A/N Not related to my 'Attack of the Bad Dialogue', this strange idea popped into my head while walking through the pissing English rain, drinking Burger King coffee and ruminating on the brilliant Lewis/Tyson fight, which Samuel L. Jackson attended...Title is filched from the classic 'Ferris Beuler's Day Off'.
Disclaimer: I did, in fact, create this. I am George Lucas. Nope, not really.
Summary: Jedi master Mace Windu rediscovers the groove he lost many years ago - how will this affect his fellow Jedi?
Rating: Fffff...say PG-13 for language, depending on how easily offended you are.
Feedback: Please! Please, please, please? But flames we do not like.
Archive: If anyone is crazy enough to actually *want* this, they can have it. Please tell me where it went though.
Mace Windu's Day Off
Senior Jedi master and council member Mace Windu was a very important Jedi. We know this because he had a purple lightsabre, whereas everyone else had green or electric blue, or red, if they happened to be a Sith.
Mace Windu, being so very important, was not allowed to be truly *cool*. Although we all know he *was* very cool because his lightsabre was purple and he had a shaved head, and because, hey, it's Samuel L. Jackson. Whatever. Despite this, Mace Windu, due to his position, was expected to be sombre, serene, and very very boring, because this is appropriate to a senior Jedi.
Mace Windu grew bored - bored of the endless whinging of his fellow Jedi council members, bored of Master Yoda's poor grammar and habit of whacking people with his stick, bored of padawans becoming Sith and slaying their masters. Bored of Knight Kenobi's endless whinging about how his padawan, Evil Anakin, didn't love him and how it was all Qui-Gon's fault; bored of Padawan Skywalker's endless whinging about how Senator Amidala, Padme, didn't love him and it was all Obi-Wan's fault, and how he had to wear this stupid braid that made him look like even more of a girl than he already was. Bored, even, of his purple lightsabre. Mace Windu even considered growing some hair, just for a change. Then he remember how Qui-Gon Jinn had tried that, and ended up looking like an old rocker who'd taken to tree hugging in his dotage. Mace Windu changed his mind about the hair. But he needed something more in his life than the Force, something more than the grammarless gremlin, something more than his purple lightsabre.
A day came when Mace Windu simply couldn't stand it anymore. He was walking along a corridor, thinking to himself that a cup of coffee would be nice, when Yoda floated up on his tea-tray and smacked Mace in the back of the head.
"Ouch! Good morning, Yoda."
"Morning Windu good Mace."
"Eh?"
"Syntax in lessons having am I. Getting it better is."
"No, it isn't, if anything, it's worse."
"You to bollocks." And Yoda flew off.
*I can't stand this anymore* thought Mace Windu.
He continued on his way. Before he could reach the canteen, however, a familiar ginger Jedi stalked up to him looking pompously annoyed.
"Master Windu? Could I have a word?"
"Yes, of course, Kenobi."
"It's about my padawan. He's misbehaving again. This morning he put clingfilm over the toilet seat. It just wasn't funny. And I think he's having sex with that senator - this distresses me because as you know, I'm a royalist and I hate politicians. And he keeps saying he'd rather be in Philadelphia, having sex with Padme. And he flies too fast in that speeder. I really do think he hates me. He keeps saying how life would have been better if I'd been impaled on that Sith's lightsabre after all - both ends. And he keeps interrupting me when I'm talking at him, which is awful, since as you know I absolutely love the sound of my own charming, cultured, smooth, British voice. And he says I talk out of my bottom. And that I'm an arrogant bastard. And you know it's all Qui-Gon's fault. He never finished training me properly. He preferred Anakin to me, even though Anakin was only nine, and a scruffy, lice-infested slave boy at that. And on top of all that, the other week I lost a planet. Embarrassing, it was. It hurts, Master Windu. It hurts. What should I do?"
