Shitty Misconceptions.
By IsNotSane.
isnotsane@hotmail.com
1x2. Duo's POV.
Warnings: So far, there is Shounen-ai/Yaoi, language, angst, strong references to NCS (nothin graphic), Duo accusations, and not very nice and misinformed other pilots... although, they get better in the next chapters. Enjoy!
Note: This fic is archived at my site, Lover not a Fighter. Yes, I know the first title was 'Disturbing Misconceptions', but I had to G-rate it. I'm rating this chapter R, cause there aint nothin graphic, just bad language, but future chapters may be rated NC-17. Which means I wont be able to include it on ff.net. if that happens, I'll let you know, and you can just go to my site! =)
PLEASE R&R .it'll help future chapters exist quicker.
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Shitty Misconceptions. Part 1.
There is only one word that can describe my current life; shit. Shit, shitty, shit-filled... just... altogether shit. Well. okay, so my life has pretty much always been shit. but in the crap, low, pathetic way. Now, however, my life is *just* shit. Dammit.
And if you need anymore proof, just look at me now; sitting naked, shivering and curled-up in a dinky little bath-tub for the last. what? Hour? Maybe two... I'm not exactly sure, I've been too preoccupied self- loathing over how shitty my life is that I haven't been paying attention to time.
Yeah, I know I'm pathetic. Sue me.
Once again, I look to the locked bathroom door when I hear quiet footsteps on the other side. I'm sure the others think I can't hear them when they came around every few dozen minutes, but living on the streets of a very disfunctional, low and dangerous colony all your life, you tend to learn how to strain your hearing as much as possible for caution reasons.
I'm not sure which pilot it is... probably Quatre. Maybe he isn't the only one that keeps coming up here... But I wouldn't know. I just make sure to make a few noticeable splashing sounds whenever they pass by to presumably check-up on me. That way they would be sure that I haven't done... anything drastic.
My skin is all wrinkled from just sitting in this tub for so long, but I don't care. I'm much more content to just sit here and rock back and fro as I try to deal with the pain, rather than going out and confronting the others again. I hate to admit it, but I don't think I could deal with them right now.
...Confused right about now? You probably should be, I ain't exactly making much sense. Well then, I think I should maybe start from the beginning.
Okay, I was born at a very young age... naw, just kiddin'. I didn't mean from the VERY beginning. Actually, this *little* ordeal started... about a week ago, when the other four pilots and I got a mission together. The mission required 'special preparation and planning' before we actually went and did it (yeah, right). So, that meant that we all had to share a safe- house together.
I'll admit, I was actually somewhat excited for an opportunity like this, to spend time with the other pilots, together under the same roof for just over a week. I thought... ya know, we would be able to, like, bond or something. Well, the idea *sounded* good before I settled in. Its just that... you know, we are all Gundam pilots; the rebels of space, isolated from civilization, each fighting for the same purpose. I dunno, I guess I just thought we could at least work up that 'special comrade friendship' you hear so much about soldiers who fought in the war together. I guess that... was just an idle little fantasy...
Anyway, this was actually the first time I would share a safe-house with any of the other pilots. Yeah, I've been on missions with most of them before, fought side-by-side with them, even shared the same OZ cell with Heero and Wuffers when I let myself get captured (or at least, that's how I like to look at it). But, can you believe it, I've never had the privilege to actually share a safe-house with any of them... and I just couldn't help but feel somewhat excited. Stupid, stupid me.
I've been able to interact with each of the guys on different occasions, and was easily able to get a sense of their personality. Of who each of them were.
So, when I had arrived at the safe-house (fashionably late as usual), I was pretty much... confused.
I have always been able to pick up on... the little things, the little aspects of every persons' behavior that made-up their character. I blame that on living on L2 streets again. And of course, from what little time I had spent with the other teens, they were also no exception to my little ability. So, it just struck me as... odd and unexpected at how the guys were acting. All of them. They were acting weird... different around me. Like they suddenly all decided to snob me or something.
Well, okay, I'm not being entirely fair. Quatre at least *tried* to act normal around me. Quatre has always been the nice, kind and helpful sort of person; even around me. He still talked to me, and offered his usual help and assistance as he always did... but Quatre is not a very good liar. Geez... I would hate to see the poor guy playing in a game of poker.
I was able to notice the awkward, uncomfortable state he would always sport whenever I walked into the same room. I tried to lighten the mood up with pointless jokes and harmless mock flirting, but it just seemed to make matters worse... which I didn't understand since I was just being my normal self.
Then there was Wufei. I've always known Wu is big on honor and self- discipline and shit... therefore, never entirely liked me. And he always seemed to be mad or angry about something or rather... but GODS! After I had arrived that first day, he was giving me SUCH a cold-shoulder... I thought I would die of hypothermia or something if I got too close to him! Man... the hate vibes coming from that dude was warning enough for me to wisely decide I should give him his own space. Just stay away...
Then Trowa. Now, I know Trowa isn't one for much words... he is usually stoic, quiet and impassive. But he would at least regard me in some way and do some small, kind gestures every now and then. But since my arrival, he had just been completely unresponsive to me, and just kept eyeing me intently... almost suspiciously. That bugged me.
And who did that leave? The last but definitely not least, the oh-so- perfect soldier, Heero Yuy. Man... Heero. I thought that he - by what he seemed - was a type of guy who wouldn't ever give a damn about anyone. That... had felt oddly reassuring. To know he wouldn't do so much as lift an eyebrow in acknowledgement to anyone... despite their... pasts. Okay, so I had a crush on him. Stupid and childish, I know. Sue me.
But I guess I was wrong about him, too. From that day on, he always gave me the strangest glares that made me feel so low. like I just kicked an injured little puppy... right into the path of a speeding truck... then stomped on it happily once it was flattened. Ouch. That, as well as these sometimes almost... curious glances from him when he probably thought I wouldn't be able to notice. Those made me wonder.
That first day, I had tried to pull whatever I could from my sleeves to brighten up the awkward atmosphere... but it seemed I must have been wearing a sleeve-less shirt then, 'cause nothing was working. And I was utterly confused as to why.
But then, on the fourth day - don't ask me how - I worked it out. And everything made sense. I may have never spent any time in a safe-house with the other pilots before, but I still knew the unofficial procedures. The others would have gone through my files/records before everything was set up. When I realized, it seemed so totally obvious I almost literally kicked myself.
'Fucking bloody shit' was my very first thought. I never cared to bother with the files, but the others unfortunately weren't the type to not follow extra precaution procedures. Dammit.
As soon as I had figured it out, I had retreated to my assigned room, deciding not to continue to bother the others with my presence... and they hadn't even called me for dinner. Not that I had much of an appetite.
