Long Time Running

by laurieanne

Patrick and Robin deal with his HIV scare, their fears of commitment and test the boundaries of what being in love really means.

1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Hello Darkness, my old friend

He stood on the roof with his hands on his head, his eyes closed, breathing in the fresh air. His mind was awash with a million thoughts and he was unable to focus on just one. Getting through the last three days, through the last 72 hours had been an act of sheer willpower; he just kept putting one foot in front of the other and hoped he was moving forward. He had known a range of emotions in his life but fear had never been one of them - until three days ago. With equal parts bravado and skill, he had taken on an end stage AIDS patient with an intracranial bleed. It had been a fight with hospital administration to even get her in to the operating room and while no one would accuse Patrick Drake of having a well developed bedside manner, he did believe, strongly in fact, that every patient regardless of medical or financial status deserved the best care. There was no sliding scale for him - all patients were equal.

He did not know what measurement of time could be used to calculate how long it took to prick his finger - it was less than a second, maybe even less than a milisecond - whatever it was, it was long enough to potentially change his life forever. In his typical fashion, he had faltered only for a moment before pushing on. Robin had urged him to stop the procedure and wash out his hand but he carried on, ignoring her pleas; any stoppage in the procedure would guarantee certain death for the patient. It was only after he had closed that he walked to the sink and peeled off his bloody gloves. As his fingers were unveiled he secretly hoped that there would be no blood on the inside but he could already feel the cut to his finger and knew. Fumbling with the scrub sponge as a chill seized his body he suddenly realized how cold the operating room was. Robin was by his side, taking over, washing his hand and providing words of encouragement. He heard some of them, not all; he was too busy being angry. Angry that he may have been too hasty, too bold, that if he had slowed down just a little bit he might not have cut himself and all this would be unnecessary. Robin continued to reassure him and even when he snapped at her, she didn't flinch.

Robin.

In those rare moments when he was able to think of just one thing, he inevitably thought of her. She had been his lover on and off for almost four months, she had been his friend for nearly six and she had been HIV positive for more than a decade. Shame crept into his mind as he thought of how cavalier he had been about her HIV. He had pushed and cajoled, teased and lectured her on being closed off, on being unwilling to take a risk and now he understood in a way he had never understood before how enormously unfair he had been to her. He had always thought her strong and when he first discovered her fiery spirit he had been hugely attracted to her but now he knew, truly knew, the courage with which she lived her life on a daily basis.

He didn't feel courageous. He felt afraid.

The anti-retroviral medication made him feel weak; he was nauseous most of the time and when he wasn't nauseous he was exhausted. This was no way to live. Alan Quartermaine had told him that by going on the Post-Exposure Protocol right away, he could limit his chances of testing positive. However ill he was feeling, he couldn't complain - he had a fighting chance.

I wish there had been an option for you.

Through the numbness and fog of those first few hours he thought of Robin. He thought of a young 17 year old girl, in the process of losing her first love to AIDS and not only being told that she too had tested positive for the virus but that, a decade ago, there was very little that could be done for her. She was so far past the post-exposure period that her only option was to accept the diagnosis and move forward. He wished there was a way to go back in time and offer that brave, strong teenager the same hope being offered to him.

There was only one other thought working its way past the incessant noise in his head. He wanted his mom. He may be a succesful and respected neurosurgeon, he certainly never lacked for friends or companionship but all that was of cold consolation in the wake of his exposure. He wanted his mom. He wanted her to wrap her arms around him, kiss his forehead and remind him that everything would be alright, because she said so. But having his mom make him feel better was no more a possibility than changing the results for a 17-year old Robin. His mother was dead, had been for years and he remained alone. He had spent so many years steeling himself for the inevitable disappointment that people in his life provided that he kept everyone at arm's length - everyone but Robin. Leaning on other people, trusting they would support him when he needed it was not his strong suit. In fact for someone who failed at so little in life, he failed spectacularly when it came to trusting others.

HIV. Three little letters carrying so much power.

It had been 25 years since the first case was diagnosed in North America and so many things had changed in that time. There had been courses on it at medical school, outlining the advances that had taken the disease from certain, quick death to managable chronic illness but some things had not changed. The prejudice around the disease was still so strong, the misinformation still so prevelant, that he knew if he tested positive his life would change profoundly and not just because of how his immune system would be compromised. All he had ever wanted was to be a surgeon - be a surgeon like his father - and if he tested positive there would likely be more people who would refuse him as a surgeon than accept him and then where would that leave him? He defined himself by his surgical success and if he didn't have that, if he couldn't be a surgeon, then who was he?

The breeze whipped up and cooled his face. Sighing deeply, he wiped the nearly ever present tears from his eyes. Fear was beginning to consume him and he didn't know how to beat it back. He tried to ignore it but it refused to be dismissed. Mortality, his mortality, once arrogantly dismissed as something other people worried about dangled in front of him, cruely reminding him of all he had not done, all he had yet to experience. Bending down he picked up a gravel stone and hurled it, as hard as he could, from the roof.

"Dammit!" he yelled.

"Hey." The soft voice pulled him from his self indulgence. Turning, he saw Robin walking towards him and he smiled, shyly. "Can I help?" she asked cautiously.

Reaching for her hand, he pulled her tiny frame tightly against his body, wrapping his arms around her and resting his chin on the top of her head. She held on to him. He didn't believe there was much that could help him but having her in his arms went a long way.

Chapter 2

In restless dreams I walked alone

Ever since his exposure time seemed to do one of two things - speed up or stand still. He wasn't sure if they had stood on the roof for hours or minutes but when he finally let go of her, he felt like he could go back inside and face his colleagues. The interesting thing he discovered about being HIV+ or potentially HIV+ is that there were a finite number of reactions - people were either supportive, almost suffocatingly so - or they looked at him pityingly as they ran in other direction. And these were the medical professionals, he had no idea what would await him when the supposedly average person would find out.

As they walked down the stairs back to the surgical floor, Robin reached for his hand but he kept it just out of reach. He was all over the map with his feelings - one minute he wanted to hold her tightly and draw on her strength and the next he was resentful that he needed her.

"Do you want to come over?" she asked tentatively as they entered the locker room, aware that anything could set him off.

Patrick swung open his locker door and pulled his scrub top from his body, tossing it in the hamper. "No...thanks."

Standing in front of the other bank of lockers, Robin stifled a sigh. It was a delicate balancing act trying to figure out how much comfort to offer without smothering him. While she knew that each person's experience was unique, she had a special perspective she could bring to the situation. There had been such a ground swell of support when she was diagnosed - from Alan to Mac to Sonny to Brenda to Luke to everyone who mattered in her life, they all came together to support her and she desperately wanted to provide the same thing to him. "I could make you dinner - something easy to eat."

Patrick clenched his eyes and leaned his head against his locker. "I'm not...it's too much right now."

"You need to eat Patrick - good nutrition is as important as taking your ARVs."

"I know" he replied carefully, gritting his teeth. He was just so angry, wanting to lash out and Robin was an easy target; it was taking every ounce of self-control to hold back. He wasn't angry with her - god - he didn't have the words to express what she had done for him in the last three days but there were so many feelings boiling up inside of him and he had not a clue how to reign them in.

Coming around to his side of the lockers, she sank down onto the bench. "Patrick..."

"I don't need to be mothered" he snapped, instantly regretting it. Dragging his hand through his hair, he chewed on his bottom lip. "I'm sorry" he apologized sheepishly.

She held up her hands. "It's okay. Have you..." she knew she was on dangerous ground but while she was willing to cut him a lot of slack, she wasn't willing to let him stick his head in the sand. "Have you told Noah yet?"

"Don't push me" he pleaded quietly. "I have to...I need to do this my way."

"You may feel better if he knows" she suggested.

Closing his locker door, he turned and stared at her, his hands slung low on his hips. "Maybe but right now I'm not sure who I want to know or what I want them to know. And Robin...I know you want to help me but please, please don't tell my father because you think it will help."

Curling her knees into her chest, she nodded before resting her chin on her knees. "I promise Noah won't hear it from me."

"Thanks."

"Can I do anything to help?" she asked hopefully, her brown eyes searching his face.

"You've done it" he replied, giving her a small smile. Leaning in, he dropped a kiss on the top of her head and lingered for just a moment. "I'll...I'll see you tomorrow." Turning on his heel, he slipped quickly from the locker room.

Robin stared at the door for several minutes, dumbfounded. Her heart was pounding and her palms were sweaty, it had suddenly dawned on her that she was in love with Patrick. Totally, completely, achingly in love with him. Unsure of when exactly it happened, she realized when all she wanted to do was take this burden from him that she could deny it no longer. She had spent the better part of a decade sheilding her heart and despite her best efforts someone had broken through the layers and the walls and claimed it. Shaking her head, she rubbed her hands over her face.

Looks like you got your committed relationship by default, Dr. Scorpio.

There could not be a worse time for her to admit the truth to herself or to him.

Pushing open the hotel room door, he absently tossed his room key on the side table and dropped his bag before flopping onto the couch. Looking around the elegantly furnished room, he realized it was devoid of any personal touch. In the seven months since he had arrived in Port Charles he had managed to only unpack his clothes - there were no photos, no momentos, not a single clue that anyone other than some random guest lived there. Smirking, he realized it was not that different from his old apartment in Manhattan. After his mother died and he left for university he became an expert at travelling light - no extras, no trunkloads of memories to weigh him down - ready to run at a moment's notice. But now, alone in his room, he was struck by how small his life seemed.

Hoping to catch the late baseball game, he had just reached for the remote when a wave of nausea crashed over him; covering his mouth he sprinted to the bathroom. Falling to his knees, he gripped the toilet bowl and emptied his stomach of the little lunch he had managed to tolerate. He pulled himself to his shaky feet, exhausted from the wretching and splashed cold water on his face. That afternoon on the docks, just after he had cut himself, Robin had promised him that no matter what he was not alone. He wanted to believe her but yet he was unable to shake the feeling that he really was all on his own.

