Hi I'm Lauren and my life is not normal well what I mean is, it kind of went pear-shaped when I was thirteen. What I've been though in the last two nearly three years, I wouldn't wish upon anyone not even my worse enemy...
You hear on the news about the celebrity's lives, what's going wrong, who's getting married. To be quite honest do we really care what's going on in their lives? Some people have so much going on in their lives they don't have time to care about anyone but themselves. Then there are people that have so much going on in their life that they don't care about themselves; well I'm one of those people. There's so much that has happened to me that I figure, no one cares about me so, why should I? Are you interested? Most people don't understand, why I am the way the way I am. In fact, until a couple of months ago, no one knew why, then it changed I supposed, I changed. I guess I was fed up with my life the way it was, maybe I wanted my life back, but deep down Inside I knew that I would never get my life back. I knew that I would only make it worse but anyway I spilt the beans. Well I'll start from the beginning cos the beginning is the best place to start. Its still hard to talk about but I have to face what happened, sooner or later and I think the best time to do it is now!
Spring 2003 My best mate (Samantha) convinced me to join sea scouts where she went every Friday from 7 till 9. I thought it was a bit boyish, but I said I'd give it ago to see what it was like. I enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it. So I went back and eventually got invested. There was this guy that went, he was proper lush, I mean he had a really nice personality and was really good looking. He was older than me and I knew I never had a chance of going out with him but if I saw him every week then that was fine with me. Tobias was only 1 year older than me, but I knew he was way out of my league. He was heaven, just like an angel. I fell in love with him more and more as I got to know him, it was like I was in a hole and I was still digging down making it deeper and deeper. I kept telling myself that I should climb out of the hole, and get on with the rest of my life, but it didn't work.
We got quite close when we went to cobnor, (a scout sailing camp). We were there for a weekend. It was the first time I'd ever been sailing, so I didn't have a wetsuit. On the first day I nearly got hypothermia and was brought back earlier, being told to have a warm shower and snuggle up in my sleeping bag in front of the television, while everybody else carried on sailing. When everyone else got back, they all went for showers and then Tobias came to see how I was, which was really sweet cos all the other boys were messing round and having fun. He was asking me if I was ok and did I want anything cos if I did he'd get it for me and stuff like that. Later on I was really down, I was trying to keep it together and everyone thought I was fine but Tobias could tell I wasn't. Although I had been living in Bognor Regis for two and a half years at that stage I was still missing my family and friends who live in Derbyshire (where I was born). He sat me down and talked about it with me, no other guy would do that. It occurred to me then that Tobias wasn't just another guy. He was special, sensitive I suppose! He was great and he made me feel great too.
When it came around to summer camp Tobias was on holiday in Spain, I think, so I didn't see him that summer, but I met some people from around the country. Meanwhile Sam had left scouts but I was enjoying it, so I stayed but told myself that I'd quit when Tobias left. I was the only girl Scout apart from Emily who was in Tobias' year at school.
Autumn 2003 October 3-5 Every year royal navy recognised sea scouts from around the country to have the chance to go to HMS Bristol (a decommissioned warship), which is stationed at the navel base in Portsmouth, for a football competition. A team of seven from my scout group went. Tobias and I were apart of that team.
We lost but I didn't care. Tobias and I got closer. We flirted madly and messed around, everyone there, even the other guys from our scouts thought we were an item, but we weren't. We were just two really close mates having a laugh. I never wanted it to end. I wanted us to be more than just mates but wasn't sure if he did. On the way back I fell asleep on him. Emily could tell I fancied him so when we got back she asked me if I wanted her to ask him out for me and I did! She went over and asked him, he said he'd tell me Friday. That's unfair it was Sunday and that would mean that I would have to wait all week for an answer. NOT FAIR! Anyway the next day Ben, my best guy mate, who I walked home with, said that he would come with me to Tobias' house, which was on the way home to see what he'd say cos all day I'd been going on about Tobias, and Ben was getting bored so for his and everyone else's sake we wanted to know the answer. He knew full well I wouldn't go on my own. He said yes! Oh my god! I was going out with the hottest guy in the whole world! I never thought he'd even look at me. WOW! That filled me with confidence; it made me believe in myself for the first time EVER! My mates defiantly noticed a difference, everyone did. Suddenly I was one of those fun loving, cool as a cucumber girls you know. I was so laid back, I was virtually horizontal.
I'd never been like that before.
I didn't care what anyone said anymore. I had Tobias and he liked me, I must be gorgeous and have a great figure and you know what guys are like.
At October half term we were still together. I went on holiday to Mauritius and brought a t-shirt back for Tobias. Trying to hide from my parents that I had a boyfriend was hard, but I did it. Parents are so nosey when your thirteen and they don't change either. Well, we rambled along like you do. Some weeks, Tobias would talk to me, some weeks he wouldn't. I just put that down to him having a bad week at school, but deep down inside I blamed myself. Back at school after those weeks, I was really ratty and agitated. People always knew to stay away from me when I was like that. Christmas came and when I got him a card and a present he got me nothing. Tobias started wanting to do stuff. I didn't! He knew I didn't so left it but kept dropping hints so as you can tell he was very subtle. NOT!
Which as it would with every girl it made me uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.
