Movie Night
Summary: Wade, James, and Victor have a movie night and watch X-Men the Movie. It does not meet Wade's expectations.
Disclaimer: I don't own X-men. Duh. If I did, Deadpool would get a lot more screen time.
"Jimmie!" Wade yelled as he dived into the room. "We're having a movie night!"
James, the fearsome man also known as the Wolverine, looked up from the TV where he was watching pro-wrestling. He was quiet for a second as he raised an eyebrow and looked up at Wade. However, inwardly a battle was raging. He was quite bored at the moment; however he didn't want to do anything with Wade. Ever. However, if he didn't do something with Wade, Wade would keep pestering him until he went insane. And if he was forced into doing something with Wade, watching a movie was probably the best thing since there would be limiting talking. Hypothetically.
"What movie?" James asked finally.
"It's called X-men."
"X-men?" James repeated. "That sounds stupid."
"No, it's not. It's going to be awesome. It's the sequel to X-men Origins: Wolverine, which starred me! And of course, it also had you and your psycho brother in it."
"Are you talking about me?" Victor said as he poked his head inside the room.
"Actually we were just talking about how me and Jimmie here are going to watch a movie," Wade said.
"Really," Victor smirked, looking just like a wolf as he did so. "Mind if I join?" He purred.
"Wait," Logan said. "You're claiming that X-Men Origins: Wolverine starred you?"
"Okay, sure, you were the cover boy. But I was the main attraction."
"Sure you were," Logan grunted.
"How about you two stop your yapping and put in this movie?" Sabertooth suggested as he dropped onto the couch next to his brother. The couch sung visibly under his weight.
Wade slid the disk into the DVD player and then plopped down on Jimmie's other side. "Shhhh everyone. The movie is about to start."
"You're the only one talking," James said letting out a frustrated sigh. This was going to be a long movie.
"No, I'm not. You're the one who just talked," Wade said.
"I only said something because you were talking and being an idiot."
"Will you two stop your yammering?" Victor roared. "The movie's starting."
Wade pouted slightly but fell quiet… for about a minute. "Who is that women? Why am I not in here yet?"
"Are you sure this is the right movie? This looks like some political stuff," James said.
"Why don't you two just shut up and watch?" Victor growled.
"Looks like someone's upset the kitty," Wade said.
Victor shot him a glare across his brother. Wade responded by sticking out his tongue. James pressed a hand against his forehead and willed himself to have some patience.
"Who is that girl? Why are we not in it yet?" Wade asked. "I mean you're even on the freaking front cover," he said to James. "And this is the sequel to a movie that I was amazing in so I should be in here too."
"Didn't we kill you?" Victor asked.
"No, you did not," Wade said crossing his arms and pouting. "I was fine. I even got to 'Shh' at the audience after the credits."
"Next time we should burn the body after we cut off the head," Victor said.
James nodded. "Agreed."
"Hey!" Wade said. "You guys can't plot to kill me in front of me. That's just rude." He was going to continue this rant but was cut off when James finally appeared on the screen. "Hey! Look it's you, without a shirt! And I must say you're looking mighty- OW! Oh my god that hurt! You're lucky I have a healing factor or that could have killed me!" Wade cried as he clutched his shoulder.
"Lucky?" Victor asked over the sound of James sheathing his metal claws.
James said nothing but watched himself on the TV with confusion. "I don't remember filming this," he said.
"Looks just like you," Victor noted with a smirk. "So when did you become a movie star?"
James didn't dignify the question with an answer.
"So when am I going to show up?" Wade asked.
"Shut up, Wilson," Victor said. "I want to hear what's going on."
"Aw, aren't you a softy, Jimmie, letting that strange girl hitch a ride with you," Wade said. "But you do know that is illegal and dangerous right? Sure she looks cute, but she could be a crazed axe murderer or something!"
"Shut up, Wilson," James growled.
"Oh my god! It's you Vicky!" Wade howled as he pointed at the screen.
"What? That thing is not me!" Victor cried indignantly. "He doesn't look anything like me."
"That is totally you!" Wade yelped.
"Why is it taking me so long to heal? What? Oh, come on. I could beat that guy in a fight," James grumbled.
