Stuff that you, the readers, have to know:
I am Mirmadon. I have no life outside of computers. I also host Wheel of Torture, a Gundam-based TV show. The contestant has to get 20 points by completing the challenges in order to spin the wheel of torture. They get to treat any GW character they want to the torture that the wheel ends up on. Miette and Layla are my pet cabbits. (For those of you who don't know what a cabbit is, they're basically cat-rabbits. Hence the name.) They are also my scorekeepers. They will mark the contestant's score. Miette is white with a black spot on his forehead. Layla is black with a white spot on her forehead. They speak in Cabbit, so I have no idea what they're saying. Now that you know all that... welcome to.....
Wheel of Torture!
Big, Boomy, Narrator Voice: welcome to Wheel of Torture, the show where it is up to you, the TV audience, as to how we should torture the poor, innocent, GW characters! And here's the mastermind behind it all... *drum roll*... Mirmadon!
*Lots of applause, which abruptly stops when Mirmadon enters stage and flips off applause switch*
Mirmadon: can we please get a real audience in here?
*The doors open and millions of screaming fan girls run into the room, trampling Mirmadon*
Mirmadon: *getting up slowly* owwwww...*dusts self off and climbs back onto stage* umm... Hello peoples! and welcome to the show! I'm sure you have all heard of Wheel of Fortune, right? Well, this is nothing like it! Right... I'm sure you're all familiar with the rules and regulations, but I have to repeat them every show any ways... The object of the game is to complete the set of tasks that we will set for the challenger. If they actually get through the course, they get to choose who they wish to torture, and then spin, spin, spin the.... WHEEL OF TOTURE! *lots of cheering* Then they will either personally get to perform the torture, or get a trained professional to do it for them! We have only one rule: You are not allowed to kill anyone. *disappointed sounds & some booing* hey, I didn't come up with that one, OK? The network made up that rule!
Now that we're done with that, let's all give a warm welcome to today's contestant *drum roll*.... Heero Yuy! *lots of cheering* *girls holding up posters of Heero and screaming "WE LOVE YOU!!!"* Riiight. So, Heero, how do you like being on the show?* shoves microphone in his face*
Heero: Hn.
Mirmadon: GREAT! So, Heero, if you win, who will you torture?
Heero: Relena.
Mirmadon: YES! WOOHOO! I sure hope you win! Our course supervisors have set a difficult first task for you today. You have to..... eat 100 pies in...... 5 minutes!
Heero: *with Perfect Soldier glint in eye* Mission accepted.
Mirmadon: Great! If you'll just follow me to the pie stand... *walks off stage, dragging Heero. Camera stays focused on the stage. Mirmadon pops head through exit. * Hey! We're over HERE! *Mumbles something about getting more competent camera men*
AT THE PIE STAND...
Mirmadon: Welcome to the pie stand, Heero!
Heero: ...
Mirmadon: ... riiight... well, I'm sure glad you're so enthusiastic. *rolls eyes* any ways... each challenge is worth 5 points. You will need 20 points to spin the Wheel of Torture. There are 5 challenges, and you get another spin per extra point you've scored. Are you ready?
Heero: Hn.
Mirmadon: Great! Start the timer!
Audience: *watches in awed silence as Heero stuffs his face. as the end of five minute period nears, chanting starts* 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! 0!
Unseen Bell: DING-DING-DING-DING-DING-DING-DING
Mirmadon: All right Heero, time's up! did you eat all the pies?
Heero: *points at 99 spotless pie tins*
Mirmadon: *counts them. pauses. recounts them.* waaaiiit... where's the last one?
Heero: *pulls pie tin with half of pie still in it out from behind his back*
Mirmadon: uh oh... you didn't complete the challenge......... however... since I reeeeaaaallyyy want to see Relena suffer.... *yells to guys off stage* OK, BOB, BRING 'ER IN!
*Large man drags in a gagged and bound Relena, who is struggling futilely*
Mirmadon: *with evil glint in eyes* give it to her, Heero.
Heero: *hurls pie at Relena. It hits her on the face with such force that the tin is dented*
Mirmadon: *smiles* Well, folks, should we give him the five points?
Audience: *deafening roar of approval*
Mirmadon: Well, that settles it! Miette, give Heero five points!
Miette: *snores softly with a little bit of drool at the corner of his mouth*
Layla: *nudges Miette, who jerks awake* Mew! Row mew mew!
Miette: *reaches for panel which will say "5" when he touches it, but he's to short. starts to cry*
Layla: *looks helpless for a minute. Light bulb appears above head. hop-runs over to Miette, who now has a rather large puddle collecting around him. pokes Miette* MROW! *picks up Miette, who then discovers that he can reach the panel if he stretches. touches panel*
Panel: DING!
Audience: *applause*
Miette and Layla: *bow*
Mirmadon: *wipes tear from corner of her eye, looking at Miette and Layla with almost maternal pride* they make *sniffle* such a *sniffle* cute couple!
Heero: *sweatdrop*
Mirmadon: *snaps out of emotional phase* CONGRATULATIONS, Heero, you completed the first challenge! You now have only 15 more points to go! Your next challenge is...*drum roll*... to be able to understand what the heck Miette and Layla are saying!