Valentines day 2004 Some of the lads were clearing out one of the attics in the hut. Yes boys cleaning, I had to see that. Tobias was there and his next door neighbour Chris R who was also a scout, was there and me. I'd got Tobias a valentine's card and pressie but he didn't get me anything. He said that he'd give me my present later. He had great big smug smile. I had a bad feeling that I knew what he meant. He meant it was sexual. He said I'd get my present at 11. I was dreading it! When 11 o'clock arrived I was down stairs and he was in the attic, which had an opening to pass bigger things down. He tapped his wrist as if to say 'its time for your present' he jumped out the hatch. I ran! I pushed open the fire escape and kept running. He came after me, he thought I was messing so I played along, squealing and laughing. I ran round the memorial hall, which was next to the hut. I was dreading it hoping I was wrong, that he had actually got me a present. I wanted him to like me and I was willing to do anything for that but, if he knew what was right which I'm sure he did, He wouldn't do anything I didn't want him to. Would he? What I thought wasn't going to stop him though, if that's what he really wanted, I suppose it would have to be ok with me. I didn't want to lose him. I needed him although I wouldn't admit it. I was madly in love with him. I couldn't stop thinking about him, when he wasn't around, but when he was, I had butterflies flying around in my stomach, you know that weird sensation you get. He caught me up. He grabbed me and pulled me close towards him and dragged me back in the hut. He was gentle although he was a being rough as well, but he could have been worse! We went in to the boat alley at the side of the hut, (you have to got though the hut to get to the alley) I was really scared now! I didn't know what to do. He was undoing my trousers. I was shaking. He asked me if I was ok. I was just cold or so I said. He was going further and further I could have screamed abuse at him but I didn't. I really didn't want to lose him. Why is he doing this? Loads of question like this, were running around my head. Didn't he love me? When he had finished what he was doing I was happy that it had stopped. I wanted to run away and sit somewhere quiet where I could cry all I liked and no one would know. He'd sexually abused me. I kept telling myself that, that's what I wanted but it wasn't.
Two weeks later on the 29th of February. We were on a hike practising, for the overland (a hiking competition for all scouts around the country to walk 25 miles in a weekend over the Southdown's) Tobias dumped me. He didn't even do it himself. He got Chris S to do it for him. How immature? That night I cried myself to sleep. I missed him. It's as though he'd got what he wanted and now he didn't care. We did more hikes over the next three weeks. The weekend (starting Friday 19th march) before the overland we practised a night hike and camping out, which we did at the spur a scout camping site in slindon. We had the scout show the next day, which I was really looking forward to. Camping out that night was Tobias, David, Matt, Peter (who was the explorer leader) and myself. Of course I had my own tent and I had the bigger one of the two so I had to have all the bags in with me. After a while David, Matt and Peter went to the wellie sucker while Tobias and I talked. I quizzed him on why he dumped me. He muttered something stupid about regretting it cos afterwards he realised how pretty I was. Yeah right I thought to myself. When I mentioned that to him he laughed saying I was being modest, that I was gorgeous, and that he was being stupid when he dumped me. I still disagreed! We argued jokingly about that for a while. I was still a bit wary of him being to close to me, but I did trust him. I went and sat in the front of my tent. Tobias came to join me. I stared up at the stars trying not to be scared of him, not really knowing what to say.
We sat there in silence until the others got back.
It was getting late so the boys went to bed. I was still staring at the stars! Tobias said he still needed to talk to me and he'd come to see me when Peter had turned his light off. I was starting to get scared, but I trusted him, I did! I could also tell myself that until I went blue in the face. It didn't mean I believed it!
It was now about midnight and all I could hear was the animals and the odd squeal coming from the boys' tent, which I chose to ignore. Peter eventually turned his light out; Tobias came over into my tent. I was feeling more uncomfortable every minute. He came to sit next to me. We chatted about stuff, nothing serious really which scared me even more. Why did he say he needed to talk to me if he didn't, unless he was trying to find the right moment? He moved closer towards me. I froze. It felt like I physically couldn't move. Before I knew what was going on, he was kissing me. Still kissing me, he pushed me backwards so I was laying down. Him kissing me was so nice but wrong! I had moved on, I had a boyfriend. We'd been talking about him earlier, so it wasn't as if he didn't know. He was still kissing me but I could hear him undoing his belt on his trousers. I couldn't move he was leaning over me, I knew I wasn't strong enough to get him off me. He went further. I wanted him to stop but I was scared of him hurting me more. Physically, as well as sexually. I tried to move but it was impossible. All I could do was close my eyes and pretend I was somewhere else, but that didn't work either cos he was still kissing me. It felt like I was dying inside. I knew what he was like cos he'd done this to me before but this time he was going further. I was thirteen and a half. When he'd finished he just left, he didn't say anything, he just left. If he cared, if he really cared at all, why was he doing this to me? Why?
I got dressed into my pyjamas and tried to go to sleep but I couldn't. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was him, on top of me. I just wanted to go home. I felt so dirty. I felt sick. I just sat there crying. He'd raped me. I couldn't say anything could I? If I did I knew I would definitely lose him for good! What he did to me was wrong and I'm sure he knew that. He might have thought that's what I wanted but it wasn't. I think deep down inside he knew that I didn't want that to happen.
The next day I acted normal. How could I not? We had the show and we were both in it. Peter took us all home. On the way back he told us that Christine (the scout leader) had rung him and said that she would like us down the memorial hall at half past nine it was nine when I got home. I let myself in cos my parents were still in bed. I went into my room dumped my stuff and got changed. I was on my way out when my dad came down stairs. He asked where I was going and I told him. My mum joined us. My parents weren't very happy; they said that I was always the one that was always there, and that I shouldn't be. I went anyway. I was doing the lights, and sorting out where everyone would stand whilst they were on stage. Tobias, Chris R and Chris S arrived. I was scared, but I had to act normal. I was dreading going back to school on Monday. I was dreading today. The whole day I was acting, pretending that it never happened. I was trying so hard to convince myself that it didn't happen. Tobias was fine; he just acted as though nothing had happened. Why? How could he? We laughed, joked and messed around. Just like normal. I wanted to talk to him alone, but I couldn't face being alone, again with him, not after what had happened the night before. Whenever I was alone with him I walked away and found somewhere, where there was someone else. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to understand why? He had done what he'd done. I hated myself for what happened, I blamed myself. I thought I must have done something wrong for him to do that to me. I couldn't work out what though. The overland went ok although we didn't finish it, but we did our best.
That month I skipped my period.
A couple of weeks later I'd had enough. I took thirty-two ibuprofen. One of my mates went and told the school nurse what I had done. She rang for an ambulance. I was taken to hospital. Asked loads of question then taken up to the children's ward were I was kept for a week cos I didn't want to see my parents. My period started in hospital. When I went back to school people kept asking why I'd done it and things like that. I couldn't tell them. I didn't even tell the councillor at the hospital. How could I? I'd told no one! Not even Sam!
All my mates knew was what had happened on Valentines Day but I made them think that's its what I wanted to happen.
