Sam watched Ed sleep, something she did every night. She loved the way he slept, it was picture perfect and it only helped that they shared a room upstairs in Winry's house. Sam's sketch pad was out along with her pencils and outlined Ed's sleeping shape onto her paper. Her sketch pad was filled with the images of sleeping Ed, who was completely unaware of her nightly drawing sessions. Only if he knew…Sam didn't want to think of the outcome. When Sam came to the point where she was drawing out his hand she paused, his human hand, she thought, was so powerful. Though not nearly as strong as his metal hand. She became so absorbed in thought of his hand, sketching over it again and again. She didn't notice Ed's eyes flicker open softly and glance at the girl in front of his bed. He didn't make a noise, didn't move, he just stared. She finally glimpsed again at Ed and her eyes went wide. Terror stricken she fell out of her chair, both pencils and pad dropping to the floor with her. Her hand shot up to her mouth, her eyes watered with tears.
"Ed, I…" She began but couldn't finish, Ed had picked up her pad and was looking at it. But his expression wasn't plagued with anger, only confusion and sleep. Bracing herself with her own metal hand she pushed herself up to run out of the bedroom door. Full of grief and shame Sam ran from the house, hoping that he wouldn't follow her. Though she knew she'd have to come back within a few hours, dawn was approaching and she'd be missed at the breakfast table if she wasn't there. Horror filled tears ran down her red flushed face, her boots pounded into the dirt. The cold night air tickled her tear stained cheeks and tangled her long brown hair. She'd hide by the river, at least till the break of dawn, she could go back, and she didn't want to go back with Ed knowing her secrets. She collapsed at the edge of the river, on her knees, face berried in her hands. Sam wasn't crying, but gasping, she had lost everything. Her dignity, her strength, her stone front was all gone now that he knew the feelings that lurked inside of Sam.
As the sun dawned Sam solemnly made her way back to Winry's house, expecting much more than the worse possible outcome, as she opened the door she found she was alone down stairs but movement was apparent above her. As long as she and Ed weren't alone together she'd have to pull herself together. With her focus presently on the footsteps above her she didn't notice Winry set a few plates down at the table she was in front of. Wandering back down to the table her gaze met Winry's; with blank confusion Sam tipped her head to one side in question.
"Where were you?" Winry asked as she placed another plate down were Sam would be sitting.
"I went out for a run, I couldn't sleep so I figured not to wake anyone up," Sam lied; she hated having to lie to Winry, after everything she had done for her these past few months. What with her automail limbs that she had installed for free and she had put a roof over Sam's head.
"Well you look troubled, is something wrong?" Winry asked, her arms folded and a crease of worry on her brow.
A knot made home in her stomach and her heart pounded heavily in her chest about to burst from anxiety, "No, everything is fine, really."
Sam's eyes flicked from Winry's expression to the stairs expecting Ed to come down at any moment and she would fall apart at that very moment. Her stomach lurched as she heard footsteps come down the stairs, her head twisted to find a way to escape, her mind racing and her breath catching. The metal figure of Al appeared on the steps and Sam let out a long breathe, she just couldn't take this pressure, this foreboding feeling of guilt and pain. Sam felt sick; she didn't think she'd be able to get breakfast down safely with her nerves on high alert like they were. Maybe she could take her breakfast outside and eat out on the porch. But maybe that was a little too out character for Sam. She always sat the table, silently but still present. It would make Winry worry even more if she wasn't in the house doing her regular things.
"Are you alright Sam? You look sick." Winry interrupted cautiously a hand reaching slightly for Sam.
