A/N: Hi guys! I was talking to my cousins about fun story ideas (keep in mind they've never seen Gravity Falls) and they said it would be cool if Bill Cipher stole the moon. AU Bill Cipher is alive and floating in space. Character is very OOC. None of this is scientifically accurate. I wouldn't take this story seriously if I were you, but it was super fun to write. Constructive criticism is very appreciated. I do not own Gravity Falls or any of its characters (or the moon).
As Bill floated through space, he thought about a lot of things. He thought about the questions mortals asked. The answers they aspired for. And how pointless those answers really were. If humans could see the big picture, would they ever ask "Did I leave the oven on?" or "Does existence have meaning?" Needless to say, Cipher had a lot of time on his hands. In fact, he could barely hold all of the time. He thought about the Pines a lot. He thought about humanity as a whole a lot too. So, on this one particular day, thinking about the moon was not too uncommon for Cipher. Why do they care so much? Bill asked himself All of it is just cheese. But the satellites kept coming, and the rovers kept roving. Around, around, around they went, circling this ancient cheese rock that just happened to get caught in a Gremloblin's stare. And why do they compare it to the sun? he asked. The sun is actually cool. Formed by the roll of an infinity die, the small magical object exploded into a fiery ball of light. (Many speculate what the roll actually was, but the universally accepted answer was that the dice displayed three fateful words: One Fiery Boi) The sun is the actual reason life exists on Earth, and all the moon does is bring tides and bad drivers. So why are they seen as equals? Why does the moon get all of the praise? 'I'll teach those crescent-loving imbeciles Bill thought. I'll steal the moon. So Bill increased his size so he was big enough to crush the moon with his two fingers. The footage of this action has been recorded and watched all over the world. That day became Illuni Day, the moonless day, because Bill Cipher did it. He pinched the moon between his thumb and index finger and crushed it like a grape. Cipher laughed. That'll teach them a lesson.
The world erupted in chaos. After all, the moon was gone. Thousands of sailors were lost at sea on account of the loss of the tides. Houses were destroyed. Calendars were now pointless. Every space agency on the planet struggled to find a solution to this problem. This had never happened before. As Bill Cipher watched this chaos from space, he saw a flash of light from Area 51. Then another. Then another, but longer. Morse code he thought. I know that. I know the answer to every question in this plane of existence. The same message flashed over and over again. We want it back. We want it back. We want it back. Bill's eyes blinked in confusion as he looked at what was left of the moon orbiting the Earth and burning up upon entry to the atmosphere. A few seconds later, Bill came up with an answer he was satisfied with. With his body, he spelled out his sentence in space for all telescopes to see.
Too late.
No more moon for you.