Trudging back to the sitting room, he phoned room service and ordered a pot of mint tea, several pieces of dry toast and yogurt; it had been the same dinner for the last two nights and if the nausea didn't pass soon he was convinced it would be all he ever ate. Feeling sorry for himself had never really been a part of his make up but it was fast approaching his default position. Leaning forward, he cradled his head in his hands. "Come on Drake, get a fucking grip, would you?" he said out loud to himself.

Jumping at the knock at his door, he was grateful for the interruption. Signing for his dinner, he carried a steaming cup of tea and piece of toast back to the couch and turned on the baseball game. It provided a minimal distraction as he sipped the tea, hoping it would soothe his stomach before his next round of medication. Yet again, he thought of Robin. Searching his memory he realized he hadn't often seen her take her protocol, even on the nights she would sleep over; she would often grab a bottle of water from the mini-bar and slip to the bathroom. He had never spent much time thinking about it before this; as far as he was concerned, her HIV was such a small part of who she was. But now he had a clarity about Robin that had been out of reach for so long - HIV was indeed a manageable disease but someone had to manage it - taking meds on time, monitoring health, taking extra precautions to protect yourself and others. It was little wonder she controlled her life so carefully, it was the only way she could cope.

He was haunted by a look in her eyes. He had first noticed it when Alan was explaining the PEP protocol to him and every once in a while he would catch her looking at him and it would be there again. Despite the brave, supportive front she was putting on for him, she was definitely struggling. He could only imagine the nightmare this brought to mind for her and he wanted to help but he didn't know how to do that when he was barely keeping it together himself. He made a promise to himself that he would keep an eye on her and make sure that her taking care of him didn't come at a cost - his feelings for Robin were a jumbled, tangled mess but he was very sure that he didn't want anything to happen to her.

The alarm on his watch began to bleat, reminding him it was time for his next dose. "Right on time" he thought "I was just starting to feel good." Reaching for the pills, he pried open the top and counted out his meds. The cycle began again.

Chapter 3

It's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word. We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard.

As he walked down the hallway, Patrick looked at his watch and his lips twitched upwards in a small smile. It had been three hours and twenty minutes since his last dose of medication and he only felt marginally weak. That was progress. Turning the corner, he heard Robin's voice carrying across the lobby and he came to a complete stop, ducking behind a plant.

"I'm handling it" she said sharply, looking up at Alan.

"Robin -listen. You're a wonderful doctor. I have seen you grow up and I'm very proud of you. You show extraordinary strength and determination." Patrick was unable to keep the smile from his face as he agreed with Alan's description of her. "But that being said, I want you to promise me something."

"Sure."

"This Gilbert case would rattle the nerves of any attending physician, let alone someone with your background."

"Well, she needs someone with my background" Robin insisted, pulling the chart against her chest. Her chin was set in determination, daring Alan to tell her otherwise.

"I'm worried about your needs. You're already worried about Patrick and his exposure to AIDS. It's an awful lot on your plate. So just promise me that if you become overwhelmed, you'll come and tell me." He smiled kindly at her, their bond strengthened by the years passed since she was first diagnosed.

"Alan" she sighed quietly, "I'm okay. Honestly this is my job and I intend to follow through."

Grimacing slightly, he looked intently at her. "There is no shame in wanting to transfer this case to - "

"No. That won't be necessary" she replied hastily. There was simply no way this case would be anyone's but hers. Hers and Patrick's. "I want to be the one to take care of her, for her and myself. And I want Patrick to see me do it. I want him to know that living with HIV doesn't make you less than who you were..."

Patrick's stomach dropped as he listened to her. He had suspected for several days that she was putting on a front for him but until now was truly not aware of how deep that front was. How could she think for a moment that he thought living with HIV made someone less than who they were? Did she not know how much he respected her? Not only for the doctor she was but for the person she was. Didn't she know that if he still believed in having heroes, she would be one of his? Not because she had HIV - having a disease doesn't make you brave but refusing to back down from it does. He shook his head - one day and soon, he would need to tell her what she meant to him - as soon as he could figure out how to do it.

"Hiding from someone?"

Patrick jumped at the sound of his father's voice. He was equally comforted and nervous as the rich baritone echoed in his ears. "Hey - Dad" he said, turning slowly. "How was Arizona?"

"Good" Noah smiled. "Golfing was fantastic. What's been going on here?" he asked, following Patrick's gaze to Robin talking to Alan. "Oh god - don't tell me - you two broke up again? Do I need to arrange another lunch?"

Smirking, Patrick rolled his eyes. "No thanks - Robin and I are fine." Looking at his father he toyed briefly with the idea of not telling him, of keeping it all to himself. But looking into his father's earnest, hazel eyes he imagined the disappointment if he heard it from someone else and decided to bite the bullet. "Listen, Dad - can I buy you a coffee? There's something I want to run by you."

Noah looked at his watch. "Do you want to meet for lunch?"

The thought of trying manoever his way through the offensive smells in the cafeteria or Kelly's sent his stomach reeling. "Er, lunch isn't good for me - coffee - around 3?"

Noah gave him a strange look but shrugged his shoulders. "Sure -do you want to meet..."

"How about I swing by your office?" he suggested quickly, noticing Robin walking in the other direction.

"Okay" he agreed. "See you then."

Robin stormed through the front doors of the hospital and stomped across to the park, kicking the first bench she saw. "Fuck!" she yelled as her foot began to throb slightly.

"Tsk! Tsk! Language Dr. Scorpio."

Turning around, Robin's cheeks flushed in small embarassment. "Sonny" she smiled.

"Hi sweetheart" he said, kissing her lightly on her cheek. "I'd ask how you are but I'm a little concerned about the bench - what did it ever do to you?"

Smiling sheepishly, she jammed her hands into her pockets. "Nothing - I just...I'm just a little frustrated."

Walking to the other side of her, he sat down on the bench and looked up at her expectantly. "Why don't you tell me about it?"

"Oh - I...I don't know - it's just..."

Sonny pursed his lips together. "I know that you and I aren't as close as we once were and that's my fault but I still consider you a friend and I'm a pretty good listener," he offered.

Her face softening, Robin sat down beside him, pulling her knees up to her chest. "Can I ask you something?" she queried, playing with the buckle on her sandal.

"You can ask me anything" he reassured her, turning to face her.

"When you see me...when you look at me - is HIV the first thing you think of?"

Sonny's eyes widened in surprise at her question. "Why-why would you think that?"

"Do you?" she pressed.

Slowly shaking his head, he looked at her intently. "Robin - I see so many things when I look at you but I don't think of HIV. It doesn't mean I forget that you have - that you're positive - but it's such a small part of who you are. You know, when I saw you in the tunnel, after the train derailment, all I could think of was how much I missed you - seeing you standing in front of me even in the middle of that chaos - I missed you." Robin smiled at her old friend. "But tell me sweetheart, is someone giving you a hard time about being HIV? Do I need to set someone straight?"

Robin exhaled quietly. As strange as it was, even after all these years and all the hurt between them, there was something enormously comforting about having someone willing to ride to your rescue when you needed it. Sonny was a person of absolutes, he was either on your side or he wasn't, there was no in between. She had always known that she could call on him if she needed him but she had never done it because her pride would simply not let her. But here on the bench there was an ease to being with Sonny and a million memories of double dates, daring outings and death all came flooding back.

"No Sonny - it's not that."

"Then what?" he asked, softly.

"I'm treating an end-stage AIDS patient and people seem to think I shouldn't, that it would be too difficult for me."

"Is it?" As always, Sonny could be counted on to be blunt.

Tilting her head to the side, she chewed on her bottom lip. "No. She's not the first AIDS patient that I've treated in my career - it's just...it's complicated." Sonny said nothing and simply waited. He knew her well enough to know that if given enough time she would open up. And she did. The words tumbled out as she told him about Patrick's fight with administration to treat April Gilbert, cutting himself in the OR, refusing to stop the procedure to clean up and therefore further increasing his risk and going on the protocol.

"Sounds like Dr. Drake is a pretty brave guy" he surmised.

"He's amazing" she said quietly. "It took such courage to do what he did and now I want to honour his courage by showing him that if the worst happens, if he tests positive, he will be okay. That you can live a rich and full life with HIV."

Sonny was silent for a moment as he studied her face. "Don't you think he already knows that?"

"What?"

"Robin - he's your boyfriend, right?"

"Well - we...I...we're not good with definitions" she stammered.

He waved his hand. "Fine. You guys care for each other - and so he must already know, by watching you, the HIV is not the end - it's just a new beginning. That being said, this has to be affecting you."

Scrunching up her face, she shook her head. "No -Sonny I'm a doctor. I'm used to..."

"Robin" he closed his hand over hers. "This isn't about being a doctor - this is about a person you care for being exposed to a disease that already took someone you - we - loved. All the doctor training in the world can't help you through that."

Her eyes pricked with tears and Robin blinked them away. "I know" she replied quickly, "but I can help him through this - I can show him the way - answer his questions about HIV, about his meds. Every time I think we're making some headway on this, he pushes me away. I can do this for him..."

"Sweetheart, is it possible you're doing to him what you just asked me?" Seeing the quizzical look on her face, he carried on. "Is it possible he thinks you only see HIV when you see him?" Robin's mouth dropped open slightly. "Robin, I'm sure he's got Alan or someone taking care of his medication and doing his testing and knowing the hospital, it's probably the number one topic of gossip. Maybe what he needs most from you is to be treated like he was before he was exposed, to be reminded that he is more than just potentially being HIV positive."

Realization dawned on Robin and her cheeks turned crimson as she buried her face in her hands. "Oh god!" she exclaimed. "I am doing that, aren't I?" Breathing in sharply she thought of the ways she had tried to push him to talk about the exposure and what it meant. In fact, it had been the only topic of conversation she had pursued since that afternoon in the OR.

Lifting her head, she looked into Sonny's familiar, kind eyes. "You know, I just...I was so lucky after I tested positive. I had you, Mac, Brenda - I had so many people to help me Sonny and I never for a minute felt like I was alone. Even when Stone died, I never, ever felt alone - that part came so much later. I just want to give that to Patrick, to let him know that he doesn't have to go through this on his own."

