Warning: This story contains strong language and mentions of rape, violence, and PTSD. Please proceed with maturity and at your own risk.
"I can't compete with the she-wolf who has brought me to knees."
—Sia & David Guetta, "She-Wolf (I'm Falling to Pieces)"
I.
The woman pressed closer to the side of the young man next to her, his one good arm wrapped securely around her waist.
"Are you scared?" For those who knew him, it was strange to hear those compassionate words from his mouth.
Akira Inugami. Man. Monster. Werewolf.
Looking into the golden eyes of the small wolf pack in front of her, she shook her head, damp flakes of snow scattering around her.
"They won't accept me." She could see it in their eyes; their hesitation—eyes that could show so much emotion in a face that was not human. They were elegant and beautiful creatures. Pure and whole. They could smell the taint on her; she was sure of it.
"They will. Didn't I say I'd guarantee it?"
II.
The outside of the window was covered with frost, delicate patterns winding across the glass as Akiko Aoshika peered out at the landscape before her, pristine and white under a blanket of snow.
"Come on! I'll take ya' both on!"
She chuckled as she watched two adolescent wolves tackle Inugami to the ground, pushing him deep into the snow with a soft thump, playful growls emitting from their throats as he wrestled with them.
"Are you sure you won't come out?" he had asked her earlier as he shrugged on his fur-lined coat, folding up his right sleeve to press flush against the remaining stump of his arm. "They'd like to meet you."
"I'm fine," she had replied back, smiling gently over the steaming mug of tea in her hands. "You have fun. You're still a kid, after all."
Her eyes were sad.
The truth was, she had no right to intrude upon that sacred part of his life. These were his kind; not hers. She had no right to intrude upon his happiness. It would inevitably wind up in disaster, just like before. He had sacrificed so much for her sake—four fingers, an arm, his humanity—and she would not allow him to sacrifice his optimism as well.
But even despite his missing limbs, Inugami was probably the happiest she had ever seen him, rolling around in the snow with two wolves piled on top of him. And he still managed to hold his own against them.
They had accepted him quickly, even after being gone for ten years and missing a limb, but she stayed back, merely observing their reunion...except for one, who stood watching her with large, severe eyes.
"See that one?" he had pointed out to her later, extending the stub of his little finger towards the largest one of the pack. "Adax. He was a pup when I came here at five years old. He's alpha now; probably replaced his father."
Was that why it watched her so intently? To make sure she didn't hurt the rest of the pack? To judge whether she was worthy enough to be part of their family like Inugami was? Even now, it stood in the distance watching her, making sure she didn't come too close.
Two large paws landing on the window jolted her out of her thoughts as one of the pups bounded over to the cabin to excitedly peer into the window, tongue lolling out of its mouth happily.
"'ey!" She could hear Inugami's exclamation in the distance before he followed it up with a sharp-sounding sentence in Aleut—a language completely unintelligible to her.
The wolf slinked off with its tail between its legs.
Aoshika turned from the window then, biting the tip of her thumb in consternation.
Was it really Inugami's words that caused the wolf to retreat in such a way, or was it the sharp, snarling growl the alpha emitted as it locked eyes with her, hackles raised on end?
She was not welcome.
III.
He was the first one to utter those three words.
They were quiet and reserved as Inugami stared down at the top of her head. It was probably the first time he had ever said such a thing.
"I love you."
Aoshika remained unflinching, knees drawn up to her chest in front of the fireplace, the light of the flames dancing across her face.
"You should find someone your own age."
Her words weren't cold, but she could tell they hurt him anyways; a knife to his heart.
"Why should I?" He seemed as aloof as he did the first day she had met him. Wolves must be strong and composed, no matter how upset they may be in reality.
Because I'm broken, she wanted to reply. Because you'll never be able to act upon your desires with me. Your arms will embrace me, but I'll only see Haguro and his men. I'm already so very, very dirty.
But how does one bring up the topic of sex with someone almost ten years her junior? It wasn't that she thought Inugami was incapable of comprehending or understanding her concerns, but more so that she was afraid of his answer.
