Title: Wanted
Summary: To be wanted, really wanted. That's all he ever wanted. Based on a scene from eppy 4.06 'A Day in the Life'
Disclaimer: Sadly I own nothing from the awesomeness that is Flashpoint, that belongs to CTV, CBC and whoever else!
A/N: Okay so wanted to an introspection into Spike and thought the part with Raf's father might have touched a nerve with Spike and am going with it. It might be out in left field but I hope it's not too lame.
"Words in italics and double quotes – directly from the eppy."
"Who's that?" Spike had asked when Raf opened his locker and placed a picture on the metal wall.
"My dad."
"Looks like you."
My dad…I would loved to have been able to proudly put a picture of my father in my locker instead of carrying a small one of the three of us tucked away inside my wallet, mostly to show people proof that I am not an orphan. But it was Raf's question that followed that really struck a nerve.
'Yeah man thanks. You tight with your old man?'
All I could do was smile and mumble something unintelligible, thankful for once that the words 'team one hot call' came in at exactly the right moment. Okay so that might sound cowardly but the last thing I want is to get off on an emotional low with the new guy. Still it was cool that he was able to so proudly display that picture, the first face he'd see every time that locker is opened. 'That's my dad' is what I'll be forced to acknowledge every day. I have a picture of me and Lew. Yeah…I still miss him like it was yesterday.
"Spike you ready?" Greg asks me in the kind fatherly tone I have actually come to cherish.
"Yeah boss ready to roll."
"Alright you ride with Jules. Let's move."
Valentine's day, really is the worse day of the year, in more ways than one. It is a yearly reminder of either the love you are forced to acknowledge or the love you are supposedly missing out on. I personally think it's silly, why do we need a specific day to send a girl flowers or candies? Course if I had a girlfriend I would be the first guy in line buying the roses or surprising her with those silly little candy hearts with the fortune cookie sayings on them. I guess part of me feeds my father's disdain for the holiday. A lot of inner stuff feeds of his disdain. I've just become a master at hiding it.
Thankfully today really kept us busy so my mind wasn't able to dwell on the fact that I am still alone and now I have to be beside the new guy every day hearing about what a great father he has and how proud of his son he is.
Am I jealous? I'm human right? Course I am…a little.
But today revealed things about Raf's relationship with his father that weren't expected to any of us. Firstly we all heard his story about how his father went to jail for him when he was a young boy. Was that true? It must be, we never lie to a subject and Raf would know that. Even still, it was slowly eating away at my insides and I was in fear of ending the most romantic day of the year alone and depressed. Gosh I can see now why people want to jump.
"Get a grip Spike," I tell myself with a heavy frown as I look at my tired reflection in the mirror. I know Ed has plans, a special backyard tradition with Sophie, the boss is always so secretive about his social life but am sure he's okay as well. But what about the others? It was tradition to take the new guy out for drinks so maybe that was the plan and it would cut down on the time I will have to spend listening to my mother asking me why I'm not married and giving her grandchildren yet. My retort? No one ever lives up to your expectations ma. And then I drop it and so does she.
But the worst part of my resentment I realize is only going to build the longer Raf is next to me every day and the more I have to learn about his past and the part his father played in securing his son's future. Talking to his dad, going to see his dad...yeah it's going to mental hell. Good thing I've mastered the magazine smile. Fake on the outside so on one knows what you are hiding on the inside. Raf's smile when he talks about his father is genuine. To be that wanted, I truly envied that. Just once I would love to come home and be greeted by a father that was proud of his only son instead of one that would leave the room as soon as I enter. How do you tell someone that? Yeah I love my father only…well I think he loves me back, but he hardly shows it. I'm sure deep inside his paternal love for me exists, but it's that proud feeling that other sons have from their father's that I long for and don't receive. Tension, arguments, fits of resentment and emotional angst - I've that that in spades.
Raf has a father that would do anything for him; even risk his life and spend time in jail. My father? I doubt he'd even tell my nephew one good thing I have done with all my time at the SRU; brag just once about someone's life I saved or a tense situation I helped to diffuse. Instead all I get from my father are constant reminders that his time is short or I'll die before he does and I've let him down all my adult life. Thanks dad, that's great for your sons ego.
Just once I'd love to hear him say how proud he is of me, give me a welcome hug after a tough case and say 'son that person is alive because of you'. Or maybe, 'son you can't leave the team, they'd be lost without you.' The last sentiment is a bit of a stretch but just once it would be nice to hear. Or even, 'you are the best son a father can be proud of.'
"Just once," I huff as I close my eyes and lean against the locker in the stillness of the room.
But sadly I know those words from my father won't come willingly. I could beg for them but then I know it'll be only to hear what I want him to say and not what he really wants to tell me. So despite the fact that Raf's father is in jail, I find myself envious of the fact that his father loves him that much and he's that proud of his father. That's love…that's sacrifice.
"All I know are the cold shoulder and regrets," I continue my one man conversation.
All I ever want is to be wanted. As a child I felt that love, in school and even in university. But when I decided I wanted to go into law enforcement everything changed and suddenly it was like my father emotionally disowned me or I was an adopted child brought over from Italy to appease these people.
I am still the same person and took this job to make a difference. Can't they see that? Can't they support me no matter what I do as long as it's legal? Sure I could be killed in the line of duty but as I had tried to reason with my father it was far less dangerous than joining the actual military. Shouldn't his love for me be unconditional? It's not like I'm breaking the law, I'm trying to help keep it in order. Isn't that also noble?
I know the answers, they are the same words I repeat to myself over and over each time I walk through the door at home. I'm doing right by my team, just not my family. Doesn't sound that comforting actually.
All I want right now is to be wanted by my father. That's every son's wish right? To make his father proud of him. I want that. My father is dying and instead of spending his last moments on this earth telling me how proud he is of me and making lasting memories that'll be happy and cherished, the memories I have in my head is regret and resentment. What kind of memories are those? If I ever have children, what will I tell them? That their grandfather spent most of their father's adult life cursing his son's occupation and making him feel like he mattered to everyone else except the man that helped give him life. So much for a great legacy to brag about. Is this day over yet?
I finally hear soft whispers and look up to see Sam and Jules talking in an undertone in the corner, looking over at me with small frowns before they offer me brief smiles. The last thing I want right now is pity. I need a beer…or two and some solid rest. Maybe I'll call Natalie and see if she wants to hang out a bit.
"Hey Spike, got a minute?" Jules asks as she walks over with a kind smile. Sam's lucky to have her as his best friend.
"Sure what's up?"
"I just wanted to say that you did really great backing me up on that bridge. Raf he um…well he was kinda forward but you really helped to calm that guy down and thanks for the buzz words. You did great."
"Thanks. Just glad that guys with his kids now. They'll take care of him."
"Yeah they will. So do you wanna come with us to the Goose? We'll see if we can't get Raf to join us for an SRU rookie welcome."
"Yeah sure that'd be great. Just let me get my jacket."
I know it's not the same feeling of being wanted that I crave from my father, but each time I come to work I am reminded of the family right here that still wants me and forces me to realize that I do make a difference; and that feeling I wouldn't trade for anything.
THE END!
A/N: Well I hope you liked it and feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks so much and can't wait for the next amazing eppy! GO Spike! :D (yeah sorry am sorta exited as most of you on FB can attest :)
PS: Am hoping to update 'Double Trouble' next