"Wow, Vicky, you sure are ugly. I mean you normally look ugly, but you look even more ugly than normal in this movie. James looks just the same. In fact, he looks a bit younger even. But you… oh good lord. You are ugly."
"It's not me!" Sabertooth roared.
"Yes it is. There aren't many guys who have the fingernails of a bag lady. Hey, speaking of those fingernails….manicure?"
"Wade, you might want to consider your words more carefully or these nails are going to be wrapped around your throat." Sabertooth said raising his hand towards Wade's throat threateningly as his claws slowly extended.
"Oh my. I am so scared."
"Guys, just shut up and watch the movie."
"This is boring. When am I going to show up? You're like the main character and the ugly kitty even got an appearance, but where am I?"
"Wilson, you really should shut up if you know what's good for you," James said.
"When has he ever know that?" Victor asked.
Wade ignored them both. "This movie is boring and lame. Where am I? Woah! Look at that blue chick now that is what I call-"
"Shut up, Wilson!" The brothers yelled in unison. Wilson was quite for a record of about two or three minutes.
"Okay, so why did you get amnesia?" Wade asked the Wolverine.
"How should I know?" James growled as glared at Wade in annoyance.
"Whoa, don't get so mad Jimmie. I can see a huge vein on your forehead. It's kind of freaky."
"Wade, do us all a favor and go strangle yourself," Victor growled.
"Aw, you guys are too kind. Really. Whoa! You just like totally stabbed that girl you saved earlier in the stomach! That is not gentlemanly behavior."
"That's not me!" James said.
"Looks like you. You're such a jerk, stabbing defenseless girls."
"I had a nightmare. I didn't mean to, besides look. She's fine; she's like stealing my healing power or something."
"Man, I think that chick is killing you," Wade said.
James shot him a glare. "She is not killing me," he said. "I'm fine. Look. Fine."
"Oh, thank goodness I was so worried."
"Will you too stop flirting or whatever it is that hell that you to are doing so I can watch this movie?" Victor snapped.
"Flirting? Oh my," Wade said and then he lowered his voice slightly. "Was I really that obvious?"
"Please don't encourage him," James said turning to look at his brother who just smirked back at him.
"This is boring. There hasn't been a fight scene in forever, unless of course you count the time when you stabbed a completely defenseless girl."
"Shut up, bub."
"And I don't think that's how they make mutants. How does spinning metal make people turn into mutant? That doesn't even make any sense. Why don't they just inject mutant DNA into all the people? That's how I became so awesomely superpowered. Like they could take some snakes, and replace their venom with some mutant DNA and then set them lose at that convention. That would be cool. They could call it Snakes at a Convention."
"Wade, you are an idiot," James said.
"Oh, and speaking of me. Where am I? What am I doing? Why haven't I been in this movie? I should be the lead. I'm the funny guy. I'm the guy with all the looks. I've got all the best powers. Why am I not here?"
"Because no one can stand to listen to you for more than a second," Victor offered.
"Because you're jealous of my awesome way with words," Wade insisted.
"Keep telling yourself that, bub."
"Oh, I do," Wade said. "Hey look, Victor's back and looking as ugly as ever."
"That's not me," he growled.
"Actually, I think Wade's right on this one," James said.
"I'm always right."
"I think I'd know who I freaking am. That's not me," Victor insisted as he glared at his brother and the mouthy mercenary.
"But, they did called him Sabertooth," James said. "And that's what you go by sometimes."
"It's not me," Victor growled.
"It so is. And you are ugly!"
"Wade, you do realize that he is going to kill you, right?"
"As soon as this movies over," Victor promised.
"And I'll give you that manicure," Wade offered drawing one of his swords. He smirked as the metal gleaned in the light given off by the TV.
"Just shut up and appreciate the fight scene you've been pinning for," James growled in frustration.
"But I'm not in it," Wade whined.
"Just shut up and watch!" The brothers yelled.
"Haha, he just totally tossed you like a puppet! He stomps on your ego and takes your girl. How does it feel to lose to a guy in a silly helmet? How does that make you feel, Wolfy?"
"Shut up, Wade."
"That was a lame fight. No one even died."
"Shut up, Wade."
"We-"
"Shut up, Wade."
"I liked the first movie better."
"SHUT UP!"