As realization dawned on me, I felt so... stupid. They knew that I had been a worthless thief and homeless street-rat on L2. I fucking hate my past. I never intended for them to find out. Man, I knew this would happen if they did.
I don't know *why* exactly it got to me so much... I guess because I thought they would have understood a little more. I mean, who are they to think stereotypically? They are soldiers in the war after all... and no one but those who are directly involved in the war know that all the war- stereotypes are just... well, stereotypes. The war is completely different than what people who aren't fighting in it would believe.
It was the same with homeless L2 street-rats like me... they come with stereotypes.
Well, dammed if they WEREN'T true, but... there were reasons behind them... reasons that upper classed people, or even people that just lived on other colonies or the earth will always fail to see; to understand. Like they would even want to. Most, if not all people weren't even willing to give people like me a chance... and believe you me, I definitely have first-hand experience with that.
If it weren't for Professor G's risk-taking, I would never have been able to make it as a Gundam pilot. None of the other scientists liked me... no one did, dammit. Everyone had this odd picture of L2 in their minds... especially when it came to street-rats like me. They think street-walkers, hookers and prostitutes. As well as thievery, sex and sluts. A lot of immoral, dirty and illegal things. I knew that's how the guys saw me as after they red my dammed file. Not all of it was true, or not in the way they thought... but it wasn't like I would be able to get that through to them without risking a total break-down on my behalf.
I *knew* I should have deleted my files when I had the chance, but G had insisted I keep them. Said they were crucial to back-up my position, identity and existence. I'm begging to regret my earlier decision to take his advice and leave my files. I'm so stupid.
Anyways, getting back to the story; I had pretty much kept my distance from the others for their benefit. The next few days, I had regularly claimed to not be hungry when meals were served, and just ate the leftovers when they had all finished and retreated from the kitchen. I had spent most of my spare time in my assigned room or outside, away from the others. It was damn boring, but I don't think Quatre would have been up to a conversation. I think they all secretly appreciated my isolation.
And even through all that, I had stupidly let myself hold onto the hope that maybe the pilots would eventually mellow somewhat and we could all begin to start spending time with each other again...
Guess my little fantasized hope was just that... a hope. Nothing more. Infact, it turned out quite the opposite. Yup, definitely shitty.
Yesterday evening, it was finally time for our mission. We don't just sit around in a safe-house for a week without reason, ya know. Yup, there was a reason.
It had surprised me a little to find that when we were making our moves to the OZ secret facility we were steaking out, that the others were treating me just as they always had during a mission. They were all on soldier mode... no time available to waste thinking about the misinformed pasts of a particular colleague. I guess that's what had highlighted my hope. I guess I thought maybe they had thought about it and decided... to just treat me like Duo again. Not a nothing street thief from L2. I really can't believe how stupid I could get... its begging to get embarrassing. I see now that they were probably just too preoccupied by their objective to remember to hate me. Besides, they had needed me for this particular mission... that is, after all, why I was in a safe-house with them.
It was *meant* to be a relatively uncomplicated mission. Just some simple sabotage and infiltration to the facility's main systems... corruption is great. But the damn OZ troops had to choose *that* day of all days to have an emergency enemy drill. Ironic, dontchya think?
Blah blah blah... to skip all the unimportant gore-ish side details, we were captured. Yeah, captured... all of us. Thrown with our hands cuffed behind our backs into a small locked-off cell with hardly any lighting and no windows. Apparently, OZ must have been tipped-off by someone, 'cause the shackles on Heero were made out of pure Gundanium alloy. Wasn't that just perfect?
We had waited in the cell for... hours. I'm not sure exactly how much time passed, but I predict it was pretty damn long. The guys just tried to quietly think of a plan to escape. None of the suggested methods seemed to work, and I just kept my mouth shut. I knew there would be no way out unless they gave us an opportunity of some sort by mistake that we would be able to exploit. So until then, we just had to wait.
Sure enough, they had eventually made that mistake. The locked and only door - heavy duty and reinforced, might I add - finally opened and a big, gruff looking man stepped in with a hand riffle pointed straight at us. His silhouette was emphasized by the glow of the light spilling from the open door behind him; which somehow made him look more intimidating than necessary.
He knew what he had come for, I could tell that much; 'cause as soon as he entered, his gaze was on me. I don't think the others could tell, but that big guy had a very... unappealing look in his eyes. I quickly recognized it, the familiar and deadly look of frustrated lust. He walked his big, intimidating-soldier walk toward me, and I fought the urge to cower at the man's obvious strength.
He leaned down to grab me, and it was all I could do not to roll my eyes. I knew what was coming, but I was pretty damn sure there was no stopping it. I heard Quatre gasp from somewhere beside me as the OZ dude grabbed my biceps and hauled me to my feet; and for the first time since, like... ever, I was actually thankful for my beautifying looks. My damn face seemed to always attract people, like... flies to manure, or something. And I had always despised it, 'cause when on L2... being a good-looking street-rat was not a good thing. It meant a lot of pain... and I knew that unfortunately, it wasn't over yet... since we had to get captured.
But... if this man was so desperate for some sex, I'm glad it had to be me out of the other four. They may not think very highly of me... okay, so they hate me... but they were alright guys. None of them, I can tell, has ever been... rapped before (I hate using that word); but I've learnt how to handle... those type of situations... so it just made sense. I didn't even want to imagine poor, innocent Quatre being forced flat on the ground and having his clothes unwillingly torn off from his fragile body. I don't think he could ever survive something like that... if not physically, then surely mentally. I bet he wasn't even able to guess what was about to happen to me. I don't think any of them would have.
As the man was dragging me out, I saw Wufei and Heero glare at me. A warning. They must have thought I was going to be interrogated. Stupid fools.
Well, anyway... I was right. The man from OZ did end up raping the hell out of me... and by Gods, he was HUGE. I thought I was being torn apart and into shreds just by that disgusting organ penetrating my poor body. It was an agonizingly painful experience, but I had forced myself to concentrate, stay focused. It seemed to last forever, but he eventually came inside of me. Eww...
Now, here comes the disturbingly benefiting part. Having to *need* an escape root from all those bastards on L2, I knew just what to do. The 'rapist' always thought that I would be too hurt and exhausted to pretty much do anything after their... actions. But little did they know that I, disturbingly, was... accustomed to... this kind of treatment. The whole time, I just play along. Scream a little, struggle, before making like I give up and just go limp... even fake cry a little. All of them get fooled by 'vulnerability' act, and are too distracted right after an... orgasm to even comprehend that I would attempt an escape.
Fools.
That was their week spot; and if the circumstances weren't so... weird, I'm sure Wufei would be proud of me for finding it.
