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Reader Alert: G rated. Angst
Summary: A loved one's death shakes the family to their core.
I felt the tears gather in my eyes and blinked, resisting the urge to wipe at them. I wouldn't let them fall and leave evidence of their existence. I wouldn't. By the time Joe turned around to face me once more, I had managed to regain control over my expression once more. Maybe I stood a little straighter than usual and blinked a little too often, but some how my little brother didn't notice.
He was angry, too angry to see anything but what he wanted to see. Everything about his posture shouted it out for all the world to see. Joe glared at me waving his arm out towards the woods, snarling, "Why did you let her go out alone, upset like she was? And now look what happened!" He was on the brink of tears now, with his hands clenched tightly into fists. Why couldn't he just punch me and get it over with? That would be less painful then seeing the accusation in his eyes and hearing the pain in his voice. Did he think I wanted this to happen? How could I explain to him that I couldn't bring myself to stop her from going because I thought she needed the time alone to sort things out in her own mind? How could I explain that to my little brother when the love of his life now lay dead in the room where the doctor had worked for so long trying to save her? I couldn't.
Suddenly it was all too much for me. The tears couldn't be held back anymore and I turned from Joe before he could see my weakness. I heard Hoss at the top of the stairs and I was out the door in a second and the next flying away on Sport.
I don't know how long I rode like that blind to everything, but when I regained some control I found myself at Marie's grave. I dismounted slowly and sunk to my knees by my third mother's tomb. I had promised her I'd look out for him, but once again I had let everyone down. I failed him, by not protecting Evelyn when she left the house, clearly unhappy and upset, when I was the only other person home. It was only after she'd been gone for almost an hour that I'd gone to look for her, and when I returned with her broken body, Joe had come in from town at the same time; Pa and Hoss right behind him.
I thought I was done with my crying, but sitting there at Marie's grave I put a hand to my cheek only to find even more tears flooding down. Why didn't I stop her? If I had I could have talked with her and found out what was bothering her and then she wouldn't have tripped on an outstretched root, tumbling down that rocky hill. She wouldn't have busted her skull on that sharp rock, and I wouldn't have been the one to see her in her last conscious moments. When I had found Evelyn, she had reached a shaking hand towards me and whispered, "I'm sorry. Tell Joe."
Sobbing into my hands, I didn't hear the horse approach or it's rider dismount and come towards me. I didn't even know anyone was there, until the gentle hand squeezed my shoulder sympathetically. I looked up, startled, and then buried my face in Hoss's shoulder, crying until I could cry no more.
Finally I stood and faced the early rays of the morning sunlight, slightly embarrassed at my emotional out burst, but relieved by Hoss's constant understanding. He was the one to break the silence in the end. "Joe's not mad," he started. "He even sent me to find ya hisself. I think he was afraid you wouldn't come back."
I smiled softly at my younger brother, "Let's get home. We have to be there for little brother. He's going to need us." Together we mounted up and rode back to the ranch house to our worried pa and grieving younger brother, so that we would be there when he needed us. We would always be there for each other.