A/n: If anyone's read Anthony Rapp's (amazing) book, you'll know that in it, he talks about going home to visit his mother, and quotes the Counting Crows song, "A Long December." Well, I decided to make it into a Mark songfic. Enjoy…and thanks, The Last Truffula Tree, for looking it over and making sure it makes sense. :D
A Long December
.x.
.x.
It was cold.
The mood, the fresh, fall-scented air, and most importantly- Angel.
Angel was cold, dead, and was currently being laid in the ground, and Mark couldn't help but wonder how it all had come to this.
Almost a year ago, they had been a happy, fun-loving, live-for-the-moment-and-don't-hold-back, makeshift family, and now they were all acting cold toward one another, the tension in the air tangible, and not going unnoticed by Mark; and possibly by his other bohemian friends.
A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Oh the days go by so fast
But then again, Mark had always been the one to watch everyone around him. Mimi and Roger, despite their obviously rocky relationship, had something that- and Mark had seen it from the beginning- was, for lack of a better term, simply meant to be.
Maureen and Joanne, the more unlikely couple, had been quite elusive to Mark, at first. But now, at least when they weren't fighting, Mark could look at either of them and see the pure love for one another that seeped from their pores whenever they shared a mere glance.
Collins and Angel, of course, had been the perfect couple. Mark didn't think he'd ever seen them fight, and he knew that it was because they knew how pointless it would be- knew how trivial and unimportant fights were when lives were at stake.
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven
I wish you would
It wasn't that Mark didn't like to be a part of that family- it was just that he sometimes didn't know if he actually belonged. Maureen had left him for someone whom she really appeared to love, and Mark wondered if he really was that replaceable.
It was a safer bet, he'd decided, to just stand on the sidelines and watch everything play out before him. Better to watch than to get involved, to feel something. But then again, wasn't this all perfect proof of how emotionally invested he was in all of this?
It was almost like watching a game of Chess, really- his friends were pawns, manipulated by factors like death, disease and loss- and moved by things like art and love.
But they were all making mistakes, and Mark didn't know how to tell them that. They would just have to figure it out themselves- it was the only way that they'd ever learn anything. Roger was leaving for Santa Fe right after the funeral- still jealous of Benny.
There was no doubt in Mark's mind that Roger was being selfish, especially now that Mimi needed him the most. After Roger left, Mimi would start using heroin again, and the nasty cycle would begin again.
Maureen and Joanne were being stubborn, as usual. Had Angel's untimely death, paired with Collins's current anguished expression at the casket in front of him, taught them anything about the importance of love?
Apparently not.
Mark felt a twinge of hope and a flutter in his chest as Maureen looked over and attempted a smile at him, but he pushed it away. No matter how long she and Joanne would be broken up this time, her heart would always belong to that other woman. Not him.
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California
I think you should
Mark smiled back tightly, and he noticed that Maureen's smile didn't quite reach her eyes. Besides, Mark knew, he'd never made the smile on her face reach her eyes. And he'd definitely never caused the agony that inhabited them now, as she glanced wantonly at Joanne.
As Maureen placed the first rose upon Angel's grave, everyone else followed suit. As soon as the small memorial service was over, Roger stalked off, leaving a confused Mimi behind. She shrugged at everyone else and tried to follow behind him, and Benny tried to follow her.
Maureen and Joanne eventually clasped hands, the cut in their relationship bandaged. They walked off together, both giving a small wave to Mark and Collins.
Collins, the last one. He gave Mark a small pat on the back, leaving the cemetery, but not the memories, behind.
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
Mark looked around the deserted graveyard, and then back at Angel's headstone, reflecting over what a hell of a year it had been.
Maybe was true that he'd be the only one left to survive.
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean
I guess I should
Mark checked his watch, cursing as he saw the time. Alexi was waiting.
.x.
…
A/N: I guess it was more drabble-y than anything. Anyways, kudos if you read the whole thing…It didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. Reviews are always nice, though..:/