A/N: Meh, I hope you like it, it's a Mal/Inara fic. Or pre Mal/Inara.
Anyway: disclaimer: not mine, Joss is boss and we all bow down to him. R&R guys :D
Sometimes he'll start it. Other times she will.
In the end, they always get the same result; a crushed heart, broken spirit, tears that threaten to spill and one more step away from each other and closer.
They know its there, the chemistry, the spark. They play into that, amplify it even, but one slip and its gone, dissolved into dust and left to fall into the ground, get swept up by the air and blown into the distance.
The particles settle and they try again.
Another fail.
He's the Captain of the boat, supposedly against on board romance. He knows it's a rule he likes to think everyone obeys, par Wash and Zoë. But he finds himself bending that rule every bit more every time he sees her. Every chance he gets to see he that rule bends and he can feel it about the snap at any moment.
He'll make up any excuse just to see her; they're docking in an hour, the time of day, even just to ask her to stay inside whilst he makes a deal outside. He knows she knows the drills, but he likes to tell her, to talk to her.
She's the Companion who isn't supposed to be tied down to one man, or woman. But she feels herself rebelling against the Guild's wishes every time her eyes land on him. Whether it's the back of his head, the front, his shoes, or his eyes that hold hers with so many emotions flashing through them every second.
She'll talk to him, any chance she can just to hear his voice so that'll it'll stick in her mind. She remembers this one time she imagined his body next to her, his brown hair all fluffed up from their 'meeting' and his voice whispering promises into her ear.
When she left he was left heartbroken. She'd asked him for a reason she should stay. He had the perfect reason in mind, I love you, but he'd never say that. He's appear too soft, ruin his image, but he was willing to do that. He'd do it for her. "Kaylee'll miss ya', lil' River too."
She only smiles uncertainly. It's a simple fact that she can't ignore. But she wasn't waiting to hear that. I don't want to go, she says in her mind. She'll never say it. She can't. Since she was twelve she was trained to keep her emotions to herself and to not get involved with a single man, never mind a space pirate. "I know, I'm sorry. But I can't stay."
His face falls and he holds back the demand for her to stay, he doesn't want to appear weak to her. He bites his tongue and adverts his gaze to the floor. He'll never say what he has to say, it'll make it a fact that he can't erase or undo and he thinks about all of the consequences that could come out of it.
He thinks about her fancy lifestyle that she has. He's heard stories from her and knows that being a Companion has been her life. It's who she is and he feels that by telling her those three words, he'll ruin her and break her down into just a little girl again. "I know." He does.
She holds back the tears. They never taught her how to handle this kind of situation. She was sure that he would have done anything to keep her there, said anything, even if it was just for business. I know. Inside she nods and bites the inside of her cheek. She can't cry and can't say it, she's not supposed to. "Okay."
It's not okay, she knows that. She looks at him and she sees the far away gaze, the tightened jaw and the clenching fists on the rails of the catwalk. She can read people just well, she knows how to. Reading him was always a mystery to her and she had always wanted to dig deeper and finally find the perfect way to make he snap into saying it.
He was complicated though. She's argued, shouted, debated, coyed and just about done everything else she was trained to do. She was still unable to get through to him as well as she did to other people, and that only drew her in. In drew in so much that she couldn't dig herself out of it and she was stuck.
His gut wrenched as she turned away. He hated seeing her back when they had just argued. Those fine silks she wore always drove him crazy, always made him wanna reach out and run them through his fingers. Sure he'd fantasised about other things to do with her, but he wouldn't touch her unless she authorised it.
Of course she was just about wearing him down, wearing him thin.
The time she hinted at her being in need of his assistance at the training house made him jump. He pounced at he opportunity to see her again, to talk to her face to face and to get a look at her body again. That path had taken its usual root and she had shouted at him, told him off for trying to help her.
She'd kicked him down so many times that it hurt him to hell. But he was always willing to get back up and let her do it again. He couldn't help it and he couldn't help but want her near.
She tears him down he does the same.
He insults her she insults him back.
She argues with him he'll give her a piece of her mind.
He acts nice she will too.
But neither are willing to tell the other their feelings. It a long lost secret that not even many friends can understand. They had each given the other the key to their heart, but it always felt like they had lost that key, keeping the other person locked from them.
I love you. The words are like poison to their minds, but sweet bliss to their feelings. They know that when they come out it won't be right, it'll hurt, it'll ache, and it'll bite them in the ass.
He casts a quick glance to her shuttle, looks over his shoulder and storms his way into her shuttle. She's startled at the entrance and does well to cover her surprise. "Can I help you with something?"
"Don't leave."
She rolls her eyes at him and turns away, hiding the crest fallen face, "We've been over this."
He steps closer and rests a hand on her shoulder gently, "Don't go, 'least not yet."
She looks up at him and sees the begging in his eyes. She can't help but agree. "I'll need some time to think about which training house I'll be wanting to stay at. Until then, I, I guess I'll stay." The corners of her lips tug up and she sees him do the same.
Maybe, he thinks, just maybe, he'll give her a reason to stay. He figures until then, he'll keep dancing around her and playing the games that they play, it's the only chance he'll have of constructing those memories of her for when she finally does leave him.
He knows it's inevitable and holds on to those few words of hers. He smiles ever so slightly, "I'll tell Kaylee then."
Secretly, they're both smiling on the inside, a problem temporarily resolved and both still within a short distance of each other. They'll both look long and hard for those keys they were handed so that perhaps one day, they'll finally unlock who it is they've been waiting to meet.