The World I Know

A fan fiction for "A Separate Peace."

My first ASP fic, and the first fic I've written in a looong time. This could be interpreted as GeneFinny, or whatever you want it to be. I don't really know what I'm going for here.

The format is a little screwy, because is screwy. Deal.

Inspired by the chorus of "The World I Know" by Collective Soul.

So I walk up on high

And I step to the edge

To see my world below

And I laugh at myself

As the tears roll down

'Cause it's the world I know It's the world I know…

"Opening today's ceremonies, a speech presented to you by the valedictorian of the Devon class of 1943, Gene Forrester."

I closed my eyes and stood; a sick feeling of dread was pooling into my stomach, and the knot only tightened when I realized that all eyes were on me and that the auditorium had become completely silent. I looked back to my classmates as if searching for some source of peace and reassurance; Brinker was watching in quiet respect, Chet seemed to be muttering to himself, probably upset that I beat him by one grade point, and Leper was chewing his nails nervously, his eyes darting back and forth from me to the podium. I was about to scan the group for a sign of Phineas, and then, with another sick drop in my guts, I remembered that he wasn't there.

With heavy feet I walked toward the podium, clearing my throat and pulling the speech from the inside of my robes. A quick glance into the audience told me that my parents were there, watching with encouraging smiles, trying to provide the comfort that only one person could've given me.

I pulled the microphone closer to my face and, with another clearing of my throat, began to speak.

"We've all been here for four years…we've all shared these grounds and these rooms and this school with each other for our entire high school careers."

Don't think about Phineas.

"There's been a war on, but we've gotten through. We've all been trained up and prepared for what we're all about to face."

Don't think about him.

"Some of us have already experienced it." I glimpsed at Leper, and he smiled half-heartedly, weary. "And some of us…" I paused, realizing what I was about to say. "Some of us will never experience it."

The silence seemed to swell at this statement, which gave the room an odd atmosphere of grave, solemn remembrance. It didn't matter if the parent's in the crowd knew what I was talking about; all I needed was the knowledge that my peers knew perfectly well what I was saying.

Dammit, Gene, I told you not to think about it.

I hadn't written this in my speech; it was a spur of the moment, improvised line that I felt the sudden urge to add in, something that I couldn't resist forcing onto everyone else.

"There was a student here two years ago who we all knew and liked, and he is not with us here today. I ask that my classmates take a moment to stop and remember Finny."

Don't do this to yourself, Gene.

Leper hung his head and Brinker closed his eyes. The rest of the boys merely bowed their heads in respect, some murmuring prayers under their breath, others merely waiting for the awkward silence to pass.

A mutter of disapproval swept through the crowd like wildfire, and from the corner of my eye, I saw the headmaster shift uncomfortably in his chair. I cleared my throat again.

"Thank you to all of the teachers, principals, and students here at Devon. We have all come here as boys, and left as men. Thank you for listening."

I shoved the speech back into my robes and ducked away from the podium; there were an entire two paragraphs left on the page that I hadn't recited, and no longer felt the need to. I'd gone up and said what I had to say, and I wasn't going to say anymore.

I resumed my place next to Brinker, and he clapped my shoulder heartily.

"You did the right thing, Gene. Good job."

I shook him off wearily, nodding. "Yeah. Thanks."

The headmaster took his place at the podium, and started to call off names for the students to receive their diplomas. I hardly paid attention; when I heard my name, I walked up to him mechanically and shook his hand, took the diploma and shuffled back to my seat, drained. I realized after I sat down that I'd gripped the paper too tightly, so that it was now a wrinkled ball of artificial parchment. I sighed.

Don't think about it, Gene.

I walked out the back door of the auditorium, temporarily forgetting about my parents and everyone else inside. I headed toward the fields, blinking in the bright sun. My robes were suffocating. I began to peel them off and swung them over my shoulder, pushing up the sleeves of my stiff, button-down shirt and loosening my tie. I ran a clammy hand through my hair, letting out a frustrated sigh.

He's supposed to be here. He should be here, and it's my fault he isn't.

I frowned and glanced off into the distance. Past the fields were the basketball courts, and I closed my eyes against the drop in my stomach as I remembered blitzball.

"Leper, take it!"

"I don't want it, Gene!" He stared at me helplessly, throwing the ball back in my direction. I threw it back.

"Take it!"

We threw the ball back and forth for a moment until I finally accepted the pass, only to be tackled to the ground by Phineas a few moments later.

"Thanks, pal!" He swept the ball out of my arms and ran up the court, a mob of boys chasing after him.

"You're welcome," I muttered under my breath, standing and dusting myself off with a small smile.

I opened my eyes and realized that my feet had led me across the courts, and I was now only yards away from the river. My eyes slowly trailed upwards and landed on the tree. I stared at it for a moment and started towards it hesitantly, dropping my robes in the grass and pulling off my tie. I stopped beside the trunk and tilted my head back to look up into the highest branches, squinting against the sun.

"Don't be a wimp. Come on, jump!"

Without giving a thought to it, I ripped off my shirt and through it aside, pulling off my shoes and jumping onto the lowest branch, grabbing it and swinging myself up. I glanced down at the water and continued to climb, determined to reach the highest branch. I pulled myself up onto it and sat there for a moment, swinging my legs nonchalantly, staring down at the water.

Do it for Finny.

I carefully stood and made my way to the edge of the limb, steadily keeping my balance, glancing down at the river uneasily.

So I walk up on high

And I step to the edge

To see my world below

I smiled sadly, putting a hand to my mouth and closing my eyes again, feeling teardrops roll down my face. I took a shaky breath and laughed wearily, a powerful surge of emotions coursing through my blood.

And I laugh at myself

As the tears roll down

'Cause it's the world I know

I quickly wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and steadied myself again, taking a deep breath. With a dramatic sweep of my arms I flung them out to either side of me, as if I were about to take the suicidal jump off of a building.

Slowly, I leaned my weight forward, and the glare of the water hit my eyes as I fell downwards, the water rushing up to meet me. I closed my eyes before I landed, and the water consumed me, pulling me down into its current, completely submerging me.

I resurfaced with a gasp, panting heavily, my undershirt and pants fully soaked. I swam to the edge and lay down against the grass, staring up at the sky, the water lapping at my ankles.

"I'm sorry, Finny," I whispered. "God, I'm so sorry…"

For the last time that day, I closed my eyes and let the guilt wash over me painlessly. Phineas was gone, and he wasn't coming back. Jumping had made me accept this, come to terms with it, I let out another weary sigh as I felt sleep lingering toward me, and I succumbed to it gratefully, putting my aching body to rest.

The last thing I felt was the sun upon my face.

'Cause it's the world I know… FIN

Woooo. I dunno how you want to interpret that ending. I don't know either. Have fun psycho-analyzing it. I hope you enjoyed! Please review!

Aki T