Authors note: Hey so this is my first one shit fic I've ever done so I thought why not swing for the fences I guess with this 9k plus words epic I guess. The main inspiration for this was actually the opening montage of up so if you feel like I've missed out on some details it's because I've highlighted the important moments I mean you don't see the opening of Up going through their midlife crisis so enjoy and remember to bring the tissue just in case :)
Dr Kesher is sitting behind his desk, looking right at Harvey, talking in slow motion through his head. He can't hear a single word he's saying. He only hears the buzzy ringing as Dr Kesher's lips are moving.
"Mr Specter? Are you listening?" Dr Kesher asked snapping Harvey out of it.
He looks up to Dr Kesher seeing that the sound in the room is back to normal, no more slow motion. "Yes. Malignant brain tumour. Stage 3. Best case scenario, I'll live another year." Harvey said nodding his head.
"I can't imagine what you're going through Mr Specter." Dr Kesher said giving Harvey a leaflet.
Harvey takes the leaflet and sees MALIGNANT TUMOUR on the cover. "Thank you….I'll read this in good time."
Harvey sits in his office reading the leaflet and focusing on the symptoms which consist of severe, persistent headaches. Seizures (fits). Persistent nausea, vomiting and drowsiness, mental or behavioural changes, such as memory problems or changes in personality, progressive weakness or paralysis on one side of the body, vision problems, or speech problems.
He quickly puts the leaflet in his pocket and leaves his office with Gretchen looking up from her desk.
"Harvey-"
"Cancel my plans for the rest of the week. I won't be coming in." Harvey said turning around to face her.
"What's wrong?" Gretchen asked raising her eyebrow.
"I'm just not feeling well." Harvey said shaking his head and walking away.
He quickly got into the lift pressing the ground floor when and he sees Donna quickly walking towards him. He panicked and quickly pressed the button to close the door properly and before Donna could get a word in the lift closes. He falls onto the floor of the lift and shakes his head sadly trying to keep his emotions in.
"Brain tumour? I'm so-"
"You don't have to be Dr Agard." Harvey said looking across her as she puts her notepad and stops the tape recorder.
"What are you going to do? You going to have the surgery?" Dr Agard asked leaning forward in curiosity.
"Doctor. I have no wife, no lover, no son or daughter. I am an extremely overly qualified lawyer who should run his own firm. When I can work I make $5,660,000 per year. I have seen myself surpass all my colleagues and friends in every way imaginable and within 12 months I will be dead. All of my achievements will be for nothing. All my money, meaningless. My cars, useless. My apartment, sold. My reputation, forever a myth. I don't think there's any point in denying the inevitable." Harvey said sighing and starting to break down slowly.
"Have you told anyone?" Dr Agard asked handing Harvey a tissue paper box across the table.
He took one out slowly and dried his eyes shaking his head. "No one except you."
"You need to tell someone Harvey. The last thing anyone wants is to feel betrayed because they found out on their own terms. You can't be selfish when it comes to these circumstances. You'll need all the help in the world." Dr Agard said as Harvey looking down onto the table.
"But what I don't want people to help me? What if I want to just carry on with my life as it is? Don't I get to make that choice?" Harvey asked challenging her.
"There isn't any mask that can help you with that because deep down when you know when you're going to die you'll crack and it won't be your fault. And it's like you said why deny the inevitable? People will eventually find out. It's just up to you to decide when." Dr Agard said as Harvey shook his head.
"I was just thinking….about how some things don't last. And I think that's a shame." Harvey said getting up.
"Some things last." Dr Agard commented watching Harvey walk away from her.
"Hey. Erm, I'm sure why you're wondering why I've called this meeting." Harvey said standing in front of everyone in the conference room with everyone looking confused. "Well here it goes…..I'm going to resign."
Murmurs across the conference room started to explode with Donna, Mike, Harvey, Louis, Rachel and Jessica looked at him confused. "And the reason why I'm retiring it because….I have cancer."
Donna sat down onto the table as she heard the words. Her whole body went numb.
"How long do you have?" Mike asked walking towards him and giving him a hug.
"A year. At the outside." Harvey said looking at Donna who stormed outside of the room with tears in her eyes.
Donna sat inside her apartment staring out the window with her face leaning against it.
"Look at that. Look at the world, still turning. I feel like I've fallen off." Donna mutters to herself
A knock comes on the door but she's too numb to open it. Instead she hears the door open and the footsteps coming towards her.
"Donna." Harvey said standing there. She never responded. "Donna!"
"When did you find out?" Donna asked angrily.
"About a week ago." Harvey said putting his head down as Donna turned her body around to face Harvey with tears in her eyes.
"We need to talk about it." Donna asked.
"About what?" Harvey asked responding angrily. "That I have a year to live? I think it's you to needs to talk about it." He said with the words. The words struck her like the deep thump of heavy gunfire, at the base of her spine.
"Yes, all right, I do. Harvey…"
"What do you want to know?" Harvey asked grabbing a chair near him and settling down onto his clenching his skull feeling a migraine about to come.
"What's going to happen to you?" Donna asked.
"My headaches will get worse. I'll have difficulty breathing, keeping my balance, hearing, seeing, and keeping my memory. It'll go to the point where I won't be able to stand or walk. My cognitive processes will be impaired and your vision will begin to go. I'll experience nausea, vertigo, pain and muscle weakness and then I'll lose consciousness." Harvey whispered. "I mean look at me now. I had to grab a chair because I was feeling faint. I'm already starting to lose control over my balance."