Mace Windu thought carefully for a long moment. Then he said,
"I'd recommend dying your hair black, shaving off that stupid beard and crawling back to Baz Luhrmann on your hands and knees, begging his forgiveness. Then try your hand at a real movie. Worked for Alec Guinness."
"Er...thank you, master Windu, I think I'll just go and meditate on the living Force for a few years, if it's all the same to you. Keep an eye on Anakin, would you? He's so headstrong, he's just bound to become a Sith."
Kenobi minced off. *I can't take another day of this* thought Mace Windu.
Upon entering the canteen, the first person he saw was padawan Skywalker, looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp as usual. Scrunching up his face even more, Anakin made his way, pouting, over to Mace.
"Master Windu? Can I talk to you about something?"
"Yes, of course, padawan." Said Mace, wearily.
"Well, it's about my master. He just doesn't understand me. I think he's jealous because I get to be the pretty boy in this movie and he has to be an old weirdy-beardy. And last night he ate three portions of roast bantha, and drank five bottles of wine all to himself, then blamed me for the mess in the bathroom this morning. He said I'd put clingfilm over the toilet but I didn't - he just fouled himself because he was so hung over. And he seems to hate me - think he's jealous because I was conceived by the living Force and his father was a hobo - but at other times I think he's coming on to me. And I really hate his stupid English accent. How come all the other Jedi have American accents while he talks like a schoolboy from Eton? He's the only master in the temple who sounds like he's got a rod up his ass. Why can't I have an American master? And..."
"Padawan." Said Mace Windu, "I would recommend that you discuss this problem with your master, not with me. This is between you and Kenobi. Now please, I need coffee..."
"Yes, but..."
"That's enough!" Roared Mace Windu. "I can't take anymore! I'm taking the day off!"
Mace Windu ran out of the canteen, screaming. He ran around the temple for a long time until eventually, he began to calm down. He decided to meditate in the hope of getting some guidance from the Force.
Returning to his private quarters, Mace Windu assumed the meditation position - sticking his head between his legs and whistling up his arse - and awaited enlightenment. It didn't come. However, after only half an hour of standing with his head up his arse, Mace Windu felt a Presence in the room. Extracting his head, he saw a familiar form, made to look blue by the special effects. It was his dead friend, Qui-Gon! But there was something different about him...ah, that was it! He was wearing a studded bomber jacket, an enormous silver crucifix, leather trousers, Ray-Bans, and a gold earring in his left ear. He still had the old man ponytail.
"Hello?" Said Mace Windu uncertainly. "Have you come to give me some advice?"
"Yo, Mace, how's it hangin', dude? Yeah, advice is what you need, man. You know your problem, Mace?"
"Everyone else?"
"No, no, the problem lies within *you*, bro. You've lost your groove, man."
"My...groove? But Qui, I was once the coolest, grooviest, hottest Jedi in the temple!"
"True, blue, but all those years of council meetings have worn you down. You know how I used to say, screw the council and go with the Force? Well, that's the way to be, man. That's the way. I respect the Force, brother, and the Force respects me. You dis the Force, the Force forgets you, man, I'm tellin' you."
"I've seen the Light!" Cried Mace Windu. "I've been dissin' the Force, all these years...listenin' to Yoda's little green ass...you're right, Qui! You're so right! That's it...from now on I'm followin' the Force, and I'm gonna be the hottest, grooviest, coolest, Jedi bitch sex machine in the whole friggin' temple!"
"You go, guy! And hey," Qui-Gon winked, "if you can get the rod out of Obi-Wan's ass, you'll be doing the Force a favour."
"I'll give it my best shot!"
"Spread the word! Feel the Force! And hey, Mace," he winked again, "take your head outta your ass, huh? Seeya!" And with that, Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon vanished.
In a daze of excitement Mace Windu made his way back to the canteen, ready to spread the groovy word to everyone he met. Today was the day drudgery ended! Today was freedom! Today was the coolest! Today was...Mace Windu's day off!