Sam thought for a minute, "Yeah, I'm not feeling too well, it's my stomach." At least this time Sam wasn't lying. Winry nodded, but her attention was drawn to the stairs, Ed was coming down, she could feel it. Her fever crept up her body, she broke out into a cold sweat, and she felt like she was going to throw up at any moment. It was Ed's leg that first revealed itself from the stairs, then the rest of him followed. He looked directly at her, his expression was unreadable. Sam's whole body incased itself in fire, her head was filled with dizzying air and the room spun. She couldn't handle this, not with him knowing. Sam didn't want to make a scene, maybe Ed was too tired to remember what happened, what would happen then? What if he had taken her drawing pad and hid it somewhere as black mail? Sam's mind went into overdrive, her head continued to spin and she almost started to hyperventilate. Feeling very woozy Sam made her way to the table, trying to ignore the warning sirens that were going off in her body. She couldn't make a scene; she had to keep her cool, even if it killed her. Ed had reached the bottom of the stairs and was talking casually to Al and Winry, but his gaze was still on Sam, she could feel it. Sam faked a slight yawn to hide the hot panic filled tears. Shortly after everyone joined Sam at the table with Ed directly across from her, she kept her gaze right in front of her as Pinako placed pancakes on their plates. Sam was relieved that she normally didn't talk during the "family" meals; she knew that things would be much harder if she had to talk.
It seemed she had spoken too soon, once Ed had finished a mouthful of freshly made pancake he asked, "So where were you this morning when I got up, Sam?"
Sam's stomach lurched into her throat and her fork stopped midway to her mouth, "A jog, I-I went for a jog." She then tried to shove the piece of pancake into her mouth and chew it, but it was one of the hardest things she could have possibly done right at that moment. While the others around her talked to each other Ed continued to try and talk with her.
"Where'd you jog to?" He pushed and poured himself a glass of juice.
Sam strained to contain her shame, "Just around the river I guess, I wasn't paying much attention."
Winry stared at the two, noticing the slight terror in Sam's voice. She sensed that something had happened between the two. Until she found out what, she felt that it was be best to put Sam back into her comfort zone, "Sam I was wondering if you'd go with me to the store about a mile from here once we're done eating."
Sam swallowed hard on her food and replied, "Yeah, um, that'd be great, Winry."
Ed lifted an eyebrow, "So how did you sleep? You weren't up too late were you?"
Sam tensed not wanting to reply, she fought the urge to scream at him and walk away, "I slept fine, in fact I didn't wake up at all. Expect for when I went for my jog." The rest of the morning was filled with a silence that could only foreshadow the beginning of something bad. Sam helped Winry with the dishes and the two left not long after; Ed didn't try to conjure up another question to force Sam to talk to him and soon Sam sunk back into reality.
"I-Is something going on between you and Edward? I mean, this morning was pretty harsh," Winry tried kindly to get Sam to ease up.
Sam gave a long sigh followed with, "I guess you could say something is. But it's not really a big deal…hopefully he'll just let it go." Sam's gaze fell to the dirt road in front of them.
Winry gave Sam a hopeful glance and small smile, she couldn't think of anything else to say. Sam wasn't known to do much talking, a lot about her was still a giant mystery to everyone and it seemed that Sam liked it that way.
And so the two stayed quiet, both on their way there and back, but to Sam it wasn't an awkward silence. In a way it was as if they were still talking. Just being with Winry alone was far more revealing than she usually was, but she was sad when they came back to Winry's house to find Ed and Al sparing in the front lawn. She passed him quietly, taking the chance to sneak up into their room and hide her drawing pad. Hopefully, Sam thought, Ed had dropped what had happened and wasn't going to bring it up again. Placing the brown bag of groceries gently down by the kitchen bar she went up stairs, keeping a watchful eye on the blonde haired boy that was outside.
Their large loft-like room looked just as it usually did, bare and somewhat chilly. Her pad was on Ed's bed, closed but other than that it seemed untouched. As if curiosity pulled Sam in like gravity she leapt to his bed and took a hold of her drawing pad. Her pencil was lying beside it, looking just like it had before she dropped it. Sam gently flipped through her book, nothing was torn or smudged, it was just the same. She wondered if he'd looked through it at all. She wandered back to her bed, which was across the room from his, he had the nice window view, but she didn't mind much. The hairs on her neck prickled, she didn't want to be trapped in here, if Ed caught her up here she'd never escape. She didn't want to face him, she couldn't face him.
She hid her drawing pad with her clothes, pretty safe for now. With a few fears forgotten she walked briskly downstairs to find Edward sitting on the couch, but this time he wasn't look at her, just staring straight ahead at the wall. Sam gulped and looked around; she couldn't find anyone else in the house to hide behind. But maybe he wouldn't try and talk to her this time, maybe he didn't even know she was there. Slowly and quietly she continued down the stairs, she could hear the others outside, it was just her and Edward in the house. When Sam reached the end of the stairs she stopped, unsure of what she should do, Ed seemed engrossed in thought. She stood somewhat behind him, close to the door while he was on the couch and she wondered how long it'd he awkward like this.