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, he smiled lovingly at her. "Robin, you do that just by being who you are. I bet if you don't push him, if instead you treat him like your boyfriend..."

"We're not -" she protested.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. If you treat him like your - like someone who matters to you, he will open up to you. Be his safe place Robin."

Throwing her arms around him, she hugged him tightly. "Thank you" she whispered into his shoulder.

Sonny closed his eyes and reveled momentarily at the familiar feel of his friend in his arms. "Anytime. I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend" he said quietly.

Nervously pacing in front of Noah's office door, Patrick felt his chest tighten and his breath shorten. It was the right thing to do - telling his father - but it was by no means an easy thing to do. After years of acrimony and anger, there was finally detente between them. Patrick donating part of his liver to save Noah's life was a turning point in their fractured relationship but the road will still bumpy and fraught with pot holes. Inhaling deeply he balanced one coffee cup on top of the other and knocked on the door before pushing it open.

"Hey, Dad." He hoped the anxiety coursing through him wasn't seeping out in his voice.

Looking up from his paperwork, Noah pulled his glasses from his face and leaned back in his chair. "Hey sport."

Patrick sat down across from him and passed him a coffee. Picking it up, Noah examined the logo imprinted on the side. "Coffee from Kelly's? You're either in trouble or you want something..." he teased, smiling. Seeing his son's weak smile in response, he furrowed his brow. "Patrick? Wha'ts wrong?" He swallowed thickly, trying to push down the lump rising in his throat.

"I operated on an AIDS patient the other day and during the course of the surgery, I cut my finger," he said quickly, as though ripping off the band aid. "I'm on the PEP protocol and my first test was negative - it's very likely I will also be negative at six months. I just...I thought...I just wanted you to know." His heart beat wildly against his ribs. Saying it out loud - to his father, no less - made it real in a way that he had yet to experience.

Exhaling quietly, Noah clasped his hands behind his head. "Wow." Silence hung in the room, growing thicker with each passing moment. "How is the patient?" Noah was trying to stall while he formulated his thoughts. He felt a familiar fear grip him, the same one when his wife was first diagnosed with her tumor and while he knew it was irrational to think his son was going to die he could not quite push the thought from his mind.

"She's okay," he said quietly. "She's recovering nicely and Alan has her on a strong dose of ARVs but she went so long without proper medical care, without access to meds or good nutrition that she is in end stage."

"Damn" Noah said under his breath. "And you? How are you coping with all this?"

He shrugged non-chalantly. "I'm okay...I guess. I'm nauseous most of the time but I seem to be going longer between doses without tossing my cookies."

Noah played absently with the lid on the coffee cup before looking his son in the eye. "Patrick, I am so sorry. I am so sorry this happened to you."

"It's no big deal" he replied unconvincingly. Patrick was uncomfortable with his father's sympathy but there was a part of him that wanted to throw himself into his arms and hide there until it was all over.

"Patrick," Noah admonished gently. "It's a huge deal. Can I help?"

"Can you make me stop wanting to hurl?" he joked, his head in his hands.

"Actually," Noah said, tapping his chin. "I have a great recipe I used to use for hangovers. It's awful but it works."

"I'll take anything at this point. God, I don't know how she does it" he said more to himself than to his father.

"Robin?" he probed carefully. Noah wanted to be supportive to his son, to be the father he had not been for more than a decade but he knew he had to tread carefully. One wrong step and his son could exclude him for good.

Patrick nodded, dragging his hand through his hair. "She...she was with me...when it happened. She's been so good Dad - talking me through the blood tests, through the meds..." his voice trailed off and he looked wistfully out the window.

"I sense a but?"

"But. This can't be easy for her. This has to, on some level, remind her of Stone and I don't...I don't want her being brave for me - I don't want her putting me ahead of her feelings."

"Do you think she's doing that?" he questioned.

"I don't know," he said, rubbing his hands together. "I...I'm just worried about the toll this is going to take on her and I don't know how to make it better."

"Sometimes there is no making it better son. Sometimes it just is what it is," he said knowingly. Leaning his elbows on his desk, he inhaled quietly and smiled shyly. "Let me ask you something without you storming out or yelling at me." Patrick quirked his eyebrows up in curiousity. "Are you in love with her?"

Letting out a small whoosh of breath, he shook his head. "I don't know," he admitted. And it was the truth; he had no idea if he was in love with Robin because he wasn't sure what it was supposed to feel like, what it meant to be in love. "You know, I've never wanted to take care of someone else before. I was always moving from one girl to the next, one conquest to the next but what I've learned in the last four days, since this happened, is that I want to take care of her. I want to be the one to make it okay for her. Dad," he sighed heavily "I want to protect her from this."

Noah's own heart, which had been feeling rather bruised after his son's admission of being exposed to HIV, sprang to life. Though he had long suspected his son was falling for the ravenhaired beauty, this was as close to a real admission of love he had ever made. He was always searching for reasons and explanations as to why things happened - it had been his undoing with his wife's death, he had been unable to find any reasonable explanation for it or any lesson to be learned - but perhaps amidst this particular madness, his son would finally let down some of the walls he had been so carefully constructing for years.

"Have you told her this?" Patrick shook his head. "Do you think you might?" he prodded.

"I just...I don't want to hurt her Dad."

"You can't hurt her by being honest," he replied softly. "She's scared for you, you're scared for her - let her in Patrick," he encouraged. "You may be surprised at what that does for both of you."

Chewing on his bottom lip, Patrick was surprised at how soothing he found his father's words to be and he was reminded at how often he could have used them in the past, when he was struggling with choices about schools and residencies. He wanted to tell him that he needed him as much as he needed Robin if he was going to come through this but the words remained stuck in his throat.

"Thanks for the talk" he said gruffly, standing up.

Noah nodded and watched as he walked towards the door. "Patty?" he called to him.

Patrick's hand gripped the door knob. "Yeah?" he slowly turned around.

"Thank...thank you for telling me. I'm here if you need me."

Nodding, Patrick swallowed down the feelings welling up inside him before quickly exiting the office. Sprinting for the stairwell, he climbed them two at a time until he reached the door for the roof and kicked it open. He ran to the edge and rubbed his hands over his face, feeling the cool air invade his lungs. The look in Robin's eyes, the one she had when she didn't think he was looking, continued to haunt him. He wasn't sure what love was but it was entirely possible that this could be the beginning of it. But could he really go there with this hanging over him? Knowing that him being HIV positive would put her at risk both medically and emotionally.

"How do I do this?" he asked out loud. "How do I do any of this?"

Chapter 4

This thing beneath my ribs will beat me to the ground

He hadn't realized how far he had run until he had reached the stairs of the Elm Street pier. Bent over at the waist and gasping for air, he sank on to the steps and placed his head in his hands. What had he just done? Embarrassed, humiliated, mortified, he had succeeded in doing the one thing he had sworn he wouldn't do - he had hurt Robin. The look on her face as he rejected her and ran from her apartment was almost more than he could bear.

She had hung around the locker room, waiting for him and much to his surprise she had asked nothing about how he was feeling; instead she asked him for dinner. She was flirty and bright and sexy - damn sexy; and just for a minute he felt like everything was normal again. Her apartment was comforting and enticing - she had certainly gone all out with flowers and candles. The smells wafting from her kitchen were enough to stimulate even his wobbly appetite. Her skin was golden brown and there was a glow to her that he found irresistible but in a most ironic turn of events, he would have to resist her. Her skin smelled of vanilla and ginger, a sweet heat emanated from her and her hair tickled his hand as they sat on the couch. Uncomfortable as his body reacted to her nearness, he shifted several times. She leaned in, stroking his arm, touching his chest and yet he rebuffed her. It took everything in him to keep her at arm's length, to not pull her underneath him and devour her with the passion she stirred in him. But the risk was too great - for the first time in his life he was truly frightened to have sex. And then he did the most cowardly of things - he ran. Out the door, down the stairs, through the door of her building - he ran. He kept running until he could simply run no longer.

The early August air was stuffy, hanging heavily; lights flickered on and off as demands on the power supply ramped up. Breathing in deeply, he looked out over the water smirking to himself as he had unknowingly returned to the place she had taken him to help him find some perspective. He wanted to be with her so badly, to wrap his body around hers and feel energy coursing through him as they worked each other from one glorious climax to the next - that would provide all the perspective he truly needed. But every time he thought of her lithe body or the taste of her lips Alan's words echoed in his ears.

"You have tested negative so far but you're not in the clear - there is still a possibility that you could be positive within the next six months. You should know that there is a risk of cross-contamination if two people who are HIV positive engage in intercourse. There are multiple strains of the virus and should an HIV positive person be infected with a strain that is not the same it could severly impact how their protocol works or if it works at all."

"Are you saying I should refrain from sex for the next six months?" he asked as visions of Robin played in his mind.

Alan shook his head. "I'm not saying that. What I am saying is that you and...any partner you have need to be fully informed of the risks and make your decisions from there. There is no right answer here Patrick - it's what you and Ro- your partner are comfortable with."

There were many things he could accept but risking Robin's life was not one of them. Clinically he understood the changes to his life - the medication, the side effects - it all made sense; emotionally he was a mess. Sitting on the hard steps he thought back to how he had handled feelings like this in the past and it had usually invovled heading to a hot bar, finding a hot and willing woman and losing himself in the anonymity of it all. It wasn't an option for him this time but what surprised him the most was that wasn't what he wanted anyways even if it were an option. He didn't want nameless, meaningless sex - he wanted to be with someone who knew him, be with someone that he mattered to and that mattered to him. It was a pretty small list to choose from, so why was he sitting alone on a pier?

Robin challenged him to be honest with her and with himself. There hadn't been anyone in his life who pushed him that in a very long time and it scared him. There was no half-way with her, no passengers in her life - you were either in it or not. He had come to a crossroads. He could let her help him through this, depend on her to support him in moments of weakness - something that was counterintuitive for him or he could end things now, before they got too deep. He was used to being on his own, relying on himself to get by - there was no reason to think that he couldn't do so again.

Except he didn't want to be on his own. Not anymore.

