A/N: I'm posting the first two chapters for Killua's birthday. After these first two chapters, the goal is a new chapter hopefully once EVERY WEEK TO TWO WEEKS. (I am in the process of getting ready for college graduation, so forgive me if I'm a TAD late for an update or two).

ALSO, for those of you following Safe: I haven't forgotten about it! And I haven't abandoned it by any means. I'm just having a rough time with plot right now since I didn't outline it ahead of time and I don't want to write a mediocre update. I owe it to all of you to wrap it up nicely and to keep the plot and characters strong. I am working on the update, I PROMISE.

Shinjuu, Lover's Suicide

Chapter 1 – Zoldyck Family Confrontation

"No. No!" Killua choked, bile slowly rising up from his stomach and into his throat, blue eyes stinging with unreleased tears, "I-Illumi, why?"

Illumi's cold eyes gazed at the boy blanched by fear, before he stood up from where he knelt. His hand still wrapped around a boy's neck, clothed in green and blood. He dropped the body, limp onto the ground as he loomed over his younger brother.

"I thought I made myself perfectly clear, Killu. You are not to have any friends." He frowned almost pitifully at the whimpering boy in front of him, "He's made you weak. They all have. That's why I had to kill them- so I could protect you."

"But they didn't DO anything! They-They were my friends! I loved them!" Killua was quickly losing his sanity. Gon's body facing him on the ground, dull brown eyes staring into his, a small stream of blood leaking from his lips. A few feet away lay a man with broken glasses and a bloodstained suit- his limp arm covering the last remaining Kurta whose eyes would forever be a beautiful scarlet. The bile in Killua's throat was dangerously close to escaping and he fought the urge to vomit all over the floor. His pulse raced and his chest felt too tight to breathe and he found that he couldn't make out Gon's eyes anymore- his vision blurred with his tears. Killua started as cold hands grasped at his trembling shoulder, the flexing of the chilled fingers nowhere near comforting.

"They manipulated you. It was the right thing to do, killing them."

"Y-You're a monster!" Killua yanked his shoulder away and the pity in Illumi's eyes was replaced with that of bloodlust, his eyes scanning the room for any sign of life.

"Now, where's Alluka?" Killua's blood turned to ice in his veins, the flush of his cheeks draining at his brother's words, "Once he's disposed of, you will truly be safe."

"N-No… You won't hurt her!" But Illumi was already looking towards the door, the door that separated them from the only one left that he loved. Killua tried to block him but his feet seemed glued to the floor, fear paralyzing him. His limbs refused to follow his brain's demands. All he could do was watch in horror as his older brother stalked towards the door, needle in hand. Pale knuckles gently rapped on the door so as not to alarm the girl. Killua wanted to warn his beloved little sister, beg her to hide, but his voice caught in his throat, tongue sitting heavy in his mouth. He tried again, but the words seemed lost as the door opened.

"Big Bro-" Two sets of blue eyes widened- Alluka's in confusion and fear, Killua's in horror. Killua couldn't see when it happened, Illumi's body blocking Alluka from view. Suddenly the little girl, the girl who he loved more than anything, his baby sister, fell to the floor with a thump. As Killua stared at her lifeless body, two needles impaling her forehead, his eyes burned. He'd never felt more alone, everyone he'd ever loved now now flowed freely down his cheeks and he felt his body trembling in both sadness and fury. How could this happen? How could his own brother do this to him, to his friends? Killua wasn't sure which he wanted to do more- tear Illumi to shreds, or to just bawl his eyes out.

"Now you're safe, Killu. No one can take you from me again." Illumi's voice broke through the silence, a sickeningly sweet tone. Killua still stood, frozen in place, staring at Alluka's once bright eyes. Killua barely noticed Illumi quickly crossing the room back towards him, so absorbed in the horror that surrounded him. When he finally noticed, cold hands were already clasping onto his shoulders and, when his head snapped to look at his brother, he was helpless but to stare into those horrifying black pools. "But just to be certain, I'm afraid I must put another of my needles into your head. It's for your own good."