And he seemed to understand her silence, replying with the words she feared he would: "It doesn't matter if I can't touch you, Ms. Aoshika; only that I can protect you."
Hot tears pricked at the corners of her eyes before she could stop them.
"Shit."
She turned to see him pacing back and forth on the fur-lined floor behind her, his remaining hand covering his eyes. A forlorn smiled graced Aoshika's lips. He knew. He could probably smell the salt of her tears.
"Look, Teach', I'm not good with these kinds of things. I'm not good with words either. I just..."
He slammed his fist into the nearest wall.
"Even if I wanted to find someone else, I can't. I just...can't."
He seemed torn with himself, as if he were reminded of what he truly was.
Aoshika's words were quiet in response. "Why not?"
Even as he continued to lean heavily against the wall, head bowed, she could feel Inugami's eyes shift towards her.
"Because wolves mate for life."
IV.
"Did you have fun?" She pushed a mug of hot tea into Inugami's hand, watching as he maneuvered his thumb to hook underneath the handle before pushing it against the stubs of his missing fingers, securing it. It always amazed her how quickly he had adapted to his missing limbs, as if he had been born that way. Perhaps that was the skill he, as a wolf, had.
"Ah, yeah. Pups were a bit more rowdy today. Surprised Adax didn't have Sitiyok's hide today after that stunt she pulled with you. He wasn't happy."
Aoshika bit her lip as she turned to continue scrubbing at the dishes piled into the kitchen sink.
"I don't think he likes me very much."
"It's because you haven't shown any interest in joining the pack. He's skeptical. We don't accept humans easily." Inugami pulled a wooden chair out with his foot, struggling as he tried to shrug his snow-laden jacket onto it with the missing stump of his arm. Eventually, he relented to his limitations and put the mug down on the kitchen table to pull the coat off in frustration. "Ah, goddamn it! I miss being able to do two things at once!"
She smiled wanly at his plight. Still a child.
"But they can smell me on you, Ms. Aoshika," he continued, picking the mug back up once he had satisfactorily hung the coat on the back of his chair. "If you just came out to meet them, we'd be accepted as a mated pair."
Her smile vanished instantly, hand stilling on the plate, and Inugami was quick to catch his mistake, turning his head to the side to look away from her in shame.
"...I didn't mean it like that."
She knew very well he didn't, but afraid as she was, she wished he did. Even now, he was careful to ask if he could even so much as hold hands with her. As much as he told her it didn't matter, it bothered her—feeling like she was robbing him out of a proper relationship. Perhaps if he acted more like the men she had known, she wouldn't have had to be reminded that she loved him.
Her back straightened and she put the last plate onto the drying rack, composing herself.
"It's fine. More importantly, your textbooks arrived today. I won't have you missing out on your education just because you've decided to seclude yourself here."
It was for her sake he had taken her down to the Alaskan tundra, but it was easier to shift the blame to him when she threw her defensive walls up around her. And it was something Inugami had gotten used to. Perhaps, were he a different person, he would have been insulted, constantly being put at the butt end of everyone's problems, but instead, when Aoshika turned to him, he had an absolutely smug grin plastered on his face, feet propped up on the table.
"And ya' propose that you're the one to provide my instruction? I could run circles around ya', Teach'."
She threw the dishrag at him. He was winding her up purposely, trying to pull her back out of her shell, she knew.
"Books are in your room. I want pages 115–200 of Algebra: Level II finished by tomorrow evening."
V.
It was strangely quiet that morning—only the soft sizzling of the bacon and eggs cut through the silence that pervaded the kitchen. Bacon in the morning was rare, for neither of them ventured into town often enough to pick up such luxuries from the small grocery store there. Usually, it was Inugami who caught the food and skinned it while Aoshika cleaned and cooked it. But today, he was the one at the stove while she sat at the table with the newspaper, studiously ignoring that day's front page headline: "Sixth Woman Attacked in String of Ongoing Rapes".
