Kokoro Kara

By Lady Callista

AN: No, I didn't die, I just haven't had time to write. Here's my newest RK idea, I hope people like it. Set immediately after the end of the Enishi arc, but before the end of the series, this fic is based on the manga and the way things happened there. Because of that, I realize some people who are only familiar with the anime may have issues, let me know if you do and I'll summarize the Enishi arc or anything else I reference that you don't know.

I don't speak Japanese (although I'm slowly learning), yet I've done my best to research the words I've used, and to use them properly, or as they are used in the anime-manga. If I've used anything incorrectly please let me know, but please tell me why it's wrong and suggest a better option if you have one. Just saying it's wrong or I'm stupid doesn't help any. There is a glossary at the end of each chapter.

I hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think of this story. Feedback always makes me write faster.

This fic is rated M, cause I know it's gonna have K&K lime and lemon goodness. If you are underage please go enjoy some of the other wonderful stories on this site.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters. The quotes at the beginning and end of each part were all found on the Internet, mostly listed as anonymous. If anyone knows of one that actually belongs to someone please let me know. The few that are by famous people I've said who they're by.

Chapter 1: Yume

OrOoRoOrOoRo

"It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch."

OrOoRoOrOoRo

"But…I want to stay with you forever…"

Kenshin froze at Kaoru's softly spoken words. He knew a look of shock was on his face, but couldn't help it, as his mind was running about a mile a minute. Although she could be outspoken about many things, he'd never imagined she'd find the courage to say something like that to him. And his troubled soul almost refused to believe that anyone could say that to him at all. He slowly turned and walked back towards her.

She looked as shocked as he was, a part of his mind noticed. As if she hadn't meant to say it. Not like she didn't mean it, but like it had just slipped out. He also saw nervousness on her face, and knew whatever he said next would be important.

"Sessha…" Kenshin started, then realized that for something this special, he couldn't think of himself as less than her. "Watashi wa…"

"I'm sorry. It was nothing. Forget it. Now is the time…" Kaoru's face had turned bright red, and she grabbed at his arm, pulling him back towards the dojo as she continued to babble. He didn't hear her words though, he was busy wondering if he should tell her the truth, that he wanted to stay with her forever too, or if he should just let it go. He decided in the few seconds he had on the middle ground, not sure if he was ready to tell her the full truth but knowing it would eat away at her if he didn't say anything.

He reached out, putting the hand she wasn't pulling him along by on her shoulder, then slowly stepping up and sliding that arm around her shoulders. Other than the one time he'd hugged her, it was the closest he'd ever been to her in this way. She froze and went silent as he spoke quietly. "Do you remember…when returning to Tokyo from the battle in Kyoto, sessha said 'It's good to be home?' That is the first time those words have been said since becoming a rurouni."

Kaoru seemed to take that in, and smiled, her shoulders slowly relaxing from the stiffness they had sprung to the instant he touched her in such an intimate way. "Is that right?"

Kenshin smiled at her, knowing she understood what he was trying to say, and kept his arm around her as they started walking again. "Hai, it is."

They walked slowly down the road, not talking, just enjoying each other's closeness. Then, in an instant, fog welled up on the road, blinding Kenshin. Kaoru suddenly vanished from beneath his arm, and though he called and called, he couldn't find her.

OoOoO

"Kaoru-san." Megumi said quietly as she exited the room Kenshin was sleeping in.

Kaoru hurried over from the assembled group to the doctor's side. "Nani?"

"He's sleeping, and he'll be okay, but I thought you might want to sit with him. He keeps calling your name, and I think he's having nightmares, but with the drugs I had to give him he won't wake up for at least an hour or so." Megumi said quietly.

"And I should be the first person he sees when he wakes up." Kaoru said quickly. "Megumi-san, why are…" Although she wanted nothing more than to rush in and see Kenshin, she couldn't help but wonder why Megumi was being nice to her. Megumi was never nice to her.

"Just go sit with him, girl." Megumi said impatiently. "Everything else can wait."

The snap in the doctor's voice sounded much more normal to Kaoru than her kind words a moment earlier had been, and Kaoru nodded and walked into the room.

Megumi walked over to the rest of the group. "He'll be fine, although it's a miracle he survived. His body was so weakened from the time in the Fallen Village…"

"We haven't mentioned that to Jou-chan." Sano replied quickly.

"That's probably a good idea." Megumi replied. "I don't think anyone should tell her anything. We should leave that up to Ken-san."

OoOoO

"Would you like some tea, Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin asked as he knelt down beside her on the porch of the dojo late one night, tea tray already in hand.

"That would be wonderful, thank you." Kaoru smiled, reaching out to pour the tea for both of them.

"Sessha was worried you would catch a chill sitting out here." Kenshin said as he accepted the cup she offered him, heart stuttering a little as their hands brushed.

"I was going to come in soon." Kaoru smiled over his concern. "I was just watching the stars."

"And did you find one to wish on yet?" Kenshin asked, remembering her wistful expression when he'd first seen her out here.

"Not yet." Kaoru replied. "I'm not sure what I'd wish for anyway."

"Well, what do you want?" He asked simply, turning his head from where he'd also been gazing up at the heavens to see her face.

He turned just in time to see her gazing wistfully, not at the stars but at his face, before her cheeks went red and she looked down at her hands. "Ara…well…lots of things I guess."

