Draco Malfoy Is Not A Vampire

By Serena

A/N: You might hate me for this.

WARNINGS: OOCness, anti-Twilight-ness. Just so ya know.

Disclaimer: Don't own any of it.

A new plague had struck the wizarding population.

It was a disease that targeted specific members of the wizarding world over all the corners of the several dimensions. Those members were females, ages eleven to four hundred and thirty seven. It was one of the worst cases anyone had ever seen. And oddly enough, it was all caused by a muggle.

That plague, however, had not yet attacked the body of a certain Hermione Granger, recent Hogwarts graduate, now a second year resident at St. Mungo's. She had evaded this terrible disease, determined to remain internally strong.

However, her best friend, Ginny Weasley, soon to be Potter, had already fallen ill to the plague.

"Just read it, Hermione!" Ginny shoved the book across the floor towards her friend. "It won't kill you!"

Hermione shoved it back. "No. I already know what it's about."

"Pleeease?" Ginny begged, pushing the book back. "It's a great book, I promise! Harry, tell her to read it!" She glanced over at her fiancé, who was reading his own book and lying on the daybed in the upper room of Hermione's apartment.

"Sorry, love, can't do it," Harry said, flipping through another page.

Ginny glared at him. "Thanks. You're a load of help." She looked back at her friend. "Just read it. A few sentences. Please!"

Hermione eyed the book suspiciously. "I'm not going to fall ill to this plague, Ginny."

"It's not a bloody plague, it's just a good book! Read!" Ginny ordered, pointing to the book.

Hermione poked the book, then flipped to the middle and started to read.

" 'Edward is gorgeous,' " she read aloud, " 'His hair is sparkly, his eyes are sparkly, his face is sparkly, his chest is sparkly... I wonder if he's sparkly anywhere el' – EEEWW!" she shrieked, snapping the book shut violently. Ginny jumped. "Good grief, they LET younggirls READ this?" Hermione roared. "It's worse than a trashy romance novel!"

"It's romantic!" Ginny cried in defense.

"It's revolting," said Hermione, disgusted, shoving the book further away from her with one finger.

"It's passionate!" Ginny objected.

"It's putrescent," Hermione retorted flatly.

"No, it's heart-felt!"

"It's horrific."

"It's a love story!" Ginny squeaked.

"No, it's a load of – "

"Hey!" Harry shouted. Both girls stopped arguing and looked at him. He held up his book and waved it in the air. "Trying to read, here."

"You can go somewhere else," Hermione sniffed, folding her arms over her chest.

Ginny's eyes widened. "That's not very nice."

Harry shrugged, rose to his feet. "But true. I'll catch you guys later. Bye, loves." He opened the door and disappeared down the hall, whistling.

Ginny shot Hermione a nasty look and clutched her book to her chest. "You won't give my gorgeous Edward a chance," she said stiffly. "You're not… Team Jacob, are you?" she demanded.

"I'm Team I Have A Life," Hermione shot back, hopping to her feet. "And I'm almost a member of Team Real World and Team Fictional Characters Are Not Real. Now, I'm off to work." She picked up her bag and left the apartment.

Draco Malfoy sat in his office, writing another boring letter to another boring colleague about another boring medical problem. He loved his job as Healer in St. Mungo's, but honestly, all this bloody paperwork was so bloody boring.

Little did he know, his life was just about to get completely un-boring.

"Drakey!"

Draco groaned and put his head down. Not again. Not bloody again.

"Drakey, you in here?"

"No," he muttered sulkily. But it was too late. For, in the next minute, Pansy Parkinson twirled into the room, a horrid grin on her pug-like face. The woman honestly didn't bleeding get it. He'd only dated her because she was a Slytherin in high school, but he honestly didn't care a bleeding bit now that he was an adult. Rubbish, all of it. His father had cared, and look where that had gotten him?

"Hey, Drakey, how do I smell?" Pansy giggled, twirling around him.

Draco glanced up at her, eyebrow raised. "Um, fine, I guess."

"You mean I don't smell… intoxicating?"

He blinked, stupefied. "Not really. I can't even smell you from over here."

"Yes, you can! You can smell me from a mile away!" Pansy argued. "Don't you find my taste mouthwatering?" She tilted her head back to reveal her neck.

