The day was a nice one. Everyone on the beach ran and played, while adults caught up on their tanning or the latest novel. Honestly, the day couldn't have been better up on the ocean coast.
And Len couldn't have been more pissed about it.
All over the bottom side of the ocean annoying fish were singing about being under the the fucking obvious sea. With only idiots for company, Len was completely bored by talking fish and ditzy merpeople.
That is until Miku showed up.
"HEEEEY!" Miku squealed, swimming to him at full speed, "THERE'S A BOAT! A REALLY BIG BOAT!"
Len sighed, obviously annoyed. "I'm going home. I don't have time for this." He began to swim away, but Miku bit the end of Len's tail and pulled as hard as she could. "HOLY SHIT!" he screamed. Miku released her mouth's grip and grabbed his hand.
"Come on, let's see if there are any bitches for you up there!" she happily screeched. Len sighed again.
As much as he hated to admit it, he really wanted a girlfriend. All the local mermaid bitches were pretty damn stupid, so he wished for the company of a human. As he thought this, Miku squished both of their faces into a tight-as-hell crevice in a rock so that they could observe the humans.
Up on the surface there was the rumored big boat. Except, it wasn't just a BIG boat. But it was a Fucking Big Ass Solid Gold Yacht. On the deck they could see rich girls drinking martinis with their pinkies raised laughing in a mocking manner.
In the midst of the crowd a man with long purple hair was telling witticisms being witty and all the shit that made girls laugh when nothing was really funny.
Miku snorted, "Man, it's only snooty rich people! We should just sink that stupid boat so we can take all their jewelry!"
Len was quiet and just started on at the scene with his eyes glued to the entertainer of the big headed bitches.
"Oh, heehee~ That purple haired guy is some prince of some stupid place. He's SO out of your league!" Miku giggled. Len sighed for what felt like the fiftieth time that day.
"I never said that I wanted him; I was just fascinated by how much he looks like a woman." Miku laughed and poked his cheek. Len had no idea how she did it- she must have squeezed her hand through the crack that they were jammed in.
"I can tell by the look in your eyes- you love him!" she shrieked. A spectacular shade of scarlet spread across Len's face. "See?! You're even blushing!"
"No, Miku," Len tried to spit out through his flustered state. "Someone's feeling up my tail."
Miku pulled her face out of the crevice to see what was going on. Indeed, someone was feeling up Len's tail. But it wasn't just ANY someone. It was King Kaito, the ruler of the sea!
"Oh, hi Miku," Kaito, the almighty ocean king said.
"Kaito! Fancy seeing you here! Here for the view?" Miku asked.
"Yup," He said dreamily.
"It's not the view you're thinking of, Miku!" Len yelled. He tried to squirm his way out the crevice but Kaito and Miku were trapping him between the rocks. "Move your fugly fish butts! The boat is coming this way!"
Miku and Kaito were far too busy looking at the other view to notice that the stupid sluts on the yacht had made the captain drunk on whatever they had. He drunkenly steered the boat into the rock which made all the sluts squeal. The prince was the only one sober enough to realize that they were going down. Fast.
Miku and Kaito ignored Len's tail for the moment to laugh at the hoes waving their arms in the air singing song about yellow submarines (which kind of made sense). The prince Gakupo swan dived off the boat to get away from the drunken bitches only to dive into a rock. He drifted motionlessly to the bottom of the sea.
Miku and Kaito were still distracted by the hoes freaking out, so Len took this chance to dive down and grab the man. He swam as fast as he could, determined not to lose him. He was finally close enough, so he reached down as far as he could and grabbed the prince's hair. He dragged the prince ashore.
Tenderly laying down the prince, he moved violet hair out of his eyes. "He... Wow, he..." Len's eyes were shining as he said this. "Is the most feminine man that I've ever seen." And with that, he dove back into the ocean.