Well, anyway, to make a long story short; I was able to take the buff OZ soldier down... with a little more difficulty than I preferred, but I had managed to do so without any alarms going off or back-up soldiers raiding me. After that, it was stealing his uniform, taking his key-card and gun, and trying to stay as inconspicuous as possible... it would have been a lot easier if the uniform wasn't, like, 50 sizes too big; or my identifiable braid would just stay put under the shirt I wore instead of constantly swaying out and about with every freaking step I made.
Oh well... what can you do?
I was somehow able to find the mother computer system without too much incident. I didn't even have to fire a shot. It took me a while to break the security code - I wasn't as experienced with hacking computers as the others were - and was thankful I had decided to take the time to secure and trap that big OZ rapist - which I had deemed unconscious - to a built-in pipe using his own cuffs. Ha, go me.
When I finally got into the system, it was easy to set the locks to electronically disable; aswell as most of the other main systems to shut down automatically. All on a set time.
Hn. Guess I was able to complete the mission all by myself, aswell as rescue the others. I thought that that would HAVE to earn me some good- points with the guys for sure... hmm...
I gave myself enough time before the systems began to malfunction and shut- down that I could sneak back to the destination of the prisoner cells, then silently take down the two soldiers guarding it, before fleeing to the opposite end of the facility.
I knew it wasn't long before the two soldiers were found and the systems would begin to go hey-wire; so I got to my desired destination (a transporting unit away from the easy exits and prisoner cells) as fast as I could... without getting shot.
I had just a few seconds left before all hell would break loose, when I was able to shoot a fuel tank from a good distance, and caused a pretty big and colorful explosion to erupt. It was a distraction, so I knew I wouldn't have to worry about the others. When the locks would disable, I took the time to add a little message reading "RUN 4 IT GUYS, I'LL KETCHUP. -02" in that little area for that digital writing that normally says "PLEASE INSET SECURITY CODE". I knew they would get it.
After that, it was a whole lot of shooting, shots and bullets as I returned fire and ran as fast as I could to the vehicle hanger while trying to avoid getting shot. I had somehow and miraculously managed to hot-wire a jeep and was ready to go with only a gash on my right bicep and shoulder blade where a couple of bullets had thankfully only grazed my skin. But apart from that, I was basically fine. So I quickly hit the acceleration and took off, figuring the guys would have been outta there by now. I felt fortunate that we hadn't had brought our Gundams along for this mission, 'cause I don't think I woulda managed to get in and then out of there in time.
I sped outta there, shooting a few extra shots for caution before I was gone, through the disabled hanger exit and into the quickly darkening day. I didn't see any of the other pilots as I left, but I hadn't expected to.
When I was certain I wasn't being followed OZ, I drove to an isolated spot - a large forest area by our safe-house we were staying at. I would be able to discard the OZ vehicle there and probably blow it up later. I noticed another discarded OZ jeep and thought I spotted another empty vehicle in the distance as I parked, jumped out and made my way through the trees.
As I sped-walked back to the house, I realized I was feeling pretty good about myself. I had managed, somehow, to be the hero this time and rescue the others; aswell as complete the now-seemingly-simple mission of sabotage and corruption. I had messed-up the computers and systems so bad, that I don't think we would have to worry about that particular OZ facility ever again. Although, we still had to stay at the safe-house for a few days, and check back at the facility to be sure the mission was indeed successful, then destroy any evidence.
I was so diluted by my little victory and the adrenaline rush, that I even forgot about all the pain I was in. maybe the guys would have gained enough respect for me that they would atleast help me take care of my injuries... I figure it would be kinda difficult to bandage my own arm and back with just my left arm available.
As soon as I reached the small two-story building, I entered through the kitchen door, deciding to keep on the OZ uniform since my usual clothes were torn into pieces. I was still so proud and focused on my victory that I didn't notice the almost eerie and awkward silence the lounge held... that, aswell as the other pilots.
Umm... this is kinda the part that... pooped my party... so to speak. Once I had entered the lounge, the other pilots were all there and apparently awaiting my arrival. But instead of looking proud or grateful that I had accomplished the mission AND saved their hides, they all seemed pretty... grim. Gave off a pretty unpleasant atmosphere, which, for like the hundredth time that week, made me confused.
As I walked into the room, four sets of eyes went straight to me. Wufei was dangerously glaring while Quatre looked... worried. And I'm sure I looked pretty stupidly confused. Even Heero - the only one not standing but seated on the couch - looked a little... not happy. I think I liked it better when they were all in soldier mode.
I suddenly became paranoid, thinking 'oh-oh, I've probably messed somethin up!', which wouldn't be too unusual for me. The thick tension the silence held was getting to me, and so I finally decided to break it.
"Ahh... guys? What's up? Mission accomplished, right?" I asked... almost hesitant to do so, incase I really DID mess something up. Wufei somehow managed to even further narrow his eyes at me in a deadly way, before speaking.
"Yes, Maxwell. The mission was... successful." He said sourly. I frowned at that... if the mission was all good, then why act this way? I didn't understand.
"Then... why so grim?" I asked, and attempted to scratch the back of my head, but instantly regretted it as I realized lifting my arm upset my wounds. Lowering my arm back down, I tried not to wince... I felt that right then was not the best time to show weakness. I noticed that my small action earned me a concerned frown from Quat, an unreadable frown from Heero and Trowa, and a worsened glare from Wu. Okay... definitely confused.
"Because, MAXWELL, your... *methods* in which to accomplish this mission were... unacceptable."
Thinking about it now, I could just kick myself at how I just stared at him dumbly.
"Wha... ?"
"Don't play dumb, Maxwell. Your actions could have easily put the mission and the rest of us in jepordy!"
"Come on, Wufei," Quatre's soft and almost upset-sounding voice interjected, and so I turned my confused gaze to him, "I'm sure Duo just had everything planned. so we could complete the mission and get out of there. I mean, he wouldn't have... " He trailed off, sounding unsure. I just stood and blinked at them, completely dumbfounded as to what the hell they were talking about. I decided to voice this, seeing how I would probably just get more confused if I didn't.
"Umm... what are you guys goin' on about?"
Wufei sighed frustratingly then, closing his eyes in what I guessed was irritation... although I had no idea why. Trowa seemed to let out a sigh as well, but it was much smaller and quiet. He moved to the lounge's small coffee table; which I just noticed then was stacked with a small pile of papers and files. He grabbed the piece that was resting on the top, then walked in front of Wufei so he could hold up the paper before me to see.
I blinked and tilted my head at the black, white and gray picture... not at first comprehending of what exactly the piece being held in front of me was. It looked to be a printed out, almost unclear photo or security camera shot... and then, after a second of examination, I realized what it was.
The fuzzy picture must have been a shot taken from one of the security cameras in the room that bastard OZ soldier had dragged me to then... did me over.