Wiping away the remnants of tears that had streaked down his face, he stood up and brushed down his pants, tucked in his shirt and left the pier.

Robin looked at her watch as she heard the knock at the door. It could only be one person and while he had been gone longer than she thought he would be, she had been sure all along that he would return. She wanted to tell him that she recognized the fear in his eyes, the lack of confidence in his step and that it was all completely normal. There was no way to be exposed to HIV and all that it represents both socially and medically and not be shaken to your core. She was desperate to tell him that he could lean on her, depend her trust her but she knew him. Part of what made Patrick a brilliant doctor almost made him difficult to get close to as a person - in the OR he never trusted what he was told for that was only part of the picture - he trusted what he saw, whether it was symptoms or the lackthereof. There was just no telling Patrick how something was or should be, you had to let him see it for himself.

"Hello?" she smiled knowingly as she opened the door.

"Am I..." he panted. The heat was oppressive. "Am I too late for dinner?"

Robin took his hand and gently pulled him inside. "Come in."

There had been a thousand apologies swirling in his mind but one look at her, her easy acceptance of who he was and he was momentarily speechless. He looked over at the table and saw that it was still set for them and a small smile formed at the corner of his mouth. She had been confident he would be back - almost like she knew him better than he knew himself. He stumbled over his apology and she tried time and again to let him off the hook until he finally got to the root of his worry.

"About not wanting to be with you. It isn't because I'm not attracted to you - it's just the opposite. I want to protect you."

Giving him a quizzical look, Robin smiled. "You already do - we are always careful."

She was so trusting of him and it made his knees weak; he knew with someone who believed that much in him he had even more of a responsibility to keep her safe. He urgently cupped her cheek, his eyes locked on hers. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I got you sick." She looked at him with such infinite understanding that he pulled her against his chest and kissed her forehead.

Robin poured them each a glass of wine and led him to the couch. And then she did something that took Patrick's breath away - she told him about her early days after her diagnosis. It struck him as almost amazing that they had been in each other's lives for so long and this was the first real conversation they had about her HIV. They had talked around it - he had seen her meds - they had discussed transmission risk before having sex but they had never talked about what it was like for her to live with it, to have been diagnosed.

"I never would have thought I would live this long" she said, "or have a career as a doctor. Not to mention the sex life" she said teasingly, catching his eye. He gave her a wry grin in response. She told him about the effectivness of the drug protocols and early detection and how she was, in so many ways, a positive poster child for being positive. And then she went straight to the heart of the matter. "But some things haven't changed. There's still no cure. And there still is fear. Fear of catching it by casual contact or fear of passing it to someone you care about by being intimate."

"Yeah" he agreed tightly.

"I was lucky" she pressed on, hoping he could see the evidence of what she was telling him. "I got over that because I was with someone who was incredibly brave and so patient with me and kind and he helped me believe I could be loved again and that I could love again."

"Jason" he thought to himself. He had been completely confused by her relationship with Jason; they seemed to polar opposites and yet from the little he did know they still had a deep bond. He had never understood it until now. He was uncomfortable with the sudden gratitude he was feeling for the mobster. Whatever else he had done, he had made it possible for someone like Robin to be around and open for someone like him.

"And that's what I want to do for you" she admitted. There was no point in dressing it up as something other than it was. She wanted to - needed to - show him that potentially being HIV positive was no obstacle to being intimate. "I know that you won't hurt me" she assured him. "But until you know that, until you're sure of that...I can wait."

"You're amazing" he said hoarsely, his voice thick with a myriad of feelings.

"It's about time you figured that out" she teased.

Patrick felt the tension begin to leave his body. What was it about this tiny woman with the feriocious spirit that made him feel so alive? Leaning in, he cradled the back of her head and gently closed his mouth over hers. There was a sweetness to her lips as he pulled on them and a feeling of familiarity he couldn't quite place. Dinner was all but forgotten as he lightly pushed her back against the couch and laid on top of her continuing to taste her. Their tongues tangled softly, exploring their limits. She ran her hands over his strong shoulders, relieved that he gave into what he was feeling. She had been trying to convince herself that she really wasn't falling in love with him but she was failing miserably.

Feeling his stomach pitch and roll, he pulled back suddenly as all the colour drained from his face.

Robin's lips were swollen and her eyes hazy with desire but she sat up immediately. "Nausea?"

He nodded. "I should go...again" he offered sheepishly.

Shaking her head she said, "No. Stay here - let me take care of you."

His eyes dropped to his hands. "I don't...I don't want you to see me sick" he whispered.

"Oh please" she dismissed good naturedly. "I'm an actual doctor - sick people is what I do."

He covered his mouth as another wave of nausea washed over him. "Yeah but I'm not your patient, I'm your...well we're..." he stammered, confused as to how to refer to their relationship - he had never needed a definition before.

"You are someone who matters to me very much" she said quietly, looking into his eyes. "And you're going to stay here and let me take care of you."

"Robin..." he protested.

"You don't have to be alone anymore Patrick - you have me. Okay?"

She could have no clue what those words meant to him. His jaw dropped slightly as he tried to swallow down the sudden surge of feelings she had stirred up. "Okay."

Chapter 5

Then you smile at me and watch me lose control.

Waking in the middle of the night, Patrick momentarily forgot where he was until his eyes settled on Robin's lithe body, bathed in moonlight. Her chestnut brown hair was splayed about the pillow and her lips rippled as she breathed, content in a deep sleep. She had insisted he get into bed and once settled brought him a cup of mint tea that went a long way to settle his stomach. She rubbed his shoulders and stroked his hair and though he tried to maintain that he wasn't sleepy, he gave into slumber minutes later. It was the most relaxed he had been in more than a week. He had no idea when Robin had crawled in to bed with him but there was something about sharing a bed with her that felt incredibly right. Reaching out he traced the thin line of her tank top delighting in the softness of her skin. Rolling on to his side, he dropped a kiss on her bare shoulder. Dipping his hand below the blanket, he dragged his fingers over her lace boy shorts and curled it under her shirt, stroking her taut abdomen.

"Mmmm" she moaned quietly, her eyes fluttering.

"Shhh" he replied, "go back to sleep."

Prying her eyes open, she greeted him with the sultriest of smiles. "Like I can sleep if you're touching me."

"I didn't mean to wake you" he apologized.

Robin closed her hand over his and brought up further, cupping her breast. "I'm glad you did" she said huskily, her eyes locked on his. "I like it when you touch me."

Closing his eyes he let out a small sigh at the feel of her warm body beneath his hand. The smallest of touches from her awakened his body in a way that had never happened before. Pinching her nipple, he rolled it between his thumb and forefinger, smiling as he felt her arch in to his touch. Dropping his head, he nuzzled her neck, breathing in her intoxicating scent. His lips brushed her neck, her ear and then her jaw before finally making contact with her lips. Their mouths fused together in a soft, languid, needful kiss; Robin's tongue darted from her mouth to meet his, tangling and tasting.

Breathlessly pulling back, Patrick traced the outline of her swollen lips with his thumb. "You are so beautiful" he said huskily.

Her eyes were dark pools of lust as she placed her hand on his chest, stroking her fingers through the dusting of chest hair. "This is how you make me feel," she replied. As he lowered his head to taste her again, she cupped his cheek and smiled lovingly at him. "Patrick - we don't have to do anything that you are not comfortable with."

Laughing lightly he brushed his fingers across her cheek. "I think that's supposed to be my line," he teased. "I don't know what I was thinking Robin - there is no way I can go six months without sex...without having sex with you. I can barely go six minutes without wanting to make..." he caught himself, "without wanting to be with you."

Smiling, Robin sat up and pushed him back against the pillows, straddling his hips. Peeling off her tanktop she tossed it behind her and looked deeply into his eyes, her naked body offered before him. "I'm right here" she said. Picking up his hand she brought his fingers to her mouth kissing them one by one. Patrick's eyes fluttered closed and he let out a silent sigh as she kissed his bandaged finger; it felt as though she was taking the venom from it. Gripping her by the waist, he flipped her underneath him and closed his mouth overtop hers. Their kisses were slow but passionate, tender but wet and both their bodies flushed from the heat.

Tracing his fingers across the soft skin of her belly he pulled back the elastic band of her shorts and dipped his hand inside curling his fingers through the delicate curls, smiling against her skin as he felt the evidence of her desire. Her legs parted almost involuntarily as she silently asked for more. So often the sex between them was hurried and hot, done with great urgency but Patrick was in no rush tonight. He wanted to feel every ripple, every response. Moving from her mouth, he dragged his tongue along her neck before closing his lips around her earlobe and sucking gently. Robin moaned as she ran her foot along the back of his leg, tracing his lean muscles. Patrick curled his finger inside her, pumping it slowly as her breathing became more ragged in response. He continued to cover her skin in small, soft kisses latching on to one hardened nipple and then the other. He laved them with his tongue and Robin's hands flew to his hair, fisting it as tremors built inside her.

"Oh God Patrick" she panted.

"Does you feel good baby?" he asked hoarsely as he flicked her hardened peak with his tongue.

"So, so good" she said, clenching her eyes shut as desire coursed through her.

His fingers gripped her boy shorts and pulled them down her legs; her hips came off the bed to help him and he could not resist placing a sweet kiss on her sex, his tongue fluttering against the bundle of nerves nestled at her apex. "You taste amazing" he told her as his mouth explored her skin. His arousal was making itself known, almost painfully so, but he tried to ignore it concentrating instead on Robin. Never before had he been so invested in another person's pleasure. Making Robin feel good, making her toes curl and her body writhe in pleasure was all he wanted.

Robin slid her hands down the back of his shorts, massaging his behind. "Why am I the only one naked?" she asked, lifting her hips and grinding them against him.

"Robin" he hissed. Rising from the bed he pushed his shorts from his hips and let them drop to the ground, pooling around his feet. His erection jutted out in front of him and she licked her lips as she reached out and wrapped her hand around it. Patrick closed his eyes, letting his head drop back. Her hand worked his length making him even harder than he already was. Fumbling, he reached over to the nightstand and retreived a condom, pressing it in to Robin's hand.

