Disclaimer: Katekyo Hitman Reborn belongs to Akira Amano, and no other.
Not While I Love
The first- Regrettable Decision
The afternoon sunlight filtered through the kitchen window, bathing Nana Sawada in a warm, lazy glow. The usually crowded kitchen only held only the young looking, short-haired brunette woman, which was something of a quiet reprieve for her.
Setting aside some pickled ume and nori seaweed, she began the process of making onigiri- a treat for her son. Since coming home from school today, more than an hour ago, he had gone straight to his room, shutting himself away without a word.
Friendly mouth settled in a concerned frown, she wondered what had happened to Tsuna today. Even if he hadn't ignored her and said things were fine, she would have known- call it maternal instinct, but she could always gauge his mood with a glance. And right now, he seemed unhappier than he had been in a long time.
Sighing, she hoped he would get better soon, as she diligently worked on the rice balls. He overreacted over small things, true, but he seemed genuinely depressed right now…
Tsunayoshi Sawada lay on his bed, unseeing. He couldn't stop thinking about how he had confessed to Kyoko, and how it could have gone so wrong.
During the actual confession, he had barely noticed a thing, as if he were in a dream-like state. But he had obsessed over that moment for the rest of the day, his mind replaying the same scene endless times, until he could recreate that moment in exquisite- and excruciating- detail.
It was the end of lunch. Kyoko had been about to go back to class, and the courtyard was nearly empty. Tsuna had been hoping they would be on the rooftop that lunchtime, suggesting it several times, but Gokudera was hardly one for subtle hints, and had been too lazy to go up there with the rest of them.
The rooftop had felt right, like a perfect place for this sort of thing, but there was no way of casually asking her to go all that way alone with him. He knew his nerve wouldn't hold out for long, and he had a feeling that today was the right day for this, so he convinced himself the place didn't matter. The courtyard it was.
Tsuna had fussed over everything imaginable, such as wishing he had brought mints to hide the smell of his bento, eaten at the start of lunch and still sure to be on his lips. He had somehow forgotten a comb, and was sure his hair was a horrible mess.
He barely noticed the conversation around him; heart thumping like a taiko-drum being beaten loudly at a festival. His mind could only handle one concept- today, he was going to ask out Kyoko Sasagawa.
Looking back, Tsuna still couldn't believe he had actually done that. His eyes closed with the memory of her face- her shock, slight embarrassment, and a look he instantly recognised as pity. The same look everyone always gave him, he knew.
He was No-Good-Tsuna- how could he have hoped, or even dared to imagine her going out with him?
"I'm so sorry… Tsuna, you're a great friend, but…"
Tsuna turned over, burying his head into his pillow. He remembered telling her all about the mafia by the setting sun, and how she had accepted it so calmly. How she had looked up in gratitude when he saved her life in the future, or when she had given him that small charm up at the school.
It must have really been just some small trinket to her, Tsuna sadly realised, having thought of the little fish with such magnitude like an idiot. If she hadn't sewn it into his clothes, thoughtfully, he would have thrown it out of the window right then and there.
He'd somehow thought that all of those times with her meant something, that she really did think of him in a similar way… but maybe she was just that kind to everyone. Of course she was- her kindness was one of the things about her that he loved the most!
Tsuna turned once more on his bed, as if he was covered in an unbearable itch.
"Are you alright? I… I wish I felt the same way, but…"
She had stammered the whole time, blushing. She must have been flattered, even if she didn't reciprocate his feelings, he thought.
The tress burning a bright green behind her, the warm red brick of the wall- the memory of that moment seemed burnt into his retinas, unable to let him think of anything else. Even the ever-present worry of the mafia world seemed distant, and unimportant.
What mattered was that the fun, kind, unbearably pretty, creative girl in his year had just said no, and would probably never feel comfortable around him ever again.
Tsuna remained in his room the whole day.
Reborn kept a close eye on his pupil, from outside on a tree. Calmly polishing the handgun he had just taken apart, more out of habit than any real purpose, he thought about Tsuna.
He had seen Tsuna's botched declaration of romance from another hiding place, and was glad his student had finally gathered the backbone to ask such a thing. His expressionless eyes betrayed nothing, as he pondered how exactly to treat Tsuna. He decided a small break from training would suffice; in a few days, training would resume as normal.
He was already responsible for clearing the house that day, so as to give him some time alone. Reborn wouldn't say he was doing this all for Tsuna of course; if the boy snapped in his state and said something he might later regret to Lambo, Gokudera, or anyone else who annoyed him, things could become difficult.
A small part of the hitman wondered what he would do next, and how Tsuna would recover. He'd held it together surprisingly well in class, merely quiet and a little glum.
Later, that night. Tsuna had attempted to eat, as well as play some games, but was unable to do either. He thought he'd finally decided on what to do, after seemingly hours spent staring up at the ceiling.
If the young Vongola Decimo simplified it, there were 3 choices open to him. Date another girl, which was obvious, but seemed impossible to him. He'd never felt this way about someone else; he could hardly think of dating at all without Kyoko involved. That assumed the next girl he liked would even consider him as well, he thought dejectedly.
The next option was to not consider dating, and focus all of his extra time and emotion on school work, or even sport and mafia-training. This didn't seem like an option to the boy, and was also discarded immediately.
His final option, to him, made absolute perfect sense.
Kyoko had always been on his mind, before she even spoke to him at class. He had been in serious risk of becoming a recluse or hikikomori at one point in life, when the bullying and teasing became too much.
But knowing she was there at school gave him a reason to go, and she had helped him a lot, even without her knowing. During all of the mafia business, and all of the battles he had fought, Kyoko was one of the people he would willingly die to protect, and had been his motivation when things seemed their darkest.
The thought of her gave him strength…
So he would be with her after all. Tsuna didn't know how he would convince her to give him a chance, or how long it would take, but he had to try. There had to be something, some reason she would go out with a loser like him, and he would find it.
Eyes widening with hope, Tsuna knew he sounded a little desperate, even in his head. But there was no way he could forget about someone as loving and amazing as her.
Kyoko hadn't given him a clear reason why not, which made it seem even more possible to him.
"I'm sorry, Tsuna-kun… I just, don't see it happening."
"But why not?"
"Well… I just can't. I'm sorry, I have to go to class now." And with that, she had paused for just a second, before hurrying indoors.
Crestfallen, Tsuna had wanted to yell back a dozen thoughts, feelings and reasons at her, none of which came to his lips.
She hadn't said she would never date, or even why she would not… Tsuna knew he was grasping at straws, but it wasn't like she liked someone else, or was against dating guys at her school.
There was every possibility that it was some small, easily-removed reason that had made her say no. Tsuna clenched his fists unconsciously, as he steeled himself. If he could find out why she had said no, he would be able to change her mind. This thought resonated with him, like a mantra against depression.
And so, Tsuna's feelings towards Kyoko did not change at all, and he decided to continue trying to win her heart regardless.