N/A: Written for ohhockeydays. I'm sorry for the mistakes or the sudden OoC-ness, I tried but I don't know the characters so well. And their relationship doesn't exactly follow the book's but I don't think that's a problem. Thank you for reading. It means everything!
I got inspiration from the song I'll never be the same by Red. It's a wonderful song.
On and Off and On
A relationship is never safe
MikeJessica
Oneshot
-~#~-
The first day she treated the newcomer like you should treat a newcomer, with a smile, soft but genuine, dragging the leach around her neck to the spheres of friends she didn't know (yet) and Jessica knew for herself that she did Bella a favor doing this. It felt okay because she would get her reward later. Besides she saw that this girl had something that made the opposite sex look at her, follow her and want something she couldn't give them. Isabella – or Bella – Swan was an outsider and it was a rather smart move if you wanted attention, which Bella didn't and Jessica did. She wasn't interested in Bella's personality or anything that had to do with her: she only wanted someone that helped her to get tanned in the boys' gazes. Not that she would ever tell that to anybody.
Bella Swan was very pretty, of the silent and unvarnished kind, with eyes chocolate-brown and open, thick hair falling down her spine like a river, thin and delicate. She barely said anything outside the range of politeness and Jessica (naively) thought she could use that for her own selfish purpose: gaining Mike Newton's attention. It tasted bad on her tongue saying it, she never said she used people for reaching her own dreams, more like mediated to lower the scale she had to pass. Bella herself didn't mean anything; she wasn't Jessica's type, more like the silent dreamer that preferred to be alone. This was perfect, even more so because Bella didn't seem to like being in the spotlight and was most likely to put her tail between her legs and run away and leave Jessica with the treats. Even that rude Edward Cullen threw a look in her direction – not that he looked particularly pleased with what he saw – and gaining the attention of Cullen seemed harder than to win one million on horses. Not even Bella could escape Edward's extremely – the only good thing about him – pretty face and with red cheeks she asked Jessica about him which told her everything she wanted to know. If Bella drowned in Cullen's eyes Jessica was free to take Mike.
Jessica never meant to be mean but there was a difference in just being mean and being mean with a purpose and Bella wasn't someone she felt she should care about on an emotional level. The girl wasn't exactly sunshine herself and it wasn't fair that she got all the attention just because she was the new girl.
"What do you think of her?" one of her friends snarled in her ear as they walked to their class in algebra. She didn't respond, only tucked her notebook between her waist and arm; not that she didn't have an answer but her friends had nothing to do with that.
Maybe there was nothing wrong with Isabella "Bella" Swan but she would never be a real friend to Jessica.
-~#~-
The first week Jessica's opinion about Bella changed but not too much. Jessica did not appreciate Mike's sudden fondness about Bella and to her dismay his attraction only seemed to grow as Bella turned him down and tried to act after the social code. Jessica wondered if she was stupid because who in her right mind would turn the popular, handsome and funny Mike Newton down without a proper excuse? Well Bella would.
As the minutes passed in her class – she hated algebra – she scribbled in her notebook as she tried to move forward with her plan. Maybe she could use this to her advantage, unless his crush on Swan actually was bigger than the sudden interest and lack of conversations gave credit for. If it looked this way, which Jessica was pretty sure it did, he would soon forget her. After all who wanted a girl that spent her weekends with homework and never said yes to anything?
A bigger evidence to her theory though was Bella's fond interests of the Cullens. This was beneficial because no matter how antisocial they were to anybody but themselves no one could deny that if one of them showed interests to Bella this would higher her ranks in school. And if Jessica was "friends" with Bella then she could ride on the wave too. It almost sounded too good but she wasn't stupid, she knew the invisible ranks that surrounded school today; if you wanted to be someone you followed them.
She tucked a strand of hair around her ear, clipped with her eyes as she tried to hear what the teacher was mumbling about. But something that happened on her right side distracted her and she combed her hair over her right eye to be able to watch the occurrence without seeming like someone who put her nose where it didn't belong.