I grabbed the picture from Trowa, and starred at it with wide eyes. There, on that printed out camera shot, was a gray, naked me with a bigger, well- muscled OZ soldier in the process of pounding into me. Now that I *knew* what I was looking at, the actions transpiring in the picture spoke for themselves, as to what was going on. It looked pretty obvious, and it would have been easy for the guys to have figured out what was happening... or so I thought.
I looked back up at the young pilots; Trowa had stepped back and so I was staring wide-eyed into Wufei's angry glare.
"How did... ?" I blinked stupidly at him, wanting to ask how they had acquired this particular shot; but my throat suddenly felt dry - like I would start coughing if I attempted any further words. Wufei seemed to understand... either that, or he had planned to cut me off anyway.
"We passed one of the insignificant surveillance rooms as we were escaping," he explained bluntly, "Because the main systems had corrupted-" ...by me, thank you very much... "the screens were frozen on various parts of the security disks. We decided we'd have time to quickly print out a few incase of future references. Then, we came across this..." Wufei snatched the photo from me and held it up in front of my face.
I could feel the blood rush up to my cheeks as I blushed... I had never intended them to find out. And now that they had... I wouldn't even know how to explain it to them. I *really* didn't want them to see weakness in me, and I felt my throat dry even more at just the thought of trying to talk now. I was meant to be a Gundam pilot... Gundam pilots don't... get raped. Were they... disgusted, aswell as angry? ...Most likely. What if they didn't want me to work with them anymore? What if they didn't even want to look at me anymore?
Hundreds of insecure questions were racing through my mind, and I opened my mouth, about to try atleast some form of an explanation, but Wufei spoke up first, sounding pretty disgusted and mad.
"Having sex with the... *enemy* is definitely an *inappropriate* method to achieve the mission's goal. Not to mention foolish and dishonorable. Did you not even think about all the advantages OZ would be able to gain from that?? Pure stupidity!"
... Wait, huh? That's... not right... they thought...! Yes, they did. They must have *really* thought that low of me to come up with that. I... couldn't believe what Wufei had just implied. I at first got confused at what he had just accused, before I got angry at the allegation.
"You... " I stared at him with questioning, confused eyes, "You thought I... had *sex* with him??" I could feel my expression changing to display my hurt. I turned to look at the others, looking at them at the same questioning way. "You... you guys think that, too? You think I... Gods..."
Trowa and Quatre were looking back at me with guilty expressions. Heero remained the same, but Wufei had crossed his arms and was looking at me as if he was gloating about him being right... which he wasn't.
"Duo... we have the photo." Trowa reminded me.
Quatre tried to excuse me, speaking with a hopeful tone in his voice as he asked me "But, it was planned out, right? I mean, you knew you would have to do that in order to finish the mission... right...?"
I just stared at him, trying desperately to not get emotional. I couldn't believe them... how could they ever even suggest a thing like that? I may have grown up on the streets of L2, but... that didn't mean I would degrade myself to that level... I mean, come on, with the *enemy*??? Who did they think I was? Apparently, not what I hoped they would. Guess it was true. I guess they are just the same as everyone else, Gundam pilots or not.
I had baled my hands into tight fists as I resisted the urge to... scream, or punch, or cry, or something. I could feel them shake with my mental restraint, and decided I had better just leave before I would do or say something I would regret. Instead, I just settled for choking out "You bastards", my voice sounding shaky, before turning around and trying to make my way to the stairs without doing anything else. I... needed to get upstairs... and fix myself up. The pain was making its way back to me, now that my adrenaline rush had ended, and it was coming with a vengeance.
Before I had a chance to make my way even two steps up the staircase, though, Wufei's sour voice stopped me.
"Don't blame us for your dirty act, Maxwell. Having sex with the enemy will not be taken lightly."
It was all I could do not to erupt with anger right there and then. Wufei was such a... pig headed *bastard*. I wanted to just swear and curse till I couldn't breath anymore at him, at the others... I wanted to cry at the such little faith they had in me... even after we've been fighting side by side together. I wanted to just... wither and die. I suddenly felt so betrayed. I was on their side, but they were treating as if I was no better than a lowly pathetic enemy. And I hated them for that... almost as much as I hated myself for letting myself believe in a stupid hope that they could be anything different.
I was suddenly grateful that I had made it a couple of steps up the stairs, 'cause I didn't feel like looking up to them at that moment. (Being the smallest can have its sucky moments).
"I didn't have sex with him, you *dick*, he fucking *raped* me!" I clarified with no small amount of venom in my voice. I could see the shocked expressions of realization come to there faces after a second of comprehending, and even Heero looked... somewhat shocked. So they never even thought of that being a possibility... figures. Before I could see any of their further reactions, though, I quickly climbed the rest of the stairs. The pain was coming with full force now... more my throbbing and aching behind rather then the two gashes on my right side. So much for the others helping me with my injuries...
I quickly made a stop at my room, grabbing some fresh clothes, since my former pair was unjustly destroyed. I made a mental note to make a quick stop at L2 to get another priest attire sometime. I then made my way to the bathroom, trying to rid myself of the too big OZ uniform on the way. Once shed, I discarded the despised material on the floor outside the bathroom door before going in and firmly locking the door behind me. I threw my good clothes in a corner before moving to the tub and turning on the water; adjusting the tap with shaky hands until the water was as hot as I could stand, and then slowly got in.
That, basically, brings us to the here and now, and how I had become this way... a broken heap of abused Duo rocking back and forth in a tub filled with quickly reddening water as I try to deal with the pain the only way I ever knew how to. By myself.
I guess the warm water helped to ease the pain somewhat... but not by much. I knew from experience that it would feel pretty bad until the pain dulls and dies down in a couple of days, more or less. I also knew that now that I have cleaned my gashes from those bullets, I should wrap them up with gauze and antibiotic cream, but I just cant get myself to build up the strength or will to get out of this big, almost relaxing tub.
I guess that was it. I let myself believe in a false hope, just to have it thrown back in my face. I guess I should have expected that. Who the hell was I to assume this time would be different? That these guys would be different? Me and my stupid deluded fantasies, my stupid hopes, and my stupid crush on one Heero Yuy.
They're no different from the rest. So, I guess I'm on my own once again.
Though, it would have been really nice if someone, just once, would understand... maybe even give me a chance.
What a shitty life.
TBC.
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So, whadidya think? Good? bad? What? PLEASE tell me!
For those of you who are, don't worry. The other pilots don't stay bastards. yes, not even Wufei. I know he can be a little arrogant and inconsiderate sometimes. but I still love him! ^_^
Reviews are very much greatly appreciated and will help further chapters come sooner...!!! Flames are also welcome.