This conversation was getting weirder by the second. Draco shifted his chair subtly back. "Um, no."

Pansy gaped. "You mean you don't want to suck my blood?"

He stared at her. "Are you loony?"

Pansy's eyes watered with fat tears. Before he could move, she darted forward and bared her neck to him. "Come on, Drakey, turn me! I want to be immortal!"

"You want to be what?" Draco squawked, bounding out of his chair and away from her. "Pansy, what in Merlin's name is wrong with you?"

To his utter bewilderment, she burst into great tears. "You – you don't want to bite me!" she wailed, putting her head in her hands.

"Uh… why would I?" he questioned cautiously.

She stared up at him through watery eyes. "Because you're a vampire!"

He snorted, thinking she was joking. But when he saw her face, he realized she wasn't. "Pansy, are you out of your bloody mind? Why on earth would you think I'm a vampire?"

"Well," she whimpered, "Your hair."

His hand went immediately to his head. "My what?"

"Your hair! It's spiky… and light… just like… his…" Her eyes grew suddenly dreamy, and a simpering smile appeared on her pug-like face.

"Sorry, you lost me," he said, wondering if he could make an escape.

"And you're pale!" she cried, stepping towards him. "You're so pale! It's obvious, Draco! Your hair, your skin, your dark clothing, your devastating handsomeness… You're a vampire! Quick, we need to get you into the sun! Take your shirt off! I want to see you sparkle!" She grabbed his arm and started pulling him towards the window.

"You want to see me WHAT?"

"Malfoy!" Hermoine's voice snapped. "No snogging in the office!"

Draco whirled around, gasped, "Save me!" and tore towards Hermione, skidding up to her. "Thank Merlin," he breathed, taking her arms. "I need your help!"

"Hey!" shrieked Pansy furiously. "I'm your soul mate, Draco! HER blood isn't even PURE! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SUCK DIRTY BLOOD?"

Hermione stared at her, then looked up at a very pale, very terrified Draco Malfoy. "Um… did I miss something?"

"Yes!" cried Draco. "The complete snapping of Pansy's mind!"

Hermione looked bored. "She has a mind?"

"HEY!" shrieked Pansy indignantly. She marched up to Draco, who whimpered and whirled around behind Hermione. "You can't have him! He's mine!" Pansy glared evilly at Hermione. "He's going to suck my blood and be with me forever, not YOU!"

Hermione glanced back at Draco. "Do you know a certain Edward Cullen?"

He blinked. "No, should I?"

"Yes," she said, perfectly serious. "You should."

Half an hour later, Hermione had dragged Draco to the bookstore and handed him a copy of the infamous black book she'd refused to touch earlier.

"Here," she said, all but shoving it into his face. "Read this, if you can. I have to go back to work."

"But what is this?" he asked, holding up the book. "And why isn't there a body to go with the two hands holding the apple? Is this about zombies? It's a little creepy!"

"It's more than a little creepy, but it doesn't have zombies, unless you count the main character who has absolutely zero personality. Have fun, Drakey," she said, and shot him a dry smile before leaving the bookstore. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Draco wrinkled his nose and looked down at the book. He quickly dropped it on a nearby coffee table and took a seat. He stared at the book for a moment, then reached out and touched it gingerly with one finger. He then flipped it open and started scanning the pages.

" 'I stared at Edward,'" he read aloud. " 'Edward stared back. I stared back. He stared back. I stared at him even more. He stared at me again. I looked away, but he still stared at me.' GOOD BLOODY GRINDEWALD!" he roared, flipping to another section later on in the book. "What IS this?" He started to read again: " 'Edward stared at me, his glittering, gorgeous golden eyes staring into my soul. And I knew that he was staring at me, because I was staring back. We stared at each other for a long, long time and then" – GAAAAH!" he howled, pushing through the pages of the book. "WHAT IS THIS CATASTROPHE? All I see is 'Edward sparkling,' 'Edward's gorgeous,' 'Edward's hot,' 'Edward's naked, sparkly chest is the most beautiful thing I ever' – AAUGH! MY EYES! They burn!" he whimpered, slamming the book shut.

He wondered then why Hermione had ever wanted him to read this atrocity. Scowling, he marched over to her flat and banged on the door. "HERMIONE BLEEDING GRANGER, OPEN UP!"