Mike was writing something on a piece of paper, while tongue touched dry lips like this was a Nobel Price Novel, folding it and passed it on to Bella who sat on his right side, with her brown hair like a curtain over her face. It felt like someone was shoving an iron through Jessica's stomach and jealousy burned inside her body like flames licking her skin. How dare he write notes to Bella Swan and not her? What did he see in her? She was a nobody, she was nothing, she was someone that didn't understand that there existed things you just didn't do.
She pressed the tip of the pensile hard to the paper, drilling a hole through it and then signed, tried to start from the beginning again. Okay, so Mike really was interested in Bella. Fine. It was not like this was over yet, anyway. Mike was hers, not Bella's. And somehow she was gonna make him realize what he tried to ignore. Bella was a girl that didn't know what she wanted. Jessica did. And that was why she was gonna win the race.
She had to.
-~#~-
The first month several things happened that slammed right in her face and made her realize that there were some things she couldn't change. That wasn't necessarily only a bad thing. But she couldn't push away the fact that he had asked her to the ball and not Jessica. The fact that Bella said no didn't change anything. Mike asked Bella Swan. It felt worse that she ever thought was possible. It clawed through her chest and made her want to throw the glass of water she held in the wall, watching the pieces fall down like rain.
Jessica didn't understand. What was so special about this Bella? Was it her face? Was it her attitude? Was there no explanation?
But one thing that she didn't want to realize was the fact that Bella was everything she wanted to be. She wanted to have attention, be in the centre, have boys that admired her and asked her to dates. But she hadn't. She had nothing. Bella had everything and she was so ungrateful. How could she be ungrateful? Jessica would do anything to be where Bella was now. Anything.
One good thing – if she had to be blunt about it – was that Bella was ridiculously in love with Edward Cullen. It was too obvious, like when you're watching an insect though the magnifying glass, and it seemed equal, like they had something, something no one else could touch. This meant that Mike had to consider if his longing for the girl was even worth it. Of course it wasn't but love has an ability to make you forgot the obvious and walk through the fire. It didn't really make her feel less furious but it made her see a path forward. She still acted like Bella's friend because if she ever was going to have any progress with Mike she had to do this through Bella.
"Hey, Bella, why do you turn everyone down?" she asked, tried to sound curious and not sneaky, placing the fork on the plate.
Bella blinked and wired one strand of hair around her slender finger, obviously woken from her daydreams. "What?"
Jessica rolled her eyes and pointed her fork at Bella. "Come on. The ball of course. What else is important now? What is it right now, three guys who have asked you and you said no to all of them?"
"Apparently I did. I'm not interested in balls."
That was a typical Bella-response. Jessica swallowed a snotty reply and scraped the teeth of the fork on the plate, rolling yellow peas to a little pile. "If Edward Cullen asked you would you say no?"
No answer, which told Jessica more than an actual answer would. She grinned but let that pass.
"Can you stop talking about the ball now?" Bella pleaded and Jessica turned to her again, noticing the soft apples on her cheeks and displeased grimace.
"Sure," she answered but didn't mean it. This was far from over.
"Jess, do you want to go with the ball with Mike?" A direct hit. Bella smashed the ball and Jessica couldn't return it. She didn't know Bella could bite, which was why she now was standing in such an embarrassing situation. She couldn't admit that she liked him. Still it made her stomach twist and sweat reek through the thin fabric of the pink shirt she wore.
"You can't ask such things," Jessica complained, making her friends laugh at her like this was some sort of comedy show. Bella only smiled and returned to her food.
Damn that Bella Swan.
Because of this she thought that she wouldn't like if Mike later asked her to the dance because Bella probably told him to do so. Jessica had a brain – at least when it came to relations and juicy gossips from magazines – and she knew that Bella probably had persuaded him into asking or something. But it never turned out like that anyway.
Mike asked her and she said yes. Mike asked her and she felt like a balloon ready to burst. She texted all her friends – even Bella – and told them to gather outside the school for some extremely-undeniable-worldwide-news.
She was going with him. Jessica was going with Mike. It was perfect. She loved it, she loved life, she loved everything. She shielded her eyes from the sun and grinned to her friends.
"Doesn't that mean we're together now?"