Killua watched out of the corner of his eye as Illumi raised a hand, a needle in his grasp. His heart pounded and his eyes widened in fear. He tried to pull away from Illumi's grasp as the fingers on his shoulder tightened. The terrified teen barely had time to react as a sharp pain shot through his forehead.

Killua screamed.

xXx

Killua sprang up quickly, skin drenched in sweat, blue eyes wide as they darted around the dark space of his and Alluka's hotel room. His breath shook and he placed a hand on his chest in an attempt to steady his racing heart. His head snapped over to the bed next to his, seeing Alluka sleeping peacefully. Relief flooded through him as he watched her sleep, feeling the familiar burning in his eyes. She's safe. She's okay. Illumi's not here. She's not in danger.

He ran trembling fingers through white tresses and silently cursed before rubbing furiously at his watery eyes. Another nightmare. These were common occurrences for the seventeen year old and had been for as long as he could remember. He'd hoped that getting Alluka and Nanika out of Kukuroo Mountain, that separating from Gon, would be the escape that he needed from the nightly horrors that he was so accustomed to. But the past three years had only served to worsen them.

Once he was sure that tears were no longer falling, he tossed his blankets aside. Killua hopped out of bed and, after watching Alluka for a moment, grabbed his old beetle phone off his desk and crept outside into the hall.

He paced back and forth, teeth chewing on his bottom lip and hand running through his hair in anxiety. After minutes of mindlessly pacing, he forced his feet to halt and dialed a number that he'd begrudgingly saved into his phone. It took a few seconds for the man to pick up, seconds that felt like hours. Killua began pacing again, sweat beginning to form on his brow. Killua knew that the call must have shocked him. He couldn't blame him- after all, Killua hadn't called him in almost three years. So, why would he call him now? Killua wished that he didn't know the reason himself.

"Killua." Not a 'hi' or 'hello'. Only stating his name. Killua expected no less after what had happened between the two.

"Hello, Father." Killua succeeded in keeping the venom from his voice, but there was no hiding the exhaustion.

"Killua? Why are you calling so late? Did something happen?" Silva's concerned reply was immediate and Killua chewed on the inside of his cheek to the point where he broke skin, he winced as rusty taste of blood overwhelmed his taste buds. You've got to be kidding me. Now the old man's worried? After everything that's gone down? After what he put Alluka and I through? Bullshit.

"I… Yeah, I'm fine." Killua sighed, rubbing his eyelids with his free hand. But he wasn't fine.

"Where are you and Alluka?"

Killua clenched his hand into a fist, tempted to either ream his father or to hang up. He didn't care about Alluka's safety. He never did. What he actually meant was 'is Alluka dead? Did she grant someone's request? What's the cost?' In fact, it's quite possible that he didn't even care about Killua. He just wanted to know whether he was coming home. Which was why Killua wanted so badly to end the call. It was also why he couldn't.

"Killua?"

"We are. We're both safe." Killua took a breath, "I- We're coming home." The former assassin took a small bit of pride in the silence that followed.

"Where are you? I'll send an airship for you in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. I just-" Killua faltered, feeling heaviness and dread setting in once again. "I can't do this anymore. I can't keep running from Illumi. I want Alluka safe- I will do anything to keep her safe and happy- but I just can't keep living like this. I never sleep because I'm worried that Illumi will take that opportunity and strike. I can't even let my guard down for one second."

"Then I think it's time that you came home, Killua. You have your health to worry about. You did what you wanted to. It's over." Silva responded after a moment to let Killua's words sink in. Once they did, he clenched his jaw, trying with everything he had to keep his cool

"No." Killua's voice took an edge to it, "No, we're coming home, but it's not for good."

"I had a feeling you'd say that. Go on." Silva maintained a cool façade, irking his son more.

"We're coming home, but only if Alluka is free. I don't want her locked up anymore. She needs to be allowed to go wherever she wants whenever she wants. And I'm only coming home if I'm allowed to leave whenever I want, too. No more assassin stuff, Dad. I'm a Hunter now." Killua heard his father take a sharp intake of breath. "No more assignments. I refuse. And Alluka's staying with me- not in that prison cell you had her in before."