Audience: *massive sweatdrop*
Heero: ...
Mirmadon: You get to stay in a room with them for half an hour, and at the end of that time, you will come out and tell us what they're mewing about.
*Heero and the cabbits eye each other suspiciously*
Mirmadon: If you'll just follow me… *leads Heero and cabbits to a room. Shoves them inside, slams door, and locks it.*… all we can do now is wait.
IN THE ROOM
Miette: MROW!
Heero: ?
Miette: M-R-O-W.
Heero: ?
Layla: *giggles*
Miette and Layla: *start to dance around Heero, chanting in Cabbit*
Heero: Omae o korosu.
Miette and Layla: *blink.*
Layla: Mrow?
Heero: Of course I mean it!
Layla: Mew mew mrow. Mew row meeeeeew!
Heero: What do you mean by "No you won't. I'm too cuuuuuute?"
Layla: *bats eyes innocently*
This goes on for quite some time… half an hour, to be exact.
BACK OUTSIDE THE ROOM
Mirmadon: All right, folks, their time is up. Let's let 'em out, shall we? *opens door* All right. You can come out now.
*Heero and the cabbits come on stage*
Mirmadon: Well… can you understand them?
Heero: Hn.
Mirmadon: Layla, talk to Heero
Layla: Mew, Meewo! Mew mrow meeeeeewwey!
Heero: *blushes*
Mirmadon: Well, what'd she say?
Heero: She said "Hey, Heero! You are seeeeeeexxy!" *blushes again*
Mirmadon: *gives Heero the full head-to-toe scrutiny* Well… I can understand that.
Heero: *blushes yet again*
Mirmadon: Well, Heero, congratulations, you completed your SECOND CHALLENGE! Miette, give Heero 5 points.
*Miette hops onto Layla's head and touches the panel, and then apologizes to Layla for jumping on her head in Cabbit*
Panel: DING!
Audience: *cheers a lot. The girls with Heero posters scream some more*
Mirmadon: You only have ten more points to go! Your next challenge is…. *drum roll*… to swing across these monkey bars! *curtain pulls aside, showing a normal, kindergarten monkey bar set, about seven feet long*
Heero: … that's my third challenge?
Mirmadon: Yeah, I know.. pitiful. Our challenge-writers ran out of ideas. So sue me.
Heero: *gives Mirmadon the Death Glare*
Mirmadon: eep!
Heero: *walks up to monkey bars. Observes monkey bars. Pokes monkey bars. After convincing himself that there is no hidden threat, Heero climbs up onto the monkey bars and swings across*
Mirmadon: *watches Heero's butt sway. drools* Oh, God…
Heero: *climbs off monkey bars. Looks at Mirmadon oddly*
Mirmadon: *realizes she is still drooling. Wipes her face off* Ahem… right. Well… CONGRATULATIONS, Heero, you've just completed your third challenge!
Heero: That was pitiful.
Mirmadon: Yeah, yeah, yeah… I know. So what? You get five points, anyway.
Heero: Hn.
Mirmadon: OK, Miette, do your thing.
*Miette and Layla do their little points thing*
Panel: DING!
Audience: *cheers*
Heero: So what's the next challenge?
Mirmadon: Your fourth challenge is… *yet another drum roll*… to change the giant light bulb in this giant lamp! *a different curtain is pulled aside, revealing a huuuuuuuuuuuge lamp with a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge light bulb next to it*
Heero: These things just keep getting dumber and dumber, don't they?
Mirmadon: Yup! Well, you had better get to work.
Heero: *walks over to light bulb and lamp. Assesses them for hidden traps, and finds none. Picks up light bulb, which is three times his size, and puts it into the socket. Twists it. Light flares.* Now that was simply pointless.
Mirmadon: Umm… you're right. (To people offstage) HEY, BOB! BONK THE SCRIPTWRITERS ON THE HEAD!
*grunts and thuds come from offstage*
Mirmadon: *smiles maniacally* I love doing that… but any ways… Miette, give the man 5 points.
Miette and Layla: MEOW! *they do their little points thing*
Panel: DING!
Heero: So, what's my fifth challenge?
Mirmadon: Your fifth challenge is… *drum roll*… to comb your hair!
Heero: … NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Mirmadon: Yes. *Hands comb to Heero*
Heero: *takes comb and looks at it despairingly* all right… *tries to comb hair. Comb bounces off* This is going to take a while.
TWO HOURS LATER
*Heero is sitting cross-legged in the middle of the stage. All his hair is down, except for one last spike in front of his face*
Heero: *Gently untangles spike. It falls down, so now he can't see*
Mirmadon: wwooooowwww… *snaps out of it. Clears throat*… CONGRATULATIONS, HEERO! YOU'VE JUST COMPLETED YOUR FIFTH AND FINAL CHALLENGE!!!!
*balloons begin to fall from ceiling. And I mean FALL. Those things have something in them*
Mirmadon: *trying to cover head* OW! Owowowowowowowowowowowowow owowowowowowowowowowowowow!
From Offstage: Sorry.