"I can't watch you go through that. The only thing worse than the thought of losing you is the idea of watching your his mind deteriorate, vaguely aware that it once was special and amazing but unable to remember how or why. Seeing your boundless energy trapped in a body that will no longer obey your commands, laid low in misery and I'll take care of you." Donna whispers as Harvey nods in agreement with a tear threatening to form.
"I know you will because I'd do the same for you." Harvey whispered back starting to feel his migraine fade away.
"Are there pills?" Donna asked.
"Yeah. They're at my place." Harvey said as Donna stood up and walked towards him and grabbing her fingers into his. Slowly she kneeled down to look up at him.
"We'll take it one day at a time." Donna whispered. "But I beg you…please take the surgery."
"Look, both of us in this room, we love each other. We want what's best for each other and I know that, I am very thankful for that. What I want... what I want, what I need... is a choice." Harvey whispered.
"What do you mean a choice?" Donna asked as she saw Harvey with tears in his eyes feeling very emotional.
"Sometimes I feel like I never actually make, any of my own... choices. I mean, my entire life it just seems I never... had a real say about any of it. I never chose to have my parents, I had no choice but to becomes a lawyer because of my shoulder injury. I had no choice but to go to Harvard to be with Jessica. I had no choice but to work my ass off and get to where I am and this last one, cancer, all I have left is how I choose to approach this. These doctors talking about surviving, one year, two years, like it's the only thing that matters. But what good is it to survive if I'm too sick to work, to enjoy a meal, to make love to a woman I'll never get to meet. For what time I have left, I want to live in my own house; I want to sleep in my own bed. I don't want to choke down 40 or 50 pills every single day, and lose my hair, lie around, too tired to get up, and so nauseated that I can't even move my head; you cleaning up after me. Me... me some um... some dead man, some artificially alive, just marking time... No. And that's how you would remember me. That's the worst part. So... that is my thought process, Donna... I'm sorry, it's just I choose not to do it." Harvey whispered.
"What did you mean by we love each other?" Donna whispered as Harvey looked down at her with a smile.
"I love you Donna Paulsen. I love you with a love that's greater than love." Harvey whispered as Donna lifted her face to be level with hers. Slowly he lifted his hands to clench her face as he felt a tear fall down her cheek and hit his palms.
"I love you too Harvey Specter." Donna whispered closing her eyes and slowly moving her lips towards his.
Donna woke up in the morning turning around to see Harvey peacefully sleeping next to her. She lifted her sheet a little and saw that she was naked and smiled at the memories of last night. Then she turned her face to his again and stared at him.
Her mind hasn't touched the reality that he was going to leave. She can barely remember life without him in it. He was slyly inserted himself into all my memories, as if he'd been there all along. He's there in at school with her, at home, in the park she played in as a child, the first movie she saw, in acting classes, her first kiss, and the first time she made love.
She didn't want him to leave.
She took in his living room and watched him make a list that she had troubled reading but making out it was a bucket list. Her mind raced back to the first time they met. How she wanted to make a strong impression on him because of the reputation he'd already established in the DA office. She wanted to be his first weakness, the first thing he thinks about every morning and the last thing before he sleeps.
"Donna." Harvey called snapping her attention away.
"What is it?" Donna asked looking at him.
"Let me…let me take you on a date." Harvey whispered.
"A date?" Donna asked curiously.
"Yeah. I just…I just want to keep my minds of things and-"
There's a loud knock on the door that alerts the both of them as Donna gets up to walk towards it. She opens the slowly and Marcus slowly enters the room moving his head viciously to see where Harvey is.
"Where is he?" Marcus asks looking down at Donna as Harvey turns his back to face his brother.
"Hey Marcus." Harvey whispers as Marcus runs towards his brother and hugs him emphatically crying into his shoulder as Harvey starts to cry back.
They stay like that for the whole day as Donna manages to read his bucket list in the meantime.
"Donna," he breathed. "You look…amazing."
"Thank you," she smiled and stopped in front of him. "What? No flowers?" She raised an eyebrow, half joking, half provoking.
"Flowers are not exactly original and I think that, over the course of the day, you are going to find that I am nothing like any of the men that you have dated," he helped her with her coat as they waited for the elevator. Donna laughed lightly.
"We'll see about the Specter." Donna said smiling.
Few hours later
Harvey held her in his arms and pulled her lips to his. The slick, wetness of their skin made the kiss feel sexier, hotter than their others. Donna gasped as Harvey's hands pulled at her, fighting to bring her closer to him.
"Harvey…" She sighed into his mouth, her hands moving around him, clutching to him as though her life depended on it.
She funnelled all of that desire into her lips, her tongue. She heard him groan as her hands moved down his back and found their way to the skin under his un-tucked shirt. She moved her lips to the crook of his neck; sucking, licking, and kissing her way down to his collar. It was only when her hands moved to the buttons on his shirt that his hands moved to stop her.
"You know what's going to happen now?" Harvey whispered pulling Donna's hair back making her smirk as he took his tie off.
"You gonna give me the Specter special?" Donna whispered biting her lip and moving her hands down his chest and grabbing his crotch.
"Of course." Harvey whispered as he managed to wrap his tie around her wrists.
"Are you gonna fuck me hard?" Donna whispered as he dragged her onto the bed and tying the tie around the pole of the bed as he began to undress her.
"I'm gonna do more than that." Harvey whispered grabbing her face viciously and kissing her hard making her moan.
