Hey! I know, I know you might hate me right now but I am back! And to make up for my slack I am creating this lovely, funny one shot for all of you, ENJOY!

'Thoughts'

"Speaking"

Xxx

I sighed depressingly hands on my chin as I burned a hole into the bright pink envelope next to my bowl of beef ramen. I have been sitting at my favorite place in the world to eat Ichuraku's Ramen Bar for two hours just glowering at it.

"Naruto, what is wrong with you?" I heard a feminine voice call out to me.

I looked up and noticed it was Ayame who was speaking to me. "Huh? Oh, I am fine Ayame-chan nothings wrong with me, Dattebayo!" I said cheerily. When I looked back down to take a bite of my ramen to prove it I caught a glimpse of the pink envelope once more. My face went back to being downcast and I sighed once again as I looked down at my bowl and began to play with my noodles.

Ayame leaned in closer to me her eyebrows knitted together. "Oho, there is definitely something wrong with you, your on your first bowl of ramen which is now cold I might add and playing with the noodles! Normally at this time you would be on your 15th bowl! Now tell me what's wrong with you." She demanded.

I sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time this day as I let my head hit the table, hard. "I'm fine okay and it's not a problem a woman could handle anyway." I grumbled irritatedly.

Ayame leaned back her lips in an O shape. "Oh, so it's manly advice you need, well I know the best person for that." She said cheerily as she skipped off to the backroom before I could grab her.

Seconds later she came back dragging a red face Ichuraku from the kitchen.

"Ayame now what is the meaning of this! We need to get back to work, we are very busy right now as you can see." Old man Ichuraku said irritatedly.

Ayame and I both looked around the empty restaurant and back to Ichuraku with a disbelieving look. "Uhhh yeah, I can see your very busy and all Old man Ichuraku but I really need your help!" I pleaded with the best puppy dog eyes I could muster.

"Yeah Dad Naruto really needs some help, he's been in a funk for the last two hours." Ayame said adding a little chocolate to the sundae and like a pro did the most convincing puppy dog eyes ever.

Ichuraku took one look at Ayame and I and sighed tiredly. "Okay, okay what's the problem?"

I smiled victoriously as I picked up the pink envelope and handed it to him. He took out the crème colored card from inside, opened it and began to read aloud.

You're invited to Sakura Haruno's 16th birthday party

Time: Midnight

End: It's a hotel so if you want to rent out a room go ahead ; )

Clothing: Must be formal or you won't be let in

Lastly you must bring a date or you will not be allowed in!

Ichuraku looked at my downcast face in understanding. "So...you need help...in asking out...a girl?" Ayame asked lowly.

I nodded my head solemnly and Ichuraku put a hand on my shoulder in understanding and comfort.

A few moments of silence went through the restaurant."Your such a baka! I am a girl, did you ever think that I would know how us woman would like you to ask us out?!" She screamed angrily.

Ichuraku turned and grabbed Ayame who was still ranting on and on by the shoulders leading her to the backroom. When he got her there he threw her inside and shut the door locking it with his key.

"Don't listen to her Naruto. All women say that to set you up for failure." Ichuraku said in an all knowing tone.

I nodded in understanding and in fright. In the backroom you could hear Ayame screaming and yelling and the door shaking out of control.

It was like Ichuraku couldn't hear it or was ignoring it completely as he went into a broken down cuber. Inside the cuber was an old rusty safe. You could hear the rust on the locks grinding against each other as he did the combination to open it. A whole bunch of dust flew from the opening of the safe causing us to squint and cough. When it died down Ichuraku took out a dust covered book.

He held it with the most care in the world as he walked over to me. He set it down care fully in front of me as he began to speak in a mystical tone. "This book has been passed down from generation to generation, this book has been the key to gaining a woman's heart."

I looked down at the book with admiration. I blew the dust from the tattered cover and read '1,000 Ways To Enrapture The woman Of Your Dreams'.

I opened the book to it's first page carefully and began to read.

Xxx

"Okay Naruto, this is the first attempt. There is a beautiful lady right there, you got this in the bag. Now just go over there and enrapture her!" Ichuraku shouted in giddy pleasure as he patted my shoulders.

I nodded in understanding as I gulped nervously and began to walk over to her. She was very beautiful, her hair was black and cut in a short sassy style that covered one of her vibrant green eyes which reflected the moon light, her lips as dark as a red apple from her lipstick and jutted out in a natural pout, her skin milk chocolate, which was a rare sight but all the more beautiful gleamed under the moon light, her long, slender legs that seemed to go on forever and ever, her hips wide, waist small, and bust almost as big as Tsunade's.

She was wearing a silk black kimono, the obi was white and tied on loosely so it showed her slim belly and oddly she was wearing no shoes on her small pretty feet.

I rubbed my sweaty hands on my ninja pants nervously as I stopped in front of her. I noticed as her eyes flicked over to me that on her eyelids she had smokey black eyeshadow that made her eyes look even more mysterious than they already did. She was also smoking a cigarette.

As she took another puff she began to talk in her low seductive voice."Well aren't you cute."

I took a deep breath and steeled myself."Haven't we met before?" I said in a husky tone, she raised an eyebrow

"No, I think we haven't since I'm like 10 years older than you." She said sarcastically her eyebrow twitching. I looked at her in disbelief. I then looked back at Ichuraku not knowing what to do. He motioned for me to give it another try.

I gulped as I looked back at her and said in a low voice while wiggling my eyebrows"If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. " She just stared at me. My eyes widened in surprise as I felt a small but powerful fist sock me in my face. I could feel my cheek already start to swell as I flew into some dumpsters.