To be continued...next instalment: The groove spreads through the Council - on Master Yoda's Day Off!
Yeah, it's silly, please review ;-)
Disclaimer: I did, in fact, create this. I am George Lucas. Nope, not really.
Summary: Jedi master Mace Windu rediscovers the groove he lost many years ago - how will this affect his fellow Jedi?
Rating: Fffff...say PG-13 for language, depending on how easily offended you are.
Feedback: Please! Please, please, please? But flames we do not like.
Archive: If anyone is crazy enough to actually *want* this, they can have it. Please tell me where it went though.
Mace Windu's Day Off
Senior Jedi master and council member Mace Windu was a very important Jedi. We know this because he had a purple lightsabre, whereas everyone else had green or electric blue, or red, if they happened to be a Sith.
Mace Windu, being so very important, was not allowed to be truly *cool*. Although we all know he *was* very cool because his lightsabre was purple and he had a shaved head, and because, hey, it's Samuel L. Jackson. Whatever. Despite this, Mace Windu, due to his position, was expected to be sombre, serene, and very very boring, because this is appropriate to a senior Jedi.
Mace Windu grew bored - bored of the endless whinging of his fellow Jedi council members, bored of Master Yoda's poor grammar and habit of whacking people with his stick, bored of padawans becoming Sith and slaying their masters. Bored of Knight Kenobi's endless whinging about how his padawan, Evil Anakin, didn't love him and how it was all Qui-Gon's fault; bored of Padawan Skywalker's endless whinging about how Senator Amidala, Padme, didn't love him and it was all Obi-Wan's fault, and how he had to wear this stupid braid that made him look like even more of a girl than he already was. Bored, even, of his purple lightsabre. Mace Windu even considered growing some hair, just for a change. Then he remember how Qui-Gon Jinn had tried that, and ended up looking like an old rocker who'd taken to tree hugging in his dotage. Mace Windu changed his mind about the hair. But he needed something more in his life than the Force, something more than the grammarless gremlin, something more than his purple lightsabre.
A day came when Mace Windu simply couldn't stand it anymore. He was walking along a corridor, thinking to himself that a cup of coffee would be nice, when Yoda floated up on his tea-tray and smacked Mace in the back of the head.
"Ouch! Good morning, Yoda."
"Morning Windu good Mace."
"Eh?"
"Syntax in lessons having am I. Getting it better is."
"No, it isn't, if anything, it's worse."
"You to bollocks." And Yoda flew off.
*I can't stand this anymore* thought Mace Windu.
He continued on his way. Before he could reach the canteen, however, a familiar ginger Jedi stalked up to him looking pompously annoyed.
"Master Windu? Could I have a word?"
"Yes, of course, Kenobi."
"It's about my padawan. He's misbehaving again. This morning he put clingfilm over the toilet seat. It just wasn't funny. And I think he's having sex with that senator - this distresses me because as you know, I'm a royalist and I hate politicians. And he keeps saying he'd rather be in Philadelphia, having sex with Padme. And he flies too fast in that speeder. I really do think he hates me. He keeps saying how life would have been better if I'd been impaled on that Sith's lightsabre after all - both ends. And he keeps interrupting me when I'm talking at him, which is awful, since as you know I absolutely love the sound of my own charming, cultured, smooth, British voice. And he says I talk out of my bottom. And that I'm an arrogant bastard. And you know it's all Qui-Gon's fault. He never finished training me properly. He preferred Anakin to me, even though Anakin was only nine, and a scruffy, lice-infested slave boy at that. And on top of all that, the other week I lost a planet. Embarrassing, it was. It hurts, Master Windu. It hurts. What should I do?"
Mace Windu thought carefully for a long moment. Then he said,
"I'd recommend dying your hair black, shaving off that stupid beard and crawling back to Baz Luhrmann on your hands and knees, begging his forgiveness. Then try your hand at a real movie. Worked for Alec Guinness."