I couldn't tell them the truth; I was so close to believed that, that was the truth. Sam knew him. She was the one who introduced me to him. I didn't hate her for this, although she didn't know, I needed her at the moment more than anything. I was glad I wasn't dead, but I was finding it so hard to cope with. I still went to scouts but I hated it. I still liked him. God only knows why? But I did. I still hated myself for what had happened. It was driving me insane! When I went back to scouts, we were going out for activity somewhere. Tobias came down needing something out of the hut so Christine gave me the keys and told me to help him. So I did. Tobias asked me how I was? He knew I'd been in hospital. We found the bag of rope he was looking for. As I climbed down the ladder he grabbed my hand. It made me jump.
'Hey' he said 'don't ever do that again ok'
'Why?' I snapped back ' Because, you scared me. Look I promise I'll always be there for you I swear that Lauren. I'll always be here.' he let go of my hand.
I carried on down the ladder and waited for him to come out so I could lock up.
'Remember that' he muttered as he wandered past me. He'd changed. He must have. I had told Sam that I had slept with Tobias. She was shocked, we were year eight. It was illegal! The next week while I was at scouts. He was outside on his bike practising jumps and stuff. I sneaked out to see him. We chatted for a bit. I mentioned about wanting a boyfriend, and that no one was interested in me. He muttered something about he wouldn't mind and that he was interested. So I made sure he really wanted to go out with me. We were back together. I couldn't stop smiling. I gave him a hug and said I had to get back in, cos they'd be missing me. I had his number so I'd text him every now and again. He would never text back. He had a nice new nokia that could do loads of weird and wonderful things, where as I had a brick phone that did hardly anything. Eventually after a week, I got bored. I said that if he didn't text back then I'd assume that he didn't want to go out with me anymore. He didn't text back. The next day I asked him if he'd sort out the brakes on my bike. Whilst he did that I enquired why he did text back. He told me its cos he didn't want to. That was exactly what I didn't want to hear. The next day I went out before my parents got up. I was meeting up with Tobias, Chris R and Chris S. I was going out with Chris S. We were going to the airstrip near the railway track. Just to mess around. I went to Sam's to see how she was. The boys met me there. I was still wary about Tobias but I wasn't alone with him, so I knew he wouldn't hurt me. We had a great day messing around. Just like old times. We went back to Chris R's and Tobias'. We messed around in their cul-de-sac for a couple of hours. My Chris had to go home and the other Chris had to go in. So it was just me and Tobias. We went for a walk along the seafront. I decided to bite the bullet and ask him why he didn't want to go out with me. When he said I couldn't believe it. He told me that he didn't have any credit and that he did want to text back. How could he lie to my face? He only told yesterday, that he didn't want to go out with me. I didn't say anything about it. He said that it wouldn't last between me and Chris because he had never done anything with a girl and I told him it would last cos that's what I wanted. He asked me to follow him. I did! I trusted him. He took me to the scout hut. Behind the hut was a gap where there was a door, which went into the boat alley. He pulled me round the back where no one could see us. I was scared. He wouldn't would he? He did! He did the same as he did Valentines Day. I was going out with his best friend. How could he? He would have gone further but I mentioned something about, if he got me pregnant would he stick around, if I kept it. He said he would but it was obvious he wouldn't. I think I freaked him out. I knew what would get him now. What annoyed him? I ran away that night. Was taken home by the police at like two the next morning. Chris and I spilt up shortly after this. Sam enquired if I was pregnant. I saw my chance to get him back. I said no but that I had been before I took the overdose. I don't know if I was but I wanted Tobias to hate me and never come near me again, so I pretended I had been. He was furious. That summer there was a west Sussex camp a lot of scouts from the Bognor district went including Tobias, Chris S and myself. Tobias and I fell out on the first day there but we weren't talking before hand either. Which was good for me cos I didn't cling to him all week. I went my own way and made my own mates. Tobias and Chris S found themselves some American girlfriends. It didn't bother me. Honestly. It just hurt that's all.
Summer was nearly over. Well it was nearly autumn. Tobias' birthday was September the 7th and although we weren't getting along for obvious reasons. I still sent him a card. The next day I was out with my mate Amy. We had gone swimming in the sea. When I came down the slope near my house. Guess how was there? Yep Chris R and Tobias were stood there. Oh damn. I'd had my long blonde hair cut short and Tobias hadn't seen it cos he didn't go to the same school as me. They saw me. 'What the hell are you doing here?' I said moodily. 'I'm doing my paper round and I came to see your new hair cut. It looks cool. Thanks for my birthday card. Do you want to mess around for a bit? ' He answered. 'That's ok yeah I'd love to. I have to get changed first and ask me parents if I can' I muttered wandering towards my house. My parents weren't in. I went in, got changed, and then wrote my parents a note so they knew where I was. Then I went out to meet Chris R and Tobias who were standing outside like lemons. We went to King Georges field, then went to the recycling bins in st Mary's church car park. Where I sat on the top of the bin. Tobias and Chris R got rid of the papers, which they couldn't be bothered to deliver. It was only a free paper but I still thought that they should deliver them even though this way they were getting paid for delivering to people that knew there parents, and me cos they wanted to see me. On the way back to mine Tobias told Chris R that they would have a race and that he (Chris R) got a head start because Tobias was extremely quick. I couldn't join in. I was on my micro scooter. So Chris R rode off but Tobias didn't seem to be bothered. 'Go on then or you will never catch him up will you!' I giggled.
'I wanted to get rid of him so I could talk to you. I wanted to talk to you alone' he replied.
'What did you want to say then? Cos he will come back in a minute if you don't chase him. You know he's probably given up already and is just sitting waiting for us to catch him up' I was getting nervous but I wasn't going to show it. I couldn't let him know that.
Chris R was all right but he clung to Tobias like he was his mother. He had no confidence and very low self-esteem. He was a bit like I was or the way I was going. Tobias started 'well I was just wondering if maybe oh no it doesn't matter'
I hated it when people did this ' what Tobias spit it out would you'
'Well I was just wondering if ... no honestly it ... doesn't matter, you won't want to its ok.' He was starting to annoy me.