"Fuck me Harvey."
"So this is what I get for being your slave last night?" Donna asked wrapping her arms around his body and kissing his neck as he tried to concentrate on frying the eggs.
"I might as well with the energy I have left. You got my pills?" Harvey asked as Donna nodding resting her head on his shoulder.
"How long have you loved me?" Donna asked kissing his neck.
"Kissing my neck over and over won't get me to answer it." Harvey said looking back as Donna moved her hands towards his chest and downwards.
"Don't you dare." Harvey whispered and quickly putting the eggs on a plate before turning around to face her.
"What are you going to do?" Donna whispered kissing his lips over and over.
"I'm going to pick you up…like this." Harvey whispered lifting her up and getting her to subconsciously wrap her legs and arms around her.
"And?" Donna asked as Harvey grabbed onto a plate without her noticing.
"And I'm going to set you down on that table." Harvey whispered walking towards it and leaning down slowly onto the table until Donna's back rested on the table.
"And?" Donna asked kissing his cheeks.
"And I'm going to set these plates on the table so you can have some protein with your breakfast." Harvey said with a smirk as Donna looked at him in disgust.
"But I don't want that kind of protein. I know where I can get some protein and all I have to do is suck on it until it gets sticky." Donna whispered biting his earlobe.
"Lollipops don't give you protein." Harvey whispered as Donna smacked his back.
"Ow." Harvey said moving her arms and legs off him and rubbing his back.
"You deserve it asshole." Donna said shaking her head and tasting the toast he made her. "God damn this tastes so good."
"Almost like an orgasm?" Harvey asked laughing as Donna started to chase him around the table.
"I SURRENDER!" Harvey said staying in his spot before Donna walked towards him.
"Good." Donna whispered tip toeing to kiss his cheek.
"You sure you're ready for the emotion, the drama….the boxing?" Harvey asked doing his movie trailer voice.
"Harvey…it's only Creed." Donna said rolling her eyes.
"It's not 'only Creed'. We're talking about Sylvester Stallone possibly getting an Oscar here. And don't say he's only Rocky." Harvey said as they stood outside the movie theatre.
"You must be pretty crazy if you think I hate Rocky." Harvey said handing over Donna her ticket.
"This cue…it's going to take long; isn't it?" Donna asked looking at her.
"How about you go sit down and I'll grab our popcorn and drinks." Harvey said as Donna nodded kissing his forehead.
"Remember I prefer sweet." Donna said walking away from him and disappearing into the movie theatre.
Slowly she descended towards the steps of the room and showed the man the ticket as she sat in the middle row towards the centre. The movie trailers began to show as she looked at her watch and then she heard his voice; not from behind her but on the theatre screen.
Donna's mouth dropped as she watched Harvey talking to various people about how much she loves Donna.
The next part of the trailer was Harvey talking to Donna's father, James, as she watched her father talk about how she has to let her daughter go and how he gives Harvey's his permission to marry her.
"I want to spend the rest of whatever life I have because I can't live without her."
Donna starts to smile and shakes her head in disbelief because she's in a haze. She can't believe what he was doing as the next part of the trailer was Harvey quickly collecting his popcorn and running towards the theatre room she's currently sat in. He stops outside the door and looks at the camera man who gives a nod as Harvey enters the theatre with everyone sitting in it turning their heads to stare and smile at Harvey who has a Cheshire grin walking towards her.
She gets up from her seat and walks towards him with a tear falling from her eyes because she knows what he's going to do. Once she got out of the row, he quickly kneeled and held her hand in his.
"My life's always felt like an unanswered question. A string of days and nights waiting for something to happen but I didn't know what to expect. Donna, we're connected. Wherever I am….I feel you. You're what makes me real. I want us to always have dinner, keep replanting the apple tree that dies, I never ever want to miss a pizza night." Harvey said as Donna laughed a little but her laughter turning into sadness as he took out a ring box. "That's how I know I want to marry you because something as simple as pizza week or gardening becomes a highlight of my week and it's been like that for the past 12 years. I know this is crazy but I want us to become a family, I want to hang on to you for dear life. So please Donna Roberta Paulsen. Please say yes because I need to you." Harvey said opening the box and seeing the expensive diamond ring shimmering.
"Yes. I'll marry you." Donna said as Harvey got up and kissed her in front of everyone as the people started to clap.
The guests entered the building to see two flights of stairs. On the landing of the first flight there's a vintage organ as a display piece. On top of the organ were jars with tea lights, flowers and wedding photos from their respective family.
The entry and guest book table were decorated with handmade and vintage bird themed décor. There were feathers and birds everywhere, in the flower girl baskets, in people's hair, boutonnieres, decor and more.
"This is all just….wow." Rachel whispered looking around and drinking their cocktails an hour before the ceremony.
"You know that reminds me of our wedding." Mike said kissing Rachel on her cheeks.
"I know but I was more impressed about what happened after our wedding." Rachel whispered stealing a kiss from Mike.
"Here you go." Harvey said passing over personal notes to Mike and Rachel.
"Personal notes?" Mike asked looking at Harvey with his three piece suit.
The suit was basically a basic charcoal with a narrow-spaced grey rope stripe, but it's a little fancier than that. The cloth is twill-woven, except on either side of each rope stripe there is a plain-woven section framing the stripe. It adds a subtle dimension to the cloth whilst still keeping it classic.
