Summary: Spencer falls into a madness when he gets punished in the abbey. Kai's suicide doesn't help Spencer's state and his friends unsure actions are the last drop of it. Can Spencer stay in the reality, or does he start to live in his fantasies and hallucinations?

Chapter I: the thin line between us and our consciousness

I take the pen and I open an old, dirty and half-empty notebook. When you look at it, you would think it's not important to anyone, that there's nothing interesting, that it's just laying on the table just because someone has forgotten it there. The truth is something else. When you open the notebook, when you look at the pages filled with blood-drops, tears and coffee-spills and amazingly beautifully written text, you see that it has someone's life in it. At least half of it.

It has someone's sorrow, pain and hallucinations in it's pages.

Every time I open the notebook, my heart beats ten times harder, powered by all that sorrow and false hope.

I put the pen down and then I pick it up again. I repeat this ten times, I bite my lips until they seep blood. My fingers hit the hard-wooden desk. There's only one blur lamp that lights the desk. I can hardly see my text on the pages.

This time, my pen hits the empty page.

July, 15th I write on it's left upper corner. I stop writing. I gaze around. No one's awake. I think about the words in my head. The pen hits the page.

Diary… I can't help it. I'm madly in love with him… But I don't know does he love me at all. I don't know what he feels towards me, but somehow I know him better than others. Again, I gaze around, listen to the deep breaths of my teammates. I look at the page. I stare at the coffee-spill on the one corner. I take my pen, put it back to the one edge of the table and I shut my diary that looks like an old notebook. I shut the light and I sit to my bed. I cross my fingers and I stare at them. I gaze at my teammates. I hear quiet cry. Ian is crying while sleep again. I slowly take him to my lap and I rock him slowly. His cries end, now there's just a silent whisper in the air. I put the youngest boy back under his bed-covers and I go back to my bed. I stare out of the window, where the cold Russian night blows. It's not a beautiful night, I think storm's coming by.

I lay awake on my bed, thinking all the misery that I've felt during these fourteen years. I gaze my look back at the window. It's full moon, but dark clouds hide it so the room is darker than it should be. My bed is right next to the window and the though crosses my mind like it does every night. Why don't you end your life, if it's so awful? Why don't you just open the window and jump?

But I know I can't do that. I can't do that because I'm afraid of death. And because we might be too low, and maybe I would be just injured badly? My mind sings a simple, quiet lullaby for me. The voice is familiar, it's not my own but someone else's. And I can't go because of him. My star in the skies. My sweet star of hope, something that gives me power to keep going in this hellish life of mine. I close my eyes, I gaze at all those dreams that I cannot reach.

"Can I sleep next to you? I can't— I can't get any sleep…"

There he is, my bright star of hope, my beautiful son of skies, reborn phoenix. I nod at him and he cuddles next to me. I feel his steady breathing on my skin. I stroke his smooth hair, his silky skin, his red, full lips. I reached one of my dreams, that dream where I can share a night with him. I close my eyes and my mind gives me a beautiful dream that soon breaks and gives it's position to a living nightmare.

I wake up when someone yells at me. It's a male, there's no doubt about that. I listen his yelling, how he lists the punishments that I'm now supposed to fulfill. I don't deny anything, I gaze at my friends. They're too scared to say anything, but they don't even have to say anything. I understand how they feel, howsorry and scared they are. But my phoenix, so beautiful in the skies, is now trapped in his deep, depressed emotions when he stares at me when I walk pass him. I smile at him and my lips whisper silent words to him: I'll be back and I love you until the end of time.

I don't know what the time is when I get out of that dark, empty and scary room. My mind feels different, a lot heavier than before. Like something massive had happened in there while I was locked in that empty, cold room with no light or food or any hope anywhere. But now I can see my beautiful, flaming phoenix again. I want to look at his deep, flame-red eyes again, touch his silky skin, touch his full lips and kiss his forehead. I walk inside our cold room. My friends stare at me. Their faces were white and their eyes scream from sorrow, but I don't see it. I gaze across the room. My phoenix isn't here. My eyes meet sad wolf eyes. My eyes asked the very question: Where is he? Where is my phoenix, my phoenix, able to reborn. No one says anything. They try to avoid eye-contact with me. Then I whisper the question. They shiver, and stare at the floor.

"He… He got a punishment…" I try to examine their faces, but they're just sad. For what, I don't know. Kai didn't come back at the day. The very next day I know why. I wake up and I see Kai sitting on his bed. "Kai! You're back." I state with a smile on my face He doesn't say anything, nor do he smile. My phoenix. I touch his cheek and I sit next to him. I give him a hug. My skin touch his, my lips feel his full, soft lips. My beautiful phoenix once again free in the blue, snowy sky of Moscow. I turn towards the Red one of our group. I ask why he doesn't say anything. Doesn't he see my phoenix, my star of hope? But the fierce wolf just smiles his forced smile. He doesn't say anything. Then he finally nods and sits next to me.

"I don't know how to tell you this… but…" The Red wolf grab some of my bed cover in his fist. I stare at his ice blue eyes.

"He hanged himself from the roof just whew days before youcame back from the punishment" I stare at Ian who said that sentence. He stared at me, his eyes meet mine. I took him on my lap and I rock him. Just so they wouldn't see my tears. I muttered something that no one could hear. He can't be gone, I see him… With my very own eyes. "You're just shock… You see hallucinations. Go to sleep" The fierce wolf says. I go under the covers and Kai kisses my forehead and goes to the window and stares at the stormy sky of Russian night.

Sakura wo Miro:

I decided to post this here. I have made it for Airtos who hinted that he/sheliked angst-stories. I'm sorry, Airtos, there won't be any rapes or such but Ihope you like it. This story is also my favourite angsting story. I'm sorry that it's so short and it's nostalgia little bit fells down, I made it in one day, and I sort of lost the atmosphere near the end...I hope it's not boring. But it will be beautiful fic, I promise that. I hope you like it