Queer as Folk

The Kids Aren't Alright

Author's Note: This is an AU, branching off from the actual series early in season 3. What if Justin had stayed with Ethan, getting over the one night stand he had. How would his life crumble? Would Ethan become fiercely loyal or run away? Is there anything Brian can do once he sees that Justin's life had gone too far out of control?

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, just the plotline I run through in my mind.

Chapter One: Recovery

The moonlight drifted across the bed, lighting on the entwined legs of the two college boys. One had dark, messy hair, fast asleep, a content smile on his face. The other, a blonde boy, looked up towards the ceiling, wondering if what he just chose to do was a mistake, and how soon it would be before he felt the consequences fall on him.

"Justin, I'm sorry!"

"Ethan, how could you do that to me?"

He brought his hands up to his eyes to wipe away the tears. "It was a stupid one night stand! I was basking in the afterglow of a brilliant performance. I didn't know what I was thinking!"

"What you did was really fucked-up and stupid! How could I trust you?"

"Like this," he whispered, closing the short distance between them. Ethan ran one hand through Justin's hair as the other circled around his back. At first the blonde wanted to pull away and stiffened against the violinist's touch, but quickly his resolve collapsed.

Justin looked across the room, watched the shadows play and dance on the scattered furniture. He slid out from under Ethan and rose out of the bed, stretching. Padding toward the window, he put one hand on the pane and let his breath fog up the glass.

There wasn't much to see at five in the morning in Pittsburg. Most of the clubs had closed for the night and the only people frequenting the bars at this hour were mainly old perverts and hustlers, neither of which the boy was particularly interested in. His mind wandered, stretching out around the quiet city, wrapping itself in all the strange beauty. Many times he found himself, staring at nothing, or so he told himself.

He knew for a fact that the direction he always looked was in a direct line to Brian's loft. The older man had done so much for Justin, and hell, he might have even loved him, but Justin couldn't handle all the pain of seeing Brian get with someone else every night, even though he was doing the same.

After a while all the boys and parties and late nights at Babylon became blurred into one, and something inside him snapped and died. Ethan was a way to reawaken that which was lost.

Turning his head to get a quick view of the lovely, naked form, half covered by sheets on the bed, he felt an instantaneous pang of guilt. Why couldn't he just forget Brian and be happy with Ethan?

Because of that night… at the performance, when Justin had seen him run off with another man. He had accepted the fact that he was never going to actually be there for Ethan during his career, but that was what the rings were for, right? So he had snuck off to see his boyfriend do what he did best, so what? If he had known what he had in store…

Shaking his head, he moved back to the bed, being as quiet as he could so as to not disturb Ethan. He ran one hand over the performer's chest, getting a sigh from the other boy. Sleeping peacefully, thinking that everything had been restored to perfect between them, when all Justin could feel was this gap that kept filling up, that threatened to overwhelm him.

Knowing sleep had to come soon, he curled up, drawing his hand away from Ethan and turning his back on him. Silent tears fell from his eyes as he longingly looked back out that window. Even if he could find the courage within himself to run back to Brian, would the other man even take him back? Or would he turn him away.

Justin had seen the others. He had heard things, that Brian was falling apart on the inside but passed it all off by being even more of his usual dick self on the outside.

Was Brian feeling miserable at that moment? Can Brian Kinney forgive someone for finding a way into his heart and ripping it apart as Justin had?

There was slight movement behind him, and Ethan spooned against Justin, fitting perfectly. It was almost as if their bodies were made for each other. As the thought flashed through his mind Justin was overcome by all the emotions flowing through him. Misery, guilt, sadness, they came too swiftly for him to process.

"Fuck," he whispered to the dark room. He tore himself away from the still sleeping boy and got out of the bed again. Before he fully knew what he wanted to do he was pulling on some jeans without bothering to don some underwear. Grabbing the shirt he wore the day before, he was about to put it on when he remembered the full fury of his anger at learning that he had been cheated on.

Tossing that shirt aside, he groped around in the dark, but the only other shirt he could find without having to make noise by opening drawers was Ethan's shirt.

"Whatever," he muttered and pulled it on. Ethan's scent lingered on it.

When he hit the cool night air, fall already slipping into winter, he felt much better. There was something about taking a walk late at night, alone, that made him feel better about whatever situation he was in. He used to do this before he had his first encounter on Liberty Avenue, back when he was figuring out who he was and who he wanted to be.

His only company was an occasional car passing by. He drifted to the deepest thoughts he could manage and stopped thinking about where he was going.

A car coming a little too close to him brought him back to reality, and he saw that he was outside the Liberty Diner. Debbie was definitely not working this early, but she might be in an hour or two when the gay community, much like the straight one, woke up to go to work.

He took a seat on a bench, seeing the sky lighten ever so slightly. A hint of red to chase away the inky blue of the deepest night.

There was a slight movement across the street, and when his eyes jerked to the sound, he wished he had stayed home. Brian was walking out of one of the bath houses, two men wrapped around him body like a coat. They were both muscular, well-toned.

Brian had a wide grin across his lips, his eyes searching into the men at his side, searching for another dark promise, one more go before they dispersed and never saw each other again.

Justin did not want to move. If he did, Brian might see him, and then what? Fuck it, he thought, rising from the bench. I have to get home, get back to Eth-

There. At that moment their eyes locked onto each other.

And all was silence.