Len hadn't noticed, but Gakupo had regained consciousness right after Len threw that bitchy insult at him. He watched with huge-ass hearts in his eyes as Len slithered back to the ocean. "Oh my goodness..." Gakupo gasped once Len was out of sight. "That mermaid costume was TO DIE FOR! I swear, it's turning me on thinking about it!..." Well, Gakupo got tired of listening to his sexy voice, so he got up and ran with purpose back to the castle.
Once getting past security and their stupid questions about why he was wet, he finally got to the one person he could confide to.
"Meiko! I think I'm in love!" Gakupo swooned dramatically.
Meiko started hard at him. Looking into his eyes, she really knew that Gakupo was in love. She slapped him across the face.
"Idiot! You can't fall in love!" Meiko shouted.
"Why not?" Gakupo whimpered, nursing his cheek.
"I... I really don't know. Pursue as you please!" Meiko hummed, "So who's the lucky lady?"
"It's someone in a mermaid costume... And they have a really sexy voice," Gakupo recounted dreamily.
"Yeah, anyone can own a mermaid costume so ignore that detail. I guess we go voice scouting then! Wanna host a Royal Concert? Eh?" Meiko advised.
"Uh, but they're SO fucking boring!" Gakupo whined, "I'd rather shoot myself in the head and then hang myself from a tree that overhangs a cliff!"
"But how else will you find your sweet lover?" Meiko taunted.
"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE..." Gakupo huffed.
Meiko squealed, "Oh, this will be so fucking fun! We get to hear people sing, and we get to dress up which take hours, we have to plan food, we have to make a guest list... Oh god I don't want to have a concert anymore!"
"It's already been decided Meiko! How else will I find my true love? To the party planners!" Gakupo declared, dragging Meiko after him.
Len flopped around on his squishy ocean bed thing. "Wow, I just met a real human... A ROYAL one, at that!" He laughed. "That was pretty fun... Maybe I can see him again?"
"See him again, you say?" Len screamed at the top of his lungs when pink tentacles began to wrap themselves around his torso and tail. They slowly unraveled when an octopus with a very attractive head slithered up to him. "I'm Luka, the sea witch," she cackled. "I would like to help you with seeing this prince."
Len facepalmed. "I don't want to see that guy again," he lied. "I hate him!"
Luka giggled. "Oh, yeah, sure you do!" She then waved her tentacles in the air in a sexual manner. A piece of drenched paper appeared in Len's hand.
"What the hell?!" he yelled. "The writing is all smudged. I can't read this for shit!"
"Oh..." Luka seemed disappointed. "Well, it said that I can grant you a human body for three days, free shipping and handling, bitch!" She gave a thumbs-up.
When she noticed Len's hopeful and grateful expression, she began to laugh. "Bitch please! Did you really think that I would give it to you that easily?! I need to buy alcohol, after all!"
Len slapped his tail and snapped, muttering, "Damn!"
"You have to give me your voice," Luka informed Len. He stared at her incredulously. "That's all I need. Okay?" He slowly nodded, dragging his fat ass to the magical quill floating in the water, which was also magically pre-dipped in ink. The shitty scroll had also tripled in size.
"Well, whatever..." He sighed and nodded his head, signaling that he agreed. To be honest, he had never used a quill before. Suddenly, it felt as if an eggplant was being shoved down his throat. He let out a strangled cry, and then suddenly silenced. He took in a huge gulp of water, only to find that he couldn't even fucking breathe! Seriously, what kind of life did these humans live?! He swam to shore as fast as possible.
"Oh yeah, and if you don't kiss that prince dumbass in the three days you never get to see him again!" Luka screeched happily as Len swam off.
She received a middle finger from the former mermaid.
He took in a huge breath of air, fist-pumping in joy when he breathed properly. He dragged himself to shore in relief.
And then he looked down.
To see that he was butt naked.
"FU-" Len began to say but remembered he lost his voice. He settled for angrily shaking his fists in the air.
He heard some voices coming towards him so he ducked behind a rock to hide until they passed. Looking out, Len noticed it was him.
"I can't believe they expected me to taste their shitty ass shrimp cocktail! Like,
, I have better things to do than stand around and become obese!" Gakupo ranted.
