The Geralt Springer Show
The rabid crowd in the TV studio clapped and chanted rhythmically, like two hundred hearts beating together. They came from parts wide and afar, all to witness a grand spectacle, a sacred ritual enacted five days a week on television. Now they would see it in person. In exultation, they were like pilgrims completing their journey.
"GER-RY! GER-RY! GER-RY! GER-RY!"
Above the stage was a panel with blinking lights that instructed the audience to boo, cheer, laugh, or whatever else the producers could conjure. Right now, it was flashing "Ger-ry". Upon the stage were two chairs, one empty and the other occupied by a thin man in his mid 40s, wearing jeans and a plaid shirt. His hands were neatly folded in his lap. A close observer would've noted his hands were trembling.
An announcement came over the PA. "Here is your host Geralt Springer." From offstage emerged man of long ashen hair, yellow eyes and two swords strapped to his back. He strode to the front row and accepted hugs and handshakes from the lucky audience members. An stagehand arrived and handed him a microphone. The host turned towards a camera.
"Hello and welcome to the Geralt Springer show!" The gravelly voiced man paused for applause. Only a half second passed between the silence and the activation of the "applause" light. They could edit out the pause in post, or so the techies said.
"I'm Geralt of Rivia. Also known as the Butcher of Blaviken and many other names I've forgotten. Today, we're going to talking to people who discovered a secret about their spouse. Our first guest today is Jeoffrey. Jeoffrey, why don't you tell us what's going on?"
"Well, eh, thanks for having me on Gerry. You know, first-time, long-time sorta thing. Even though you're the new guy, I think you're doing good." Geralt nodded while Jeoffrey fidgeted in his seat.
"So, a few months ago, I met this girl. Name's Alysse. She's like, the girl of my dreams, my soulmate, you know?" Above the stage a sign lit up which said "Aw." And the crowed obligingly "awwwed" for him. Jeoffrey sheepishly blushed. "Everything's perfect, or so I thought. Well, it turns out, Alysse is an imp."
Joeffrey looked down and sobbed the gently. Upon prompting from the lights above him, the crown "Awwed" in concern. Jeoffrey raised hand in thanks.
"So, before we bring out Alysse, there are some imp-ortant details we need to discuss." The light above Joeffrey flashed "laugh." But no laughter came. Geralt scowled towards the audience. A few shook their heads. A few buried their head in their hands. Most stared at him with disbelief.
Geralt grumbled. With his free hand he made an Axii symbol. "You love that pun." He said to the crowd. The crowd laughed on cue, a few still had puzzled looks on their faces. He'd have to make sure they would edit that out in post.
"Tell us what happened?" Geralt said, turning towards Jeoffrey, almost sounding sincere in his concern.
"A couple of weeks ago. Woke up in the middle of the night and Alysse's gone. I get up and look around our place and she isn't there. I look out the window and a lady's walking for my front door like she knows the place. Never saw this other lady before. Then she starts, changing or morphing or whatever and turns into my Alysse. I went back to bed and she comes in like nothing happened. I barely slept since then."
"So, tell us how that makes you feel? Does it make you feel imp-otent?" A low groan went through the audience. Geralt decided to let it pass this time.
"Well, I feel hurt, Geralt." Jeoffrey's eyes watered. "I'm a pretty open guy, you know, and I wonder why she felt she couldn't tell me." Upon prompting, the crowd serenaded him with more monosyllabic expressions of sympathy.
"Well, let's find out shall out, shall we? Everyone, here is Alysse." Alysse walked awkwardly onto the stage. The crowd greeted her with neutral applause. She was a woman of average appearance wearing average clothes. Jeoffrey stood up. Alysse walked up to him and they gave another an awkward kiss. She then sat down next to him and they held hands.
"Alysse, welcome to the show." Alysse nodded. "Jeoffrey's brought you on my show because he wants to tell you something of great imp-ortance. Jeoffrey, why don't you go-ahead?"
They had to pause for another Axii symbol and for the crowd to laugh.
"Alysse, I know you're an imp." Alysse's face filled with dread and shame, she looked down at her feet.
"I love you but why couldn't you tell me? Don't you trust me?" Alysse looked at her lover.
