Disclaimer: I don't own these characters - they all belong to the great Lord Tolkien. I don't own the diary idea either. In fact, probably nothing here is new. But please R&R anyway. P.S. Does anyone read these disclaimers anyway? I would be very interested to know.
The Secret Diary Of Frodo Muriel Baggins.
Do not read. Never. Ever. This includes you, Sam Gamgee!
22nd September 10pm
Bag End
Oh Elbereth! Cousin Bilbo's finally cracked. Gandalf said he could see it coming. He said the elderly often lose their wits. He said that anyone going through what Bilbo has would lose their sanity. He said "That Lucinda Proudfoot is quite a sex kitten, though…..oh, shiiiiit!" Think Gandalf may be going that way too.
Anyway, Bilbo was going on about being "spread too thinly". Agreed, then had him packed off…I mean, arranged for him to have a nice, permanent, stay at Elrond's Home for the Elderly mad at Rivendell.
23rd September 12:04am
My bed, Bag End
Buggrit. After I so nicely arranged for him to stay at Elrond's Retirement home, went and left me all his possessions. Usual crap, namely smelly old house (should be named Fag End, never seen so much cigarette ash before. Now know what really happened when Bilbo went away to Lonely Mountain few years ago. Have heard dwarfs there quite talented at making mithril lungs.) lot of mouldy scabby furniture, literally millions of old unmatching wineglasses, bloody great wine cellar (caught that fool of a Took, Pippin there last night) festering robes and, oh yes, THE ONE RING CREATED BY THE DARK LORD SAURON WITH WHICH HE CAN ENSLAVE THE WHOLE OF MIDDLE EARTH. So, nothing important, then.
11:53am
Farmer Maggot's field
Damn damn damn damn DAMN! Was just sneaking out back door to make run for it with Ring (was going to Rivendell to give it back to Bilbo) but Gandalf and that prick, Sam Gamgee popped up from nowhere. Bloody wizard. Before I could say anything, decided Sam would be my 'companion' and sent me on my way. Seems have accidentally gone on urgent mission. Bugger.
11:55am
Still field
Had just succeeded in losing Sam (go me!) when immature cousins Merry and Pippin ran into me. Pippin used incident as excuse for grappling with self until pointed out was not Merry, was in fact Frodo. His cousin. Incestuous prat.
Turns out have been stalking self on epic journey of 2 minutes as want to visit Rivendell in hope of finding 'elf babes'. Apparently, there are eight female elves to every male elf there. Have to investigate that further.
27th September 1:21am
Prancing Pony
Oh, Elbereth. Have somehow managed to pick up stupid greasy haired human. He looks very mangy, obviously untrustable as kept eyeing Ring, (maybe should stop wearing it on left ring finger) but Sam immediately invited him along with us. Does the poor guy think he looks attractive with that straggly, lank hair? Maybe I should offer to lend him my curlers.
2:15am
Was woken up by Sam going "No, Mister Frooodooo isn't married, now will you shag me?" Poor guy obviously talking in his sleep.
28th September 8:31am
Still in inn.
Could have sworn Sam was on other side of bed last night. Now next to greasy haired human. Oh well. Obviously sleepwalks as well.
4th October 5:19pm
Midgewater marsh
Know why they call this place Midgewater. Woke this morning with large red mark on neck. Sam said it looked like a lovebite but greasy haired human (or GHH) quickly interrupted saying midges were quite viscious here. Anyway, bloody marsh v. monotonous. Looking forward to Rivendell. Also, apparently are being chased by Ringwraiths. Joy.
6th October 3:26pm
Still in marsh
Ringwraiths still following. Are after ring. Can't see why, as none of them have any fingers on which to wear ring, but never mind.
8th October 8:30pm
Marsh. Again.
Ringwraiths quite scary actually. Told Sam they should just wear those Scream masks, and that would improve hobbit/Ringwraith relations no end. He failed to see humour of situation. Am going to die undiscovered comedy genius. Hahahahaha.
10th October 1:13 am
Weathertop
Stupid bloody Ringwraiths. Are obviously jealous as I have One Ring and they are just disembodied cloaks. With bloody daggers. Was very reasonable when they appeared, offering to share the Ring. But no, stupid Wraith King would not agree, probably still remembering that date, and plunged morgul blade into right shoulder, completely ruining tunic. Liked that tunic. Wraith King obviously cannot handle rejection.
