My dress ruffled in the wind as I looked down the cliff's side. A few left over tears ran down my face as I took a few deep breaths.
Calm down, my mind repeated to itself. It would soon be over. This vile thing I had been given called life would soon end. By my choice.
My little baby boy didn't even live long enough to be given a name. The memory was still burned fresh in my mind. Still I see the sickly green child lying in my arms, coughing and spluttering suddenly. My first thought was that he should be crying, not coughing. The midwife took him from me quickly and set him in the room next to my own. Sweat had barreled down my forehead, now combined with a tear.
I had done a lot of that, now – crying. I had finally looked up, at the road ahead. I could see everything, clear as the water I drank this morning. My baby and I would defeat the odds of this time. Show people that women could be independent and make their own.
But that obviously didn't happen. If it did, I would by nursing my son, sitting by an open window. Not standing by the edge of a cliff, preparing myself to die.
Some people would say twenty-six is too young to die. I disagree. It's far, far too long for my tastes. Heaven would be my life; I would fly up in the cream-colored clouds. Making sure women did not befall my fate, and helping children grow and letting them know they had a guardian angel.
That sounded plausible: A Guardian Angel. I only hoped I had one watching over me.
"I'm sorry!" I yelled out, to no one in particular. I wanted to apologize to every single person I had met, and the few who actually loved me. I was a waste of space, of soul.
A sudden memory flashed behind my eyes. A handsome doctor with golden eyes and a soft smile floated there. A diminutive smile of my own lit my face.
Doctor Cullen had given me a chance, and in a way shown me that he cared. Ten years had passed since I had seen him, but he was forever implanted in my memory. I made a mental note to myself to check on him after I was cleared into Heaven. I prayed for a moment, wishing him well.
A rock fell under my feet and startled me. I placed a hand over my racing heart and felt it beating for one last time.
I rolled up onto the balls of my feet, caressing the rock.
And I threw myself off the cliff.
Adrenaline pulsed through my veins and I let out a tiny shriek.
The wind resisted, trying vainly to fight the unconquerable gravity, pushing against me and twirling me like a rock crashing to the earth. (New Moon. Pg. 359)
I felt the ground meet my body, and my arms – which I had been holding out – broke like twigs. I now screamed in pain as a few of my ribs broke. My legs were turned out at positions that proved they were shattered. I couldn't even feel anything below my right knee.
Thunder boomed as salty tears ran down my face. Scarlett blood soaked through my pale yellow dress and my long brown hair. I couldn't move, and death was coming like a speeding train.
"Oh, dear Lord." A voice whispered. I vainly attempted to turn my head, but shrieked instead and tore my cheek on a rock. Suddenly, a familiar pale-faced man entered my vision.
"Hold on, Esme. Give me a moment. Sing a song in your head… keep the song!" Doctor Cullen's voice commanded as he tore fabric off my dress to dress my almost-severed knee. My vision blurred as my heart beat slowed.
"Swing
low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me home;
Swing low,
sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me home."
He sang quietly, and I followed along, keeping in mind that he was trying to save me.
And then… I was flying. The speed send my hair everywhere as my head lolled to the side. Doctor Cullen was still singing softly, and his voice was that of an angel's. I was in safe hands; that I knew.
--
"Yes! That's wonderful Bella! You get better every time, sweet." I patted Bella softly on the back.
"Thanks, Esme." She looked at me with bright orange eyes, a transformation from red to the topaz we all knew and loved.
My youngest daughter went and sat on a rock after burying the dead bear carcass and motioned for me to sit by her. I was a blur to human eyes as I ran over.
"Bella?" I asked suddenly. A question danced lithely on the tip of my tongue. She nodded and gazed at me as a signal to continue.
"How did it feel, choosing to live this way?" I did try to kill myself, and I was glad I did.
"I wouldn't have chosen it any other way. I knew I would have my family behind me, and that helped tremendously."
"I'm almost happy that events turned out to make me want to kill myself. If I hadn't, well, I probably wouldn't be sitting next to you right now." I remembered that day, so many years ago. To my surprise, she smirked.
"Fate is a friend. Bad things happened so often to people, like you, and even me. But look at what we got. We get to have eternity to make a difference. To help our kind change, and save innocents that way. If that didn't happen, Carlisle and Edward would be alone. Our lives would have changed. I would be a human, and single." She laughed. "I'm almost happy that you flung yourself off a cliff, too, Esme."
"You are too wise for your years, young'un!" I teased lightly, pinching her nose.
I agreed fully with her. Fate could be a friend if it was with you.