"Wait," Geralt said. "You don't have a problem with her being an imp?"
"Absolutely not." Joeffrey said, looking at Jerry. "I love her for who she is and to be honest, I kinda dig the kinky stuff."
"I'm so sorry," Alysse apologized. She took Jeoffrey's hands, her eyes watering. "It's hard knowing who to trust-"
"-because it's such and imp-erfect world." Geralt interrupted with a satisfied grin on his face. Alysse and Jeoffrey glared at him. Geralt frowned and flashed the Axii sign. "You liked that pun." The crowd laughed less enthusiastically than before, and the two lovers acted as if they weren't revolted by that pun, or bothered by the rude interruption.
"All my life I've never know who I can trust." Alysse said.
"You can trust me." Joeffrey said.
"I know that now." Alysse said. Jeoffrey kicked the chair away and dropped to one near. The crowd gasped in anticipation. Alysse's mouth was agape.
"Alysse. Will you marry me?" A pregnant silence hung in the air. Alysse sat as if she were paralyzed.
"Jeoffrey, there's something else you need to know about me." She finally said. The crowd gasped with delight at this unforeseen twist. Geralt knew all about this but acted surprised.
"Since we're all imp-artial observers, I think we need to know, too." Geralt said. He heard a groan from the audience. He angrily made the Axii sign, muttering about ungrateful audiences under his breath.
"Jeoffrey, the reason I sneak out at night, is because I have another lover." The crowd "oooed" on demand.
Jeoffrey looked like his heart was about to break.
"Her name's Serah. And she's a succubus." Jeoffrey's heartbreak transformed into something far happier.
"Really?" He said, a hint of a grin on his face. "Like I said, I dig the kinky stuff." Alysse's smile. The crowd perked up.
"Well, it's good thing you do, because here's Serah the succubus." Geralt said. The crowd erupted in cheers. The succubus sensually sauntered on stage. Her hooves were finely toned and her furry tailed moved with erotic understatement. She wore a halter top and miniskirt at least two sizes too small. Rhythmic music started blaring in the studio. On cue, the crowd chanted "Strip! Strip! Strip!" Serah walked to the centre of the stage and gyrated her hips in time with the music. She took her top off, rolled it around her fingers and tossed it to the crowd. The audience was on their feet, cheering on her on. Joeffrey had a blissful smile on his face and was ogling Serah even as Alysse accepted his marriage proposal. Geralt sighed and rolled his eyes. Anyone who'd ever read a bestiary knew that Hybrids and Relics couldn't mix. The next commercial break couldn't come soon enough.
"Welcome back to the Geralt Springer show. Today we're having on people who've discovered a secret about their lover. Our next guest is Elsbeth. Why don't you tell us why you're here?"
Elsbeth looked to be in her late twenties with fiery red hair. As she spoke, Geralt was reminded of the natives of Skellige.
"Thank you for having me on, Geralt. It's an honour, you know, to be on a show with a man of eloquence and wit such as yourself." She said.
"Thank you." Geralt said. He adjusted his collar and looked back to the audience. Some of them were smirking but he couldn't tell why. He was used to his talents not being fully appreciated. Clearly, this audience was beneath him. He needed to get on Oprah for a more appreciative audience.
"You see Geralt, I've been with me husband Raffe for almost two years now. Everything's mostly great. We have a daughter. And like a lot of men he likes to go out drinking with his mates. That's fine, you know. I still have lady's night with me girlfriends, after all." Elsbeth said.
"I found out Raffe is a berserker. Last time out, he drank the wrong thing and turned into a giant bear. He almost killed his best mate! I'm so worried. What if he drinks when we have family over? What would happen to our baby? To me?"
Geralt nodded with fake sincerity. "I see. I'm glad you came on this show since as a Witcher I know all about the simple bear necessities." He paused for comedic effect. So many in the audience groaned that it sounded like the growling of a vicious bear. "Damn peasants." Geralt muttered and flashed the Axii sign. He was starting to get tired of using the sign. The groaning stopped but they weren't laughing, despite the flashing "laugh" sign above the stage.