1:15am
Wasn't my fault if I thought Wraith King was female until after third wedding anniversary. Suppose King part of name should have been a hint. Did wonder why it was so hard getting it in.
1:18am
Anyway, how do you tell the sex of Ringwraiths?
11th October 3:29pm
Random horse's back
Was just perfecting 'oh no, I'm going to die!' face (solemn yet resigned) and making gasps as the fatally wounded always do, when some elf lady showed up and hauled me away from my loving followers. Draped me over her horse and galloped away like the wind. Didn't really mind, as elfy lady quite a babe. Glad spent so long this morning finding that plant thing for just the right shade of greenish pallor. Ladies are suckers for the sympathy/dying act.
Quite dramatic chase featuring lady elf (think her name is Arwen) and five of those bloody annoying Ringwraiths (honestly, will the Wraith King not just take a hint? We are so over!) Chase not as good as that car chase in The Fast And The Furious, though. Am slightly disappointed.
12th October 5:52pm
River Bruinen. Still on horse's back
V. pissed off. Elfy lady too melodramatic, stealing all my attention. Am the Ringbearer, after all! Also, am mortally wounded. But no. Had to challenge Ringwraiths (yep, they're still following. Thought they would be bored by now.) to "come and claim him". Then summoned power of her people, yadda yadda yadda, and river surged down and killed them all. Big bloody deal.
5:55pm
Same bat time. Same bat place.
Yawn. Had just closed eyes for brief moment (oh, all right, was tanning eyelids) when dense elfy lady had a spaz attack. "Frodo, Froooodooo! Don't die, not now!" etc etc etc. V. boring actually. Think must have gone to sleep.
24th October 10:00am
House of Elrond
Jeez. Woke up to see hairy monstrosity looming in front of face. Just about had a heart attack. On further inspection realised it was Gandalf. Smoking, as well! Would have thought he wouldn't dare to risk the already fragile health of self, but noooo. Still Ringbearer, what else do I have to do to get respect from these people? Already have strong, muscular body, handsome face and warm personality, and am of course v. modest!
10:47am
Bugger. Frodo and Balin rumour still doing the rounds.
7:30pm
Nooooooo! Return of the Elderly Mad! Forgot Bilbo now 'resides' here (hehehe!) Totally embarrassed me by doing his 'hysterically funny' impression of Flipper, then made me be that annoying kid. Again. Should've never taken that job, no matter how much needed the money. Oh, bugger! He's doing that fat guy from Fiddler On The Roof now! "If I were a rich man…" Aaaaaahhhh!
25th October 12:30 pm
Council Of Elrond
Three Rings for the Elven-kings, Seven for the Dwarf-lords, Nine for Mortal Men, but does it mention hobbits? Does it traggots! Always suspected that bastard Sauron of blatant favouritism. But now I've got the One Ring, so na na na na na na na to all of you.
12:37pm
Buggerit. Nothing in the small print about a Fellowship. Obviously hobbits are grossly discriminated against. Stupid nancing elf Legolas; stupid greasy-haired human who turned out to be heir to the throne of Gondor - Aragorn of the perpetual greasy hair; twat Boromir; stupid stalkers Sam, Pippin and Merry; bloody Gandalf (El Beardo) and some big hairy ball.
12:50pm
Hairy ball actually a dwarf. Ooooops. Also, I always thought Sam was kinda gay.
12:43am
Yep. He is.
29th October 4:19pm
Muddy patch of grass.
Buggeritall. Why did I ever agree to take this tacky ring thing? Oh yeah, for 'the safety of all of Middle Earth.' Nothing to do with fame, glory and riches, ooohh no. And it was definitely not to avoid Prue after we broke up, whatever Sam may say. Honestly.
3rd November 5:16pm
Fields somewhere
Spent afternoon exchanging Westron and Sindarin swear words with Legolas. V. interesting and educational. Particularly like adunakhor myself. Interesting variations on traditional Common Speech curses.
8th November 11:28am
Hill somewhere in Hollin
Bloody hell. Was walking peacefully over hill thing when bloody huge cloud of bird things appeared. Cunningly hid self vaguely near rock, as did most (intelligent members) of Fellowship, but prat Legolas and monkey spanker Boromir managed to get poetically under damn bushes! Damn photogenic elves. And ugly prat human. (I think. Not immediately obvious.)