He turned to her, sliding the meal onto the plate next to her before ripping the next package of bacon open with his teeth. It wasn't until the strips of meat were beginning to curl in the pan did he open his mouth.
"Your skin smells of blood."
Her head immediately jerked up from the newspaper, fingers curling around her arms in an instinctual defense.
"I'm fine!" She practically spat the words at him, all ripe emotion and spite.
Inugami's eyes showed hurt for the first time in months—not since he had gone head to head with Dou Haguro for her freedom. She wasn't fine, and they both knew it. While he couldn't see them with the long sleeves that she carefully picked out that morning, he most certainly could probably smell the coagulated blood forming the scabby scratches that marred her arms.
"Is that why you were screaming last night?"
So he had heard. Probably had heard it last night, and the night before that, and the night before that—a continuous, repeated wail of agony and sorrow that pervaded her mind day in and day out. It was foolish of her to think that he could not hear it, or even that he would ignore it. It was not whom Inugami was. The only surprise was that he waited so long to bring it up.
"It's nothing."
"That's not true, and you know it." He casually scraped the remaining bacon onto his own plate before throwing the pan into the sink full of soapy suds. He didn't immediately reach for his food. "I feel powerless to help you when you're in pain like that. I don't like feeling powerless."
Aoshika's hands clenched tighter on her arms, and she looked away from him.
"They'll go away in time. The nightmares always do."
Inugami looked skeptical, lips pursed, before he stuck his fork more violently into his bacon than he needed to.
"Do they?" He seemed distant as he asked the question. "Mine never did."
Her eyes slowly slid to his face and their eyes locked before he sharply glanced away, pushing the plate of food away from him in disgust.
Did he understand what she was going through? The ever-recurring, abhorred symptoms of PTSD? Did he suffer from it, too?
"All of us have our demons, Ms. Aoshika," he continued, gazing out the kitchen window, arm folded across his chest. The morning light accentuated the strong line of his jaw. "The two of us just happen to have more so than others."
VI.
The wolves were still out there, even when Inugami had left to go into the nearest town almost 100 miles away. The trips were necessary, either to pick up the scant pieces of mail from the post office or to purchase fresh fruits and vegetables—something they couldn't always harvest during the harsh winters on the Alaskan tundra.
Aoshika didn't like going down there. She had made the trip once, early on, when Inugami invited her, but once she had arrived, she clung to him like a helpless child, cold and afraid with her hands bathed in sweat. Civilization seemed evil and polluted with her recent plight still fresh in her mind, conjuring up unwanted memories—even when Alaska bore no resemblance to the Japanese city in which she grew up in.
Her cellphone rang, rattling on the kitchen counter, and she snatched it up, the caller ID registering as Inugami.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, hey." The voice on the other end of the line was laced with static, reception poor, and she could just barely make out the crowds of people chattering in the background. Was such a small grocery always this busy? "Looks like I'm gonna' be late comin' home. Storm that's kicked up over here's pretty bad. State troopers are keeping everyone here 'til it blows over. Cars're completely buried."
"Is the storm expected to make its way over to our area?"
"Yeah, they believe so. I'd start making sure you have all the windows secured. It's pretty brutal over here. Probably get worse as it blows over the tundra." There was a pause on the other end of the line. "'Gonna slow down the packs that come through this way to mate. Wouldn't be surprised if Adax has taken the pack into the den to wait it out. But yeah, it'll take half a day to dig ourselves out of this. Should be home by tomorrow morning."
Aoshika's lips pulled together into a thin line, nervous and taut, glancing back at the wolves pacing in the distance outside the window. They seemed oblivious to the impending weather.
He picked up on her hesitation.
"You'll be okay?" His casual attitude was gone.
"Yes, I'll be fine."
The lie sprung easily from her lips now. She didn't like being left alone. Not after that. If she had just asked for it, Inugami would have abandoned the car entirely and made the long trek back in the winter's storm just to quell her fears.
But Aoshika was stronger than that.
"Stay safe."
His amused grin could practically be heard from over the phone.
"I will."
VII.