By IsNotSane.
isnotsane@hotmail.com
1x2. Duo's POV.
Warnings: So far, there is Shounen-ai/Yaoi, language, angst, strong references to NCS (nothin graphic), Duo accusations, and not very nice and misinformed other pilots... although, they get better in the next chapters. Enjoy!
Note: This fic is archived at my site, Lover not a Fighter. Yes, I know the first title was 'Disturbing Misconceptions', but I had to G-rate it. I'm rating this chapter R, cause there aint nothin graphic, just bad language, but future chapters may be rated NC-17. Which means I wont be able to include it on ff.net. if that happens, I'll let you know, and you can just go to my site! =)
PLEASE R&R .it'll help future chapters exist quicker.
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Shitty Misconceptions. Part 1.
There is only one word that can describe my current life; shit. Shit, shitty, shit-filled... just... altogether shit. Well. okay, so my life has pretty much always been shit. but in the crap, low, pathetic way. Now, however, my life is *just* shit. Dammit.
And if you need anymore proof, just look at me now; sitting naked, shivering and curled-up in a dinky little bath-tub for the last. what? Hour? Maybe two... I'm not exactly sure, I've been too preoccupied self- loathing over how shitty my life is that I haven't been paying attention to time.
Yeah, I know I'm pathetic. Sue me.
Once again, I look to the locked bathroom door when I hear quiet footsteps on the other side. I'm sure the others think I can't hear them when they came around every few dozen minutes, but living on the streets of a very disfunctional, low and dangerous colony all your life, you tend to learn how to strain your hearing as much as possible for caution reasons.
I'm not sure which pilot it is... probably Quatre. Maybe he isn't the only one that keeps coming up here... But I wouldn't know. I just make sure to make a few noticeable splashing sounds whenever they pass by to presumably check-up on me. That way they would be sure that I haven't done... anything drastic.
My skin is all wrinkled from just sitting in this tub for so long, but I don't care. I'm much more content to just sit here and rock back and fro as I try to deal with the pain, rather than going out and confronting the others again. I hate to admit it, but I don't think I could deal with them right now.
...Confused right about now? You probably should be, I ain't exactly making much sense. Well then, I think I should maybe start from the beginning.
Okay, I was born at a very young age... naw, just kiddin'. I didn't mean from the VERY beginning. Actually, this *little* ordeal started... about a week ago, when the other four pilots and I got a mission together. The mission required 'special preparation and planning' before we actually went and did it (yeah, right). So, that meant that we all had to share a safe- house together.
I'll admit, I was actually somewhat excited for an opportunity like this, to spend time with the other pilots, together under the same roof for just over a week. I thought... ya know, we would be able to, like, bond or something. Well, the idea *sounded* good before I settled in. Its just that... you know, we are all Gundam pilots; the rebels of space, isolated from civilization, each fighting for the same purpose. I dunno, I guess I just thought we could at least work up that 'special comrade friendship' you hear so much about soldiers who fought in the war together. I guess that... was just an idle little fantasy...
Anyway, this was actually the first time I would share a safe-house with any of the other pilots. Yeah, I've been on missions with most of them before, fought side-by-side with them, even shared the same OZ cell with Heero and Wuffers when I let myself get captured (or at least, that's how I like to look at it). But, can you believe it, I've never had the privilege to actually share a safe-house with any of them... and I just couldn't help but feel somewhat excited. Stupid, stupid me.
I've been able to interact with each of the guys on different occasions, and was easily able to get a sense of their personality. Of who each of them were.
So, when I had arrived at the safe-house (fashionably late as usual), I was pretty much... confused.
I have always been able to pick up on... the little things, the little aspects of every persons' behavior that made-up their character. I blame that on living on L2 streets again. And of course, from what little time I had spent with the other teens, they were also no exception to my little ability. So, it just struck me as... odd and unexpected at how the guys were acting. All of them. They were acting weird... different around me. Like they suddenly all decided to snob me or something.
Well, okay, I'm not being entirely fair. Quatre at least *tried* to act normal around me. Quatre has always been the nice, kind and helpful sort of person; even around me. He still talked to me, and offered his usual help and assistance as he always did... but Quatre is not a very good liar. Geez... I would hate to see the poor guy playing in a game of poker.
I was able to notice the awkward, uncomfortable state he would always sport whenever I walked into the same room. I tried to lighten the mood up with pointless jokes and harmless mock flirting, but it just seemed to make matters worse... which I didn't understand since I was just being my normal self.
Then there was Wufei. I've always known Wu is big on honor and self- discipline and shit... therefore, never entirely liked me. And he always seemed to be mad or angry about something or rather... but GODS! After I had arrived that first day, he was giving me SUCH a cold-shoulder... I thought I would die of hypothermia or something if I got too close to him! Man... the hate vibes coming from that dude was warning enough for me to wisely decide I should give him his own space. Just stay away...
Then Trowa. Now, I know Trowa isn't one for much words... he is usually stoic, quiet and impassive. But he would at least regard me in some way and do some small, kind gestures every now and then. But since my arrival, he had just been completely unresponsive to me, and just kept eyeing me intently... almost suspiciously. That bugged me.
And who did that leave? The last but definitely not least, the oh-so- perfect soldier, Heero Yuy. Man... Heero. I thought that he - by what he seemed - was a type of guy who wouldn't ever give a damn about anyone. That... had felt oddly reassuring. To know he wouldn't do so much as lift an eyebrow in acknowledgement to anyone... despite their... pasts. Okay, so I had a crush on him. Stupid and childish, I know. Sue me.
But I guess I was wrong about him, too. From that day on, he always gave me the strangest glares that made me feel so low. like I just kicked an injured little puppy... right into the path of a speeding truck... then stomped on it happily once it was flattened. Ouch. That, as well as these sometimes almost... curious glances from him when he probably thought I wouldn't be able to notice. Those made me wonder.
That first day, I had tried to pull whatever I could from my sleeves to brighten up the awkward atmosphere... but it seemed I must have been wearing a sleeve-less shirt then, 'cause nothing was working. And I was utterly confused as to why.
But then, on the fourth day - don't ask me how - I worked it out. And everything made sense. I may have never spent any time in a safe-house with the other pilots before, but I still knew the unofficial procedures. The others would have gone through my files/records before everything was set up. When I realized, it seemed so totally obvious I almost literally kicked myself.
'Fucking bloody shit' was my very first thought. I never cared to bother with the files, but the others unfortunately weren't the type to not follow extra precaution procedures. Dammit.
As soon as I had figured it out, I had retreated to my assigned room, deciding not to continue to bother the others with my presence... and they hadn't even called me for dinner. Not that I had much of an appetite.