"Don't get your panties all twisted up Vicky. AHHHHhhhhh! Oh my god! HELP ME!"
"Victor, stop! You're getting blood on the couch."
"My arm! My arm! I kind of need that you know," Wade moaned as he toppled off the couch and onto the floor. "Owy." Wade moaned again as he lay on the carpet. It only took a moment for his healing factor to sew his arm back together and then he jumped up and took his seat back on the couch next to James. "All better," he said with a smile.
"I can change that," Victor offered.
"Um, no. Actually I'm fine at the moment," Wade said as he turned to look back at the screen and was silent for another minute or two as he watched the movie.
"So, finally someone dies and they just turn to water! I mean, what the heck? There was no blood at all, and it was just some lame-o human freak who wasn't involved in any fight. This is stupid."
"At least it was a politician," Victor grumbled.
"Good point, they did kill off a politician. Oh that is a cool jet. I want one."
"Shut up."
"By the way, I like that outfit on you. The leather really brings out-"
"Shut up, Wade!"
"Hey look, Vicky you're back!"
"Wade, would you like a matching blood stain on your left arm?" Victor offered.
"Um, no thanks. I actually like asymmetry."
"Then shut up."
"Wow, James, you sure are having a lot of trouble fighting that one blue girl…thing."
"Shut up. She's a shape shifter, it's hard. She turned into me."
"You know, I'm starting to think that your weakness is women. First, that girl nearly kills you, and then this blue woman nearly kills you. If I put on a dress do you think I could kill you?"
"Please, dear god, please, do not do that."
"Haha. I knew that was your weakness. You know, I think I'd look hot in a dress."
"Please shut up."
"No, I will never shut up until you admit that I'd look hot in a dress!"
"Would that seriously shut you up?"
"Sure."
"Really?"
"Yup," Wade said happily.
"…"
"Come on. Say it, James."
"You'd look hot in a dress."
"Wow, I really didn't think you felt that way about me."
"You're still talking," James said darkly.
"Yup."
"I can't believe you actually thought that would shut him up. You're as stupid as him, runt," Victor said as he looked at them in amusement.
"I swear Wade, if I knew how to kill you; I'd do it right now," James promised.
"But you think I'd look hot in a dress."
"It couldn't make you look worse," Victor growled as his claws cut into the sofa.
"Wow, Vicky, I didn't realize you swung that way."
"SHUT UP!" James growled unsheathing his metal claws, causing Wade to jerk back and shut up for the moment.
"'Do you know what happens when toads get struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else?' Seriously. I mean, seriously? That was the best line they could think of? That's terrible. If I was in this movie I would have much better lines."
"Not if they did what they did to you in Origins," Victor said with a smile. "Want me to go get some thread and a needle?"
"Thanks for that offer, but I doubt you could hold the needle with those claws of yours. Would you like a manicure first?"
"Play nice, kids," James said tiredly as he kept his eyes fixed on the TV screen.
"Oh look! Now you two are fighting. This is just like that other movie. The better one. The one that I was in," Wade said. "The one called X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Available in stores now."
"I'm winning," Victor noted with a sinister grin.
"Oh, so now you admit it's you," James said.
"It's not me, but it represents me," Victor growled.
"Sure," James said.
"Oh look, you just died," Wade said before he broke out into a fit of giggles.
"It's not me," Victor growled. "I wouldn't have lost to the runt."
"I beat your before."
"Really? When? Enlighten me, little brother."
"I had you pinned before Gambit attacked me."
"Sure you did, runt," he said sardonically.
"Oh no, Jimmie! You're not healing! No! You're dying." Wade said, suddenly tackling James in a bear-hug.
"Get off of me," James said trying to shove the other man off, although he was unsuccessful as the other had a formidable grip on him. He looked to his brother for help. But Victor just leaned back against the couch, smirked, and cross his arms.
"Get off, bub. Look. I'm alright," James said, motioning awkwardly towards the screen with his partly free left hand.
Wade suddenly pulled back. "Oh course you're alright. You're the freaking main character. But where was I? How could the main attraction not be in the movie? It would be like not having Jonny Depp in the second Pirates movie. It's an outrage. I'm going to have to talk to my agent!"
"Shut up, Wade."
Now you should totally review and tell me what you thought of it! That would be awesome!