I've had this idea for a while, so I've decided to write it and see how it goes. Any feed back will be helpful. I haven't played Resident Evil 5 yet, as it is not released until March over here, so most of this will be guesswork and what I have seen in trailers. Also, sorry if I got the directors name wrong.

Resident Evil and their characters © Capcom.

"Cut!" screamed Kenichi Ueda for the 67th time that day. He removed the directors visor, wiped his forehead and replaced it. "Okay, let's try that again, and try not to cock it up. Wesker, put Chris down now and go back where you started. I don't want to stop you again."

Convulsing suddenly, he sat back in his chair and hoped. Sixty eight was his unlucky number and by Hell, he didn't want to reach the 68th outtake today.

Grumbling, Wesker strode back to his beginning pose as Chris massaged his neck and back, the result of being slammed across a table beginning to take it's toll.

"…And without the attitude," said Kenichi, raising his eyebrow at Wesker who pulled a face and repeated the director's line but in a snivelling a girly voice. Choosing to ignore that, rather than challenge Wesker and his magnum (which he usually had to take the ammo out of, as Wesker continually misbehaved during rehearsals) he cleared his throat and began the scene again. Chris took his place on the floor and pretended to look injured, but all he really wanted was a burger. Wesker strode over before Chris could find his burger and easily lifted him into the air by the neck.

"…Do you actually think you can defeat me?" he snarled, slamming him down on the table and dragging him across forcefully, breaking the wood as he did so. Kenichi died a bit inside of happiness when he saw that; that's exactly how he wanted it! Not the odd splinter Chris received, making him scream like a girl and roll on the floor, begging for a plaster or his "arms gonna fall off, it really is!"

A loud thud shook the studio as Chris was thrown to the floor and Wesker towered over him, his gun pointing at Chris's temple.

"…And cut!" said Kenichi, jumping out his seat and clapping his hands together. "Great work men. We'll work on the next scene in a few minutes."

Chris pushed himself to his feet and readjusted his hair as a swarm of crew girls flooded round Wesker and offered to help him with anything. He waved them off as Chris's feeble attempts at asking for a Big Mac went unheard. Kenichi pushed his way to the front and clapped his hand on Wesker's broad shoulder, as if to say, 'I'm going to attempt to reason with you now, pal. Without the use of a blow job to persuade you, because I don't swing that way. I don't have to go to the other paddock to ride the horses, you know.'

Or maybe not in that many words.

"Albert…"

"Call me Wesker," said the blond (NATURAL BLOND! Shut up, Chris!) his shades twinkling like a uber-important Hollywood star.

"Okay, Albert. You see, could you possibly lower your voice slightly? Julie in the sound department didn't melt this time like usual from the sound of your voice, so could you think about fixing that? We need to please the voicewhores, after all."

Wesker revealed an eyebrow from behind his ever-present-unless-they-used-them-as-a-ploy-to-get-people-to-buy-the-game-because-they-got-knocked-off-and-the-fans-gasped-and-wanted-to-know-what-happens shades.

"If I do that, my voice will break the awesome-o-meter, won't it?" he said receiving a frantic nod from Kenichi who was afraid of having a 'cap in his ass' as Chris so fondly put it, if he disagreed. "And whilst we're on the subject, WHY DOES MY VOICE KEEP CHANGING?"

"We'll tell the fans you're experiencing puberty?" reasoned the director causing Wesker to face palm so hard he gave himself a black eye. "Anyway, I think it's great that you can sound like Peter Jessop, Richard Waugh D.C Douglas and Ken Lally from Heroes! How many people can say that? With that voice talent, you could easily start your own abridged version of the game and provide all the voices…"

"I suggest you stop talking before I strap skittles to your face and throw you into a house with a hungry lion," said Wesker, causing Kenichi to weep a little. "What are we filming next? I've got an interview with Hello! Magazine in a few hours."

"Next scene is…" Kenichi checked the clipboard with the scene lists on. "Wesker is replaced by a crispy pancake, because they could do a better job than him, anyway. Wait. Oh, very funny, Chris! You'd like that, at least you wouldn't get your arse kicked by a crispy pancake."

Chris hissed, before he could speak, Wesker stomped his foot like a child who had been refused a Barbie.

"This sucks, you all suck, you all suck harder than a Hoover with a hooker attached to the end. I'm off to dye my hair!"

And off he stomped, like a child when Hannah Montana had been cancelled due to something actually worth-watching being on the TV.

Kenichi relaxed and turned to Chris, relieved that Wesker was in a separate room.

"Being around Wesker is like being around a conceited bull with a bomb strapped to him," he said with a shake of his head. Before Chris could snort and agree, he added, "…And being around you is like accompanying a fairy on steroids to the moon."

"Aww, thanks! You're awesome, Kenichi!"

The director asked himself why he hired an idiot and face palmed so hard, he too, received a black eye just like Wesker.

Maybe they could start a club consisting of people with black eyes.

Hmm. Maybe Chris does have a use after all…

It's been a while since I've written a comedy fic, which is probably why this wasn't terribly funny or long. I'm unsure whether to continue this, so feedback would help (: