Life

By Silwyna

With tears in my eyes I watch them standing at their father's grave. Both look so much like him. They have their mother's skin, but their smile – that's his. I see him in them in every move they make, in their laughter, the way they talk ... There is no doubt they're his children, even his grandchildren look like him.

I wish they would smile now ... I would give everything to see that smile again. But today is not a day for smiles. Today is his funeral. Three days ago Admiral Lee Adama died. He went to bed at night and never woke up again. His heart had just stopped. And just like that he was dead. Neither of us had expected to die like this ... peacefully while we're sleeping. We hadn't even expected to get old enough to worry about gray hair or wrinkles. We had expected to die in a blaze of glory, fighting the Cylons. But we didn't. We survived each and every battle with them and we lived to see the end of the war. We found earth and settled down. And we grew old. But we didn't do any of it together ...

Three days ago Lee's heart stopped, but the truth was that he died two months ago. The day his wife died, his life ended as well. Of course he did a good job hiding it. He still did his work, he laughed and played with his grandchildren. But the sparkle in his eyes was gone.

I never realized how much he really loved her until it was too late. I always believed he would wait for me. Wait for me to get my life in order. But as it turned out, I hurt him one time too often. I kept pushing him away because I knew that he would always come back to me. But one day he didn't.

I wasn't there when it started. But Racetrack told me about it. While the fleet was in chaos and his father was fighting for his life in sickbay, he met with Dee every morning after the briefing. She kept him informed about his father's condition and the status of the fleet. She was there for him when I wasn't.

Later I noticed the glances he threw her way. One day I saw them in the gym, Dee lying on top of Lee after a training session. It was only a few seconds, but there had been this tension between them .. the way they looked at each other. But I didn't see it then. I didn't want to see it. I never thought it was real.

When they were together on Cloud Nine and I shot him, Dee was the one who saved his life. She was the one he found sitting at his bedside when he woke up for the first time in sickbay. It was her hand he sought. And again Dee helped him when I couldn't.

I knew they were in a real relationship after that. They spend every free minute together. I knew they were close ... but I still didn't think it was real. I just thought they both needed someone for the moment. I never thought they would stay together forever.

But they did. And ironically the day I realized that was the day Lee told me he would marry her.

I watched Anders lying on the ground when Lee came to me, two bottles of ambrosia in his hands.

"I bring offerings." He said as he handed me the drink.

"Just in time. I was running on bingo fuel." I replied grinning.

"Wow look at that!" Laughing Lee pointed at the sleeping form of Anders. "You literally drank Anders under the table."

I chuckled. "Where's Dee?"

"Oh she uh, packed it in ... to go pack."

I couldn't help but laugh with Lee about his attempt to joke. He's just too cute when he's drunk. I think that was the moment I realized for the first time what I really felt for him. And suddenly I didn't feel scared to admit it.

"Guess it's just you and me then." I said thoughtfully.

"Yup, it's just you and me." He laughed again.

I always loved to hear his laughter. And when I looked at him, I was convinced I was ready. Ready to stay with him, without pushing him away afterwards. Without hurting him.

"Why don't we go for a walk?" He suggested.

I agreed and I thought this might be the perfect opportunity. We walked for a while and looked at our surroundings.

"I can't believe they built all this up in such a short time. It almost looks like a town. A small town, but still ..." His voice trailed off and he looked thoughtfully at the City of tents several meters behind us.

"Check it out! It's a great place for a house." I teased him. The truth was that the idea of getting a house with him here, starting a life with him on this planet sounded like the best thing in the world right now. At least for me.

"So you're really gonna give up flying?" The way he asked it sounded as if he could never give it up. But he had. He was a Commander now. And Commanders didn't fly. So why couldn't I stop as well?

"Eh, flying's gonna suck now anyway. Lot's of training, endless CAP's. War's over, so is all the good stuff." I joked. And I searched for the right words to tell him how I felt ... how I have always felt.

"Give me a tour of the future life of Kara Anders." Lee said grinning. It was not what I wanted to hear.

"I'm not getting married." I replied determinedly. At least not to Samuel T. Anders. That's what I wanted to tell him but he beat me to it.