As realization dawned on me, I felt so... stupid. They knew that I had been a worthless thief and homeless street-rat on L2. I fucking hate my past. I never intended for them to find out. Man, I knew this would happen if they did.
I don't know *why* exactly it got to me so much... I guess because I thought they would have understood a little more. I mean, who are they to think stereotypically? They are soldiers in the war after all... and no one but those who are directly involved in the war know that all the war- stereotypes are just... well, stereotypes. The war is completely different than what people who aren't fighting in it would believe.
It was the same with homeless L2 street-rats like me... they come with stereotypes.
Well, dammed if they WEREN'T true, but... there were reasons behind them... reasons that upper classed people, or even people that just lived on other colonies or the earth will always fail to see; to understand. Like they would even want to. Most, if not all people weren't even willing to give people like me a chance... and believe you me, I definitely have first-hand experience with that.
If it weren't for Professor G's risk-taking, I would never have been able to make it as a Gundam pilot. None of the other scientists liked me... no one did, dammit. Everyone had this odd picture of L2 in their minds... especially when it came to street-rats like me. They think street-walkers, hookers and prostitutes. As well as thievery, sex and sluts. A lot of immoral, dirty and illegal things. I knew that's how the guys saw me as after they red my dammed file. Not all of it was true, or not in the way they thought... but it wasn't like I would be able to get that through to them without risking a total break-down on my behalf.
I *knew* I should have deleted my files when I had the chance, but G had insisted I keep them. Said they were crucial to back-up my position, identity and existence. I'm begging to regret my earlier decision to take his advice and leave my files. I'm so stupid.
Anyways, getting back to the story; I had pretty much kept my distance from the others for their benefit. The next few days, I had regularly claimed to not be hungry when meals were served, and just ate the leftovers when they had all finished and retreated from the kitchen. I had spent most of my spare time in my assigned room or outside, away from the others. It was damn boring, but I don't think Quatre would have been up to a conversation. I think they all secretly appreciated my isolation.
And even through all that, I had stupidly let myself hold onto the hope that maybe the pilots would eventually mellow somewhat and we could all begin to start spending time with each other again...
Guess my little fantasized hope was just that... a hope. Nothing more. Infact, it turned out quite the opposite. Yup, definitely shitty.
Yesterday evening, it was finally time for our mission. We don't just sit around in a safe-house for a week without reason, ya know. Yup, there was a reason.
It had surprised me a little to find that when we were making our moves to the OZ secret facility we were steaking out, that the others were treating me just as they always had during a mission. They were all on soldier mode... no time available to waste thinking about the misinformed pasts of a particular colleague. I guess that's what had highlighted my hope. I guess I thought maybe they had thought about it and decided... to just treat me like Duo again. Not a nothing street thief from L2. I really can't believe how stupid I could get... its begging to get embarrassing. I see now that they were probably just too preoccupied by their objective to remember to hate me. Besides, they had needed me for this particular mission... that is, after all, why I was in a safe-house with them.
It was *meant* to be a relatively uncomplicated mission. Just some simple sabotage and infiltration to the facility's main systems... corruption is great. But the damn OZ troops had to choose *that* day of all days to have an emergency enemy drill. Ironic, dontchya think?
Blah blah blah... to skip all the unimportant gore-ish side details, we were captured. Yeah, captured... all of us. Thrown with our hands cuffed behind our backs into a small locked-off cell with hardly any lighting and no windows. Apparently, OZ must have been tipped-off by someone, 'cause the shackles on Heero were made out of pure Gundanium alloy. Wasn't that just perfect?
We had waited in the cell for... hours. I'm not sure exactly how much time passed, but I predict it was pretty damn long. The guys just tried to quietly think of a plan to escape. None of the suggested methods seemed to work, and I just kept my mouth shut. I knew there would be no way out unless they gave us an opportunity of some sort by mistake that we would be able to exploit. So until then, we just had to wait.
Sure enough, they had eventually made that mistake. The locked and only door - heavy duty and reinforced, might I add - finally opened and a big, gruff looking man stepped in with a hand riffle pointed straight at us. His silhouette was emphasized by the glow of the light spilling from the open door behind him; which somehow made him look more intimidating than necessary.
He knew what he had come for, I could tell that much; 'cause as soon as he entered, his gaze was on me. I don't think the others could tell, but that big guy had a very... unappealing look in his eyes. I quickly recognized it, the familiar and deadly look of frustrated lust. He walked his big, intimidating-soldier walk toward me, and I fought the urge to cower at the man's obvious strength.
He leaned down to grab me, and it was all I could do not to roll my eyes. I knew what was coming, but I was pretty damn sure there was no stopping it. I heard Quatre gasp from somewhere beside me as the OZ dude grabbed my biceps and hauled me to my feet; and for the first time since, like... ever, I was actually thankful for my beautifying looks. My damn face seemed to always attract people, like... flies to manure, or something. And I had always despised it, 'cause when on L2... being a good-looking street-rat was not a good thing. It meant a lot of pain... and I knew that unfortunately, it wasn't over yet... since we had to get captured.
But... if this man was so desperate for some sex, I'm glad it had to be me out of the other four. They may not think very highly of me... okay, so they hate me... but they were alright guys. None of them, I can tell, has ever been... rapped before (I hate using that word); but I've learnt how to handle... those type of situations... so it just made sense. I didn't even want to imagine poor, innocent Quatre being forced flat on the ground and having his clothes unwillingly torn off from his fragile body. I don't think he could ever survive something like that... if not physically, then surely mentally. I bet he wasn't even able to guess what was about to happen to me. I don't think any of them would have.
As the man was dragging me out, I saw Wufei and Heero glare at me. A warning. They must have thought I was going to be interrogated. Stupid fools.
Well, anyway... I was right. The man from OZ did end up raping the hell out of me... and by Gods, he was HUGE. I thought I was being torn apart and into shreds just by that disgusting organ penetrating my poor body. It was an agonizingly painful experience, but I had forced myself to concentrate, stay focused. It seemed to last forever, but he eventually came inside of me. Eww...
Now, here comes the disturbingly benefiting part. Having to *need* an escape root from all those bastards on L2, I knew just what to do. The 'rapist' always thought that I would be too hurt and exhausted to pretty much do anything after their... actions. But little did they know that I, disturbingly, was... accustomed to... this kind of treatment. The whole time, I just play along. Scream a little, struggle, before making like I give up and just go limp... even fake cry a little. All of them get fooled by 'vulnerability' act, and are too distracted right after an... orgasm to even comprehend that I would attempt an escape.
Fools.
That was their week spot; and if the circumstances weren't so... weird, I'm sure Wufei would be proud of me for finding it.