'Tobias you will never know if you don't ask. So ask me, tell me, whatever.' I snapped.
'Sorry ... um ... would you like to go out with me.' He muttered.
'Yeah I will of course I will' I smiled. God only knew why but he made me happy.
I was so happy. He liked me. I didn't think he liked me. Not after what he'd done to me but I was wrong. They walked me back to my house, and I said I'd go and see Tobias the next day after school. I went to school with Chris R but he was in the year above me like Tobias was. The next day at before school when I met Sam she asked me how I was and asked me why I was smiling so much, then she told me not to tell her. 'Tobias' she said I smiled madly at her. 'Please tell me your not going out with him again Lauren. He's no good for you' 'I like him Sam, I mean really like him. Yeah Sam I am going out with him but this time he asked me out. Sam please. I'm really happy!' I pleaded with her to be happy for me. I knew he wasn't good for me, but I liked him, so giving in is bad but it's not all the time I give in, well it was all the time when it came to Tobias. Everyone noticed a difference in me again. I was the cheery me again but I always was when we got along. I walked home with Chris R that day cos he lives next door to Tobias. Tobias had just got home so he went and dumped his bag off and he got changed. He got his bike out and came out. He was flirting madly with me. You could tell Chris R was uncomfortable there cos it was just the three of us. So I was trying to let Tobias know but he didn't seem to care. The thing with Tobias is he gets bored easily and when he has a playmate he isn't interested in people who he has been mates with for a long time. He was quite heartless actually. It was my birthday exactly a week after his. I wasn't expecting anything but a card might have been nice but hey this WAS Tobias we were talking about. We lasted about three weeks. I can't remember how or why he dumped me but yeah he dumped me again.
So the ratio for who asked who out was I asked him : he asked me 2 : 1 And the ratio for who dumped who was stood at I dumped him : he dumped me 0 : 3 Why? What was I doing wrong? Only Tobias could answer that?
Meanwhile I kept running away trying to relieve some of the pressure inside of me, but no one understood why?
One day I was texting Chris R and we were talking about Tobias. We had been to cobnor again a couple of weeks before while I was still going out with Tobias. I asked him why Tobias didn't like me and he said because I was attention seeking. I wasn't and Tobias had even said he'd never say that about anyone especially me so I told Chris R that. 'I never said that you're such a liar oh and by the way you have been talking to me all the time' so we rowed for ages and he threatened to kill me as he did when I spread that he had got me pregnant. I was scared but I told him to go ahead and do it, cos I wasn't bothered. I was but couldn't careless what happened to me at that point in time. Tobias wasn't the sort of guy you wanted to mess with but I really didn't care. He had threatened me before but never did anything about it. L1
Well he moved on and so did I we both went our separate ways. He had already moved up to explorers, I was meant to be moving up after Christmas but I tried to stay at scouts as long as possible. I wanted to move up but he was there and it was still awkward between us. I didn't want to go somewhere where I wasn't welcome. I didn't see him every week and I wanted to badly. It was like I was addicted to him I couldn't cope without him. I wanted to but it was so hard to do so. We were friends and then we weren't but although I knew what he was like. He still intrigued me. There was so much still to learn about him but still I knew he was way out of my league and deserved better than me. Mind you everyone deserved better than or so I thought! No one had ever told me any different, well that's not entirely true. Tobias did once but the way he acted and some of the other thing he said made me think he as just saying that. Which Is out of order! Isn't it?
We carried on falling out and making friends, mainly falling out until April 2005. When one day at school Sam was arguing with Tom (a guy from primary school) and I told them both to shut up.
'Oh go top yourself' tom blurted.
That upset me I walked out of the classroom and out of school. Sam was following me trying to get me to go back in, I was having none of it. I was very stubborn. The only person that might be just a bit more stubborn than me was Tobias. I walked to the airstrip where I said I'd wait for Sam after school. I told her to ring Tobias cos I needed to see him. He would calm me down, I knew he was at school now but I longed to see him we hadn't been talking for about six months, or should I say he hadn't been talking to me for six months. I walked back to school after the bell had gone, I went to see my head of year to explain. She just had a go at me and told me I should deal normally when someone tells me to kill myself.
So I just walked off and went back to the airstrip. Sam Jess and Leila were looking for me they were on the phone to Tobias, who wasn't sure if he could come then I took the phone.
'If you cared about me then you would come and see me' I muttered down the phone.
'I do care Lauren, that's not fair I didn't say I wasn't coming ill be there ok ill come to see you. Meet me at half four ok got to go bye' he put the phone down. The girls had to go but Andy (a guy in some of my lessons) stayed. I told Andy he go but insisted on staying until Tobias arrived which was sweet. Tobias seemed a bit annoyed with me but he still smiled at me.
'How are you?' he muttered.
'Ok look I'm sorry about what I said earlier I know you care I'm really sorry I didn't mean it I was just upset that's all' I bumbled.
'Hey its ok what happened anyway' he said hugging me.
'Well Sam and Tom were arguing and I told them both to shut up and Tom told me to go top myself. I wouldn't well not cos of him anyway but I really want to at the moment, then my head of year said I should just take it and you have hated me for six months' I sniffed I wasn't crying but I was close to tears. 'I didn't hate you Lauren I've just been busy. Yeah you should have ignored him but I know how hard it is to do that! Oh I've missed you! What have you been up to? Are you going to move up to explorers?' he said.
'Oh ok I've missed you too. I've not been up to much and yeah I am going to move up to explorers its just I didn't wanna go where I'm not wanted and If you didn't like me then that's where I would be, somewhere where I wasn't really welcome wouldn't it.' I stuttered.
'Oh Lauren your so daft you big softy' he sighed.
We were sat on the field. He was pulling up grass and throwing it at me. I tried stopping him but it didn't work. I started throwing grass back. I sat on my knees and threw some grass, I accidentally fell forwards pushing him backwards so I was leaning over him like he had done over a year ago on the practise for the overland. He muttered something like 'oh this is like the good old times'
'Sorry I didn't mean to' I said rolling round to lay on the grass of my back.