-~#~-
The first half year she started to realize what a fool she was. It hurt and it pained but the reality still followed her like a tail. Nothing disappeared and everything came back. Jessica buried her head in the pillow and shed her tears, slamming the pillow at the wall, falling down again.
Bella Swan ruined everything.
It started so well. Jessica and Mike went to the ball together – together – and she didn't think anything was wrong. He looked gorgeous in a suit and she knew she had found her Prince Charming in the lump of uninteresting teenagers. He had said she was beautiful in her dress and she laughed, felt like she had received a ticket to heaven. Mike said she was pretty. That had to mean something. It had to. He was pretty and she was pretty. He was there with her.
Naturally Bella was there too but she seemed too head over heels for Cullen for Mike's taste, so he didn't seem to pay much attention to her. Bella was prettier than ever but she was Edward's and God knew that the one Edward wanted he gained. So Jessica didn't have to think about her, only focus on the boy that was more to her than some handsome, popular star in high school. She talked to him, complimented him and asked him to dance. And he accepted everything. He even smiled. He knew Bella walked on forbidden ground. He had forgotten her. He wanted Jessica.
Or so she thought. She didn't know that the force called love wasn't something you just pushed away and it fell over the edge. It was there. It never left. It never stopped slapping your face.
He still wanted Bella. He was together with Jessica and treated her good, treated her fine but he still wanted Bella. He still wished that Bella would ditch Cullen and chose him. Jessica knew, Jessica saw, Jessica understood. And that made her bath in her own tears.
She broke up with him two month after the ball.
But she was the one that created a scene.
It was on one of their dates, while he was sitting in front of her in one of those light-blue shirts that matched his eyes so well, skipping pages in the menu. She knew that he would never admit that he still wanted Bella and they could continue to walk around each other in the ring forever if not one of them decided to punch. She did.
"Mike, there is something I need to talk about," she said and bit on her nail, heart beating and flesh rosy and hot. She didn't want to do this.
But she had to. This was a game. He was together with her because he couldn't get another. She couldn't accept it. She shouldn't accept it.
Still, accepting it was way easier than to walk away with head high.
"It's not common that you ask for permission before you say something," he smirked and it made her knot her fingers to fists under the white cloth.
Did he ever understand when it was forbidden to joke? Probably not.
"Mike," she snarled between her teeth and he stopped glaring at the menu, looking at her instead. He looked clueless.
He probably thought she would accept anything. Too bad she didn't.
"Do you still want Bella Swan?"
He blinked and leaned his head forward like he needed glasses. His reaction only made her angrier, the fact that he didn't understand anything at all. "I…I… No. Why do you think that?"
Go to hell, Mike Newton.
"Well, apparently because you still follow her like some sick puppy and look after her even though you know she's together with Cullen," she fumed so high she drew the attention towards her. She didn't care. He ran a hand through his hand, fingers drumming on the edge of the table, winning time.
"Don't you like Bella?" he asked and it was the last thing she though he would ask after her allegation. She wanted to splash her coke in his face, it burned in her head, she couldn't think, couldn't reason.
"What I think of Bella isn't something you should care about. I want to talk-"
"You want, Jess," he interrupted and lifted one eyebrow. "It always you, Jess. And you're exaggerating and-"
"I'm not," she blurted out with tears in her eyes, she didn't want to be wrong, she didn't want the train to go in this direction but it was too late. It was running over the cliffs and she couldn't stop it. "I'm not. But you like her. You like her. Admit that. Please just admit that."
He inched his cheek and looked at a painting representing a blue vase filled with apples. "Yes, I like her but that doesn't mean-"
"I knew it. You like her and not me."
"I never said that."
"But I see that you like her. Fine Mike, have it your way, I'm breaking up with you."
He said nothing. Like it didn't even matter to him. It made the tears bled from her eyes like volcanoes and she ran out from the restaurant, leaving him there to explain the embarrassing situation to the waiter.
Why didn't he cry? Didn't he care?
She did.
She hurried to her bed without explaining to her parents what had happened – they could guess that though – and threw herself in the bed, wetting the pillow and cry out her agony. Regret knocked on the door and she let it in, drowned in it. Why did she do that? She wanted him, she needed him. Why did she break up with him? Why did she care about Bella? She didn't mean anything.