Hermione opened the door. "I take it you read it."

"Read it? READ IT? I could barely get through FIVE BLOODY SENTENCES BEFORE I WANTED TO THROW UP! WHAT IS THIS AND WHY DID YOU MAKE ME READ IT?"

"So you didn't see the resemblance?" she asked breezily, leaning against the doorjamb.

Draco tried not to swallow at just how gorgeous she'd gotten. A small wind blew her tawny locks around her smooth, well-formed face, and she was wearing a simple tank and small pair of shorts, revealing a pair of long, lean legs.

Too late. He swallowed. "Um… what legs?" He nearly slapped himself.

"What?" She raised an eyebrow.

"I, uh, I mean what resemblance?" he asked, internally kicking himself.

"Between you and Edward Cullen."

His mouth fell open. "WHAT? I am NOT A GAY VAMPIRE!"

"You're not?"

"NO!"

"But you both have the same hair."

"DO NOT!" he screamed petulantly, hastily trying to flatten it down. "Mine is BLOND!"

She shrugged. "Doesn't matter. You're both pale, exceptionally good-looking, and like to wear nice clothes."

"I…" He spluttered, then paused. "You think I'm good looking, Granger?" He grinned.

She rolled her eyes. "Don't flatter yourself, Malfoy."

"I'm not. I'm asking you out. Dinner. My place. You bring dessert."

"Too late. Already have plans."

"Cancel them," he breathed, drawing close to her. She smelled of dusty old books and jasmine. A perfect combination.

She leaned close to him as well, her eyes falling to his lips. But just before they touched, she murmured, "Sorry. I don't go out with gay vampires." And she pulled away and shut the door, a little smirk on her face.

Draco was left, standing, dumbfounded and more than a little irked, on the doorstep.

"I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!" he roared to the universe. A few birds fluttered away, frightened, and a nearby cat hissed at him. He shot it a disgusted look and turned to leave, when he saw one of Hermione's neighbors standing on the sidewalk, staring at him. He nodded, jammed his hands in his pockets. "Hullo, Mrs. Hebbins. Lovely day, isn't it?"

Mrs. Hebbins just stared at him as he trudged sullenly away.

Draco angrily stirred his coffee and stared at the TV. He couldn't believe it. This was utterly ridiculous. For the past two days, at least a dozen women had come up to him asking him to bite them, stare at them, dazzle them, stop a car from hitting them, or take off his shirt so they could see his sparkly-ness. Sometimes, all of the above.

Sparkly-ness? REALLY?

Had some plague wandered into the wizard world? Were vampires responsible for this horrifying plot, sappy, meaningless dialogue, and dead characters?

Was Edward Cullen taking over the universe?

"Bloody hell no," he grumbled, slamming his spoon down on the table. "Not if I have anything to say about it."

"Say about what?" asked Hermione as she opened the door to his flat and airily came in, dressed in a silver trench coat and warm yellow wedges. Her hair fell down in golden-brown waves, and her eyes glittered in the light.

Glittered? Really? Wasn't that something out of… the book?

Draco shuddered and stared up at her. "I thought you didn't date gay vampires," he said dully.

"Oh, I don't. But I do date Draco Malfoy," she told him. "Now get dressed. You're taking me out to dinner, and I don't want to be late for the show."

"What show is this again?"

"Phantom of the Opera."

"What's a ghost doing in an opera?" Draco asked, rising to his feet and trying to hide his delight. "Aren't attics more fun to haunt? Imagine listening to that racket all day. Ugh."

Hermione shoved him towards his bedroom. "It's not a real phantom, silly. It's a man wearing a mask who's in love with a young singer, and he haunts the opera house."

"That's slightly disturbing."

"It's romantic."

Draco paused, turned to face her. "Just one question. What does his hair look like?"

-The End-

Now, before any of you Twilight lovers shoot my head off and write "THAT'S NOT IN THE BOOK!", just let me say that I know it's not. I'm using hyperbole, in a way. And it's not supposed to be a serious story.

Anyways, I don't know why this popped into my head, but I'm planning to do another in this series of "Draco Malfoy Is Not -", featuring implied DM/HG, and centered on a different pop culture character. If you have any ideas of other famous people/characters I could include, feel free to suggest any! :)

- Serena