' I don't mind its nice' when he said that I blushed. ' Look will you go out with me? We are good together please I'll look after you ok' I didn't know what do say 'do you mean it really?' I smiled madly.
'Yeah I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it would I' he kissed me.
'Ok then yeah I'll go out with you' I was flustered.
He pulled me close to him. He was sat cross-legged and pulled my legs so they were around his waist. I put my arms around his neck. I felt safe we were in a wide-open space he wouldn't do anything would he?
Well he tried but he freezing cold hands, so I wouldn't let him. I wouldn't have let him anyway. We sat talking there for a while he really cared about me. His phone went off it was Sam asking if he was with me, he told her he was and then put the phone down. He looked at his watch. He had to go. His little brother Gabriel had beavers (youngest scouts) and he was taking him. We started walking back towards our houses. He asked me to promise that I would go home even if it was just for him. I said I would just for him though. He kissed me saying sorry he had to go and that he'd text me. He rode off, I kept my eyes on him for as long as I could. We were even on asking each other out I had asked him out twice and now he had asked me twice as well. I was so happy. I kept licking my lips, thinking of him kissing me over and over again. I went home my parents understood, well actually they thought I had stayed at the library after school to do homework, but I explained and they were grateful I had come home and explained to them what had gone on. I wasn't really listening I was still thinking about Tobias but I always did. As you can probably tell, the girls weren't very happy when I told them I was going out with him again. I knew he was no good for me but I wanted him, I guess in a way I needed him. He must have needed me too. I mean he had hated me, but he was still willing to do the decent thing and come and help me when I needed him the most. Most guys wouldn't would they?
I wanted him to need me so that I could feel loved. I mean other people, like family and stuff, loved me but I'd never felt like it all the time. Sometimes it felt like they only loved me cos I was family or whatever. I wanted to be unconditionally loved. We were ok for two weeks, I was still at scouts but I left after that. I wasn't invested at explorers but I went anyway. One week Chris S wasn't there, Tobias was flirtier than normal he backhanded my bum it really hurt him, and me but it serves him right for slapping me in the first place. I couldn't stop smiling at him and he couldn't stop smiling at me. Chris R noticed and so did peter. At the end of the night Tobias didn't have to go far we were at peters house (peter was Chris R's dad and of course Tobias lived next to them.
The next week everyone was there. Peter, Chris R, Chris S, Matt, Tobias, David and me. That night we were cooking at the spur, but when I got there Chris S came up to me and said ' You do know that you're not going out with Tobias don't you he's going out with Alice' harsh or what. 'Yeah I know' I muttered moodily. I had been hearing that all week at school from Alice's best friend Melissa. The reason it bugged me the most this time I was told it is because I had asked Tobias just a few hours before if it was true and he said that they were just mates and that people had just got the wrong idea about them. I believed him but only a bit. I guessed that he had probably two timed me, every, single time he'd been out with me but as long as he was still coming back to me then that meant a lot to me. He dumped me that night by text saying that he was going out with Alice and that he preferred her to me. I acted cool and asked him if we could still be friends. He said no cos I'd caused so much trouble for him and Alice. I didn't know what I had done wrong but he hated me again. What's the surprise? I was invested into explorers on the 17th of July 2005. We went up this hill thing to do so, god knows why, but it wasn't just me being invested it was Matt as well. Tobias was being nice to me well not nice but civilised. On the way back to the cars Tobias told me he was leaving soon cos he had better things to do on a Friday night. That hurt when he told me. It felt like he was only going to leave because I was there. Well I carried on going and so did he so I guessed that he was probably lying. Oh well there was Chris and Chris and Matt and David if he left I didn't need him. He was always there so, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to manage without him in my life. I mean I'd see him every now and again when I went to Chris' for explorers.
Summer camp 2005 That summer I went with scouts to broad stone warren. Chris and Chris went and then the scouts, which would mean we were allowed to get up to a little bit more mischief. It was fun. I had a great laugh. One of the scouts Lee, let me put make-up on him, it was so funny. We became quite close. Chris S and I well we got extremely close, but he was too much like Tobias wanting to do stuff I didn't, but we ended up going out after the camp.
We both went our separate ways after camp. He was going on holiday and I was going up to chesterfield (my home town). I text him while I was away and he text me back. We were doing ok while we were apart but I knew it would all go pear-shaped because of Tobias. I was happy with Chris S but I still missed Tobias. The rest of the summer we texted and what have you. When I came back I was at school the next day so I didn't have chance to see him. So the next time I saw him was at explorers on Friday. We didn't talk all week he said that it was bad signal where he lived so I left it at that. I mean if he wanted to I guess he could ring me but we were ok. It was that time of year again so as I usually do I sent Tobias a birthday card. I got Chris R to post it for me cos I never liked going up Tobias' drive. It was scary cos he lived in a cul-de-sac which had five houses round it all looking down at you. It was really scary. Everything was ok, everything was back to the way it was before wasn't it? Well every year at Hobbs farm there's a music festival the boys went last year and helped out by showing people where to park. Fun yeah? Well they behaved for once in they're lives and got asked back so Peter asked if Matt and I wanted to go as well as the others. We said we'd go. I thought it would be a laugh, the only problem was we had to camp out the night. Uh! I hated camping but I got to spend the weekend with my boyfriend (Chris S) so I just I would have to manage and way it was only a weekend. It would be fine. I had to tell myself that cos if I didn't it would just ruin my life. I was definitely not going to let that happen.
So when Peter took me home he explained what was happening and they said that it was fine. That night I had to pack all the stuff I was taking cos we were going the next day. I need to get some sleep cos I knew I wouldn't on Saturday, I didn't know what time it finished but the lads had told me that it went on until about 2am and then people were playing music and messing around until like 6am then starts again at 9am. The next morning (10th of September) my mum took me round to Peters house. Tobias and Chris S were cycling up there and stopping off at the shops to get noodles for dinner that night. Noodles were the explorers must eat. It was kind of a tradition of ours.