"Are you sure?" she asked seriously, worried that he was rushing things.

"Are you?" he asked, his legs trembling slighty.

Tearing open the square packet Robin unrolled the condom and sheathed him, trailing her fingers over his sensitive head. Shuddering, Patrck crawled back on the bed towards her, pulling her leg over his hip as he thrust inside her. Their lips met again in a dizzying, long, tender kiss as his hips undulated against hers. Their chests heaved and their bodies were slick with sweat as they worked towards their climaxes. Robin's hands swept across his skin, touching as much of him as possible. They locked eyes with each other as they moved effortlessly to the edge before tumbling over it.

She rested her head on his chest listening as his heartbeat returned to normal, her arms snaked around his waist; their legs were tangled up in each other. Patrick pressed several kisses in to the top of her head. Lifting her head, she smiled lazily at him. "Are you okay?"

Looking into her rich, brown eyes, lost in the afterglow of being with her, he felt like some of the weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Robin had this way of getting past all his defences, through his carefully constructed walls and rather than it terrifying him it balanced him. He pressed his lips into hers, tasting her delicate sweetness.

"I'm more than okay."

Patrick leaned against the doorway to April Gilbert's room reviewing her chart. He was disheartened by her poor response to treatment and understood that she really was at the end and there was very little he or anyone could do but make her comfortable. He had already warded of Iris Sneed, the hospital's persnickety adminstrator, on two occassions as she tried to have April moved to the county hospital since she was uninsured. If he couldn't save her life then the very least he could do was ensure that when it ended she was at ease and at peace if possible.

"I'm not sleeping" she said weakly.

"You should be," he admonished teasingly as he walked in the room.

"I can sleep when I'm dead" she replied, smiling.

"Not funny" he told her. Death was failure to him. He became a doctor first to emulate his father and then to save lives. His competitive nature had been developed early on and as he worked his way through medical school, he viewed death as some invisible combatant in a war for his patients. It was always personal when he lost someone, he could never accept that he could not save everyone.

"Dr. Drake - we're all going to die." She grinned at him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know" he grinned back at her. "But you're not going to do it today, on my watch - got it?"

"You're looking better but your bedside manner still stinks" she joked.

"This is as good as I get" he retorted.

"Are you feeling better? Has the protocol settled down?" Her concern was etched on her face.

"April" he said softly, "you're not supposed to be looking after me - that's why they pay me the big bucks." It had been nearly two weeks since April's surgery and he was feeling more and more like his old self every day. He had spent almost every night at Robin's place since that night she had cooked dinner for him and he wasn't sure if he was feeling better because he was used to the medication or because of the effect Robin had on him - he suspected it was a little bit of both.

"Dr. Drake..."

"Patrick" he corrected her.

"Patrick" she said softly, "I have to know you're okay - after what you did for me..." her voice faltered slightly.

Patrick took her hand and closed his around it. "April, I did what any doctor would do..."

She shook her head. "No. Do you have any idea how many times I have been refused care because people didn't want to deal with me? I had a toothache that became abscessed because I couldn't find a dentist to treat me. You didn't do what any doctor would do - you took a risk, a huge risk and the idea that I might have given you this ...this horror..." her eyes welled with tears and she bit down on her lip to keep from crying.

He was flabbergasted for a moment. It had never occurred to him not to treat her and he was having difficulty imagining what kind of doctor could, in good conscience, refuse to treat someone so desperately in need of care. And yet again his mind turned to Robin and he wondered if she had ever been refused anything because of her HIV status; would there come a time, like April, where she would be so roundly rejected by those who should know better? His chest tightened as he thought of her and he shook his head trying to place his feelings at bay.

"April I need you to listen to me, to really hear me," he insisted, unaware of another young doctor listening at the door. "Those doctors, those dentists who wouldn't treat you were wrong..."

"No, I get it," she interrupted.

"I don't" he said, his voice tinged with anger. "You deserved treatment then and deserve it now - I would never be able to live with myself if I had refused to treat you. As for me being exposed," he shook his head, "there are worst things than having HIV. I have an amazing...friend...who has shown me in a million ways that life doesn't stop because of a diagnosis."

"Robin" April smiled knowingly, "and I think she's more than your friend."

Patrick smiled in spite of himself. "Anyways" he said exaggeratedly, ignoring her statement, "I don't want you worrying about whether or not I have HIV. I want you to rest and heal. You may have end stage AIDS April but you still have some living to do. And for the record, if I had it to do over, I would still operate on you."

Robin caught her breath and quietly slipped from the doorway, afraid of being caught. Her heart was near to bursting at his admissions and she was reminded yet again that Patrick, when unguarded, was possibly the most remarkable person she knew.

Having sat with April until she finally fell asleep, Patrick replaced her chart at the foot of her bed and headed out of the room, pulling the door shut behind him. Walking towards the Nurses' Station he looked down in surprise to see his left hand tembling. Thinking it was a cramp, he flexed and clenched his first trying to work away the tremor; after several minutes it finally passed. Turning the corner, he stopped short as he saw Robin in full fight mode.

"Put down the crack pipe Ms. Sneed" Robin snarled.

"Charming - is that what a Yale education buys you these days?" the woman sneered, towering over Robin.

"For the last time, April Gilbert is NOT being moved. If you touch so much as a hair on her head I will call Nikolas Cassadine, Alan Quartermaine and I will have my friend D.A. Davis file an injunction against this hospital. And if that's not enough, I will call the media and hold a press conference on the front lawn informing everyone of the discriminatory practices of this hospital."

"You don't scare me," she replied, unconvincingly.

"Then you are severely underestimating me." Patrick smirked to himself, thinking truer words had never been spoken. He had the scars to prove that dismissing Robin too quickly was a bad idea. There was something about seeing her fight, her fiery spirit on full display that made his heart beat a little faster.

"She can't pay - she is taking up a bed from a patient who can."

"Is that all you're worried about?"

"You dismiss it like it's a small matter."

"I will get you your stupid money" she huffed and turning on her heel stormed towards the elevator.

Patrick watched as she waited for the elevator and knew by the way her jaw was set that she was determined and would not rest until she got what she wanted. She was a source of constant amazement to him and he knew that she was one of those once in a lifetime people. And out of nowhere a small voice in the back of his head spoke up:

"I'm in love with her."

Chapter 6

One day you're waiting for the sky to fall, next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all

As Iris Sneed continued on what was now nearly an hourly tirade, Patrick wondered briefly if his eyeballs could cramp from repeated rolling. She had sought him out at the Nurses Station complaining about the bad precedent he was setting by not signing off on April Gilbert's move to county hospital. Somewhere between being told about how irresponsible it was of him to operate on her and how April was taking up a bed from a paying patient, Patrick thought his brains had begun to leak out his ears and he snapped.

"Is the view pretty good up there?" he sniped.

"Pardon?" the adminstrator spluttered.

"I'm just wondering if the view in the cheaps seats is good? Because it occurs to me that in the two weeks that April Gilbert has been a patient in this hospital all you've managed to do is moan about her taking up space. How nice for you that you never have to get your hands dirty Ms. Sneed -how nice that you never have to look another human being in the eye and tell them that despite all the advances of modern medicine there is absolutely nothing you can do for them and they are going to die."

Her cheeks flushed crimson in embarrassment and her green eyes flashed with anger. "We all can't be doctors..."

"Lucky for our patients that applies to you."

Ms. Sneed opened to her mouth to reply when the elevator doors opened. "You Iris Sneed?" Looking past her shoulder Patrick was surprised to find Sonny Corinthos walking towards her.

"Yes" she replied nervously.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked perfunctorily, jamming his hands in his pockets.

"Of course Mr. Corinthos. How can I be of assistance?"

His dark eyes bore into her. "Do you make it a habit to discriminate against AIDS patients Ms. Sneed?"

"Well...uh...of course not - at least not those who can pay" she said in a desperate attempt to regain her footing. Patrick leaned back against the counter and folded his arms across his chest, amused at the situation Ms.Sneed suddenly found herself in. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Robin slip into view, a smile small resting on her lips.

"So you would let a woman who is at the end of her life be moved around like a piece of furniture all so you can protect your precious bottom line?"

"You have to understand..."

Sonny raised his hand to silence her. "What I understand is this - across the quad from this building is the Stone Cates Memorial AIDS building - a building that I have made significant - signficant - contributions to. That building was established so that those with HIV and AIDS would never be turned away and how dare you defy the mandate of that place."

"With all due respect Mr. Corinthos General Hospital is a profit based institution and we cannot take on every charity case that comes along."

"Shove your repsect" Sonny spat as Ms. Sneed's mouth dropped open in shock. "I will be taking care of Ms. Gilbert's bills and so help me if I find out that she is mistreated in any way, if she is unhappy about anything - the temperature of her coffee, the way the nurse changes her i.v., anything - there will be consequences. Do you understand me?"

Swallowing hard, she nodded. "Of course."

"And one more thing" he said taking a step closer to her. "I have spoken to Alan Quartermaine and we will be ressurecting the Nurses Ball. It seems to me that some people around here could use a little education about living with HIV and AIDS. I expect you to be there and be a willing participant. Understood?" he asked menacingly.

"Y-yes sir" she stammered. Turning on his heel, Sonny stalked to the elevators and disappeared almost as quickly as he had appeared.

"You were saying?" Patrick said to her, smirking.

"N-nothing" she replied humiliated. She gathered up her files and headed back to her office.

Looking back over to where Robin had been standing he was surprised to see her gone. Signing off his last chart he left the Nurses Station in search of her.

As he peered through the door to her lab he shook his head wondering what exactly it meant that he knew where she would be. He tried to tell himself that anyone in the hospital could have guessed she would be in her lab working but for him it was more than that. She went to the roof to feel things, to the pier to think but she went to her lab when she needed to lose herself. It was her safe haven and he knew that. He didn't know why he was so surprised, he guessed that if you were really in love with someone you would know their places but there were days in the past he could barely remember his partner's name let alone know their habits. It was all so very new - and so very scary - for him.