Well, anyway, to make a long story short; I was able to take the buff OZ soldier down... with a little more difficulty than I preferred, but I had managed to do so without any alarms going off or back-up soldiers raiding me. After that, it was stealing his uniform, taking his key-card and gun, and trying to stay as inconspicuous as possible... it would have been a lot easier if the uniform wasn't, like, 50 sizes too big; or my identifiable braid would just stay put under the shirt I wore instead of constantly swaying out and about with every freaking step I made.
Oh well... what can you do?
I was somehow able to find the mother computer system without too much incident. I didn't even have to fire a shot. It took me a while to break the security code - I wasn't as experienced with hacking computers as the others were - and was thankful I had decided to take the time to secure and trap that big OZ rapist - which I had deemed unconscious - to a built-in pipe using his own cuffs. Ha, go me.
When I finally got into the system, it was easy to set the locks to electronically disable; aswell as most of the other main systems to shut down automatically. All on a set time.
Hn. Guess I was able to complete the mission all by myself, aswell as rescue the others. I thought that that would HAVE to earn me some good- points with the guys for sure... hmm...
I gave myself enough time before the systems began to malfunction and shut- down that I could sneak back to the destination of the prisoner cells, then silently take down the two soldiers guarding it, before fleeing to the opposite end of the facility.
I knew it wasn't long before the two soldiers were found and the systems would begin to go hey-wire; so I got to my desired destination (a transporting unit away from the easy exits and prisoner cells) as fast as I could... without getting shot.
I had just a few seconds left before all hell would break loose, when I was able to shoot a fuel tank from a good distance, and caused a pretty big and colorful explosion to erupt. It was a distraction, so I knew I wouldn't have to worry about the others. When the locks would disable, I took the time to add a little message reading "RUN 4 IT GUYS, I'LL KETCHUP. -02" in that little area for that digital writing that normally says "PLEASE INSET SECURITY CODE". I knew they would get it.
After that, it was a whole lot of shooting, shots and bullets as I returned fire and ran as fast as I could to the vehicle hanger while trying to avoid getting shot. I had somehow and miraculously managed to hot-wire a jeep and was ready to go with only a gash on my right bicep and shoulder blade where a couple of bullets had thankfully only grazed my skin. But apart from that, I was basically fine. So I quickly hit the acceleration and took off, figuring the guys would have been outta there by now. I felt fortunate that we hadn't had brought our Gundams along for this mission, 'cause I don't think I woulda managed to get in and then out of there in time.
I sped outta there, shooting a few extra shots for caution before I was gone, through the disabled hanger exit and into the quickly darkening day. I didn't see any of the other pilots as I left, but I hadn't expected to.
When I was certain I wasn't being followed OZ, I drove to an isolated spot - a large forest area by our safe-house we were staying at. I would be able to discard the OZ vehicle there and probably blow it up later. I noticed another discarded OZ jeep and thought I spotted another empty vehicle in the distance as I parked, jumped out and made my way through the trees.
As I sped-walked back to the house, I realized I was feeling pretty good about myself. I had managed, somehow, to be the hero this time and rescue the others; aswell as complete the now-seemingly-simple mission of sabotage and corruption. I had messed-up the computers and systems so bad, that I don't think we would have to worry about that particular OZ facility ever again. Although, we still had to stay at the safe-house for a few days, and check back at the facility to be sure the mission was indeed successful, then destroy any evidence.
I was so diluted by my little victory and the adrenaline rush, that I even forgot about all the pain I was in. maybe the guys would have gained enough respect for me that they would atleast help me take care of my injuries... I figure it would be kinda difficult to bandage my own arm and back with just my left arm available.
As soon as I reached the small two-story building, I entered through the kitchen door, deciding to keep on the OZ uniform since my usual clothes were torn into pieces. I was still so proud and focused on my victory that I didn't notice the almost eerie and awkward silence the lounge held... that, aswell as the other pilots.
Umm... this is kinda the part that... pooped my party... so to speak. Once I had entered the lounge, the other pilots were all there and apparently awaiting my arrival. But instead of looking proud or grateful that I had accomplished the mission AND saved their hides, they all seemed pretty... grim. Gave off a pretty unpleasant atmosphere, which, for like the hundredth time that week, made me confused.
As I walked into the room, four sets of eyes went straight to me. Wufei was dangerously glaring while Quatre looked... worried. And I'm sure I looked pretty stupidly confused. Even Heero - the only one not standing but seated on the couch - looked a little... not happy. I think I liked it better when they were all in soldier mode.
I suddenly became paranoid, thinking 'oh-oh, I've probably messed somethin up!', which wouldn't be too unusual for me. The thick tension the silence held was getting to me, and so I finally decided to break it.
"Ahh... guys? What's up? Mission accomplished, right?" I asked... almost hesitant to do so, incase I really DID mess something up. Wufei somehow managed to even further narrow his eyes at me in a deadly way, before speaking.
"Yes, Maxwell. The mission was... successful." He said sourly. I frowned at that... if the mission was all good, then why act this way? I didn't understand.
"Then... why so grim?" I asked, and attempted to scratch the back of my head, but instantly regretted it as I realized lifting my arm upset my wounds. Lowering my arm back down, I tried not to wince... I felt that right then was not the best time to show weakness. I noticed that my small action earned me a concerned frown from Quat, an unreadable frown from Heero and Trowa, and a worsened glare from Wu. Okay... definitely confused.
"Because, MAXWELL, your... *methods* in which to accomplish this mission were... unacceptable."
Thinking about it now, I could just kick myself at how I just stared at him dumbly.
"Wha... ?"
"Don't play dumb, Maxwell. Your actions could have easily put the mission and the rest of us in jepordy!"
"Come on, Wufei," Quatre's soft and almost upset-sounding voice interjected, and so I turned my confused gaze to him, "I'm sure Duo just had everything planned. so we could complete the mission and get out of there. I mean, he wouldn't have... " He trailed off, sounding unsure. I just stood and blinked at them, completely dumbfounded as to what the hell they were talking about. I decided to voice this, seeing how I would probably just get more confused if I didn't.
"Umm... what are you guys goin' on about?"
Wufei sighed frustratingly then, closing his eyes in what I guessed was irritation... although I had no idea why. Trowa seemed to let out a sigh as well, but it was much smaller and quiet. He moved to the lounge's small coffee table; which I just noticed then was stacked with a small pile of papers and files. He grabbed the piece that was resting on the top, then walked in front of Wufei so he could hold up the paper before me to see.
I blinked and tilted my head at the black, white and gray picture... not at first comprehending of what exactly the piece being held in front of me was. It looked to be a printed out, almost unclear photo or security camera shot... and then, after a second of examination, I realized what it was.
The fuzzy picture must have been a shot taken from one of the security cameras in the room that bastard OZ soldier had dragged me to then... did me over.