The eternal question: why. The answer was easy: because the world looked that way. You couldn't have anything. You could have nearly nothing.
She called one of her best friends and talked with her in three hours but it still didn't mend the wound that was echoed in her heart, like a scar, never vanishing, always coming back.
She looked at her phone. She had one text message from Mike. She smiled and the thick fog hovering over her vanished a little. One click. Open.
Can we still be friends? /M
She cried even more.
Friends.
-~#~-
The first year started good and ended like the worn-out love story Mike and Jessica's relationship was. She avoided him for a month before it started killing her and she called him, begging for forgiveness. Like the gentleman he was he accepted, asking her out for lunch. It was summer and they were free – if you didn't count his job on the Newton's – and she said yes, like the giggling teenager she became when he was in the picture.
The summer seemed to have changed him into someone that was better for her. Since he didn't have time to see Bella during the vacation – she didn't work there anymore, she was with Edward – he (she thought) learned to live his life without her. He cared more about Jessica's needs and she cared more about his, covering her ability to shove him away and only talk about herself and in the middle of July they got together again. And this time it really was different. He seemed to build the bricks higher this time, wanting to get the relationship where it had no chance before. He kissed her and sent her to dreamland, took her out to places she never had seen before, presented her to his parents, everything. It was the best holiday in her life and she almost forgot to keep contact with her friends, which before was a big nono.
But school came back and so did Bella Swan. First it didn't do anything, he still was his and one day when they sat together for lunch he had her arm over the back of her chair, fulfilled the fact that she was his. She was in heaven.
However, as you all know, the real world doesn't look like this, where problems and complications don't exist. It didn't for Jessica either.
Or Bella.
The week after Bella's birthday the girl looked like she had faced death. Her hair was messy and her eyes emotionless, like stones. Cullen wasn't there. This made Jessica put together two and two and understand that Edward had ditched her. Of course Jessica still had a heart and felt for Bella but there was another reason why their breakup also nudged on Jessica and Mike's relationship.
Mike cared about Bella. He wanted her to feel better. Maybe when Edward was eliminated from the battlefield she would chose him instead.
The last sentence changed everything back to before the vacation. She was jealous, she was angry, she wanted to hurt something. She didn't want to comfort Bella anymore, she wanted to tell her to stop acting like she was the unluckiest girl in the world, like everyone should pity her, why couldn't she move on like everyone else?
She said that to Mike once, though texted with less emotions and more knowledge and he didn't agree with her. She should have seen that coming but she didn't. And once again their relation where put on the sea, back and forth, soon overdriven by the waves.
"I don't mean that it's easy to be in Bella's situation but still, you can't help her right when she doesn't want help? And if she doesn't want to talk to you then it's not your job to try, because she won't listen to you." She stood in his room with her arms crossed over her chest, headache punching in her head, watching him scribble something in his notebook. He didn't look up to face her, he was used to this conversation by now and had no new replies to give her.
"Someone has to tell her that Edward is a jerk," he mumbled and continued to scribble on the paper, creating flowers and circles just to win time.
"You don't even know what happened between them," she objected and noticed that her voice became high-pitched again, restless, irritated.
"They left. You heard the rumors. And Bella doesn't know why. It's not easy moving on from that."
She bit her lip hard, almost felt blood and watched as he continued to win time with his damn notebook and damn pensile and damn everything. With her cheek flustered she walked forward and slammed her fist in the table, forcing him to look at her. This was an absolute repeat of last time and it made her heart fell down to her gut. "Why can't you just leave her alone? She doesn't want your help anyway."
"Don't you like Bella?" He smoothly avoided her question with a new one and she clenched her fingers, understanding exactly where he wanted this to lead.
And she couldn't stop him.
"She's okay. I mean I think she's too antisocial for me and-"
"She's not like you and that's a problem?"
She spun around, refusing to meet his eyes. Why couldn't this just work? What was wrong with him? What was wrong with her?
"Jess, you're too jealous. You have to understand what Bella is going through too."