The cut and style of this suit is the same as the other suits in the film. The fit is tight and short, with narrow, straight shoulders. The jacket buttons three and the narrow lapels roll at the top button, though the tight fit in the chest pulls it open down to the fastened middle button. The buttons are placed lower than on most current suits, which is both bad and good. The bad part is that it emphasises how short the jacket is, and the buttons look very low on the jacket. But the good part is that the middle button fastens exactly where it should: at the waist. The button at the waist means that not as much shirt can show above the trousers as on the typical "slim fit" suit, and it helps the jacket to move better with the body. A lower button stance also makes the chest look stronger, which is why a high button stance is rarely a good thing. The flapped hip pockets are on a shallow slant, and the cuffs have three buttons with last one left open. There is a single vent at the rear. The suit trousers have a flat front and are cut with a low rise and narrow leg, and they have a short hem with turn-ups. The trousers have side adjusters with slide buckles and an extended waistband with hook closure.
"Nice suit." Mike said looking up and down.
"Got inspired by James Bond." Harvey said doing his Sean Connery impression.
"You see the bride yet?" Rachel asked smiling.
"Nope. I'm a traditional guy. Don't want to see her until we do our walk." Harvey said smiling.
"You going to walk down the aisle together?" Mike asked as Harvey began to nod taking a cocktail from a waiter.
"Awww is that a presentation?" Rachel asks looking at a montage of pictures of Donna and Harvey as everyone started to stare.
"Yeah. It keeps it unique I guess. It was all her idea." Harvey said looking at Donna's smile. "Well I better go. I need to get ready mentally. I mean I am giving my life away to a woman for the rest of my life."
ONE HOUR LATER
"How long Harvey?" Mike asked as Harvey finished his note and placed it inside a box along with a bottle of wine.
"This is it." Marcus said patting him on the back as Harvey looked at him, Mike and Louis at his side.
"It's show time." Harvey said as she saw Rachel, Jessica, Katrina and Donna's family and friendly walking into the room with Donna.
He turned his head to face her and he was in awe at her dress. This gown had a scalloped sweetheart neckline with off-the-shoulder straps. The tulle skirt offers pearl-like beads and scattered lace appliqués. She smiled at him shyly as she slowly walked forward and inserted her note inside the same box Harvey did moments ago. He stared at her loose braided updo with a white hairpiece that ran across the back of her hair with the loose strands of hair showing her perfection.
She moved back and stood next to Harvey with her hand sneaking into his and holding it tightly. He looked down at her staring into her brown eyes and smiled as she nervously smiled back.
The music played and to everyone's surprise Ric Flair's music played with caused a few chuckles amongst the crowd for the unpredictability but they slowly walked towards the priest as he let out a smile. The guests seated in a circle around the alter as if they were surrounded my love made them feel less nervous.
Once they reached the alter Donna turned back to kiss her dad and handed her mother a pink rose and then the ceremony began.
They stared at each other with their fingers intertwined with a curtain of ribbons used as an alter backdrop.
"Dear children of God, you have come today to pledge your love before God and before the Church here present today in the person of the priest, your families and friends. In becoming husband and wife you give yourselves to each other for life. You promise to be true and faithful, to support and cherish each other until death, so that your years together will be the living out in love of the pledge you now make. May your love for each other reflect the enduring love of Christ for his Church.
As you face the future together, keep in mind that the sacrament of marriage unites you with Christ, and brings you, through the years, the grace and blessing of God our Father. Marriage is from God: he alone can give you the happiness which goes beyond human expectation, and which grows deeper through the difficulties and struggles of life. Put your trust in God as you set out together in life. Make your home a centre of Christian family life. The Christian home makes Christ and his Church present in the world of everyday things. May all who enter your home find there the presence of the Lord: for he has said: "Where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them." Now as you are about to exchange your marriage vows, the Church wishes to be assured that you appreciate the meaning of what you do, and so I ask you: Have you come here of your own free will and choice and without compulsion to marry each other?" The priest asked.
"We have." Harvey and Donna replied.
"Will you love and honour each other in marriage all the days of your life?" The priest asked.
"We will." The both of them replied.
"Now you may exchange your vows." The priest said as Harvey looked at Mike.
"Mike you wanna flip the coin?" Harvey asked as Mike took a coin and flipped it catching it in his palm.
"Heads or tails?" Mike asked.
"Heads." Donna quickly called.
Mike lifted his palm up and smiled. "Heads it is."
"I, Donna, promise to love you, Donna, forever and always from this day forward. I promise I will learn how to cook especially your favourite meals. I will never criticize your horrible music taste I mean c'mon Katy Perry? And will make sure that you don't hang out with your boozy friends to the point where you end up going back to your high school reunion and loiter the library. I will try to keep the house relatively clean, except for the times when we will be busy making love. I will give you full supremacy of the remote control but that too on weekends only. For this is my promise to my one true love and partner for life." Donna said smirking.
"I, Harvey, promise to love you, Donna, even though you have an obsession with Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Gosling, Madonna and Britney Spears and other girly pop music. I promise I will learn to love all of your favourite pop stars like Iggy Azalea and Nicky Minaj, and will not criticize your choice in music from here on out….unless you offend the Yankees and Michael Jordan." Harvey said smiling back.
"You may-"
Donna grabbed Harvey's face and kissed him hard with her tongue inside his mouth as people started to laugh. He grabbed onto her waist and put his tongue in hers making her moan as the claps covered them from hearing them. They released their kiss and stared down at each other. She held her hands in his and the music hit as they began to slow dance with each other.
"You know what the great thing about getting married is?" Donna asked.
