To the Feelings
A Draco and Hermione one-shot
Across the hall, I dare not speak. She's not one like me. She hangs with the Potter and all of his friends. She's not like me. Her talent unbelievable, even I was surprised but I try so desperately to remember that she's not like me.
Her voice like a whisper, so soft and so pure – I wish she would speak to me. I should know better now though. I've been told over and over. She's not like me and she never will be. A pure blood, I am, it's something she's not. She's born of muggles but she's better then the rest. There's no spell she hasn't tried and done it perfectly on the first try.
I've been a fool all this time, but it's too late to go back now. I've already done too much to simply make amends. These days when I see her studying alone I wish so badly that I could change what I've done. Life's not like that though, sometimes apologizes aren't worth enough. At times, when you want to go back, you remember you can't. Magic can help you, there's no doubt to that, but it is wrong. Such use of magic is not allowed. One can not go back and change the past for even that could change the future and even change the present.
I bow my head and look away. I shouldn't stare like that getting lost so deeply in my own thoughts. I needed to concentrate on what was important. Things my father told me were important. I had a job to do and no one could know of it. I couldn't waste my time standing here and staring at her.
I wanted to though. In those four words all other thoughts ceased. It didn't matter what job I had to do. I would get it done later. It didn't matter what my father had taught me. I didn't care about what I had known for so long. None of that mattered to me when I saw her. She was more beautiful, more perfect then anyone or anything else could ever be. I wanted so badly to tell her, but I never did. I never would.
She didn't like me that way. Her feelings were only meant for one, someone who now didn't know of her feelings for him. Sadly, that person was not me. I wanted it to be, yes, but there is a difference between wants and desires and reality and truth. I had to understand, I had to face the fact that she didn't have any feelings for me. At least not the same feelings I had for her.
Maybe one day I'd find someone too, someone special to me like he is to you. For now though, I have feelings only for you. I had nothing else that meant so much to me like you do. You mean more to me then anyone else right now and I wished so badly that you would see that. I knew though that I was asking for far too much.
It was too late to take things back. Too late to try and apologizes though my pride would never let me. I was just like they said, selfish and self centered. I knew that very well but that was never meant to make it seem like it was okay. I wanted to change, to make her happy. I wanted her to smile for me, only for me. My dreams and desires were set to high though. Her heart was taken by someone else. She had already willingly given it away and even I could not take them back.
Sitting here now I wonder how things might have been different if I had started out Potter and I'd relationship differently. If we had become friend – though I did not want that – maybe it would have gotten me closer to her. That was something I wanted much more then anything else.
Still, I reminded myself again, that it was too late for that. I had to stay away from thinking things like that. I had to try and see things the way they should be seen. I needed to see the now instead of the then. The past wasn't coming back and I had no second chance. This is how it was and it wasn't going to change.
I told myself this over and over but still it never seemed to make it through. I'd listen and agree to every word I told myself but it never changed a thing. I still thought back wanting to change the past; I still came here to watch her study, I still thought of her more then I wanted too. Nothing could change that right now, nothing I said or did could ever change any of this. It didn't matter how badly I wanted things to change, that didn't change anything for real. It was merely an unspoken desire of my heart.
I never realized till now how silly I sound, speaking of love and regrets that I really shouldn't have. It's unlike me, or unlike the cold, selfish, cruel, and self centered person everyone knows me as.
This had to stop and it would one day. Even I knew that much. I'd sit here for now, but the end was drawing near and in this end, I would never see her again. She would cease to be anything more then a memory. That's how it was meant to be. Even I would have to face the last day and watch her leave. Even I would have to face the end to the point where I would know that she had gone away from me. She would go to a world to where we would never speak, nor talk and I could not watch her anymore. She would be happy, I believe, with him. She wanted to be with him.
I stood up and left my book in my hand. She did not look back and for now, neither did I.