We had to get there before everyone else started to arrive so we could set up the tents and stuff. We set the tents up the boys were all right they had a trailer tent I had to get them to help me with mine. It was Chris S' tent cos I didn't have one of my own and I couldn't share with the boys. We were left waiting and messing around for about an hour. We were in the boy's tent, I was laid down on my front propping my head up with my hands, as you do, when Chris S sat next to me, Tobias, Matt and the other Chris were sat on the other side. Chris kept hugging and kissing me. I kept looking at Tobias which made me feel bad cos I was going out with Chris not him, but the weird thing was that Tobias kept looking at me as well. WEIRD! Well people started arriving, so Tobias and my Chris said that they would go on for so long and then they would change you know so it was like a rotor type thing. Fun showing people where to park. There was a place for people that had campervans, which was different from the place where people who had tents had to go and even then people who were not staying over had yet another place to park. It was really confusing. The lads took the Mickey when I said that. They said I only found it difficult cos I was a useless girl that was only good for cooking and cleaning. Yeah Nice! I was used to it they always said stuff like that even peter did. But I've told them before that if the want me to cook then they have to prepare to die, cos I cant cook. Well I can, I'm just not very good at it. I just lounged around in the boy's tent, bored! I went and got my magazines from my bag. 'This should pass sometime' I sighed to myself. Chris R and Matt came and sat opposite me, they just sat there watching me. It was really off putting. 'What do you want cos if you don't want anything stop starring at me your annoying me' I muttered not taking my eyes off the page. 'We were wandering what you where reading that's all, we're really bored' said Chris R.
' I'm reading a magazine, doesn't take a genius to work that out does it.' I sighed moodily I still hadn't taken my eyes off the page. 'What's wrong with you moody you've got your magazines and Boff is around what more could you want' Chris said. Yeah it was confusing there being two Chris' but they had nicknames. My Chris was called boff cos he was a bit of a boffin and Chris R was called pod (prince of darkness) cos If he had his way then he would stay in the confines of his room all day long. 'I want to be left alone and I would like to spend more time with my boyfriend but seen as though Tobias' needs are obviously greater than mine, I'd like to be left alone but if I cant be comfortable and left alone then I'll move into my tent.' My eyes left my page and gave them evils then return back to where I was on the page. 'Sorry I'm just tired that's all I didn't mean it honestly I'm really sorry' I felt really bad they were bored too and I was being horrible. I asked jokingly if they'd like to read one of my magazines (Pointing at the bag they were in one the floor) to pass the time.
Matt grabbed the bag saying ' ok then I'll look at the problem pages those are always funny to read' he opened the magazine looked in the contents and then went to the problem pages. I was gob-smacked I couldn't take my eyes off him neither could pod. I was so shocked. I just cracked up laughing then my Chris walked in took one look at Matt and walked back out again, it made me laugh even more.
I couldn't stop laughing for ages.
I tried reading more on but I couldn't, well it was a bit hard cos Matt was reading out loud and then making comments about what he had just read, which kept making me laugh. I decided to go and see Tobias and Chris who are standing around like people waiting for a bus. 'So Matt's reading one of your magazines is he. Oh my god he's such a freak the only thing worth looking at in those things is the girls and sometimes the problem pages' Tobias muttered.
'Oh my god what is it with guys and problem pages in girls magazines I don't understand you lot at all' I smiled.
'The problem pages help us they tells us what's going on in your heads seen as though you wont tell us yourselves. They help us understand you cos you girls are actually quite difficult to understand sometimes. They tell us about pmt otherwise we would just think that we had done something wrong every time it was that time and... 'Chris carried on.
'Alright alright shut up now your starting to annoy me' I interrupted I felt like I was about to burst. I loved Chris really I did but there was something about Tobias that was different. I mean anyone who knew about me and Tobias would probably say 'oh Lauren you've been there, done that, got the mental scars to show it! Stay well away' but I couldn't I hated Tobias for what he'd done to me but I loved him at the same time, the only problem was I didn't know why?
He hadn't done anything wrong though had he that's what I wanted or so everyone thought. I was so nearly there, I was so nearly convinced that its what I wanted.
I went back to the tents. I was so bored it was unbelievable. Chris R was riding round on Tobias' bike and Matt on boffs bike. The boys were all right there was four of them and only one of me. I mean I didn't really mind but I suppose I was a bit lonely.
My phone buzzed it was a text message. From Tobias. Oh ok I only gave him my number about an hour ago why is he texting me now?
Oh that's why! Oh help me not this again.
It was not a very nice message. It wasn't as if it was a message I could get from a girl who I had fallen out with. It was sexual not bitchy. This scared me. Why was he doing this now, I was going out with his best friend? I hoped to god that he'd sent it to me by accident and meant to send it to his girlfriend but I was wrong. He text me again and he had noticed that I was looking at him and he was asking me loads of questions it was annoying. He wanted to do stuff. He said I could give him a proper birthday present. I was starting to get really scared now. I was ok while it was daylight but what happens when it gets dark.
Well I carried on as normal. Tobias kept texting me and I'd text him back not much but it was something to worry about. Why did he want to text me unless he wanted something that I didn't? Ok I might let him try it on maybe flirt with him a bit if Chris wasn't there but he was and I was going out with him and he was around. How spineless was he to do something like that? Chris was Tobias' best friend.
Well we changed around I was trying to do the least I could.
Wandering around like a lost puppy trying to act normal but it was harder than normal. It gradually got darker. I was getting more and more scared the darker it got.
I was dreading the time when Tobias thought he do what he wanted. I could tell someone. Nope no I couldn't. Who would I tell? Who would believe me?
Eventually it got dark. I was arguing with my Chris. The problem with him is that is all mature when Tobias is around but when he was it was like Tobias said jump and Chris asked how high.
I walked off and left the guys to Pratt around and do whatever they wanted to do so they didn't feel they had to try and involve me.
I just wanted to be on my own. I couldn't stand to be around Chris at the moment and I defiantly didn't want to be around Tobias, not with what he had in mind right now. What was I suppose to do? I couldn't walk off they'd all worry about me.
If I went back to my tent then Tobias would know where I was and I didn't want him to I wanted to run away from him not anyone else just HIM. He was the one who was hurting me I couldn't cope I knew that and so did he but what he wanted he got well had done since day one. Hadn't he?