"Tax?" Harvey asked.
"No. It means we can fuck without God killing us." Donna said giggling.
"I know what I'm doing when I take you to our honeymoon." Harvey whispered back.
"You do? Where you sweeping me away Mr Specter?" Donna asked.
"Lebanon."
He reached around her waist as she reached around his back, to embrace one another. When
he held her closer to his body she was suddenly aware of every inch of him, including something she hadn't been aware of before.
"I love you…Mrs Specter." Harvey whispered as his soft lips moulded to his hard smooth mouth and as she sighed at the feeling of it, he parted his lips. He slipped his tongue inside her mouth and began to explore.
She gasped as his hand lingered there, so close to her breast. "Those…Mr Specter. Are off limits." She whispered putting his hands back on the mattress.
He slowly, moved his hand to her breast and cupped it anyway. She sighed loudly and her body went slightly limp. His mouth was more intense on hers and his kissing lost its usual control. He was hungry on her lips, tasting me.
"Bella."
"You don't get to call me that…you have to earn it." She whispered pushing him onto the bed as she began to straddle his hips.
"You gonna do the Specter special on me? I mean you are a Specter now." Harvey said grinning as Donna's face hovered over his.
She slowly moved her lips towards his and as soon as Harvey bought his close to hers she backed off shaking her head.
"You're such a tease."
"But you love when I do that." Donna whispered taking her top off.
"I could get used to this."
MONTH SIX
For a few days he seems no worse. Then, that tightness in his face that signals a headache stops going away with the painkillers Donna gave him. He stumbles now and then.
"Harvey. Take it all out." Donna whispered soothing him as he found himself throwing up in the bathroom.
Once he finished he looked back round breathing heavily looking pale and sweaty. "This is all too much for me."
"Don't stop giving up Harvey. You can do it. I'm always with you." Donna whispered holding her hands in his as he nodded.
That day he has his first significant aphasia episode. He stands there ready to lay it out, and suddenly the words won't come. She watched his jaw working, his eyes, his mind ready to show us how the clues fit together, and words won't come to him. He looks up at her with panic behind his eyes, just barely visible behind the veil that always cloaks Harvey's emotional state, the veil that normally only she could see behind, and then only rarely. "Donna," he stammers.
"What's that?" Donna asked, pointing to something, anything not related to what he was about to say.
"I….I don't know." Harvey whispers as a tear falls down his eye. "I don't know Donna. What-what is it?"
Worried, Donna walked towards the window he was staring at and saw children with lights running through the alleyway chasing each other as she looked back down at him.
"It's only children playing with some flashlights." Donna said as Harvey looked out of the window laughing at him.
"Oh…yeah. Y—your right." Harvey whispered.
Harvey had struggled to get Donna's number on his phone because of his constant mini headaches and spasms but when he finally managed to dial it she hadn't been answering. Shrugging, he brushed it off and managed to get Mike to go to her place where Rachel was.
From the moment they stepped off the elevator, Harvey sensed something was off. The apartment was oddly quiet.
"H-Hello?" Harvey called out, looking around. "Donna?"
"Rachel?" Harvey asked moved to walk down the apartment.
"Stay there!" Donna shouted out from the bathroom.
"What?" Harvey looked to Mike, confused. Shrugging, Mike continued to walk towards the bathroom. Rachel appeared around the corner, a little weary and glaring at them.
"I told you to stay there," meeting Mike midway the hallway, she turned him around and nudged him down in front of her.
"What's going on?" Harvey looked to her, slightly worried that Donna wasn't with her.
"Donna is…sick," Rachel informed him, standing in his way.
"What do you mean sick?" Harvey asked blinking rapidly.
"It's the flu, I think," Rachel shook her head. "She's…really sick. She's been throwing up all night and this morning. I took her some water, but she hasn't touched it. Listen, Harvey, she'll be okay. She just needs to let this run its course. We should go out for lunch."
"Yeah…" Harvey trailed off and then shook his head, moving to step around her. "That's not going to happen."
"Harvey…" Rachel started.
"I'm not going to leave Donna home when she's sick," his voice clearly communicated how absurd he thought the idea was. "You guys go ahead. You can have lunch without us."
"But we…" Mike started and stopped, receiving a glare from Rachel.
"Harvey, I know that you want to be a good guy here," Rachel smiled. "But Donna insisted that you come with us. She'll be…angry if you go up there."
"That's fine," he shrugged and moved around her.
"Harvey…"
"It certainly won't be the first time I've dealt with an angry Donna." Harvey said shaking her head.
Harvey pushed open the door to Donna's room, expecting to see her in her bed. He removed his jacket and laid it on a chair.
"Donna?" He called out into an empty room. "Donna?"
"Go away Specter!" A small but firm voice called to him from the bathroom. He made his way to the bathroom.
Donna was curled up on the floor of a bathroom, her head achingly close to the toilet. She had created something of bed in there; complete with her comforter, a pillow, tissues and her slippers.
"Oh honey…" He instantly felt bad for her, moving to step into the bathroom.
"Harvey…" She whined. "I told you to stay out!"
"As if I would ever leave you here like this," he moved then, sitting next to her, leaning against the tub and reaching a hand out to rub her back soothingly. "I'm sorry you're sick. You could have called me; I would have come right over…even if I can't-"
"Not with your condition Harvey. I need you to get out," she moaned, pushing at his arm.
"No way." Harvey shook his head
"I don't want you to see me like this." Donna croaked.