"Er...thank you, master Windu, I think I'll just go and meditate on the living Force for a few years, if it's all the same to you. Keep an eye on Anakin, would you? He's so headstrong, he's just bound to become a Sith."
Kenobi minced off. *I can't take another day of this* thought Mace Windu.
Upon entering the canteen, the first person he saw was padawan Skywalker, looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp as usual. Scrunching up his face even more, Anakin made his way, pouting, over to Mace.
"Master Windu? Can I talk to you about something?"
"Yes, of course, padawan." Said Mace, wearily.
"Well, it's about my master. He just doesn't understand me. I think he's jealous because I get to be the pretty boy in this movie and he has to be an old weirdy-beardy. And last night he ate three portions of roast bantha, and drank five bottles of wine all to himself, then blamed me for the mess in the bathroom this morning. He said I'd put clingfilm over the toilet but I didn't - he just fouled himself because he was so hung over. And he seems to hate me - think he's jealous because I was conceived by the living Force and his father was a hobo - but at other times I think he's coming on to me. And I really hate his stupid English accent. How come all the other Jedi have American accents while he talks like a schoolboy from Eton? He's the only master in the temple who sounds like he's got a rod up his ass. Why can't I have an American master? And..."
"Padawan." Said Mace Windu, "I would recommend that you discuss this problem with your master, not with me. This is between you and Kenobi. Now please, I need coffee..."
"Yes, but..."
"That's enough!" Roared Mace Windu. "I can't take anymore! I'm taking the day off!"
Mace Windu ran out of the canteen, screaming. He ran around the temple for a long time until eventually, he began to calm down. He decided to meditate in the hope of getting some guidance from the Force.
Returning to his private quarters, Mace Windu assumed the meditation position - sticking his head between his legs and whistling up his arse - and awaited enlightenment. It didn't come. However, after only half an hour of standing with his head up his arse, Mace Windu felt a Presence in the room. Extracting his head, he saw a familiar form, made to look blue by the special effects. It was his dead friend, Qui-Gon! But there was something different about him...ah, that was it! He was wearing a studded bomber jacket, an enormous silver crucifix, leather trousers, Ray-Bans, and a gold earring in his left ear. He still had the old man ponytail.
"Hello?" Said Mace Windu uncertainly. "Have you come to give me some advice?"
"Yo, Mace, how's it hangin', dude? Yeah, advice is what you need, man. You know your problem, Mace?"
"Everyone else?"
"No, no, the problem lies within *you*, bro. You've lost your groove, man."
"My...groove? But Qui, I was once the coolest, grooviest, hottest Jedi in the temple!"
"True, blue, but all those years of council meetings have worn you down. You know how I used to say, screw the council and go with the Force? Well, that's the way to be, man. That's the way. I respect the Force, brother, and the Force respects me. You dis the Force, the Force forgets you, man, I'm tellin' you."
"I've seen the Light!" Cried Mace Windu. "I've been dissin' the Force, all these years...listenin' to Yoda's little green ass...you're right, Qui! You're so right! That's it...from now on I'm followin' the Force, and I'm gonna be the hottest, grooviest, coolest, Jedi bitch sex machine in the whole friggin' temple!"
"You go, guy! And hey," Qui-Gon winked, "if you can get the rod out of Obi-Wan's ass, you'll be doing the Force a favour."
"I'll give it my best shot!"
"Spread the word! Feel the Force! And hey, Mace," he winked again, "take your head outta your ass, huh? Seeya!" And with that, Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon vanished.
In a daze of excitement Mace Windu made his way back to the canteen, ready to spread the groovy word to everyone he met. Today was the day drudgery ended! Today was freedom! Today was the coolest! Today was...Mace Windu's day off!
To be continued...next instalment: The groove spreads through the Council - on Master Yoda's Day Off!
Yeah, it's silly, please review ;-)