I hated myself for letting him do it but I couldn't stop him. He was miles stronger than me and could sometimes be quite violent which scared me even more.
I was sat in my tent doing nothing so I decided that I would get changed cos I was wearing the sponsors t-shirt and my black school trousers. I changed into my jeans and was starting to change my top, when someone started fumbling to find the zip. 'Hello ... what do you want?' I muttered.
They found the zip and opened it, it was Tobias.
Oh god help me please, please help me what am I going to do I thought to myself. I pulled my top down quickly. He moved towards me so he was in the tent with me and then zipped it back up again. Oh no please no.
He moved closer towards me. He pushed me backwards, and kind of sat on top of me, well sat on my waist, so I couldn't really move. I was really, really scared now. I was shivering. It was cold and getting colder.
He pulled me up so I was sat up and pulled my top off, then he undid my trousers and then undid his.
I was really petrified now. He did it, he did it again. He raped me again. What was wrong with him? Was he not loved as a kid? Was he abused as a kid? When he had finished he asked me what was up between me and Chris. 'Hello' said Chris in a daft voice, who was stood outside my tent. 'Oh crap' Tobias and I muttered in unison.
'Hang on a minute Chris' Tobias said moving backwards and pulling up his trousers. I was doing the same. Oh god I can't find my top. Tobias saw the frustration in my eyes and noticed what I was missing and pasted me my top, which was near to him. Oh god what am I going to do now I thought to myself. Chris was going to come in and try to make it up to me and that had just happened. Oh I wished I wasn't me.
'I'll leave you two to talk ok see you later' Tobias said casually like nothing had happened. How could he act so normal? Especially with Chris after what he'd just done to me. Creep. Chris came in to my tent. We were both silent until we heard Tobias walk away.
'Look Lauren I'm sorry and I want to make it up to you If you tell me how' he bumbled. 'No you shouldn't be sorry its me its my fault, but you are very immature when Tobias is around and I don't like it' I said pretending to be looking fir something in my bag just for the pure fact that I could look at him. I felt even sicker and even dirtier now than when he did it the first time. My life was just settling down and he has to go and do it again. Why oh why oh why? I would never wish it upon anyone not even my worse enemy but why me? What did I do so wrong?
Chris moved to wards me to kiss me 'I'm sorry I don't mean to be I wont do it again' I wasn't in the mood to be soft-soaped. I wasn't in the mood for anything apart from dying. 'Oh go away Chris your so annoying' I blurted. I was trying so hard not to cry in front of him cos, if I did he'd know something was wrong, and then he'd want to know what it was and I didn't want to tell him, well I did want to tell him, its just I couldn't tell him. It would have broken his heart to know what his best friend was like, and that's only If he believed me.
Well I tried so hard to not cry after Chris went but I couldn't help it. I just broke down. My phone buzzed again oh god not again.
It was a message from Tobias. It said 'that's never got to happen again I have a girlfriend and I love her.' Oh my god since when did that bother him, I didn't want to do it anyway I replied I had to. ' Unless its escaped your notice I have a boyfriend who happens to be your best mate and I do love him. I replied. I was furious. How could he be so horrible? He didn't text back.
Anyway later on Tobias complain of felling ill. Yeah right guilty conscience more like it.
Well his dad came to pick him up and I had a word with him before he went all I said was if ever he needed to talk at anytime he knew where I was. Why I said that I don't know but it felt like the right thing to do. I ran off to London not long after and ended up in Liverpool street police station where, I ended up spilling the beans, by telling the police what I've just told you, while we were waiting for my parents to come and pick me up. The next week at explorers Tobias was really nice to me. Which made me question if what I had done was right or not. He made me think that what happened I must have wanted. I felt really bad. I went back to the police in Bognor Regis, which was where the CID were dealing with it. I decided I was going to pull my statement out. I mean the police said that I had to make a video statement, which scared me. Well the officer said cos I was going on holiday the next week, I should do that and then if I still felt the same then they would do something.
So I did that. When we got back the CPU got involved. They came around and asked me more questions that I had already been asked. They tried to make it sound like it was my fault. They said why would I go back out with him when he had done that to me. I wasn't the bad guy though was I?
I withdrew my statement. The police wrote up another statement that I had to sign say I was very upset and I didn't mean it and that Tobias was harmless. I felt even worse signing that cos he wasn't harmless, he could be very violent I mean he's never been like that with me, apart from threatening to kill me.
The police said that they still had to talk to him but would say that I didn't want them to but they didn't know when they would do that and would let us know when they did. They didn't. They didn't do what the said they would. They didn't say what they said they would, but they tried it make out that what they had done was what they said but It wasn't. When my mum told me a couple of days after I was annoyed and said that if she or anyone else thought I was going to talk to the police again they had another thing coming cos I wasn't going to. Tobias and I were both banned from explorers cos he lived next door to Chris R him and his parents went and told Peter, I was really upset, it was the last one in the term and we were going go-carting and it would have been my last week cos I was leaving so Tobias could stay there and so it didn't make it awkward for the both of us.
Oh well there's goes my life.
It wasn't too bad I just knew that Tobias would make my life a living hell even though I wasn't taking him to court. However I knew he wouldn't see it that way.
Christmas wasn't that bad although I couldn't stop thinking about him. I felt really bad for doing what I did to him.
Although he did do something wrong didn't he?
Meanwhile I wasn't mates with the girls anymore, that's all of them (Sam, Kara, Sade, Rachel, Leila) no I lie, I was still mates with Amy and Jess but I started to hate school. I went back one day after the Christmas holidays and the next day I tried to kill myself again for the third time I'd tried just before the summer holidays 2005. It was now 2006. I hated myself so much.
I didn't care anymore no one knew what he had done to me apart from my parents and the police. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. I hated the thought of people thinking I was a dirty slapper and all I wanted was attention. I wanted to tell Jess but I knew she wouldn't believe me. While I was in hospital a girl in my year Nikki was moved into the bed next to me. We chatted and stuff like that she went home the next day. I had to stay in for about a week, cos they didn't know how damaged my liver was. I couldn't eat, I just kept chucking up. Lovely!