Pushing open the door he smiled at the way she chewed on the corner of her bottom lip as she read the slide under her microscope. "Hey" he called to her.

Robin's heart beat a little faster as she heard his voice. She had felt him walk in the lab before he called to her but in a futile effort to keep her feelings about him under wraps, she was trying to play it cool. "Hi" she said, looking up and smiling at him.

"I saw you upstairs" he told her as he walked towards her table, sitting down on the stool opposite hers. "When Sonny was giving Ms. Sneed the smackdown she so richly deserved."

Unable to surpress her giggle, Robin covered her mouth. "It really was a thing of beauty" she agreed.

"So, Sonny is going to pay for April's care" he remarked cautiously, dragging his hand through his hair.

"Yeah" she agreed brightly, "it's great - no more threats of April being moved."

His tongue darted nervously from his mouth, licking his lips. "Robin did you...did you ask Sonny to pay for April?"

"Does it matter?" she asked quickly.

"Well...kind of - I mean - I could have covered her costs, I just didn't think it would be appropriate but I was still willing to take on Ms.Sneed to keep her here." He was unsure why it mattered if she asked Sonny; all he knew was that he found himself wishing she had included him in her plans.

"It wouldn't have been appropriate for you to pay Patrick" she replied quietly. Getting up from her stool she came around the table and sat beside him. "I didn't ask him" she reassured him.

Furrowing his brow, he looked at her with confusion. "Then how did he know?"

"I didn't ask him but I did go to see him. I told him about April...and you" she added softly.

Blinking several times in surprise, he said nothing. Her relationship with the local mobsters was a mystery to him; it seemed so at odds with the type of person he knew her to be but then he realized there was so much about her that he didn't know. He knew that she had been in love with Jason Morgan and that she had returned from Paris to save his life. Despite several roundabout attempts asking her what brought about the end of that relationship he had never received an answer. She would roll off the stock answers that people give when relationships end but there was a pain in her eyes when she spoke of Jason that told him much remained unresolved. The few times he had seen her interact with Sonny had been awkward and stilted and so he found it odd that she would suddenly unburden herself to a man who seemed more of a stranger than a friend.

"You told him about me?" he asked, finally finding his voice.

Reaching across the table Robin curled her hand around his index finger, slowly rubbing her thumb along its underside. "Sonny and I kind of have an enduring bond."

"Stone?" he ventured.

Smiling, she nodded. "You don't know the Sonny I know or knew anyways - most people don't. But he was good to Stone, long before he was diagnosed with AIDS. And then when he got sick, Sonny moved heaven and earth to help him and then me." Tears pricked her eyes as she remembered the way things had been between them and how badly they had fallen apart.

Patrick sat completely still and let her speak. Engaging Robin in conversation was never difficult but getting her to reveal anything was another matter. She was letting him in and he didn't want to do anything to stop that.

"When Stone first started telling people that he had AIDS most people were really kind" her eyes crinkled as she flashed back to the support that seemed to appear out of nowhere for both of them in those early, scary days. "But not everyone was understanding and there was still so much misinformation out there. There were a couple of doctors and nurses who would refuse to treat him, even when he just had a cold. And so Sonny made a promise to both of us that there would always be a place that HIV positive people and AIDS patients could go for treatment." Exhaling, Robin reached behind her and wrapped her long hair into a bun at the base of her neck. "Stone's death shook Sonny to his core. I actually think that when Stone died so did a lot of Sonny's hope and so giving him an opportunity to help with April lets him be a little of who he used to be. I know that I miss that man and I think he does to."

Pursing his lips together, he nodded slowly. "Well then I'm glad he could help." Robin gave him a shy smile and started to move from her seat but Patrick stopped her. "You don't talk a lot about Stone."

"It's a little strange to talk about your dead boyfriend with your cur-, with the man you're dating."

"But you could you know - you could talk to me about him if you wanted to."

Robin cupped his cheek with her hand. "You're very sweet. There's just not much to say," she shrugged. "He's been gone more than a decade and while I still miss him, my life has moved on."

Seeing the wall build up again Patrick let the subject drop. "You know what I was thinking?" he asked, pulling her towards him.

"I'm afraid to ask" she grinned.

"Chicken" he teased. "I was thinking we need a night out."

Pulling back, Robin studied him carefully. "Are you sure? I mean how is your nausea - are you up for going out?" She covered her face with her hand. "Sorry - I don't mean to be such a worrywart."

Patrick nipped at her lips, smiling against her mouth. "I was thinking we could have a beer or two and shoot some pool. It's hardly painting the town red but it could be fun."

"Sounds great - I'm working until seven..."

"I'm off at six - I'll wait for you."

"You don't have to" she said quickly, trying to ignore the thrill it gave her knowing he would wait for her.

"I know" he said, kissing her quickly before letting her go. His hand was on the doorknob and he turned around. "Robin?"

"Yeah?" she said as she settled herself back behind her microscope.

"I kind of like it that you worry about me."

Chapter Seven

Let me be your shelter from the storm outside

"There is no way you can make that shot" Patrick challenged her.

Snorting, Robin playfully pushed him out of the way. "Don't let my fancy ivy league education fool you, Drake - I have made a ton of cash hustling poor saps like you who think because I'm little I can't play pool."

Smiling, he shook his head. "You are just full of surprises."

Bending over the pool table to line up her shot she turned her head and looked back at him, over her shoulder. "You have no idea." There was a sultriness to her tone that sent shivers through his body and he had to conciously stop himself from grabbing her around the waist and ravishing her right there on the pool table.

After signing off the last of his charts, he returned to the locker room, showered and changed into his jeans and a khaki green t-shirt before heading down to her lab to pick her up. He had stood in the doorway watching her work, a smile lying softly across his lips. He loved to watch her - her face was the picture of serious concentration but at the corner of her mouth her tongue was in constant danger of escaping. She was sure of herself in the lab and while she was hardly a wallflower, she exuded a quiet confidence more there than in any other place of her life. His heart had flipped over in his chest when she looked up and smiled at him - he was sure it was a smile that she had just for him and whereas before it would have made him nervous, he now found it comforting and exciting. They had walked hand in hand to Jake's with him throwing down the gauntlet and naming all the various things she was going to owe him when he beat her at pool. She had giggled and laughed but said nothing. Now as the table was covered in only striped balls - his - he realized yet again that underestimating Robin was simply foolish.

"So" she grinned as she leaned back against the table. "Let's see - that's two games for me and hmm - wait - er - NONE for you!!"

"No one likes a show off Scorpio" he replied teasingly.

"Fair enough. Though I do think I should be rewarded for my superior pool play."

Stepping into her, he looped his fingers through her belt loops and pulled her flush against him. "You do, do you?"

"Yup. Lots and lots of rewards - long...hard...rewards."

"You little vixen." He dipped his head and nipped at her lips, dragging his tongue along the seam.

"Ah look Elizabeth - young love"

Robin pulled away at the sound of Lucky's voice, her cheeks flushing in embarrasment. Patrick continued to hold fast to her waist as he turned to look at Elizabeth and Lucky. "Not just young love Lucky" he quipped, "hot love."

"Oh god" Robin groaned, covering her face.

"Let me guess - she kicked your ass at pool?"

"Well - wait - what makes you think I didn't kick her ass at pool?" he asked, marginally insulted.

"Oh please" he dismissed. "Robin has been a pool shark since she was about 12. I think I lost my lunch money to her more than once."

"Yes but it was a growth experience, right Lucky?" Robin joked, patting his arm. "Liz, can I interest you in some tequila?"

"Yes please" the young nurse replied enthusiastically.

"Lucky why don't you let Patrick beat you so he can feel better about himself and then you guys can join Liz and I at the bar?" Robin grinned.

With a mock glower on his face, Patrick shook his head. "Your reward is getting shorter and shorter Scorpio."

"I'm sure we'll get it...back up to speed...in no time" she giggled. "With the right motivation of course." She winked at him as she headed to the bar and he felt an ache building inside him.

"You want me to rack 'em up?" Lucky asked as Coleman dropped off two fresh beers to them.

"Sure" Patrick replied absently, his eyes still glued on Robin. There was simply no getting enough of her.

Fishing the balls from the pockets and placing them inside the rack, Lucky followed Patrick's gaze and smirked. "You have it bad" he observed.

"What? No, " he replied quickly. "I...uh...she's a lot of fun."

"Of course she is" he agreed. "And you have it bad for her."

Patrick narrowed his eyes and glared at his friend. "Why are you so insistent that I have it bad?"

"Why are you so insistent that you don't?" he asked, chalking up his cue. "Everyone has to fall at some point Patrick and trust me, Robin is liking hitting a home run your first time out." Leaning down, Lucky lined up his cue and fired his shot.

Taking a sip of his beer, he leaned back against the opposite pool table and watched Lucky. "Did you - did you ever date Robin?" his voice was tentative and he was unsure why he was afraid of the answer.

Looking up in surprise Lucky stared at him for a moment before speaking. "Uh - no. Robin only had eyes for Stone and then for Jason. And I was a pipsqueak who fell hard for Liz" he added, laughing.

Smiling, almost in relief, Patrick picked up his cue and took his place at the table. "Did you know Stone?" he asked cautiously as he sent the white ball rolling across the table to make contact with the green ball hovering near the far corner pocket.

"Yeah" Lucky replied easily, reaching for his beer. "He was a good guy."

"Robin doesn't really talk about him." Patrick mentally kicked himself as the words left his mouth - here he was breaking his own guy code and asking questions like a junior who just discovered the new transfer student. Except it was too rich an opportunity to pass up - right in front of him was someone who had known Robin much of her life and could offer some insight into this incredibly complex and guarded woman.

Lucky studied Patrick for a moment before answering. "It was a long time ago" he said quietly. "So many things here have changed since Stone died and it's hard to explain what it was like to someone who wasn't here."

"Oh" he said, his gaze turning back to his shot.

"That's not quite what I meant" Lucky explained, feeling badly as he saw Patrick's face fall. "This city was pretty firmly divided into two camps when it came to Stone - those who supported him and those who were hateful and cruel to him. We became pretty protective of him and I think we still are - you know Stone was the first person I ever knew with AIDS -and he slipped away so quickly and in the middle of all that Robin was diagnosed," he remembered, shaking his head. "It felt a lot like life was out of control - there was no understanding anything and through it all, as supportive and loving as some people were, there were those who were just mean."

Missing his shot, Patrick stepped away from the table. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to drag up bad memories."

"They aren't bad memories" Lucky clarified, "I just haven't thought about them in a long time. You would have liked him, I think. He like cars and motorcycles" Lucky smirked. "He even helped me build a soapbox - I had the coolest one in the derby."

"Did you win?"

"Of course" Lucky smiled, eyeing his next shot. "Robin took care of everyone after Stone died" he added, "Sonny, my dad, Ned, Lois - she made us all feel better and listened as we all talked about how much we missed him. It was like she needed to keep taking care of people even after he was gone ..."

"She needed to stay in motion" Patrick offered.

"Something like that" Lucky said. "I don't know how she worked through it all."

"Or if she did" Patrick thought to himself, looking over at Robin and Elizabeth in peals of laughter at the bar.

Their pool game long done, Patrick and Lucky joined Elizabeth and Robin at the bar for a game of 'Have you ever?' Feeling the need to be close to her, Patrick had pulled Robin to his lap and was nuzzling her neck as Elizabeth tried to think up the next question. His hands slid around her wais and his fingertips curled under the hem of her t-shirt teasing her skin.

"Okay! Okay I got it!" Liz slurred. "Have you ever been to Backstreet Boys concert?" she asked.

The four friends eyed each other carefully. Robin shrieked as Patrick knocked back a shot of tequila. "NO WAY!" she said, slapping his arm.

He shrugged. "It was a date," he dismissed. "And their music got her hot - I'm all for getting my dates hot" he said huskily.

"Well" Robin said, cupping his chin, "it's not like you have to work real hard at that."

"You realize that you two aren't nearly as subtle as you think you are, right?" Lucky asked.

"Subtlety is for wimps" Patrick replied, kissing Robin hard on the lips.

"Your turn Patrick" Liz said.

"Hmm" he said tapping his chin. "Have you ever had sex in a public place?" A smirk crossed his lips as all three of his friends reached for their drinks. Leaning in, he whispered into Robin's ear. "I want to hear all about this public escapade when we're alone."

Looking at him cross-eyed, Robin smiled and whispered, "Hear about it? If you're a very good boy I may even show you."

Several rounds later and the two women stumbled hand in hand to the bathroom. Lucky shook his head as Patrick watched Robin until she was out of sight. "Again I say - you have it bad."

"Maybe" he finally agreed, his tongue loosened by several drinks. "I've just...I've never known anyone like her."

"Elizabeth told me" he started, "she told me what you did in the OR. Patrick that was incredibly brave -"

Patrick waved him off. "It wasn't brave - I did what I was trained to do - I did what I was supposed to do. I knew the risks going in."

"Yeah, well - I still think it's brave. I hope it all works out for you man."

"Thanks. I'll tell you this" he said, noticing the women coming back from the bathroom, "I know now that testing positive wouldn't be the end of the world."

Approaching the bar Robin slipped and fell, landing firmly on her behind. Patrick was off his stool in a shot, helping her to her feet. "I think it's time we go home, what do you think?" he asked.

Jumping into his arms and wrapping her legs around his waist she kissed him softly on the mouth. "Time for me to collect on my reward" she giggled.

Patrick carried her from the taxi up the three flights of stairs to her apartment while she searched through her purse for her keys. Finding them, she dangled them in front of his face, pulling them just out of reach as he tried to take them. Finally wresting them from her grasp he unlocked the door and carried her inside, kicking the door closed behind them. The alarm for her meds began to bleat as he placed her on the bed.

"I'll get it for you" he said as Robin started to scramble to her feet.

"You're a good boyfriend" she smiled drunkenly. "You're MY good boyfriend" she declared.

"You just stay on the bed, okay?" he smiled, leaving the room. He returned with her meds and a bottle of water. "Get these in you and while you're at it, an asprin wouldn't be a bad idea either. I think you're going to hate yourself in the morning" he teased, sitting down beside her on the bed.

Leaning back against the pillows, Robin pulled off the top of the water bottle and reached for her first pill. "I already hate myself" she said quietly. "I hate taking these stupid pills, I hate having to be a slave to an alarm - I hate it, " she slurred. Staring at her in shock, Patrick said nothing as she reached for her last pill and swallowed it down. Her eyes were heavy with sleep as the full effects of the alcohol made themselves known. "I sometimes wonder why I'm still alive" she whispered before passing out.

It was such a tiny but powerful glimpse into who she was. Getting up from the bed, his eyes filled rapidly with tears. Blinking them away, he pulled her shoes from her feet. She had become so good at putting a positive spin on it, of making others comfortable with her disease, that it became so easy to accept her at word and assume that she wasn't bothered, that she didn't have doubts or worries or fears. He would have given anything in that moment to take it all away from her. If she had met Stone four years later, if the anti-retro viral cocktail had existed when she was first exposed, her life could have been very different. Unbuttoning her jeans, he pulled them from her legs and tossed them to the side. He tucked her under the covers before peeling off his own clothing and sliding in beside her. She was fast asleep, the tiniest of snores coming from the back of her throat. Gathering her in his arms he lovingly stroked her hair, pressing his lips into her forehead.

"You're still alive because I'm meant to fall in love with you" he whispered.

Chapter 7

Let's just see what the morning brings

Hearing the shower running Patrick sat up in bed, letting the sheets fall carelessly around his hips. He leaned against the headboard and tiredly rubbed his face; it had been a relatively sleepless night for him. Robin had passed out and snored noisily through the night but that was not what had impeded his slumber - it was his head, his thunderously loud thoughts, that kept him awake. For starters he admitted out loud that he was falling in love. That alone could keep him awake for a week but what really bothered him was the tiny insight to the pain Robin carried with her. She had wondered why she was still alive and he understood well enough that what she really meant was why was she still alive when others weren't. Rightly or wrongly he assumed others included Stone. No person should carry a weight like that and having just discovered his heart, Patrick was now all too aware how easily it could be broken.

An image of his mother popped into his mind and not for the first time, he found himself wishing she was there with him. He was in the most uncomfortable position of wanting to do something - take care of Robin - and not having the first clue on how to do it, a real rarity in his life. His mother would know how. Everyone who came in to contact with Mattie Drake left amazed by her compassion - she had an enormous heart and spent most of her life caring for those around her. Momentarily stunned by his thought Patrick suddenly realized this was one of the same qualities that attracted him to Robin. The alarm on his cell phone buzzed reminding him it was time for his meds, bringing his own reality crashing back. Pushing the sheets off he retrieved his jeans from the floor and pulled them on before heading out to the kitchen.

Opening the pill bottle he tapped out his protocol and laid the pills out on the counter. Holding the bottle up to eye level he did a quick count of the remaining pills and smiled wryly when he saw that he had less than two weeks left to go. There were very few side effects left but just the same, he would be happy to leave the routine behind. Not having to take pills three times a day would let him reclaim some normalcy while he spent the next five months waiting for test results. He had just swallowed down the last of his pills when Robin came into the kitchen pulling a comb through her wet hair.

"Feeling human yet?" he teased, leaning against the counter.

"Mmm" she groaned. "Almost. Coffee and a greasy breakfast at Kelly's will go a long way to completing the transformation." Eyeing his bare chest she felt the familiar flip flop of her stomach as she drank in his beauty. "How come you're not hungover?" she asked suspiciously.

"Because I didn't drink as much tequila as you did?" Reaching out he grabbed hold of her robe's belt and pulled her towards him, dropping a soft kiss on her lips. "How great is your need for Kelly's? Do I have time for a shower?"

"Damn" she smiled. "If I had known you wanted one I would have woken you up to join me."

"You could always come back in? Let me scrub those hard to reach spots." He nipped at her lips.

The buzzing of her watch interrupted them and Robin swept her hand across his chest, sighing. "Rain cheque?"

"Of course" he grinned. "I'll be quick and we can head out to Kelly's."

He stared at her in amusement as she attacked the large stack of pancakes in front of her; for someone so tiny she had the appetite of a lumberjack. Feeling his eyes on her she looked up at him. "What?" she mumbled with her mouth full.

"Hungry?" he asked.

"I'm hungover!" she protested, chasing the pancakes with some coffee. "Surely you are not going to deny me the perfect hangover cure?"

Holding up his hands in mock surrender, he grinned. "Far be it from me to get in your way."

She stuck her tongue out at him before signalling Mike for a coffee refill. "So last night was fun, wasn't it? I mean until I passed out. Looks like you and Lucky were having a good time at the pool table."

Patrick swirled the remnants of his coffee in the bottom of his mug. Alone in the shower he had tried to find the right way to broach her drunken pronouncements from the night before but couldn't find a way to do it that didn't come across as overbearing and had decided to let it drop. He wondered if this was the opening he needed. "Yeah - it was fun. I didn't realize you had known Lucky for so long. He was telling me about the soapbox racer that Stone helped him build."

Robin fell silent as her fork clanged against the plate. Her tongue ran along her bottom lip as she stared at him almost suspiciously. "How did the subject of Stone come up?" she asked evenly.

He knew this was dangerous ground but honesty was the only way forward - he could not lie to the woman he was in love with, even if she didn't yet know he was in love with her. "I asked him if he knew Stone."

"Why? Why would you do that?" Her normally warm brown eyes burned with a cold fury.

Making a face, he set his coffee cup down on the table and leaned forward. "I didn't realize I was 'doing' anything. Lucky and I were just talking and I asked him if he knew Stone. What's the problem?"

"The problem is Stone is...it's just...if you want to know about Stone you should ask me not sneak around asking other people."

Under other circumstances he would have been prepared to chalk her irritable mood up to her hangover but based on the night before he suspected there was much more going on with her and he wanted to get to the bottom of it. "Okay, first of all" he replied slowly, "I wasn't sneaking around - I was playing pool with Lucky - we also talked about Elizabeth, Cam and whether the Giants were going to make the playoffs. Second of all - you never talk about Stone. Never."