"I will. Or at least I hope to." He laughed nervously and I looked at him curiously. I had no idea that the bottom of my world was about to drop out below me with his next words.

"I'm going to propose to Dee." He smiled and when I looked at him I had never seen him so happy and nervous at the same time. "I even managed to get a ring. Now she just needs to say yes."

"I ... I'm sure she will." I stuttered.

"I never thought I would say this, but I want to have a family with her. Can you imagine me as a husband? A father even?" He laughed.

I stayed quiet for a moment and just stared at him. The time seemed to have stopped and I couldn't breathe. It was now or never. I couldn't wait any longer. I knew I was ready. I could tell him. And I did.

"Lee ... I love you."

"Wh-what?" Confused he stared at me.

I still thought I had a chance. I still hadn't realized that it was too late for us. "I love you. I always have. But I ... I kept pushing you away, I hurt you and I'm sorry. I was always afraid to admit it but I'm not anymore. If ... if you still feel anything for me, then ..."

"Kara ..." He laid his finger on my lips and when I looked in his eyes I knew what he was going to say. And my world collapsed. "You have no idea how long I waited for you to say that." He spoke in a quiet voice. "I loved you from the first moment I saw you and I wanted to be with you more than anything. And I thought I could wait for you forever. But ... forever just turned out to be too long. If you had told me all this a year ago, I would have been yours in an instant. But then I met Dee and ..." He took a deep breath. " She's the absolute opposite from you but I love her with all my heart. She's the best that ever happened to me and I'm happy. And I want to make her happy. There is no room for anyone else anymore. Not even you." He looked sad as he spoke. But he was sad for the wrong reason. It hurt more than anything to see pity for me in his eyes.

I swallowed and tried to force down the tears. I didn't want him to see me crying. "I understand."

"I'm sorry, Kara."

"No." I shook my head. "Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for. You're right ... Forever is just too long. I wish the best for you and Dee."

Lee returned to Pegasus the same night and I did one of the most stupid things in my life.

When I returned to the City I stormed into our tent and practically threw Anders out of the bed. I had no idea how he had managed to get in there as he had been really out when I had left him, but he was there. And he was still drunk as was I. Which was probably the reason neither of us ever suspected any wrong reasons behind my suggestion.

"Let's get married." I told him excitedly.

"What?" Anders stared at me as if I had two heads.

"Let's get married. I love you, you love me and we already live together. Let's make it official."

"You sure?"

"More then anything." I said and when Anders agreed something inside me died. But I smiled at him happily and when we had found a priest and he asked me I said yes with as much determination as I could muster. And I really thought I was happy. I was Anders' wife now and when Lee would get married, I wouldn't be left behind. I wouldn't be alone.

It didn't take me long to realize how stupid we both had been at the time. Of course our marriage was doomed from the beginning. Anders and I married for the wrong reasons. I wanted to prove to the world and to me that I hadn't just lost the most important part of my life and Anders was proud and happy that the big and famous Starbuck was now his wife. He never really knew me. He just knew Starbuck ... Kara Thrace had always been a stranger to him. Anders and I weren't right for each other. But Dee and Lee ... they were. They loved each other more than life and they stayed together. And they belonged together. I once told Lee that I thought his marriage was a lie as my had been ... but it wasn't. Dee had given him what I never could ... true happiness and unconditional love.

Dee was what I never could have never been ... she was his life, his heart, the reason he got up every morning. They had two wonderful children, Evan and Sophie, and three adorable grandchildren, Joseph, William and Laura. They had lived a happy, fulfilled live. Of course they had their fights every now and then, but they only grew closer afterwards. They had this perfect, wonderful relationship everyone yearns for. And they grew old together.

And now I'm standing here, looking at his grave. I never thought I would outlive him. I didn't even got to say goodbye. I have never felt really old, but today I do. Lee had been a part of my life for over 50 years. And even though we never became more than friends, he was everything for me. And now he is gone. He had followed Anastasia into the afterlife. He was with her again.

TBC

A.N.: Thanks a lot to Laurie for beta reading. :)