"Too right!" Meiko agreed, "Besides, your mermaid wanna be lover might not approve of you eating seafood!"
"I know! But they were all like," Gakupo pitched up his voice to impersonate whoever they were talking about, "But we're a fucking port city so seafood is fucking cheap and shit! Blah, blah, blah, I'm married to a walrus because we're a FUCKING PORT CITY!"
Meiko snickered, "That Lily! What does she know about cooking? Nothing, obviously!"
They walked past the rock laughing over the party planners.
Len let out a sigh of relief, but much too soon.
Gakupo spun around and eyed the rock. "Look Meiko! It's a yellow starfish!"
"So?"
"Let me correct myself. LOOK MEIKO. IT'S A YELLOW FUCKING STARFISH."
"Oh! It
a yellow starfish!" Meiko agreed, not having the slightest of what Gakupo was talking about.
"I want it for my collection!" Gakupo said, giddily running over to the rock.
Len shrunk down in his spot in the rocks, hoping that the Prince wasn't talking about him somehow.
"Come back my starfish! I want to peg you on my wall!"
With a quick swoop, Gakupo grabbed the starfish and pulled it up to see it was attached... to a naked boy.
"The yellow starfish is hair?" Gakupo said somberly. Len squirmed in Gakupo's grasp, itching to be able to cry out a "PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN!" in anger and pain. But he had given his voice up to the Sea Bitch Luka.
"Yellow starfish, why are you naked?" Meiko facepalmed. Gakupo began to poke Len. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Len tried to show that he couldn't answer him by repeatedly pointing to his mouth and shaking his head. While Gakupo just stared like a total dumbass, Meiko actually figured out what Len was trying to say.
"Oh, he can't speak..." She clapped her hands together all business-like and shit. "Well, then he's not your mermaid lover."
Len's eyes widened. The prince Gakupo...loved him? It actually weirded Len out a little.
"Well, the yellow starfish looks like he needs a home. I won't nail you on my wall, though it is tempting, and you get to stay in the magical castle with us." Len nodded and stood up.
"Well, shit. This is awkward..." Meiko muttered. Len nodded gratefully in agreement.
"Then we should head back to the castle!" Gakupo squealed. "And make sure those fucking party planners aren't ordering seafood shit behind my back!" Meiko began to quickly walk back to the castle.
Len, unfamiliar with the way humans walk, flopped to the ground and began to slither to the castle. Gakupo, being the lazy ass he is, decided to sit on Len's fast body. Together, they traveled back to the castle.
Once they arrived at the castle, they decided to find clothing for Len to wear. Since Gakupo was so much of a bitch that he didn't let Len wear his clothes, they had to settle for a maid's dress. Len, stuck without a voice, had no way to object.
Time flew pretty fast after that. All Len really did was take a bath, eat a sandwich (because even if it's a fucking port city, it's cannibalism), and flop around. Gakupo just lingered around wherever Len was.
After a while, it was time for dinner. Len was given a fancy dress for dinner (and again itched for the ability to scream profanities at the prince). The king Yuuma sat down at the head of the table, and the other royals and Len filled in the rest of the spots.
"So, mah boy..." Yuuma slurred, slamming his fifth beer in five minutes on the table. "Who the hell is the bitch next to you?"
Gakupo politely cleared his throat. "Well, I don't actually know his name. He can't speak. And yes," Gakupo added after noticing Yuuma's incredulous expression, "he is a man."
Yuuma nodded silently. "Well, I'm full," he called, getting up from his chair. He swayed as he walked away.
Gakupo facepalmed. "That father of mine... Always a real pain." He still smiled a bit, though. Len watched, eyes wide. Gakupo wasn't always a bitchy, overly romantic prince?
"Oh! Yellow starfish." Gakupo turned to face Len. "Could you write your name down so I don't have to call you yellow starfish?" Len was about to nod happily, but Gakupo added, "Because it makes me look like a dumbass." Len stared incredulously at the prince. "Chop chop."