I grabbed the picture from Trowa, and starred at it with wide eyes. There, on that printed out camera shot, was a gray, naked me with a bigger, well- muscled OZ soldier in the process of pounding into me. Now that I *knew* what I was looking at, the actions transpiring in the picture spoke for themselves, as to what was going on. It looked pretty obvious, and it would have been easy for the guys to have figured out what was happening... or so I thought.
I looked back up at the young pilots; Trowa had stepped back and so I was staring wide-eyed into Wufei's angry glare.
"How did... ?" I blinked stupidly at him, wanting to ask how they had acquired this particular shot; but my throat suddenly felt dry - like I would start coughing if I attempted any further words. Wufei seemed to understand... either that, or he had planned to cut me off anyway.
"We passed one of the insignificant surveillance rooms as we were escaping," he explained bluntly, "Because the main systems had corrupted-" ...by me, thank you very much... "the screens were frozen on various parts of the security disks. We decided we'd have time to quickly print out a few incase of future references. Then, we came across this..." Wufei snatched the photo from me and held it up in front of my face.
I could feel the blood rush up to my cheeks as I blushed... I had never intended them to find out. And now that they had... I wouldn't even know how to explain it to them. I *really* didn't want them to see weakness in me, and I felt my throat dry even more at just the thought of trying to talk now. I was meant to be a Gundam pilot... Gundam pilots don't... get raped. Were they... disgusted, aswell as angry? ...Most likely. What if they didn't want me to work with them anymore? What if they didn't even want to look at me anymore?
Hundreds of insecure questions were racing through my mind, and I opened my mouth, about to try atleast some form of an explanation, but Wufei spoke up first, sounding pretty disgusted and mad.
"Having sex with the... *enemy* is definitely an *inappropriate* method to achieve the mission's goal. Not to mention foolish and dishonorable. Did you not even think about all the advantages OZ would be able to gain from that?? Pure stupidity!"
... Wait, huh? That's... not right... they thought...! Yes, they did. They must have *really* thought that low of me to come up with that. I... couldn't believe what Wufei had just implied. I at first got confused at what he had just accused, before I got angry at the allegation.
"You... " I stared at him with questioning, confused eyes, "You thought I... had *sex* with him??" I could feel my expression changing to display my hurt. I turned to look at the others, looking at them at the same questioning way. "You... you guys think that, too? You think I... Gods..."
Trowa and Quatre were looking back at me with guilty expressions. Heero remained the same, but Wufei had crossed his arms and was looking at me as if he was gloating about him being right... which he wasn't.
"Duo... we have the photo." Trowa reminded me.
Quatre tried to excuse me, speaking with a hopeful tone in his voice as he asked me "But, it was planned out, right? I mean, you knew you would have to do that in order to finish the mission... right...?"
I just stared at him, trying desperately to not get emotional. I couldn't believe them... how could they ever even suggest a thing like that? I may have grown up on the streets of L2, but... that didn't mean I would degrade myself to that level... I mean, come on, with the *enemy*??? Who did they think I was? Apparently, not what I hoped they would. Guess it was true. I guess they are just the same as everyone else, Gundam pilots or not.
I had baled my hands into tight fists as I resisted the urge to... scream, or punch, or cry, or something. I could feel them shake with my mental restraint, and decided I had better just leave before I would do or say something I would regret. Instead, I just settled for choking out "You bastards", my voice sounding shaky, before turning around and trying to make my way to the stairs without doing anything else. I... needed to get upstairs... and fix myself up. The pain was making its way back to me, now that my adrenaline rush had ended, and it was coming with a vengeance.
Before I had a chance to make my way even two steps up the staircase, though, Wufei's sour voice stopped me.
"Don't blame us for your dirty act, Maxwell. Having sex with the enemy will not be taken lightly."
It was all I could do not to erupt with anger right there and then. Wufei was such a... pig headed *bastard*. I wanted to just swear and curse till I couldn't breath anymore at him, at the others... I wanted to cry at the such little faith they had in me... even after we've been fighting side by side together. I wanted to just... wither and die. I suddenly felt so betrayed. I was on their side, but they were treating as if I was no better than a lowly pathetic enemy. And I hated them for that... almost as much as I hated myself for letting myself believe in a stupid hope that they could be anything different.
I was suddenly grateful that I had made it a couple of steps up the stairs, 'cause I didn't feel like looking up to them at that moment. (Being the smallest can have its sucky moments).
"I didn't have sex with him, you *dick*, he fucking *raped* me!" I clarified with no small amount of venom in my voice. I could see the shocked expressions of realization come to there faces after a second of comprehending, and even Heero looked... somewhat shocked. So they never even thought of that being a possibility... figures. Before I could see any of their further reactions, though, I quickly climbed the rest of the stairs. The pain was coming with full force now... more my throbbing and aching behind rather then the two gashes on my right side. So much for the others helping me with my injuries...
I quickly made a stop at my room, grabbing some fresh clothes, since my former pair was unjustly destroyed. I made a mental note to make a quick stop at L2 to get another priest attire sometime. I then made my way to the bathroom, trying to rid myself of the too big OZ uniform on the way. Once shed, I discarded the despised material on the floor outside the bathroom door before going in and firmly locking the door behind me. I threw my good clothes in a corner before moving to the tub and turning on the water; adjusting the tap with shaky hands until the water was as hot as I could stand, and then slowly got in.
That, basically, brings us to the here and now, and how I had become this way... a broken heap of abused Duo rocking back and forth in a tub filled with quickly reddening water as I try to deal with the pain the only way I ever knew how to. By myself.
I guess the warm water helped to ease the pain somewhat... but not by much. I knew from experience that it would feel pretty bad until the pain dulls and dies down in a couple of days, more or less. I also knew that now that I have cleaned my gashes from those bullets, I should wrap them up with gauze and antibiotic cream, but I just cant get myself to build up the strength or will to get out of this big, almost relaxing tub.
I guess that was it. I let myself believe in a false hope, just to have it thrown back in my face. I guess I should have expected that. Who the hell was I to assume this time would be different? That these guys would be different? Me and my stupid deluded fantasies, my stupid hopes, and my stupid crush on one Heero Yuy.
They're no different from the rest. So, I guess I'm on my own once again.
Though, it would have been really nice if someone, just once, would understand... maybe even give me a chance.
What a shitty life.
TBC.
*****
So, whadidya think? Good? bad? What? PLEASE tell me!
For those of you who are, don't worry. The other pilots don't stay bastards. yes, not even Wufei. I know he can be a little arrogant and inconsiderate sometimes. but I still love him! ^_^
Reviews are very much greatly appreciated and will help further chapters come sooner...!!! Flames are also welcome.