Inugami heard the helicopter and the following gunshot long before Aoshika heard the earsplitting howl that rent the air. He was out the door and sprinting across the snow barefoot before she could stop him.
"Fuck!"
Hunting the grey wolf in Alaska was not an illegal act, and from August to April, they were even considered big game. Inugami was constantly on edge during these months, ears alert, always hovering near a door or window to bring aid to his pack should it be needed. They had been lucky...until now.
"I can't do anything but avoid them if they're hunting us according to regulations," Inugami had told her once. "It's the unlicensed aerial hunters shooting illegally that are the dangerous ones. They don't understand the concept of population control; only money."
It was only after two hours of trekking through the snow did Aoshika find Inugami again, the pack members pushing their noses into his hand in greeting, a blood-stained pocket knife peeking out of the back pocket of his cargo pants.
She stopped a respectable distance away from them, wary of Adax's warning snarl.
"What happened?"
Inugami turned to her, eyes hard.
"Poacher. Had to slit this one's throat to end it. Too much buckshot and not enough accuracy." He jerked his head to the wolf lying motionless in the red-tinged snow, tongue lolling heavily out of its mouth. He didn't seem mournful in the least. "Guy's been trailing the pack for at least half a year tryin' to get back in after being pushed out."
He had pointed out this particular "omega wolf" months ago, but both he and the rest of the pack seemed to ignore him, leaving him only scraps of their game to eat. Even Inugami, known to be sympathetic to his own kind, snapped at this particular wolf when he got too close.
"What are you going to do with him?"
"Eat 'im."
A bead of sweat trickled down the back of Aoshika's neck. Did wolves eat their own—even former pack members?
Her eyes were wide as she watched him throw the battered wolf's carcass casually over his shoulder.
"What?" The word was shaky as she uttered it, barely audible under the excited yapping of the pups. But he heard her.
"We can't afford to be picky, Teach. It's one thing when I can hunt the caribou, but they've migrated out for the season. I've got more than the pack to feed, now. This guy should last us a good, long while if we store an' salt 'im properly." He said it as if it were the most logical thing in the world.
"But that's..."
He cut her off.
"Inhumane? Cannibalistic? Something animals would do?" Inugami seemed angry now, a slight growling edge creeping into his voice, eyes growing cold. "Say it Ms. Aoshika! Say it! Tell me what I am!"
She jerked back at his voice, turning her head to the side to avoid his gaze. That's right. Inugami was...
"I'm not human. I never will be. Don't think of me as one."
But even two months later, he still hadn't touched the wolf's meat in the storehouse.
VIII.
When Aoshika woke up, there was blood on the front porch.
She had slept through the storm, even as the windows howled in protest against the barrage of wind. But as she looked out of the frosted glass, she could see the pack of wolves pacing up and down the length of the deck, one of them slumped to the ground, twitching sporadically, white froth forming at the corner of its mouth.
Anax...
Adax's mate was an extremely large, shaggy-looking she-wolf—the alpha female. While not nearly as aggressive as her male counterpart, she took to watching Aoshika with a haughty, yet not quite so threatening, gaze. But that regal manner she once held was gone from the buckshot lodged deep into her throat, her eyes panicked and wild.
Hunters after the storm? They must have waited early at their den and then took the shot. How far had she and her family dragged themselves over here to escape the danger?
Aoshika chewed on her thumbnail, hastily running through her options, working through the problem like only a teacher could.
They're obviously waiting on Inugami, but Anax may not be able to hold on for that long. If I try to help them now, Adax will surely try to attack me for going too near his family. But...
What had Inugami told her a few days before? That they didn't trust her because she seemed wary?
"But you can't show too much confidence," he had reminded her. "The alpha will think it a threat. Use passive submission whenever possible if you feel that the pack is getting aggressive."
She had laughed when he fell to the ground, rolling onto his back with his arms drawn close in front of him, making something akin to a whimpering noise.
But perhaps he wasn't really joking, despite the absolutely ridiculous grin plastered onto his face as he looked up at her from the floor. When it came down to it, would she have to do that too? Act more like a wolf and less like a human?
