Okay I'm clearing a few points, here. Some people had doubts about the situation.
Disclaimer: don't own anyone.
A WAY OUT
Its happening again-like a vicious cycle. There's no way out. Just when I think I've got out, there it is again. Like a physical pain.
It's always been there- ever since that night four years ago. No one knows. I've made sure of that. Joy unconfined; that's the me they know.
But it's too much. The guilt…it's closing in on me… suffocating me. It plays over and over. No matter what anyone says, I'm responsible. The thought is seared in my heart. Prayers wouldn't have made a difference. That's what I thought. But what if could have? Just another if.
And after 4 years, it's still a fresh realization. Something new and heart wrenching. I can't get over it. 4 years and it still takes my breath away…makes me break down and sob.
Someone once told me being alone after death is the best way to grieve. Maybe it is, maybe not. I really don't know. I think I was in shock that day. It hadn't sunk in. It did, though, later, gradually. The peeling of the bandages. To get to the final wound…
I've mourned for four years…cried to sleep almost every night. And it was diminishing. The sorrow was leaving. I thought I could make it. But suddenly it's back, in full force.
What if there is no final wound? What if it goes on and on till I can't stand it anymore? I'm fighting a losing battle.
Everything strikes when I'm at my most vulnerable. Failure, loneliness…but nothing compares to losing him.
Funny how no one realizes. I'm happy, aren't I? No one can see my demons. They see me being cheerful, laughing. When did it stop being real -become an act? My few moments of undiluted pleasure? Few and far between.
I read it somewhere - 'You've got a reason to live. There's someone out there to whom you mean the world.'
Guess I don't have a reason then. The one person who can help me through this isn't there. He's dead. And I'm responsible. Selfishness-its all me.
This is the coward's way out. I've always known that. But somehow it seems like my only escape. I've tried and I'm not going to make it. I want to be a coward. I'm tired of being brave.
I'm so sorry.
Love,
Rachel Tribbiani
Ross folded the letter. She was gone. A long time. He couldn't believe it. Life had dealt him some cruel blows. He was devastated when Rachel married Joey. And then Joey died…that was heartbreaking. But this…
He wiped the tears. She was wrong, though. She meant the world to him.
I know it's a bit depressing. But I just had to write this. Please R & R.