"There are ways you can safely deal with someone who's a berserker. It's not easy, but it's not too un-bear-able." Geralt said, eliciting another groan from the audience. Elsbeth looked downward and shook her head. Someone threw a popcorn kernel in his direction. He stared at the audience but couldn't see the guilty party.
"Damnit," Geralt said, doing the Axii sign again. "That was funny. If you don't laugh at the next one, you're gonna taste steel." The crowd didn't start laughing but at least stopped grumbling. This crowd was getting more and more unreasonable. At least when he was clearing out ghoul nests he didn't have to worry about pleasing an audience.
"So, let's bring Raffe out." Geralt said.
Raffe was unassuming but fit-looking man roughly the same age as his wife. The crowd cheered and clapped without enthusiasm. Raffe sat down next to his wife. Elsbeth revealed that she knew about the true nature of her husband's identity. He looked sad and dejected and he had the audience's sympathy.
"The good news is this can be managed. All you have to do is avoid drinking White Gull." Raffe nodded. "This way, you can get on your life with your family, and not get too em-bear-rassed when you're out with your friends."
Geralt smiled, pleased with himself but the audience was booing loudly. The five guests were glaring at him. A bell sounded. The audience was standing and started pelting him with vegetables. He rose a Quen shield. They started towards him, eyes red with murderous intent. Raffe grabbed a chair was about to toss it at him.
"Yen!" He shouted. "I know I hate portals but get me out of here!" A portal appeared, and he stepped in, just in time to avoid the tossed chair. The audience stormed the stage and a riot seemed about to break out when a bald bouncer appeared on stage and the brewing storm fizzled out. All looked to the man with admiration.
"At last!" He said. "Now I can have my own show!"
Meanwhile, somewhere in Novigrad.
The white-haired man walked up towards the blacksmith. The smith was hammering a sword into shape on his anvil. He was a big, burly man with thick muscles and an even thicker beard.
"I'm here about the notice." The white-haired man said. The smith turned to look at him and frowned. He brought down the hammer.
"You some kind of witcher? Where's your swords?" He asked.
"I don't need two swords, all I need is this." He held up a strange contraption with both hands.
"That's foreign. Is that a weapon or a shield?" The smith asked, frowning.
"It's both." The man said. "I've seen it used as a shield. It's also a very versatile weapon, it can be either thrown or used in a melee. It can be used to bludgeon or to pierce." The smith arched an eyebrow.
"Interesting. What do you call this, eh, thing?"
"It's called a chair."
"A chair, eh? Never heard of it. What's your name?" The smith said, putting down his hammer and reaching for his tongs.
"Jerry of Cincinnati."
"Cincinnati? Never heard of it. That place far?" Springer nodded. "Nice place?" Jerry shook his head vigorously. "No, it's a shithole. I used to be the mayor, until they drove me out of town." The smith chuckled and grabbed the blade with his tongs and doused it in water. Steam erupted. He pulled the blade out and set the cooling blade on the anvil. He looked around and approached Jerry. He spoke quietly, as if he was afraid of being overheard.
"Alright, lemme tell ya about what's going on..."
Jerery Springer walked by a brothel, his chair strapped to his back. A comely, scantily clad young woman was on it's front steps, advertising. Her blue eyes met Springer's.
"Hey there, handsome." She said. "You look like you have a lot of coin on you. How would you like to spend some of it here?" She bent forward, exposing even more of her cleavage.
"Why not?" Jerry said. He'd worked hard today and deserved to reward himself. Sure, he hadn't actually banished the noonwraith. But getting it to open up about it's infidelity issues would help the spirit and the village move on. He'd also done the right thing by telling the wraith that her husband wasn't just cheating on her with the Shepard's wife, but with every woman in the village, too. Including two sisters-in-law who were secretly working at a brothel and liked to do a bit of girl-on-girl as part of their act. No doubt, this would soothe the wraith because after all, she wasn't the only woman who'd been duped by her husband.
He walked up to the strumpet, trying not to let his eyes too long on her amply exposed bosom. He pulled out his coin purse and silently cursed. He looked around, his mind searching for an idea until he found one. He looked back to the strumpet. "Would you take a cheque?"
The End