She glanced out the window again, and Adax had turned her way, his eyes impassive towards her before turning back to his mate to nudge his muzzle into her armpit.
Letting off a hiss of breath between her teeth, Aoshika steeled her nerves before opening the door and stepping out into the freezing air.
The sudden temperature change hit her like a slap to the face, and all three wolves seemed to freeze before Adax's lips pulled back into a feral snarl to expose large canines, ears flattened, his entire body coiled to spring.
She dropped to the ground instantly, exposing her stomach and throat, and he pulled up short, his ears gradually swinging themselves forward, though his muscles were still tensed to pounce, wary and unsure at the sudden change in Aoshika's behavior.
Sitiyok was the first to trot up to her, trailed by her brother, U-na, sniffing at her with a large, wet nose.
Don't move, she reminded herself. One snap of those fangs and it'll all be over for you.
But neither wolf pup seemed interested in rending into her neck, instead opting to lay down next to her, heads between their paws. She probably smelled like Inugami.
Adax, however, remained unimpressed.
Reaching out a hand towards Anax, her fingers had barely touched the fur of the she-wolf's coat before Adax let off a short, sharp bark, and she jerked her hand back.
"It's okay," she whispered to the wolf towering over her, wondering if she was trying to reassure him or herself. "I'm not going to hurt you. Please, let me help."
The alpha regarded her for a few moments before letting off something akin to a huff, turning his back to her.
It wasn't a full acceptance, she knew, but at least it was an acknowledgement that he had no other choice but to trust her.
IX.
"I'm sorry."
The words were dry and cracked, just like her lips.
She felt guilty, and she could tell Inugami felt rejected, even though his voice remained a cool mask of indifference as he replied.
"I should be the one saying that. I pushed you too far. I misjudged."
She hadn't even realized she had shut down underneath him when he had wedged a knee between her thighs. And he had panicked, of course, trying to bring her back out of it, gripping one of her shoulders in a vice-like hold. Even he was not infallible, she supposed, worry bleeding into the edge of his voice as he had led her through a hasty series of grounding exercises.
He didn't offer to leave, afterwards, nor did he offer to stay. He just lay there, back to her, waiting for her decision. It wasn't that she didn't want the physical intimacy from him—they both knew that—and she could not deny how good it felt when he had his lips at her throat and his remaining stump of a hand covering a breast as her fingers explored the hard planes of his chest. But...
"Do you hate me?"
Funny how she uttered the same words her last husband asked her before she divorced him.
He didn't immediately answer, and Aoshika could feel her heart break in those long seconds of silence. History, in her mind, it seemed, was bound to repeat itself.
Finally, her turned to look at her over a bare shoulder.
"No. Why would I?"
She pulled the blankets tighter to her naked body, the pressure in her chest squeezing painfully.
"Txin yaktakuq. Do you remember what it means?" he asked, turning himself fully towards her. There were remnants of tears dried sticky on his left cheek, and her thumb reached up to erase them. His eyes closed at the action.
I love you... He had taught her that much in Aleut, at least, and they weren't words Inugami tended to throw around lightly.
She heaved something akin to a sob—a heavy, disbelieving sound.
"Yes."
He smiled.
"I meant what I said when it doesn't matter. Days, weeks, years. I'll wait. Even if it's forever. I don't lie, Teach."
That self-assured smirk of his was back on his face—for her sake.
"It's just your moral values, right?"
He chuckled. "Somethin' like that. We'll deal somehow."
She didn't realize just how exactly he was dealing with it until two days later when she found a crumpled sheet of paper underneath one of the couch cushions that read, "Support group for partners of rape victims".
She laughed so hard she cried.
Author's Note: I had been sitting on this idea for a while now, and felt now was the time to brush it off and bring it back to into the light. I do realize that this story deals with sensitive (and sometimes unmentionable) subject matter, which I feel needs to be discussed more. As always, I am completely open to your questions, concerns, and feedback. Thank you.