Not All There

Disclaimer: Not mine, not me, not I etcetera.

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Jackie/Hyde (if any)

Warnings: Let's see... angst, rape, drug use, abuse, swearing, a few other things I can't say yet...

Summary: Sometimes stuff happens that screws you up completely, but then you just have to get up and start again, 'cause what choice do you have?

Part I: Ripple

Jackie woke up a few hours later, her teeth chattering and her head pounding. The window had been left open and wind caused her pink curtains to flap madly. She stared at them, her vision blurry. It was still dark out, she acknowledged calmly. Images flashed in front of her face, each indistinguishable from the next, but they all showed the same thing, which she ignored.

"Hold still, you little…"

Jackie dragged her hands down from above her head, surprised at the unexpected freedom she felt as she rotated her wrists, but she suppressed that feeling as she ignored the ache that circled around those particular joints. Just as she ignored her semi-undressed state in torn pyjamas, just as she ignored the peculiar way her thighs had to be unstuck from her sheets.

"You like this, don't you? You like it when I…"

If Jackie had felt like talking, she would have also ignored how sore her throat was, but Jackie didn't feel like talking, she didn't feel like doing much of anything but closing that window. The journey there created more factors for Jackie to ignore, such as the dull throb between her thighs and dry blood that chaffed her skin. One breast was bared shamelessly, the frayed flannel hanging off it so it glowed blue in the darkness, its only marring a large bruise surrounded by little red dents that would have stung to touch, but Jackie didn't do that.

She didn't speak, she didn't run to the telephone, she didn't look back to the bed, she only walked with one purpose in mind: to close the window. But when she got there, she found she could only look out of it quietly, her fingers stroking the soft pink ledge fondly. A sheen of sweat broke out on her forehead and cheeks and made them shine a little, but that in no way compromised the pale, child-like beauty of her face. Suddenly, she slammed the window shut, turning away quickly before she could catch her own reflection. Her hair curtained over one eye, but she ignored it and marched in the direction of the bathroom.

"Shut up…!"

Again, she turned her head away from the mirror as she flicked on the light. She squinted, swayed, ignored the burning in her crotch, and stepped into the shower. Her clothes clung to her body as water ran down it. Jackie's eyes followed the brownish-pink tinted water as it swirled down the drain. It took her ten minutes to realise she was clutching at her hair, her wrists, fuzzed by closeness, were clearly bruised. Purple finger-smudges spattered her skin. She pulled at her hair a bit before letting her hands fall to her sides and closing her eyes. Then, she went back in time a bit, ignored them, and came back with no memory of her bruised wrists whatsoever. Suddenly, she lurched forward, so suddenly that every vertebra in her back shuddered with the pain of it, and threw up.

"Yeah, you're so ti…"

She coughed, more hot liquid gushing out of her mouth, then she coughed, and coughed and then she stilled, averting her eyes as the vomit ran along with blood down the drain. Jackie sighed, kneeling down in the now-clear water, and resting her head on the warm tiles. It only took a short while, but soon the water became cold and gentler on her. Her back was a luminous white and goosebumps broke out over her skin and she shivered, but she didn't move. Not when her father came home, drunk, not when her mother came home two hours later, also drunk. In fact, she didn't make any movements until there was a rapping on her door.

"Honey… your father has just left for work and I'm about to go out… are you up?"

Jackie raised her head, staring blearily at the white door that led to her bedroom, and then to her mother. Then, with all the effort she could muster, she knelt up, swiped away the rivulets of water that could slur her speech, and coughed, "I'm…"

"…coming, I'm c…"

"…up."

But she wasn't up. Yeah, she was physically up, but she wasn't up in the ways that counted. In those ways, she was still on the floor of her shower, praying to some God she didn't believe in for something that didn't exist. She had applied make-up carefully to her face and body. The puffiness of her eyelids were gone, the bruise on her right cheek was gone, the sparse bruises over her neck and wrists; also gone. She wandered backwards and forwards, humming. Jackie often walked past her bed, her mind not even registering the blood that pooled in the centre of her once pristine pink sheet.