"I'll meet your demands." Silva sounded hesitant, "We'll discuss this more when you get here."

"Alright." Killua was equally as cautious, but couldn't help feeling a bit of relief. "For now, call off Illumi. We're coming so you don't need him chasing us anymore."

There was another brief pause before Silva's voice came through the phone's speaker. "Alright, you have my word. Illumi won't come after you anymore. I'll make sure of it."

"Good. We'll be there in about two weeks." Killua kept his voice hardened, determined to not let his relief show through.

"Your mother will be pleased that you're coming home, Killua." Killua had to keep from snapping at him and fought to remain diplomatic.

"Yeah. Night." He muttered, the venom that he'd desperately tried to hide at first slipping from his lips as he ended the call.

It took hardly a second before he sank to the ground, the weight of dread seeming to drag his body to the ground. He felt sick- no, he felt more than sick. He felt like nothing but garbage. After everything that his friends had been through to get him out of Kukuroo Mountain five years ago, after the torture that his family had put him through and the solitary that they'd put Alluka and Nanika through- he was going back with her. Maybe being away from his friends, from Gon, for so long robbed him of his self-control. Maybe he really was an assassin. Maybe he was no better than his family. Maybe he was just weak.

But he knew that that wasn't the case. He was just… lonely. He didn't realize just how unbearably difficult if would be having a best friend, having people he truly loved- only for all of that to vanish. He was grateful for Alluka and Nanika, he loved them more than he could ever say. But at night, when all he was left with were his thoughts of paranoia, terrifying nightmares, and a broken heart, his sisters weren't always enough.

He longed for the days where he was twelve and running around having adventures with his best friend. How he missed Leorio's schemes and Kurapika's constant chase for vengeance- they were things that annoyed him at the time, but he missed them. He wished that he had known how lucky he was. He wished he'd known what was to come. He wished he'd told Gon the truth when he had the chance.

Because now it hurt him more than he would have ever thought that it would- the loneliness, the darkness, the fear. He didn't have Gon to keep him laughing or embarrass him, he didn't have Leorio or Kurapika's guidance. It was just him and his little sisters who thought the world of him. If they only knew that he'd just promised to take them home… What would they think when they realized he was willingly putting them in danger? Would they hate him? Would they try to leave? But they'd been safe there on Kukuroo Mountain. They weren't happy and they were lonely, but they were safe. So Killua wasn't doing a bad thing… right?

He dropped his face into his hands, horrified with himself. If he decided not to take her back, then at the very least, they had two weeks to get a head start and get very far from his older brother. Of course, his family would be pissed if he didn't show up. And that could be even worse for them. It was a moment of weakness. That's all it was. I'm not a bad person. I've changed.

After what seemed like hours of sitting in the empty hall outside of their hotel room, Killua got to his feet and went back to their room. He was greeted with the sun peeking through the curtains, Alluka stretching on her blue eyes met his own, Alluka's head tilting to the side.

"Brother? Where have you been?" Her voice laced with worry as she walked over to him, "Were you up all night again?" Killua grimaced and shook his head.

"Just had a phone call." He said as nonchalantly as he could. He smiled at her and ruffled her hair before exclaiming, "Happy Birthday, Alluka and Nanika!"

Worry was replaced with happiness as the fifteen-year-old grinned at him and Killua couldn't help but smile in amusement. Alluka's long hair was a mess from sleep and she had dried drool on her cheek- though none of that seemed to bother her.

"Thank you! What should we do today? I want a big cake!" Alluka squealed, oblivious to the humor in her brother's eyes.

Killua openly laughed at her, frowning as his phone began buzzing in his hand. He ignored the call and tossed it on his bed before turning back to his sister.

"Whatever you want to do, birthday girls!" He announced with a smile stretched onto his face. He listened patiently, and not without amusement, as she rambled on and on about what she wanted, relaying what Nanika wanted as well.

Killua's tossed phone flashed a notification, one missed call from Gon Freecss.