Keeping his eyes on her face, he said quietly, "I wish for many things as well, but some are more important to me than others."

Her eyes widened slightly as she glanced up and caught him looking at her.

And then the world went black. And Kaoru was gone.

Kenshin faltered in the darkness, unable to find her. "Kaoru. KAORU!" And then he stumbled over something, and the light came back just enough for him to see her body, a sword sticking out of it, and a sadistic cross carved into her face. He screamed her name again, knowing she would never again answer him.

OoOoO

"Kenshin, please wake up." Kaoru whispered, tears sliding down her face as she watched over him. She gripped one of his hands tightly in her own, and couldn't take her eyes off of him. He seemed paler, weaker, than he had before she'd been kidnapped. Not just the scars from the battle, not just the new wounds, but something about him seemed broken down.

Then she realized what was wrong. His kenki was missing. She'd seen him sleep before, and even when he was on Megumi's drugs his aura still sparked around him. But it was completely gone now. What had happened while she was missing to cause him to be this broken?

OoOoO

Minutes became hours, became a day, became days, and still Kenshin sat. His sakabato rested against the wall next to him, bound with a chain by his own hand. People came and went, but except for the few times his friends dropped by all the people in the village left him alone. Which was all he wanted. He just wanted to rest in peace.

Yet peace was one thing he would never find.

He'd loved only two women in his life, and now both of them were dead. And they were both dead because of him. That was the one thing he couldn't let go of. He'd vowed to protect both of them, and they'd died. He'd told Kaoru once that with his one sword, he could protect the people around him. He'd said that was enough, and it really had been.

Yet if he'd never come back to Tokyo after going to Kyoto to fight Shishio, if he'd left the Kamiya dojo like he'd said he was going to and become a wanderer again, then Kaoru would not be dead. He'd given up satsujin-ken because he couldn't stand to kill even one more person, and now he had. He'd killed the one person that mattered most in his life.

And in losing her, had lost his faith in katsujin-ken. One of the first things that had drawn him to her, other than the fact that she was willing to forgive that he'd been the Battousai, was that her father's sword school taught exactly what he now wanted to do.

Protect. Defend. Don't kill.

But that was pointless now. If he couldn't even protect the one person most important to him, it didn't matter what else he did. He had lost faith in the future. He had lost faith in everything.

Because without her, nothing meant anything.

OrOoRoOrOoRo

"How can we move on when the only thing we wanted for the future is in the past?"

OrOoRoOrOoRo

TBC….

AN2: Okay, so that was a depressing note to end on, sorry. But I really liked the idea of going back a bit and describing what I think Kenshin was feeling at various points before and during the Enishi arc. Oh, and yes, I made the middle dream up. The first one I'm sure you recognized if you've read the manga, and the last is certainly impossible to forget, but I couldn't remember another cute, kinda romantic one, so I just made one up.

The next parts will be somewhat happier, and yes, this is eventually going to be a KK fic.

Next part will be out in a few days. Feedback makes me happy.

Glossary of Japanese/English words: (in order by the first time the word is used)

Kokoro Kara: A phrase meaning "from the bottom of one's heart" (at least according to my dictionary)

Yume: Dream

Sessha : A very humble way samurai spoke of themselves. Translated in the English manga as "this one." (whenever the manga has Kenshin call himself 'this one' the word he's using is sessha.) It's a word used instead of simply saying "I;" at some points the verb tense matches so that he could simple be saying I, in others it doesn't. In the series, Kenshin almost always refers to himself this way, except when he's being the Battousai.

Watashi wa: The polite form of "I." Kenshin normally uses "Boku," a more rough, masculine "I", when he's Battousai, but I choose the more polite one because he's speaking to Kaoru. I'm not sure which one the manga used in the original Japanese.

Rurouni: wandering samurai, a word created for the series

Hai: Yes

-san: Mrs., Mr., or Ms., this is the form friends use when addressing each other

Nani?: What?

Jou-chan: Little miss, Sano's nickname for Kaoru (josei, which is where I assume jou came from, means girl or woman, and –chan is a suffix meaning little, normally used with pets, very young children, or young girls)

-dono: Kenshin's overly polite way of addressing women. It was most commonly used to address a liege lord or lady, and shows both humbleness and respect.

Ara: Oh, or um. Used primarily by women, I've heard it said that this is where the author of RK got the idea for Kenshin's oro.

Kenki: Swordsman's spirit, something only the strongest of warriors have. Kenshin's causes leaves around him to snap, as does Yahiko's, and Shishio's caused flames to shoot up from any available source of fire.

Sakabato: reverse-blade sword, the symbol of Kenshin's vow to never kill again

Satsujin-ken: The manga translates it as "swords that give death," which is an apt description as satsujin means murderer and ken means sword. So literally this would be "murderer sword." It's what all the older styles of swordsmanship are, including Kenshin's Hiten Mitsurugi-Ryu.

Katsujin-ken: The manga translates it as "swords that protect." I'm not sure where the word protect comes from, as katsu means "gain victory" and I couldn't find katsujin in my dictionary, but "swords that gain victory" wouldn't be too bad either, as that can be done without killing. Kamiya Kasshin-Ryu is the only style in the series that falls into this category.