A ringing snapped Jackie out of her stupor. She didn't even realise she had spent the last fifteen minutes staring at herself in the mirror. She shook her head and reached for the phone, clearing her throat.

"Hello, Jackie Burkhart speaking."

"Hey, it's Donna," a husky voice said from over the other end.

She gripped the table, her knuckles turning white, "Donna?"

Donna laughed, "Yeah, remember? Your friend Donna? The lumberjack?"

Jackie relaxed, sinking to the floor, "Yeah, I know… what's up?"

"Are we set for the movies today?"

"Movies?"

"Jeez Jackie, is your brain on vacation or something? We're gonna watch 'The Deep' at the Megaplex in a couple of hours. We agreed on this yesterday."

'Yesterday.' "Yesterday?"

There was a long pause on the other line before Donna spoke up, "Jackie… are you okay? You seem really out of it…"

'No, Donna. I'm not okay; I'm really not okay,' "Yeah, I'm fine, I just feel kinda sick… and I just didn't get much… much sleep…" 'Last night.'

"Man… do you still wanna come? You don't have to if you're sick, and you sound pretty bad…"

"No…" 'Don't leave me here,' "I wanna come… maybe some fresh… cinema air will help." Her friend's nervous laugh soothed her slightly, and her eyes fell shut, "If I only have two hours I better start getting ready."

"That's the Jackie I know and love. Me and Eric will pick you up at 11.45, okay?"

'Eric?' "Alright… bye, Donna."

The car trip wasn't that much of a hassle. Eric and Donna were already in the front seats, so she had the whole back seat to herself and didn't have to touch anyone. Donna kept turning around to talk to her, but she found that there was no way she could meet her friend's eyes and kept her gaze glued to the floor. Most of her answers were just 'yes', 'no', and 'yeah, fine'. Eric may have insulted her, she didn't know. But his soft voice was soothing and she found herself lulled into almost-sleep.

When they got there though, it was more of a hassle. She was sure that Fez made an innocent comment about her appearance, then Steven and Eric bounced burns off each other. But she wasn't too sure. Michael attempted to chat her up as usual, but she shied away from him, pretending to be fascinated by popcorn.

"Ohh, shut down!"

"I was not!"

"Kelso, man, she totally ignored you."

"That's kinda weird…"

"Yeah, what's up with her…?"

Jackie shivered. Their deep, masculine voices were grating on her nerves, making the vein in her temple throb madly. Donna's, and for some reason, Eric's calm presence were the only thing keeping her from pulling out her hair.

"Jackie…"

She jumped, pulling her arm away from the redhead's gentle hand as casually as she could, "Yeah?"

"I got your ticket… do you wanna buy a snack? The guys are getting some now."

"Snack?"

"Yeah, something to eat," Donna explained.

She paused, "No… thanks, no, I don't… thanks."

Donna looked at her oddly and she turned away. She couldn't stand that look. It made her feel stupid. She clenched and unclenched her fists. Donna left her side for a moment, but she didn't notice.

"C'mon man!" someone yelled. Jackie flinched but did nothing, "Jackie!"

'He didn't yell it. Not once.' "Sorry… I'm, well…"

"… coming!"

"…Sorry."

But for some reason, the seating arrangements weren't that much of a hassle at all. Jackie, with a quiet resolve, had brought forward the 'Kelso-Hyde-Fez-Eric-Jackie-Donna' position. Donna agreed immediately, but Eric was harder to sway. He didn't want to be seated next to Satan's evil minion and 'The Grabber'.

"What? He grabs candy! I meant candy!" he snapped at Hyde and Kelso's snickers.

But without much persuasion on Jackie's part, and a lot on Donna's, they were all seated in their perfect positions before the previews ended.

"Perfect, yes," Jackie agreed aloud, crossing her arms to disguise another shiver that racked her body.