Len shook his head, wanting to call the prince a dumbass himself. He took the pen that had been offered by Gakupo, and scribbled his name onto a napkin. Of course, this was his first time writing, so it looked like a walrus and a giraffe's love child took a shit on the napkin. But, after much squinting and swearing, Gakupo was able to figure it out. "Len, hm?" he confirmed. Len nodded.
"I don't like it."
Len's mouth fell open, wanting to object.
"And I just can't keep calling you yellow starfish, so what will I call you...?" Gakupo pondered.
Len jabbed the paper, pointing to his name. However, Gakupo just kept shaking his head muttering, "No, it won't do."
A voice from the other side of the room called out, "Does 'Luka' fit your preference?"
Len turned to see the sea witch bitch walking towards Gakupo in a seducing manner wearing some skank outfit. What Gakupo saw was a hot pink haired chic that didn't mind showing a little skin. To top it all off, she had the voice of his lover in a mermaid costume!
Gakupo quickly stood, "You there! Luka! Your voice is..."
Luka flipped her hair and smiled, "Recognizable?"
Len angrily pounded on the table and tried to get out his chair, only to fall onto the floor and start flopping around. While Luka flirted with Gakupo, Len made his way across the floor, flopping like the merperson he was till he got to Luka.
Luka giggled to Gakupo, "So yeah, I was wearing a mermaid costume because it's like kin to fish and like- AH MA GAWD!"
Luka fell over onto the floor as Len tackled her with his flopping expertise. With a bouquet that was on the table, he started smacking Luka across the head with it as she screamed for Gakupo to help her.
Gakupo did nothing. It wasn't everyday you saw a cat- or, more like fish fight. He licked his lips and couldn't help but grin as he watched on, for Len's yellow hair was all disheveled and hanging down in front of his face and Luka's low-cut shirt was beginning to slip off. All in all, it was a very yummy fight.
Len got up after a while. Luka was sobbing like a little candy-ass on the ground. She pulled herself after her long crying session and screamed, "YOU ASSES WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS!" She hopped up and ran away to the exit.
Gakupo stared at her retreating and jiggling ass. "Well, now that that bitch is gone, what do we do?" Len began to answer, but remembered that he had lost his voice. He just shrugged his shoulders.
Looking down, Gakupo realized that Len's dress was starting to rip. "Oh..." Gakupo thought for a moment. "On your knees, bitch. I'm fixing your dress." Len nodded and, though rather taken aback at Gakupo's smart-ass wording, got on his knees.
While Gakupo was getting down to fix the dress, he bumped his head on the table. "Shit!" he screamed, before falling right onto Len's lips.
Well, this screw up caused some pretty paranormal shit to start happening. Len and Gakupo suddenly began to float into the air, a magical aura surrounding them. Len parted from Gakupo, who had been really into the kiss, to scream, "WHAT. THE. FUCK." He suddenly broke into a smile. "Hey! My voice is back!"
The magical aura shoved Len and Gakupo into each other, then abruptly disappeared, falling in a heap on top of each other. It was really damn awkward.
They tried to get up off of each other, but the whole situation just turned sexual when Gakupo accidentally bumped into Len's crotch, which elicited quite the squeal of surprise from Len.
"Hey, Len!" Gakupo screamed happily. "You're my sexy mermaid lover!"
Len looked up into Gakupo's eyes. "Yeah, I guess I am..." He rolled his eyes and smiled.
Meiko suddenly burst into the room all businesslike and shit. "Alright, I guess the Royal Concert will be a wedding!" Gakupo and Len both squealed for joy like little bitches having sexy time with Kiyoteru.
"We're the sexiest couple ever," Gakupo whispered seductively in Len's ear.
"Oh hell yeah we are."
A/N: This was the most fun I think I've ever had writing a fanfic, and I hope Hatsunation enjoyed it as well! We both wrote a lot of it- it ended up being one of the longest things I've ever worked on! Of course, Hatsunation was hilarious- almost all of the best jokes came from Hatsunation!
An amazing URL that will take you to a world of fairy tale Vocaloid crack fics and amazing writing: u/2573487/Hatsunation
Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!
AnimePairingGenerator and Hatsunation :)