10th October 11:32am
Carahadras
Huh. Got snowed in, and as didn't have handy inflatable snowplough, stupid prissy elf decided to show off by running along surface of sand. Highly overrated action
11:47am
Teeheehee. Not snow at all. Just v. bad case of wizard dandruff. Gandalf v. embarrassed, so are turning back.
11:50am
Dwarf looked quite amusing buried up to beard in white flaky stuff. Hahaha.
13th October 2:59pm
Mines of Moria. Dark.
Was dreading turning up at Balin's home after last time - and Merry and pippin were giving funny looks - but turns out Balin long dead. One less Chrimbo card to write. Dwarfy dood started crying. Hideous sight.
15th October 3:42pm
Outside mines. At last.
About bloody time too. Bloody scary in there. Orcs pooping up at every opportunity. Actually mistook Boromir for orc at one point. Thought he was going to cry. He really should invest in a brace for his teeth. They don't cost much, and it would save any other unfortunate cases of mistaken identity.
3:44pm
Oh yeah. El Beardo fell into shadow. Stupid overbearing bugger.
17th October 1:01pm
Lothlórien
Damn. Am in land of the elves with their bloody perfect hair. All that time in Moria, and not once did poncy Legolas get so much as a tangle in his hair. Even when fighting big dramatic battle, hair remained in place. Must get name of his hairdresser.
1:03 pm
Oh yes! Beat saucy elf queen at staring match! Go me, go me, go me…
1:06pm
Elf queen has just informed self via telepathic link that we were not having staring match, that I fail to understand the gravity of the situation and she was testing me. Yeah, right. Talk about bad losers.
1:08pm
Must remember not to slag telepathic beings.
1:08pm and 30 seconds
Stop listening to my thoughts, Elbereth dammit!
12:47am
Everyone else sleeping. Didn't know elves snored…
12:48am
Saucy elf lady walked past, obviously using her feminine wiles to get self in uncompromising situation. Must not let self get caught.
12:49am
Oh, bugger.
2:57am
Well, never done that before. Under pretext of "looking into mirror" elfy lady lured poor innocent self away from bed. Never made use of … vibrator thing in quite that way before…. Still, quite educational.
2:58am
Must find out where to purchase whip. Merely out of curiosity, of course.
2:59am
Anyway, what was she trying to do with her foot?!
3:02am
Oh, damn. Knew had forgotten something… handy hobbit weed flavoured condom that Merry persuaded self to buy in Prancing Pony toilets. Oh well, serves elfy lady right if she gets…indisposed.
3:05am
Do elves get pregnant? Meaning, are there baby elves? Kinda defeats whole 'immortality' thing.
18th October 5:12am
Am anxious to get away from Lothlórien asap. Saucy elfy lady slipped card with her number on. Also showed her wearing extremely revealing clothes. Quoted price, as well.
5:24am
Seen cards like that in Hobbiton telephone boxes. Wonder if is her business card. If so, she should wear something less revealing.
9:32am
Pippin in v. bad mood this morning. Kept saying "I paid good money, as well. In advance. Promised whips and everything…"
21st October 4:36pm
Anduin
Thankfully are on journey down river. Now probably not right time to confess that cannot swim and am scared of water.
23rd October 12:54am
Still River Anduin
Bloody hard to sleep on boat, especially when Aragorn keeps accidentally rolling on top of self. Sam keeps sleepwalking over to Aragorn, as well. V. tired…
24th October 8:17am
Anduin. Again.
Woke up this morning feeling v. strange. Also, trousers were round ankles. I wonder if Sam and Aragorn are having an affair.
28th October 3:55pm
Amon Hen
Finally ashore. About bloody time too. Monkey spanker Boromir tried to grab a feel, but successfully kicked him in balls. (At least, I think it was his balls. May need another biology lesson. Galadriel's {aka saucy elfy lady} only detailed on female anatomy.)
5:17pm
Always knew Boromir insanely jealous. Oh diary, I can't help being perfect. Suppose should maybe have guessed the day he turned up with his hair in rollers - the day after he had his pubes transplanted onto his feet. Anyway, the short and short of it was, he tried to claim the ring for himself (probably so he could propose to me. Hehehe.) and when I refused politely he went and stabbed himself with an orc. Bloody stupid bastard.
6:00pm
Okay, have had enough. Am buggering off home.
6:06pm
Damnit! Sam has followed self. Stupid poof. Also have accidentally taken wrong turning and am now headed to Mordor. Knew should have stolen map.