Mirmadon: You'd better be. *growls*……….. Miette, give Heero his five points.
Layla: Meow. *holds hands above head*
Miette: *Jumps onto hands*
Layla: *collapses*
Everyone: *massive sweatdrop*
*Miette and Layla actually do their points thingie correctly this time*
Panel: DING!
Mirmadon: Well, Heero, you now have…… TWENTY-FIVE POINTS!
Girls in audience with Heero posters: *scream*
Mirmadon: *touches ear* ow…….. Do you know what that means, Heero?
Heero: …
Mirmadon: You get to spin, spin, spin, the… WHEEL OF TORTURE!
Heero: …
Mirmadon: That means that you spin our wheel. Whatever torture it lands on, you get to perform on Relena.
Heero: *small smile*
*curtain is pulled aside, revealing a wheel (which looks a lot like the Wheel of Fortune wheel, except it is black instead of green. Ew… green.)*
Mirmadon: Now all you have to do is spin it.
Heero: *steps up to wheel, grabs the little spinny thingie and spins it*
Wheel: whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir clunk. clunk. clunk. clunk. clunk. clunk. clunk.. clunk.. clunk.. clunk.. clunk… clunk… clunk… clunk… clunk…. clunk.… clunk.… clunk.… clunk…. clunk…... clunk…… clunk……….. clunk………………. clunk………………………… clunk………………………………………. CLUNK.
Audience: …
Mirmadon: *steps up to wheel. Examines. smiles* Congrats, Heero. Do you know what you get to do to Relena?
Heero: …
Mirmadon: You get to pull her heart out and show it to her while it is STILL BEATING.
Heero: *evil grin*
Mirmadon: *looks scared*……… riiiiiight. Now, you have a choice. You can perform this yourself or you can have a trained professional do it for you. What'll it be?
Heero: I'll do it.
Mirmadon: You will? Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww! Well… OK… whatever… BOB! BRING 'ER IN!
Bob: *drags in a tied and gagged Relena whose face is still covered with pie*
Mirmadon: Set 'er down over there. *points to a chair*
Big, Boomy, Narrator Voice: Small children and people with weak stomachs may exit though the doors at the back of the studio.
Audience: *everyone streams out.* *cricket noises*
Mirmadon, Heero, Miette, and Layla: *sweatdrop*
Heero: *starts to cut up Relena, being careful to shed as little blood as possible*
Relena: *muffled screams of pain*
I think we'll just skip a bit, shall we? FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
Heero: *triumphantly holds Relena's beating heart. Shows it to her. Is just about to kill her when…*
Mirmadon: NOOOOO! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO KILL YOUR TORTURE VICTIM!!!
I hate myself for that…
Heero: *looks wounded*
Mirmadon: It's our only rule. You're not allowed to kill you torture victim. What if the next person on Wheel of Torture wanted to torture the same person? Now……. Put the heart back.
Heero: Hn. *shoves heart back into place*
Mirmadon: Can we get a doctor over here?
Doctor: *rushes in. Puts Relena on a stretcher. Rushes out*
Mirmadon: *blink* wow. That was fast…
Heero: …
Mirmadon: Miette, how many points does Mr. Yuy have left?
Miette: Mrow.
Mirmadon: Heero. Translate.
Heero: 5.
Mirmadon: Great! That means you get 5 more spins of…. the…. WHEEL OF TORTURE!
Heero: *small smile*
It would take too long to go into detail about every single Relena torture, but I will list what the Wheel of Torture dealt her:
BONUS SPIN 1: Relena has to watch old World War 2 movies. It seriously tormented the pacifist in her.
BONUS SPIN 2: Relena has to hang out with Scuzzy the Clown for 5 hours. We discovered that she has clown-phobia. hehehe…
BONUS SPIN 3: Relena has to be the subject of knife throwing. Catherine got to do the honors. Unlike Trowa, Relena does not have nerves of steel. I didn't know that humans could scream like that…
BONUS SPIN 4: Relena has to baby-sit Chibi Duo… Chibi Duo on a sugar high! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Now that one's almost too cruel… almost.
BONUS SPIN 5: Relena has to touch and interact with absolutely no pink things for a week. She didn't deal with that very well.
Once we were done torturing her, Relena was rushed to a mental hospital. hehehe…
BACK ON THE SHOW
Mirmadon: Well, Heero, wasn't that fun?
Heero: *grin*
Mirmadon: That's all the time we have folks! We'll see you on the next episode (whenever that may be…)! Layla, run the disclaimer.
Layla: Mew meow mrow. Mew Meewo. Mw mew mrow…
Mirmadon: Heero, translate.
Heero: We own nothing. Except Heero. He's so sexy… *blink* WHAT?!
Mirmadon: *Deathglare @ Layla* Get it right this time.
Layla: *cabbit sigh* Mew meow mrow. Mew row Meewo. Mew mw mew mrow…
Mirmadon: Heero, translate.
Heero: We own nothing. Not even Heero. But he's still sexy… *rolls eyes*
Mirmadon: *waves* All right! Thanks for watching the show folks! Until next time… see ya!
Got any ideas for more torture? Email me at mirmadonna@hotmail.com