"How about-"
"Damn it Harvey I'm pregnant." Donna said as Harvey stepped back a little to absorb the words that were ringing through his ears.
"You're pregnant?" Harvey whispered asking her.
"That's why I couldn't lose weight." Donna whispered back with a smile as a tear formed in Harvey's eyes.
"You're pregnant…with our child." Harvey croaked covering his face and sobbing in her hands.
"Guess how long?" Donna asked getting up slowly and placing her hands on her thighs.
"How long?" Harvey asked.
"Three months….and I'm pretty sure it's a girl." Donna whispered as Harvey wrapped her arms around her neck and began to cry in her neck.
"I'm gonna have a child I'm not even going to see." Harvey said out loud making Donna cry.
"Donna!" Harvey screams as he falls onto the floor unable to get up.
Donna quickly runs from her bedroom to see Harvey rolling on the floor crying himself as he looks at her in panic. "I…I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! AND MY HEAD….IT HURTS SO MUCH!"
"Don't worry. I'm here." Donna whispers rushing towards him and trying to get him up but failing to keep his balance steady.
"IT HURST SO MUCH! FUCK! HELP!" Harvey screams clenching his head and letting out a banshee like scream.
"Fuck Harvey. I need-" Donna whispers but quickly taking out her phone and calling 911.
"Mrs Specter?" Dr Kesher asked walking out of the room with Donna quickly getting up and walking towards him.
"Is he fine?" Donna asked as Dr Kesher put down his notepad looking down at her sadly.
"I'm so sorry Mrs Specter…but your husband. We ran some scans and the tumours spread towards his legs and his arms and it's growing at a rate faster than we imagined…."
"How long-how long does he have?" Donna asked barely able to get her words out.
"A week." Dr Kesher said as Donna felt her knees go numb.
"No…you said—"
"I'm so sorry Mrs Specter. I-"
Before Dr Kesher could finish his sentence Donna's legs had given out as she collapsed onto the floor.
"FUCK! NURSE ELKINS! I NEED TO GET HER INTO A ROOM ASAP!" Dr Kesher barked.
Three days later
Two days later Harvey stumbles twice and nearly falls. The second time she guides him to a nearby bench and sit him down. He's been very quiet this day.
"I can't see out of my right eye, Donna," he whispers. She could hear a tremor in his voice. "It went away about half an hour ago."
"We should go home."
"This case is almost done. Let's finish it." He looks at me, pleading and pointing to the papers.
"I wish I could stop this," Donna whispers.
Donna sits him down and takes his blood pressure. It's high. His pulse is racing. He has a temperature. His pupil response is uneven. He can read the results on my face. I start to get up and he holds me back. "Donna," he says.
"Not yet," Donna murmurs.
"It's time."
"Please, Harvey."
"It's Wednesday, isn't it?"
"Yes."
He sighs. "Friday night, then."
This was the plan all along. Two days' notice. The first day will be for the people in his life to just happen to drop by to ask him a question or give him something. The second day was for them.
The next morning, Harvey's headache is so bad he can barely withstand light. She laid in some stronger analgesics for this, and they help. He insists on wearing his normal clothes. He pretends that he isn't planning on seeing anyone today, but he knows what's coming.
Mike and Rachel is their first visitor. Rachel makes an extra-special effort to be cheerful and pretend that she's totally ignorant of everything she's not supposed to know.
"I've been collecting some more record for you," she says, handing him a stack of records and placing them on the floor.
"Thank you," he says.
"I've made notes on the back with the information you always take, so you can file them."
"I'm sure they'll come in handy." Harvey whispered.
Mike on the other hand looks like a wreck. He sits there staring at him and then he makes his move by handing him a briefcase. Harvey looks down the briefcase and recognises it with a smile.
"Is this the same one?" Harvey asked looked at him.
"Yeah. The same one that helped me meet you." Mike whispered as he got up slowly to hug him.
"Mike. I'm sorry for ever being a dick to you but I only did it because I needed a protégé that would make my name proud and you surpassed that by becoming your own man. Carry on what I fought for and don't stop believing that it's the end of the world. Remember that when someone point a gun at you-"
He stops as Mike starts to weep on his shirt begging him to stop speaking as his face crumples a bit.
They barely have a moment's peace that day. Harvey is glad for it. She's less so. She's jealous of the time he has left, every precious minute that goes by is one she doesn't get to spend with him, not as long as there are other people trooping through, one right after another. Some people he's helped stop by, just to bring him some pastries, no reason.
She changes into pyjamas and go back down to his room climbing into bed with him. He scoots closer to my side, just so he can rest his temple against her shoulder. They lie there for a while, not sleeping. Eventually, Harvey drifts off.
She stares down at his slack face. She can't seem to look away. She can't think about the fact that in twenty-four hours she will never see this face again.
She doesn't sleep because she's too busy watching him. Watching the rise and fall of his chest with his breath and she can't stop imagining the moment that she's soon to witness, and catch the merest glimpse of the pain that is in store for her later. She can't allow herself to feel it now. She has to be present for him, for these last hours, she has to push it far from me until it's over, but she knows what she's in for.
She hates the universe. Hates whatever forces govern it. Whoever or whatever they are, she hates them for bringing her onto this earth. She just wanted him to be alive after tomorrow.
"What do you want to do?" Donna asked. The idea of choosing how to spend one's last day on earth is so horrifyingly complex that she's sure it would paralyze her, but she's equally sure that he has a plan.
