Blanket Over my Heart
A Koga and Kagome one-shot
Koga told us of his planned marriage with Ayame today. I'd been out of it since. I wasn't sure why, I didn't understand why this bothered me so much. Of course, Koga was long gone now. This had all started this morning. Koga had come to say good bye for now. He was accepting my feelings for Inu-Yasha. I was mostly surprised at the time so I didn't say much but after he left. I realized how much his words had hurt.
He was going to marry Ayame. I knew I should be happy for them. I should be thrilled, but I wasn't. I tried to tell myself that this wasn't heartbreak, but it hurt much more then I'd ever imagined. I always thought of Koga as a friend, but now that he was going to be with someone else. He wasn't going to always come and claim me to be his anymore. He wouldn't get in arguments with Inu-Yasha over who would get me anymore.
I felt a few tears run down my cheeks but quickly wiped them away before the others could notice. When had I come to actually...love Koga? I never even considered the idea before, I always knew of my feelings for Inu-Yasha. I never even considered the fact that I may have had the same feelings for Koga.
I slowly grew further and further behind the group. I was thankful that they hadn't noticed. I wanted to be alone right now, I wanted to go home. Inu-Yasha would never go for that though, I knew better. I'd only gotten back this morning, he wasn't about to let me leave again so soon. My mother and the others would get curious about what was wrong then too. I didn't want that.
I glanced behind me sadly as if expecting Koga to come running up. He wasn't there though. There was no trace of him or anyone else. For now, we were the only ones walking this path. I wanted to see Koga now. I wanted him to take my hands in his and say something – anything. I just didn't want to hear him tell me he was giving up on me. I didn't want to hear him tell me good bye.
I looked ahead of me and continued walking slowly. The others were still within view, as long as I could see them I could just make up some excuse if they noticed how far behind I was. I gave a sad sigh.
I was thinking too much about this. I should just shrug it off; I should have been okay with that what happened. I loved Inu-Yasha. I loved Koga too though but I'd never noticed it before now. How could I have been so blind to my feelings? They were my feelings, I should have seen them. I should have known. I didn't though. I was so blind and I ended up getting hurt because of it.
I looked down at my hands that Koga had held only a few hours ago. I could still remember his words. I bit my lower lip lightly trying to hold back the tears. It hurt so much; it wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to hurt like this. It never should have happened like this. Why, when did I fall in love with him? When had I fallen so deeply in love with him? When did my feelings for him become so strong?
I couldn't bring myself to any answer. I couldn't find any reason that made sense. Nothing made sense now. I doubted all my feelings now. I had been so sure before, but I wasn't now. What if my feelings for Inu-Yasha weren't there? What if this was all just a bad dream? Maybe I was reading a book – this wasn't me or my feelings.
I tried not to laugh; I wanted to wake up though from this bad dream. I wanted to end these horrible feelings. I couldn't love Koga. I never noticed before, so why would they come out now?
That was an obvious question with an even more obvious answer. These feelings came out now because Koga said good bye. I never noticed these feelings before because I was so blinded by my feelings for Inu-Yasha. I regretted it now. I wish Koga had known. I wish I had known. I should have paid more attention to myself and all of my feelings instead of just to the ones I wanted too.
Yes, Koga's good bye would have still hurt but it would have been more expected. Even if the hurt would have been expected, I may not have expected it like this. I would have expected something though. I would have known it would hurt somewhat.
This though, I was completely unprepared for. I swallowed hard. I had to pull myself together. Koga and Ayame were going to be happy and we would all still be friends. I didn't want to ruin that for them, or for our friendship.
I knew now of my feelings, even if it was too late. I knew of them now and now I had to be strong. I had to work through them so I too could find the happiness I wanted with Inu-Yasha. I wanted to be okay and even though it hurt, I knew I would be okay. It would just take awhile. I would go through a lot, there was still a lot that I would go through, but in the end I knew that I would be okay. I didn't have to be afraid because I wasn't alone. Maybe Sango and I could talk it all over. She was the best person to go to for girl things.
A small smile crossed my face for the first time since Koga left. I was sure that after a while I would be okay again. Koga was my friend and I was happy for him. I learned a lot from this. I learned to keep my heart open and to not hide my feelings from myself. Yes, it would hurt to be let go for someone else, but I was going to be okay. I had my friends with me. I had Inu-Yasha with me.
I knew now, that I would be okay.