When I came back to school I was put in a new room it was called SSC (Student Support Centre) where I could catch up with my coursework and then gradually go back into classes. My anger management from the year before Mrs Caine and a new teacher Mrs Goodheart run it. They were really nice to me. I never wanted to get back into my classes but I knew I had to. It was nice in SSC it was away from everything that hurt me in school. I rambled along going into this lesson and that only really cos Jess wanted me to. I went out with jess one weekend meet her and Nikki in town. My parents had taken my phone away from me so I went and bought another one. We went and meet Ja (His names Jamie although no one calls him that unless he annoys them and even then he tells them off for doing so) his girlfriend Alesha and Luke. Jess had been staying at Luke's flat. They met up with some other girls I didn't know, but I think Megan was one of them. Well we went off since Luke was going to see his little brother and Nikki had to go home. Then after Jess and I dropped Nikki home we went to meet up with Luke and that lot. I knew Ja I'd met him before but I'd never met the others until then. They were in Hotham Park after a while we went back to Luke's flat. I didn't know this but Charlie (a lad who was in SSC sometimes) was Luke's little brother. Ok I admit Luke was cute, but I wasn't really interested, I didn't know anything about him. Ja left after about half an hour and Jess had to go and see Scott (her boyfriend) so I went with her, we left the boys playing on Luke's new xbox 360.
On our way back to Luke's we saw Abby and Kelly who said they were going to get some booze. Jess asked if we could come and they said yeah and that they'd meet us at Mac Donald's in about half an hour, so we went back to Luke's place. Well to cut a long story short we got drunk on vodka, I got into a fight with some girls from Bognor School, ended up punching Jess, running off and then being done by the police for being drunk and disorderly, and then taken to Chichester cells.
So as you can tell I had a good night. Only to fine out the next day that jess didn't have my phone or bag and that they had been nicked.
I can't remember much of that night.
Anyhow that was a Saturday on the Monday I went round Luke's and Jess, Laura (Luke's sister), April (a mate of Laura's), Jarred (Luke's flat mate) and Dan (a mate of Luke's) were all there ad I had some money so we decided to get drunk so, Luke went to Iceland and got us some booze, so we got drunk and were messing around. You know boys being boys had no loo roll so Jess and April left me and went to get some. While they were out they got some bubble gum. We decided to play a game it was called pass the bubble gum. I guess you can work out what to do. Well I'm telling you know I'm not a lesbian but if I'm drunk then it doesn't bother me.
We were messing around and I wanted to talk to Jess so we went out into the hall I said something like don't go Jess (cos she had to be home by a certain time) cos if you go that mean Laura will sleep with Dan, April with Jarred and that means I'll end up in bed with Luke! That's the way it turned out. I ended up sleeping with Luke we moved into his room before Jess had even left but that was ok with me, I was happy with that, I wanted to he was always checking if I was ok and if was sure I wanted to do it, which was really sweet but annoying at the same time. He asked me out and I said yeah ok then. Wow that was so cool. Oh and then the police came and arrested me for stealing my mums credit card. I wasn't dressed properly I had my trousers and that but I only had Luke's jumper on and my bra of course! The next day I was released I went home and was talking to my parents (they knew about me and Luke), my dad got angry and said something like oh I hope you get aids. I stormed off. That was really out of order. I walked to the door opened it my mum came over and said he didn't mean it. I didn't care. My mum reminded me I had babysitting that night (which I knew) and said I could go out as long as I was back for my babysitting. I asked what time it was and asked if I could borrow her watch. She enquired where mine was, I told her it was still at Luke's and not to worry I'd go and get it. She didn't like that idea, but she didn't have a choice I was going! I was going to see my wonderful boyfriend.
I was happy again just like I was whenever I was with Tobias that I'd never be like that with him again (thank god) although I still missed him.
When I got there April let me in, she seemed really pleased to see me. Luke seemed ok with me, I apologised loads and loads, he said it was fine and hoped I didn't get into too much trouble. I told him what happened, and mentioned that my watch was somewhere in his room, when we went into his room he handed it to me. I apologised again. He said it was fine and to stop saying sorry. I stayed there for a bit and then I had to walk home but only after snogging Luke, he told me I had go and see him the next day, I said I would. I didn't want to go.
I wanted to stay with Luke forever. On my way home guess who I saw? Yeah Tobias. He was out on his bike, I was nervous walking passed him but I did, I had to do it sometime. It didn't really bother me that much, I wasn't thinking about him for ages afterwards all I could think about was Luke. I carried on seeing Luke even though my mum didn't want me to. I went round Sunday. Luke said he needed to talk to me alone. He seemed very serious.
'Look Jess is acting weird cos I'm going out with you and I don't wanna lose her as a mate so I'm sorry but I don't want to go out with you anymore.' He muttered.
'Ok but Jess is fine with it. I made sure she was, but if that's what you want then that's fine with me' I was devastated.
'Oh ok then that was easier than I thought it was going to be. I thought you might have made a fuss.' He said sweetly. I smiled at him as if to said no it's fine.
We went into the lounge where Ja, Alesha and Megan were sat. Luke sat down next to Megan, he made it perfectly clear that Jess wasn't the reason why he dumped me!
Anyway so what! He was only a guy.
On Monday I wasn't talking to Jess. I was annoyed with her, I knew it wasn't her fault but she was the reason why well that's what he told me. I needed to blame someone.
She was perfect to blame.
Oh yeah I forgot to mention I told jess what Tobias had done and she didn't believe me. She's my best friend or should I say was.
Well I rambled along as you do. That's what I'm doing now rambling. I still miss Luke, but I'm going backwards cos I'm missing Tobias again now as well. I'm really grateful to Luke for everything he's done for me. I'm not friends with Jess anymore, but I'm still mates with Nikki.
In fact Nikki and I are best friends and will be for a long time to come. Yeah my lives still a bit pear shaped and Tobias and I are still not talking but he's still threatening to kill me. Oh well he'll get over him self sooner or later and he'll eventually face up to what he's done.
Well its 31st of March 2006 which is the last day of the spring term.
Woohoo we've got two weeks holiday to relax. I can't wait.
Well now you know.
The end.
Or is it?
Well it is for the time being!