He is looking out the window, fully dressed, and for just a moment, it's as if nothing's happened. All is well.
"I'd like to go out," he says.
"Out? Where?" She asked.
"Out. Into the city."
"Take a tour around? Your favourite spots?" Donna asked as he turned from the window.
They stop to rest on a bench by the river. Donna goes to the railing and looks down at the water. "Are we going to talk about it?"
"About what?"
I laugh, derisive. "The fact that you're going to die tonight."
"What's to say?"
"A great deal! Harvey – I'm…I don't…"
He grabs her sleeve and pulls her back to sit on the bench. "I've made my peace with it." He meets her eyes. "I never expected to live a long life, Donna. Always thought I'd meet my end at an early age. Never thought it'd be like this, though. Thought I'd be shot, or stabbed. Thought at the very least I'd take someone with me, someone the world needed gone. The idea never troubled me. It's only of late that the idea of leaving this life began to be – distressing."
"Why?"
"I never had anyone to leave behind. Anyone who'd miss me." He looks at me again and there is something raw behind his eyes. "Will you miss me, Donna?"
"Till the end of my days, Harvey."
Once they comes towards the apartment they see a bunch of people ranging from Mike to Cameron Dennis to Marcus standing there watching him. They take time to hug each other and give their last goodbyes with Marcus being left alone with Harvey for an hour.
They go upstairs as she shut the door behind us. Night has fallen and she's adrift. She doesn't know what to do, or if there's a plan. He sits in his chair. She hover nearby. He looks up at me. "Will you get the pills, Donna?"
Her heart turns to ice and my stomach drops. "Now? But…now?"
His voice is gentle. "What's the point of delay?"
"The point? I don't know, I just – does it have to be now?"
"Let's just get the pills. So we're ready."
She goes into the kitchen on numb feet and draws a glass of water. The pills are in her pocket. She puts them in a small dish and goes back into the living room with him watching her every movement. She sinks to the floor in front of his chair, kneeling between his feet. She holds the glass and the dish but she makes no move to hand them to him.
He reaches down and takes them from her, but he sets them on the table at his side. He leans forward, hands folded before him. "No, I shouldn't mind dying, Donna. It's what we all owe. And I'm glad to be able to choose my terms." He pauses and waits until she looks up at him. "I don't mind, except…" He swallows hard. "Except for you. I regret whatever pain this will cause you. I only know that I've spent some time imagining how I would feel if our places were swapped."
"I really thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with you." Donna whispered.
"That's all you planned? Rather limited, isn't it?" Harvey said with a smirk.
"No, I mean – no matter what else happened, who else I met, or what else I was, before anything else I'd be – this." She said, making a vague motion in the air between us.
"I am fortunate." Harvey whispered.
"Fortunate? How?"
"I do get to spend the rest of my life with you."
She felt his hands on her hair as he weeps, her forehead resting on his knees. "I'm supposed to keep you safe," she says through her tears. "I can't stop this. I'm sorry I can't fix this."
"You have fixed it, Donna. It's because of you that I can go out this way, the way I want." He slips a hand beneath her chin and tips her head up. He holds her face between his hands and rests his forehead against mine. She hangs onto his wrists because she has to hang on to something. "I am not a man to make confessions," he says, quietly.
"I don't need any."
"Good. I trust my actions speak well enough."
Harvey meets her eyes once more, then he swallows the pills with a drink of water. He sets the dishes aside with an air of finality.
It's done. Over the next thirty minutes he will drift away.
She stands up and his eyes follow her. She reaches out for his hand and pull him to his feet. He is looking at her, puzzled. She lead him over to the couch and sit down in the corner. He gets the idea and sits next to me. She keeps a hold of his hand.
He is breathing slowly, deliberately. She want to talk but she don't know what to say, or if it will help either of us. He looks at me. "Donna…" he begins, and she sees the fear in his eyes. "I thought I was ready for this." His voice shakes.
"I'm here, Harvey."
"I'm afraid, Donna. I wish I was normal, that I had a normal life." Harvey whispered as Donna looked out of the window.
"No one normal could have done what you've done. This morning when I when I went out to get some food I went through the supermarket that had faces that wouldn't be there if it weren't for you. I was served by a cashier whose life you helped give a second chance if it wasn't for you. There's a whole field of lawyers that you've created because of you. And if you wish you could have been normal then you should feel ashamed because ordinary people don't change the wall…it's the extraordinary that do the things that no one can imagine." Donna whispered as tears started to form from Harvey's eyes.
She pulls him into her arms and tucks his head down to her shoulder. He is so thin. He folds into an unbelievably small space, fitted into her lap; my arms can encircle him completely. He grasps a handful of her jumper and lets out a shaky breath. "Just relax," She whispers.
"I don't want to leave you." Harvey whispers.
"I don't want you to go." Donna replied.
"Our daughter. She'll fall and stumble but she has to be like you. I'm going to be watching the both of you every step of the way. When I'm gone I want you to forget if I ever frowned and I want you to remember my smile. Remember some good I've done and the fun times we've had. Remember how I fought the hard battles and won. I don't want you to be sad, ever. Every summer gather some flowers and remember the place where I'm going to lay. And come in the evening when the sun paints the sky and stand beside me for a few moments and remember my best. She has to know that I was a good person that all the monsters I kept under lock and keep never existed because she's never going to meet me. But she has to know that I love her like I loved you and I want her to be called Gabriella.
She suddenly feeling his limbs loosening. "Donna," he says, the word is slurred. "Need to see you."