"Um, I'm sorry Ed," Sam whispered and before he could turn around she left the house. She stared at the small crowd of three sitting in the front yard. The door clicked behind her and she stepped quietly off the porch, her face momentarily cold as stone. To Sam's relief they didn't look back at her when she sat down next to them, they just watched the sun set peacefully. Sam guessed that sleeping was going to be terrible, and a knot once again made its way into the pit of her stomach.
"Is Ed just sitting inside by himself?" Winry asked, not directly at her but Sam knew it was for her.
"I think he's waiting for dinner, Winry," Sam replied as her stomach growled, "Is it my turn tonight to wash dishes?"
This time it wasn't Winry's voice that answered her, it was Pinako's, "If you believe it is then you're welcome to do so."
Sam nodded her head into her knees, the serenity of the setting sun made her feel like even though things had gone horribly wrong, it could still turn out alright. When they finally headed in, Ed had set the table and was starting the spaghetti, not her favorite thing to eat, but she wasn't about to complain. Sitting down in her usual spot she noticed that something about the table was different, the bigger plate that Ed usually used was sitting next to her own and Winry's was placed where Ed normally sat. A bit confused Sam considered moving them, but then thought it rude and regretfully left the plates alone. To pass the time Sam sat nibbling her thumb nail, waiting with butterflies in her stomach for the outcome of dinner. Al showed her a short card game right before Pinako, Ed, and Winry set the food down on the table. Just as Sam had feared he sat himself down next to her, her stomach and heart went straight into her throat and the feelings that were apparent this morning came back rushing to her senses. Throughout dinner Ed would "accidently" brush his hand across her, or his arm would bump into her as he reached for something across from her. The only one who seemed bothered by this arrangement was her and she slightly wondered if everyone was in on this sick kind of joke. So Sam finished her meal as quickly as she could, trying to not look like she was only trying to get away. Once done with her plate of food she got up to put it away but was stopped by a hand tugging at her shirt.
"Sit back down Sam, not everyone is done yet," Ed bluntly said and continued to tug at her shirt, no one but Al seemed at all bothered by his statement.
"But I-," Sam started but reluctantly sat back down and stared solemnly down at her finished plate. Finally after a half hour of uncomfortable sitting with Ed she was allowed to go. Silently she wandered up the stairs, she'd decided that she wouldn't go to bed until she knew Ed was asleep, but she felt the need to get into more comfortable clothing.
In the midst of gathering bedtime clothes to change into in the bathroom a small click came from the door. Her head shot up, she thought she was safe from him coming up the stairs, but there he was, staring at her, holding the door closed. She felt her body started to tremble and sweat, she couldn't concentrate on gathering clothes, her hands wouldn't hold them. Her eyes darted backt o where he was standing, quietly watching her, she could almost see the gears in his head turning, thinking of something to say. Unable to hold her weight any longer Sam's legs gave away and she stumbled to the floor in from of the chest containing her clothes. It was if gravity had stopped working, or time had stopped. Each breath taking second was like another four. In her head she pleaded with him, thinking about how unfair this was. It was just drawings, nothing more than that. Why torment her so, was he that mad at her for practically stalking him in his sleep? Tears filled her eyes and her breath grew rapid as she fell apart. She heard his steps get closer, but she didn't dare look at him. Her stone front, she'd even told him that she didn't care for anyone but herself. She told him that she'd never fall for anyone. But now she was open, wide open and unable to handle it.
"You know, I'm not mad at you," Ed whispered gently and sat on his own bed, Sam still didn't dare look.
A large lump grew in Sam's throat making her unable to respond, her body felt cold and her stomach strangely hungry, "Ed, I-," She couldn't think of just what to say.
"I didn't think it was possible for anyone to ever fully push everyone out anyway," He continued and she heard him get off his head and kneel beside her, "You don't have to be afraid to tell me."