"I never thought you were interested. Hell - what is it you've told me - I have my committed relationship by default? You'll forgive me then if I'm not willing to bare my soul when the only reason you're with me is I'm the only woman not put off by your potential HIV status."

"It's not by default." His voice was so quiet, Robin had to strain to hear him.

"What did you say?"

Lowering his hands he stared at her for several long breaths. "I said it's not by default. I'm with you Robin because I want to be. I want to be with you - I want you to kick my ass at pool, I want to watch you devour pancakes on a lazy Saturday morning, I want to be with you - and only you."

She was stunned by his admission. A month ago she had been practically begging for him to say this exact thing to her but now she didn't feel she could trust it. Today was Stone's birthday and it was a day that reminded her of how temporary life was and that attachments, deep attachments, generally ended in heartbreak - usually hers. She didn't know how to tell him that - to tell him she was terrified to listen to her heart for fear of losing herself all over again. She loved him but was sure that if she told him he would run screaming and that was more than she could handle. So instead she did the only thing she knew how to do; she tried to push him away - hard.

"How convenient for you" she replied angrily.

"No" he shook his head. "Not convenient, true." He was not going to be easily moved from his position.

"Whatever" she dismissed. "If you want to know something about my life I would prefer you ask me and not drill my friends."

"I wasn't drilling your friends" he protested. "What is it that's bothering you - that I talked to Lucky or that I talked to Lucky about Stone?"

"Stone is OFF limits" she slapped her hand on the table, causing Patrick to flinch. Even she was surprised by her anger.

"Let me get this straight" he checked. "You want me to commit to you but you don't want to be open with me?"

"Why are you so interested in Stone?" she asked in frustration, rubbing her hands over her face. On some level she knew she was being irrational but she was powerless to stop it.

Patrick shrugged. "Maybe because he was the first person you risked your heart for, maybe because his death fundamentally changed the course of your life, maybe because half this town talks about him like he's some kind of saint. I'm just trying to learn more about you Robin. You are only comfortable sharing when you control the conversation and that's not how relationships work - you have to let me in."

"Now you're some kind of relationship expert" she sniffed.

"Not an expert" he said quietly "but someone who has feelings for you and doesn't want to be kept at arm's length."

Robin was rendered momentarily speechless. She opened her mouth to speak but was interrputed by the vibration from her pager; Patrick's phone began to ring at the same time.

Flipping open his phone, Patrick listened to the person on the other end and a dark cloud crossed his face. "We'll be right in" he said before hanging up. Robin looked at him expectantly. "It's April - she's critical."

Grabbing her purse Robin stood up and held out her hand. "Let's go."

Chapter 8

It would be great to be so strong, never needing anybody else to get along

The room was eerily quiet. Gone was the persistent beep of the heart monitor and all that was left was silence. April Gilbert's body lay on the bed before him, draped in a sheet. Hands slung low on his hips, his eyes were fixed on the door. He wanted to go after her but he could not make his legs move, it was as though they were encased in cement. Having left Kelly's in a hurry, Patrick had driven as quickly as he could to the hospital but when he and Robin walked through the door it was already too late; April had died in the short time it had taken them to get there. Robin had quietly raged against the unfairness of it all and it was then that the weight she had been carrying all day - all week even - had come tumbling out. It was Stone's birthday and April's death had her reeling. Alan had tried to comfort her but it only enraged her further and she had stormed from the room.

"Patrick?"

Alan's voice pulled him from his thoughts. "I'm sorry Alan. I've never seen her so...so...I'm not sure what."

"Angry" he replied gently. "Robin is angry."

Patrick sighed quietly. "Alan I don't understand - April's death was not unexpected - she was end stage when she got here and while I'm disappointed by her death I just..." his voice trailed off as he could not find the words to articulate the jumble of emotions rolling around in his head.

"Patrick AIDS is a monster. Multi-headed, firebreathing, unrelenting monster. Robin has been battling with this monster on a professional and more significantly on a personal level for the better part of a decade. Every death feels like the most monumental failure - 25 years later and there is still no cure and bodies keep piling up."

"It's Stone's birthday" he said softly.

"Ah." Alan grimaced as he thought back to the short life and quick death of Stone Cates and how it changed so many things for so many people. "Then April's death has hit her right in the heart."

"I should...I should go find her." He looked back to the door secretly hoping she would walk back through but he knew she was running as far and as fast as she could. Alan nodded and finally finding his feet, Patrick headed out the door.

He took the stairs to the roof two at a time and threw open the door but the roof was empty. Slightly dejected he headed back down the stairs and ran directly into his father.

Noah took one look at his son and put a hand on his shoulder. "Patrick?"

"April Gilbert died a few minutes ago" he said quickly.

"I'm so sorry son" Noah replied.

"Yeah - me too. I need - I have to find Robin."

"Does she not know?"

Patrick blinked back tears and it all came tumbling out. "She does know - she's devastated and angry and it's Stone's birthday and she ran off upset and I don't know where to find her which is probably just as well because I haven't the first clue of what I would say to her if I did find her."

Noah took his son by the elbow and led him to the couches in the waiting area. "First thing Patrick - you need to take a deep breath."

"Don't talk to me like I'm a child" he snapped.

"I'm not" Noah replied softly. "But you're upset and if you're going to be any use to Robin you need to calm down."

There was a soothing timbre to his father's voice and instinctually Patrick found himself inhaling deeply and settling down. "Sorry" he apologized sheepishly. "Dad she's just so - I've never seen her like this - she's angry and sad and I don't know what to say to her."

"Maybe there's nothing to say" he offered. Patrick raised an eyebrow. "You know, despite what Hallmark tries to tell us there aren't words for every occassion. Sometimes all you could do is just hold someone's hand, listen to them talk, dry their tears and that can be as powerful and comforting as a book of wisdom."

Smirking, Patrick gave his head a small shake. His father was full of surprises and somehow managed to be exactly where he needed him to be and told him what he needed to hear even if it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Some bonds were just unbreakable. "I don't know where to find her" he replied.

"You're a resourceful guy Patrick - you'll find her."

Standing up, Patrick smoothed down his pants and smiled at his father. "Thanks."

"Good luck."

As he walked up the steps he could see her standing in the corner, her arms wrapped tightly around herself as though holding herself together; Patrick didn't think he had ever seen her look so small. She was exactly where Sonny had told him she would be. He had checked the pier, her apartment and Kelly's before making a round of phone calls. It was Elizabeth who suggested he try Sonny and though the mobster had been reticent to tell him at first, once Patrick explained the details he was more forthcoming.

Quietly he crossed the overpass and stood beside her. She turned her head slightly to acknowledge him and Patrick could see the tracks of tears down her cheeks - it cut at him so very unexpectedly. "So I guess this confirms that we're in a relationship" he said breaking the thick silence.

"What?" she asked incredulously as she wiped furiously at her face.

"Well what else do you call it when you search the entire city and call everyone you know trying to find your girlfriend?" he asked, trying to elicit a smile.

Robin shook her head. "Well now that you've found me, you can go" she said coolly. "I don't need you here."

"No" he replied simply. Robin raised her eyebrows in surprise. He turned and leaned back against the railing, staring at her. "You don't have to talk to me, you don't have even look at me but you do need me and so I'm not going anywhere."

"What are you? A glutton for punishment?" she challenged angrily.

"I care about you" he said softly, "and I'm not leaving you alone."

Robin scoffed at his words. "Not leaving me alone? I am alone - I have been alone since the day Stone died and I will be alone for the rest of my life until I die of AIDS - just like Stone and just like April!"

Patrick recoiled slightly at her fury and while he couldn't be completely sure he thought he saw something break inside of her. "Robin...you are not alone - you have people who care for you and love you - like me."

"Those are just words Patrick - they're easy to say because no one is going to hold you or anyone else to them when I'm dying. One of these days - it could be next year, two years or 10 years from now but one of these days I will die."

"Robin, stop!" he implored her. The defeat and resignation in her voice clawed at his insides and he was overcome with the desire to pull her into his arms and hold her tightly. "You don't get to give up!"

"Who's giving up? I'm being realistic! All roads lead to the same place Patrick - my meds will stop working and they will try the next pill and then the next until there are no options. Then the virus will take over my system and kill me slowly and painfully from the inside out. I could get cancers, infections, sores - I'll lose the desire and likely the ability to eat - I'll just waste away in a body wracked with pain. I will vomit, I will need help just to go to the bathroom - I will be bed bound. Maybe - just maybe I can be like Stone and lose my sight too - so that when the end finally comes there will be no pleasures left for me - not even seeing the faces of those I love." She glared at her, her brown eyes dulled with pain. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of death - I almost welcome it - but I am afraid of dying. Despite what the pamphlets say there is no dignity, there is no good death to be had when you have AIDS and I will die alone." Her face crumpled as the tears started once again to gush.

He could feel his heart shatter in to tiny shards. There was a part of him that was mortified that he had ever told her, ever accused her of hiding from life. Every day was struggle for her and he never fully realized the deep impact of that until this very moment. "Robin..." he began.

"DON'T! Don't tell me you understand - don't tell me you know how scary this can be or you know how much this hurts because you don't. You are very likely going to test negative in six months Patrick and I will be happy for you. It means your life will go back to normal - there won't be anything you can't do - operate, donate blood, go to any dentist you want without worrying that they won't take you as a patient - hell you'll be able to date whomever you want."

"I only want to date you"

"STOP SAYING THAT!" she screamed furiously at him.

"No." Reaching for her, he pulled her into his arms.

Her body was rigid with anger and she pounded her tiny fists against his chest but he kept holding her. The force of her punches lessened and gave way to tears. "Let me go!" she pleaded.

"Never" he said against her hair. "I'm not ever letting you go Robin - I'm here for the long haul."

"You don't mean that" she cried. Her body was wracked with sobs as she took great gulps of air.

Patrick moved his hands in slow, soothing circles along her back. His shirt was soaked through with her tears but still he would not let her go. "I've never been more serious about anything in my life" he said softly.