She shifted him around in her arms until they're face to face. His eyelids are slack. He is shaking. "Harvey; just look at me. Don't think. Don't try to hang on. You just look at me, okay?"
"Let me sleep…..let…let me sleep."
He does. His eyes flicks over her face like he's trying to do what she was doing earlier, and memorize her.
She kisses his lips, gently with tears hitting his cheek. She can feel the tension sag away from him and his hands on her face. She holds him close, our foreheads together again. His eyelids are flickering now. He kisses me back, straining like it's taking the last of his strength. His hands clench in my jumper and his eyes blaze as he looks at me. "I want you to be the last thing I see," he rasps.
She holds his gaze. She can feel every second like a blade against my skin but she holds it. She won't look away because this is sacred and she's long past the point of salvage anyway. He takes a few deep breaths and sags. His eyes close.
He is sleeping now. It won't be long.
She gathers him close, wraps herself around him. She kisses his face over and over. She's aware that she's talking to him but she doesn't know what I'm saying but it doesn't matter.
He takes his last breath a few minutes later. Exhale, and then – nothing.
She stares down at his face.
He can't hear her now.
Marcus and Rachel are there. They are leaning over them, their faces sad. Rachel is crying. Marcus has come with the men from the funeral home who'll take him away.
She won't let them.
Rachel has her arm around her and finally she and Marcus coax me into releasing him.
She can't watch.
She goes to the window and Rachel hugs her from behind. She hears the rustlings and the wheels on the stairs and the clanking of the gurney and they're nearly gone before she stops them.
"Wait. One moment."
He is covered with a sheet. She does to the gurney and peels the sheet back.
She just looks.
They take him away. Marcus hugs her, and it's a bit alarming, but she needs it. He leaves, and Rachel watches me like a hawk.
Donna walks across the living room toward the couch. She makes it halfway there until her legs slowly buckle and she's am sitting on the floor, staring into space and holding her stomach. Donna joins her there and holds her hand.
FIFTEEN YEARS LATER
"Gaby! Where are you?" Donna asked walking up the stairs and grabbing onto the rails looking for her.
"I'm here." The sound of a girl came from upstairs.
"How many times have I told you not to go into the attic?" Donna asked getting towards the top stair and putting her hands onto her hips and seeing a ladder from the attic hitting the floor.
"I'm sorry mom but this was the box I was telling you about!" Gaby said coming down the stairs as Donna stared at the wooden box that was slightly open with a bottle of wine.
"I told you not to touch this." Donna said taking the box away from her as she looked down at her daughter.
"Sorry mom. It's just-you never tell me anything about dad and—"
"When the time is right I'll tell you everything…just not now." Donna said staring into her eyes.
"Can't you just tell me one thing about him? I mean I've seen all the photos and the videos." Gaby said tilting her head.
"You have his eyes." Donna said looking down at the box and smiling to herself. "You better go into your room and finish your homework."
"But mom! Law is so boring." Gaby said walking away from her and rolling her eyes.
"Who knows maybe you'll be a good one. I mean you are getting A's." Donna said walking towards her room.
She opened the door slowly and quickly shut it behind as she set the box on the floor. She leaned her back against the door and stared at the box. Slowly she descended downwards and took the lid of the box off and stared at the two notes that sat next to the wine bottle. She took the two notes out and stared at hers on top and read through it smiling and set it aside now holding Harvey's note.
Dear Donna,
If you're reading this then the first thing I have to do is wish you a happy anniversary….or Bon Anniversaire as you'd probably say. I mean fifteen years is a long time to be married. I just wanted to tell you that no matters what happens, if you're married to another guy and you have five kids and you're happy, I just wanted to tell you that I love you. No matter what. The only regret I ever had in life was delaying the inevitable. I fell in love with you as soon as you smiled the first time we met and I regret not telling you that I love you for the past 12 years. I regret hiding my feelings for you. I regret telling you that we shouldn't go back the first time we made love. I regret ever hurting your feelings and the fights we ever had. Maybe I was scared to tell you all this all them years ago is because I was scared at how much you mean more to me than any other person in the world and I was equally of scared of how much of a loss I would have had if I lost you. If I had just told you all them years ago that I loved you then I wouldn't be just a story you tell our daughter when she's crying on your lap after a breakup. I wish I could turn back the clock and find you sooner and love you for longer because I would have seen our beautiful children grow up to become what they're mother is…sassy and beautiful.
So here I am at our wedding day and I'm writing this waiting for you and I'm just waiting for you to come towards me and make me fall in love with you again. I love how you fall in love with a specific person because it's proof that there Is something out there that wanted us to be together and as soon as I met you, and when time stopped, I knew I was meant to be with you.
The last thing I wanted to say was that I don't want you to cry when you read this letter. I know you will because no one knows you better than me but I want you to be happy because I'll be sitting down in heaven and I'll be waiting for the day your name is read out and I run through the fields of heaven to find out and when I do find you I'll pick you and kiss you because we weren't mean to live a lifetime together so in the meantime if I have any children after the writing of this letter take care of her. She'll need a strong woman to lead her into a path of greatness.
I'll miss you dearly.
No matter what happens remember that I smile back.
Happy Anniversary Bella.
Harvey Specter
"Harvey." Donna whispered as she saw the tears hit his note as she quickly shielded it away from her face.
The sound of music from Gaby's room erupted as Donna wiped the tears away and smiled to herself looking up at the ceiling. "Happy Anniversary Harvey.""