Clutching her clothes to her chest for dear life Sam stared almost gasping for air, he was being too calm. She hadn't prepared herself for any kind of confrontation and her brain was useless, as was her tongue.
"I just…I couldn't just," Sam tried but nothing came to her mind. Her face grew hot, she was thankful that it was dark enough for her blush to not be seen from Ed.
Ed put his automail hand on her shoulder, "Hey, it's okay, really." He gently nudged her, trying to put her back into a comfort zone. "I understand that you're embarrassed, but it's no big deal. If it makes you feel any better I didn't look through your drawing pad."
Sam looked up at him and saw a little smile on his face, a chuckle trying to ease its way to the surface. She was still ashamed, still wide open. She hated it, hated knowing that he knew, and hated knowing that he knew that she hated knowing it. But she didn't know what to do, she was never this clueless, she was always calm, always collected. It was something about Edward that did this to her, she always felt so naked around him, no matter how many times she reassured herself that she had clothes on. They stared at each other, Sam wondering what was going on his head. But he looked peaceful enough, with a faint smile still lingering on his face.
Sam again hung her head, breaking their eye connection, "You…." She didn't want to finish. It would have made her sound even more pathetic than the small unfinished sentences she'd already tried.
Ed gave a small glimmer of interest, "I what?"
"I can't, I just can't," Sam stuttered, trying to cover up for her brain malfunction.
Ed took her by the shoulders and pulled her into a hug, "Don't think that I'd be mad at you, Sam."
Sam's heart skipped, a feeling she wasn't used to, "Ed, I don't think…" She didn't want to say anything, his embrace stunned her and she almost wanted it to last forever, "Can you feel it?" She spat out finally, for some reason she didn't regret saying it.
"Feel what?" Ed asked quietly pulling her away with worry on his face.
"My heart beat, is that normal?" She had no idea what she was saying, she sounded so stupid, so desperate. Ed gave her a blank stare, unsure of exactly what he should do with that statement. Sam shook her head wildly, she was going insane. Her body and her mind were imploding on itself, that's why she was saying those things. Her gaze darted away from him, shaking off the thought of the stupid question. She dropped her clothes and backed away from him, his close presence was completely messing with her. Shutting down her system, everything was short circuiting, her eyes gave into tunnel vision and her head got fuzzy.
"Are you alright?" Ed asked with his mouth left open slightly, looking troubled by her reactions.
Sam didn't think, everything was gone, her humanity dissolved along with her ability to function properly. But she stood up, shakily. Hands clasped harshly at her chest, knees pointed inward to keep some sort of balance. She was overreacting, but she didn't know how else to act. She'd never been put in this situation, never been made to feel this way. Sam muffled a scream into her hands and shot out of the room, leaving the bedroom door open. Her bare feet pounded against the hard wood of the stairs, running away again. It was all she had done that day. She didn't care if she was called a coward, she wanted his presence to leave her, and she wanted back her reality. Unfortunately for Sam, Ed was hot on her heels, he wanted answers and he was going to get them one way or another. She made a hasty dash to the front door, the downstairs now deserted for the night, the others already in their rooms until the morning. Her body felt numb the whole lot was taken over by the beating of her heart, which felt like it would burst if she didn't get away. As she escaped the front lawn she heard Ed closing the distance, her barefoot run no match for his booted one. With a rapid swing of her hand to gain some kind of momentum she felt his automail hand grab hers and pull it toward him. Sam's body was jerked back, almost giving her whiplash. She was flung violently onto the ground, with all of Ed's bodyweight on top of her own. With both of their breathe heaving from their chests nothing was said for a moment. Only the communication of their eyes was shared in this time, but it was Ed who was that first to speak.
"What the hell is your problem?" He shouted at her breathlessly, his warm breath hitting her skin with a hard impact.
Sam twisted within his grasp, his legs locked hers to the ground and his hand held her arms pinned, "I can't!" Was all she said as she wriggled and arched her back to shift his weight.
With a rough grunt Ed shoved his hands harder into her arms, she squirmed and closed her eyes tightly trying to fight back the pain, "Just try or I'll sock you one!"
The girl screamed with clenched teeth, "I don't know how! It's just you! I can't hide around you!"