Stupid, imbecile idiot. That wasn't even the point. The point was that if Bella showed him attention he would ditch Jessica like you ditched trash on a garbage dump. But she could never say that to him without sounding like a heart-less jealous teenage-girl.
"You can't care about anything," she mumbled and he raised his eyebrow at this, like this was too intelligent for coming from her. She wanted to slap him in the face. How came a boy could cause this emotional storm inside her? She barely knew what she wanted anymore.
"I don't."
Silence. She tied her hair, gnawing on it, wanted to be somewhere else, where this didn't exist. It killed her.
"Jess, listen, are we gonna break up again?"
Her heart died, her knees wobbles, her tears burned. Again. This could never work. This could never ever work. It was a fairy-tale that didn't exist. "No," she pleaded and grabbed his shirt, pulling him up to face him, shaking, trembling.
"Then you have to stop being so selfish," he retorted and she froze, flinched. He was a man now. He had changed. She hadn't. That destroyed everything. "You have been out with boys. Why do you have rights to do that when I can't care about Bella?"
That wasn't the same and he knew that, however there was no chance she could reply to his comment without sounding jealous or childish.
Should love be this way? Filled with disappointments and grief and nowhere to go? There was no solution, no goal, only endless walking to the place that she could never find.
Mike swallowed and grabbed her wrists, pulling them away from him. "I don't want this Jess. I want the original. Where can I find her?"
Tears poured out from her eyes like water from a crane.
He was a man now. She was still a girl.
She placed the dilemma on the table and he grabbed it, created something else and gave it back with her anger pointed to herself instead of him.
This was not a game anymore. This was them. And maybe it couldn't work.
-~#~-
The first two years they broke up and got together and broke up again. It muted her feelings and made her feel like a worn-out towel, she simply didn't care anymore. Words were just words and it seemed to have lost their meanings. They said I love you and it was just as empty and transparent as water. She learned to move on and she learned to forget. But somehow she refused to go on without him. She was empty but she wanted him to fill her. No one else.
She understood that it hadn't to do with Bella Swan, it was about her, it was about them. Maybe they weren't meant to be.
The Cullens came back and Bella was happy. She trusted Edward despite what he had done. It was genuine and it was perfect. Jessica envied them. She realized that she didn't want to be Bella, she wanted the relation she had with Edward.
But she and Mike was a couple that tripped on burning coal, in different directions, she liked him but it wasn't perfect. She forgot how it felt to be happy with him.
She never talked with her friends about this. Not that she didn't want to but there was nothing to say. It wasn't about Bella. She couldn't blame Bella. She couldn't blame no one but herself.
And it made her bleed out her pain.
But time passed and it melted out and soon it became solid and indestructible. It was there but she chose to not care. In some way she did but it didn't feel like before. She was no Bella Swan. She didn't want to wait. She wanted now.
She wanted something that maybe didn't exist.
-~#~-
"Bella is married," Mike told her and Jessica tried to found some envy or sadness or anything in his voice but it was not there. She tiled her head, pondering what he wanted to say with this. Probably nothing.
He skipped page in the magazine and then stopped, blinking.
"You still like her?" she asked, still not without the surly tone in her voice. She would never like Bella. Some things just were.
"You still need to ask that," he replied as surly and looked at her. She inhaled and remembered still how important he was to her. He meant so much. It never grew old, it was still there.
"I don't care."
He smiled a crocked smile, flicking with his fringe. "You do."
"Why do you need to tease me like this?" she snarled but not angrily, she was only tired. Tired of this. Tired of pretending.
"I just…" He breathed in and then let it out. "I just want this to work."
It was the first time he had said that. Too bad it didn't change anything. It was just words. She wanted it to work too. But maybe they just were too different.
"Me too," she whispered and placed her chin on his shoulder and listened to the sound of his grandfather's clock.
-~#~-
The first ten years passed and they still had contact.
It wasn't a flawless relationship. It would never be. But it was something. It was them. She had no hopes, no wishes for the future. It didn't help to dream. Not too many times.
It was only them. She would only wait and see where it lead.
She would only wait.
It was only them.
-~#~-
fin