In my daze I could hear her footsteps walk up to me. I grimaced as she yanked me up by my jackets collar out of the trash. As she punched me in my eye "If I saw a twerp like you naked I'd probably die laughing! Like some little brat like you could ever get the pleasure of seeing a woman like me naked!" She screamed in my face and then promptly let go of my collar allowing my head to fall back into the trash. She then left grumbling angrily about horny teenage boys.

Ichuraku ran over to my aid and helped me out of the mess. I glared at him angrily as he helped me get the trash off of me and yelled. "I thought that was suppose to work, I did everything you said to do, and I didn't even get the chance to ask her before she nailed me in my face!"

Ichuraku smiled cheekily and shrugged. "Maybe we should try some one your age."

Xxx

"Okay attempt one failed horribly, but attempt two will definitely work I see nothing that can go wrong in my full proof plan." Ichuraku said having all the faith in the world that this plan would work.

"You better be right." I grumbled angrily while still rubbing my sore cheek.

"I've spotted a pretty blonde one sitting on the bench, now do everything I told you to do and you'll have her in your hand like putty." Ichuraku said rubbing his hands together in creepy satisfaction.

I gave him a weird look but then shook it off as I began to walk over to her. As I got closer I saw that it was in fact Ino. I turned around and glared at Ichuraku who just gave me another cheeky smile and told me to make my move. As I walked closer I thought angrily 'Of course he would pick the second meanest girl I know."

I sighed as I sat next to Ino who gave me a smile. "Hey, Naruto! What are you doing?" Ino said brightly as she greeted me.

I smirked at her and said in a cool tone "Nothing much." I then threw my arm over her shoulders and scooted closer.

She looked at me weirdly and then looked at my arm in disgust "Uhh, Naruto what are you doing?"

I ignored her question as I stared into her eyes."Your eyes...they're amazing." I said as I brought up my hand and lifted her chin so I could get a better look.

She blushed prettily and said "T-thank you, yours are very nice too."

I smirked even more cause now I had her full attention 'Now time to reel her in.'

"Ino are you free tonight or will it cost me to take you to Sakura's party?"

Ino smiled dreamily but then it dropped suddenly as her eyebrows knitted together in confusion and then in understanding, she smiled once more at me and I back at her in silent victory and as I waited for her to say yes her forehead met mine in a hard head butt.

I flew off the bench in pain whispering silently to myself "Why?" My head pounded as I laid there on the ground in defeat.

Ino got up from her seat and stomped her right foot right on my stomach. I heaved a cough as she looked down upon me, her face red with anger. "I am not some freaking whore Uzumaki Naruto! If you ever repeat that to some one I will make sure you die a painful death!" She shouted. She then jumped in the air and landed both of her feet in my stomach. I choked out all the air in my lungs painfully. With a satisfied humph she stood up straight and left me lying there on the ground.

Ichuraku once again came to my aid after she was gone helping me sit up. I glared at him furiously. "Once again I did exactly what you TOLD me to do and again look what happened! I'm beaten up and left lying on the ground dateless!"

Ichuraku held up his hands with an innocent smile. "Maybe we should try someone nice and who will not turn you down so...harshly?" He suggested.

I glared at him and said "This is the last time I'm trying, and if I am beat up again I'm going to kick your ass after. You hear me old man?" Ichuraku nodded his head not listening to me one bit as he got up and began to walk.

"Now let's go find you a shy, hot, cutie before-" Ichuraku never finished his sentence as a pan flew out from a dark alley and nailed him in the side of his skull.

"Old man Ichuraku!" I screamed as he hit the ground knocked out cold.

"Na...ru...to!" I heard the voice of none other than Ayame behind me.

I turned around slowly in fright.

Ayame gave me a creepy smile as she grabbed my jacket and lifted my face close to her threateningly.

"Y-y-y-yes A-A-A-Ayame-Chan?" I stuttered in fright.

A dark aura covered her body as she hissed "Were going to get you a date MY way!"

Without giving me a chance to reply she dragged me off.

Xxx

"Okay Naruto, now just like I taught you march over there and ask her." Ayame said sweetly as she gave me a smile and pushed me forward.

"I still think my plan is better." Ichuraku grumbled as he held an ice pack on the lump on his head.

"Shut up before I give you another bump on the other side of your head to match that one." Ayame growled causing Ichuraku to cower in fear.

"Now go Naruto, and if you fail I will ruin your chances of ever having children...permanently." Ayame said evilly as she brought up very sharp long scissors, a hammer, and materials to make a fire.

'What the hell?! Where did she get those from?!' I thought terrified but I gave a loud gulp in reply as I walked into the training field where I heard the loud thud of hands against wood.

"Hear goes nothin'." I said as I walked fully into the training field.

"Hey, Hinata!" I said with a big smile on my face as I approached her.

Said girl halted her training and turned around deactivating her Byakugan.

"N-Naruto-Kun! What a-are you-"

"WILL YOU PLEASE BE MY DATE TO SAKURA-CHAN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs sending birds into a frenzy, bowing so low my head seemed to touch the ground.

I was met with silence.

Just as I was going to turn and run like my ass was on fire I heard a quiet "Yes."

I stood up straight as I stared at her red face with wide eyes. "What did you just say?" I asked slowly.

"I-I said Y-yes." Hinata repeated turning even more red.

'What...the...fuck...'

"Huh. So it was just that easy."

FIN

Yes, yes it was just that easy Naruto! Hope you had as much fun reading it as I had in writing it.

Naruto: If you leave a review I will bang you!

Oh hush Naruto! Please review!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the jokes or Naruto presented in this fanfiction.