Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl, Foaly, Holly, Butler, or Harry Potter. Eoin Colfer owns the first four (unfortunately) and J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter. I do own this crappy plot and this computer.
A/N: This is the revised edition of my original fic, which had some grammar problems. I hope I got them all. If not, just tell me in your review.
Artemis Fowl:
The Afternoon of a thousand Big Macs
Scene 1
(Camera pans destroyed En Fin and zooms in on Artemis and Butler.)
Artemis: (with arms draped over Butler) No, Butler, no! Don't die on me!
(Camera zooms in on Butlers face)
Butler: (cracking one eye open) Too…late… (head flops back, tongue lolls out, and eyes close)
(Clip plays showing young Butler and present day Butler. Old timey music plays. Message pops up: in memory of Domovoi Butler ?-200?)
Scene 2
(Artemis is at Fowl Manor, flipping through the channels)
Artemis: Hm. There seems to be a slight shimmer in the corner
(Camera turns to corner at shimmer which is actually a piece of foil attached to pole by a string)
Artemis: Holly, it's not polite to shield in someone's house. For all I know you could have been watching me while I undressed. Not that I would have minded as long as you let me have a turn…(winks)
(Camera stops, Holly steps into position, and filming resumes)
Holly: (disgusted) Eww! No! Not at your scrawny little body! Now if it was what's-his-name from down the street….
Artemis: (shaking head) My, my Holly, how kinky. (doing the pointy finger thing Mr. Burns does) Now Captain, what did you want?
(Foaly pokes his torso out from a half door)
Artemis: (jumping up looking shocked and disgusted) Foaly! Not you too! That's just icky!
Foaly: Relax mud boy I've only been here for two hours.
Artemis: (sitting back down cautiously and clearing throat) Wellthen…what is it you wanted?
Foaly: We need you on a mission of vital importance. To pick up something. Something only a mud boy could get. Or maybe a mud girl, or a mud man, or a mud –
Artemis: (sighing impatiently) Good lord Foaly! Could you please speak in complete sentences!
Foaly: (sarcastically) Fine, oh mighty know-it-all mud boy!
Artemis: I am getting tired of being called mud boy.
Holly: What do you want him to call you, mud man?
Artemis: (nodding) Yes, I would appreciate that.
Holly: Foaly, just go ahead and tell him! This mud boy's giving me a migraine.
Foaly: (muttering under breath) Bitch… (raising voice) We need you… to pick us up some Big Macs! (clapping hands) Isn't that exciting!
(Artemis remains deceptively calm, though one of his eyes twitches occasionally. Foaly continues to prance around clapping and chanting "Big Macs, Big Macs. Yeah!")
Artemis: (rubbing his temples) You want me to pick you up some Big Macs?
Foaly: (stops prancing and chanting and looks worried) Well I …
Artemis: (jumps up) Okay!
Scene 3
(we are at McDonald's, camera focuses in on Artemis and cash register)
Harry Potter: May I take your order?
Artemis: You're working at McDonald's now?
Harry: Well after I defeated Voldemort, my life had no purpose. Do you ever have the feeling, that for some reason, you succeed in whatever you do, no matter the odds?
Artemis: (nodding) Yes, actually. Strange how that works, isn't it? I mean I managed to steal one metric ton of gold from technologically advanced fairies, I helped overthrow the goblin revolution, managed to steal back the C Cube, defeated a vengeful pixie, and helped move Hybras out of the time tunnel. You'd think I'd be dead by now.
Harry: Same here.
Artemis: It's like someone wrote out our entire lives…
Harry: Uh huh
(Harry and Artemis look upward)
Voice from around corner: Potter, are you discussing the mysteries of life with the customers again!
Harry: (stammering) N-no sir! (turning back to Artemis) Soo… May I take your order?
Artemis: Five thousand Big Macs.
Harry: (eyes wide) Five thousand!
Artemis: (raising an eyebrow) Need I repeat myself?
Harry: (yelling to the back) Five thousand Big Macs!
Voice from back: Five thousand!
Harry: Yup.
Voice from back: Tell that customer he's deranged.
Harry: (gasping) I can't do that! I'll get fired!
Several hours later
Harry: (turning back to the empty counter) Hello?
(Mad cackling heard from distance)
Artemis: Mwahaha! Its mine! All mine!
Harry: (turning to Artemis) What's yours?
Artemis: (clutching object to chest) Mayor McCheeseburger of course! I've been after him for years!
Harry: Err… where exactly did you get him?
Artemis: I stole him from the display case!
(Camera turns to display case, which has a gaping hole in it)
Harry: (turns back to empty doorway) …
(Artemis skips off into the sunset humming "Don't stop believing")
A/N: Please review! (makes puppy dog eyes) Please?
I was thinking of writing a sequel and was wondering if anyone had any ideas. Oh, and does anyone want to volunteer to be my Beta? My first one quit after I turned him down for a date. (I'm not cruel, he's just my best friend and I can't date my best friend.)
Review, Review, Review! Please!