It was raining. Again. It was always raining. At least it seemed that way to him.
John (the name he had chosen to go with. ("For now", he had said, "it's not everyday one gets to pick his own name!") sat in the window seat of the library room, chin in his hand, staring blankly at the rain running down the glass pane. All four (well five, inlcluding Rose's little brother) lived in her father's mansion for now, though Rose had been trying to aquire her own flat. No one else was home; Rose's parents were staying at a friend's for the day and wouldn't be back until tomorrow, and she was at work. He should have been too, but he had called out that day. He had been calling out more often lately. He was bored. Terribly, frustratingly, excrutiatingly bored. Ever since that day, the day of his creation, of Davros's downfall, of the parting of the ways, his new life...he had been trying. It had been only six months, but sometimes it felt infinitely longer. Because of who he was, he had been given a position at this dimension's Torchwood, as well as a scientific advisor for UNIT. But... There were no more adventures. He couldn't simply come and go as he pleased. He had one planet now, not scores. Some deep, long-surpressed fibre of his soul was overjoyed at this; a home! A home again at last! Not the same, but a home none the less! A house, not a Tardis, but an actual house, with walls and floors and cupboards and closets and stuff in it...all with finite dimensions.
And at this moment, he hated it.
Suddenly he heard the front door slam. He had almsot forgotten he was alone . "-anyone here for meeee?" a voice sang loudly and merrily, "I bought two tickets for paradise, so won't you come along and we'll see..." John sat up slightly. Rose. Dear, sweet Rose. He loved her with all his heart and soul, but he found even that was becoming a weak anchor for his wanderlust. He knew he had to talk to her about the whole matter at some point, he just wasn't sure when or how to begin. Suddenly, she strode into the room, carrying a small pint of ice cream and a spoon. Upon seeing him, she started and nearly dropped them,
"Oh! For heaven's sake...you nearly scared me half to death! I didn't realize you were home. Did you hear me a minute ago? ..Were you sleeping? Sorry!" she set the food on a small table, "Do you want some too? I'll grab another spoon."
Before he could open his mouth to decline, she had bounded back to the kitchen. She paused and leaned against the counter, hugging herself. She had seen his eyes when he turned to look at her. They were so terribly sad and hopeless, with an undercurrent of anger. He was still in the rumpled t-shirt and pajama pants he had been in since yesterday afternoon, and had obviously not shaved in a couple days. His utter lack of care about his appearance worried her as much as his mood. She too had sensed his frustrations as of late, but like him, had no clue where to start. Taking a breath to steady herself, she plucked another spoon from the untensil drawer and walked back to the library.
Not quite sure what to say, she tried "So...no work today, huh?"
"Apparently not. Didn't need me today..." he replied cooly, rolling his eyes and turning back to look out the window. He leaned back against the wall, putting a pillow behind him, and crossed his arms.
"Yeah, they let me and some of the other newer staff go about ten...slow day, nothing real exciting going on, so they didn't need us. Still get paid for a full day, so that 's good." said Rose, sitting herself on her favorite plush chair and grabbing her ice cream.
When he didn't respond after a minute, she proferred the ice cream, "Hmm?" she said, "It's really good. Banana cream pie...?" and wiggled it to get his attention.
He glanced at her, shook his head, and turned away again.
Her heart sank. There were days he was distant and melancholy, and they were getting more frequent, but today there was something different. Not only was he acting depressed, she now sensed he was being downright cold and indifferent, even a tad sarcastic.
She asked,"Okay...um, want to go catch a movie? There's a really good sounding action flick out now...it's about-"
"No thanks."
"Grab some food? Chips? I know how much you, we, love them."
"No."
"Go shopping? You did mention last week that you were considering some new jeans, and a jacket."
"No." at this his annoyance was beginning to leak into his voice.
"Erm...what do you want to do?"
He didn't answer. He also felt his mask cracking, his calm disposition start to weaken. One thing about this human self he had quickly learned was that emotions were more difficult to conceal and control. That in of itself he found irritating, which only made it worse.
Rose bit her lip, "If it stops raining soon enough, want to...go to our hill and star-gaze?"
John clenched his fists, but she didn't see it, instead trying once more to elicit a proper response from him, "We could bring my dad's telescope, and a picnic, and-"
Suddenly, he couldn't take it anymore. The dam burst, and all his frustration, rage, sadness and everything else flooded out,
"And then what!?" he snarled, quickly standing to turn and face her, throwing the pillows away as he did, "What?! Talk about adventures we used to have and never will again? Look at stars that will never be more than distant points of light?! Torment myself with how trapped I am?!" he viscously kicked over a side table.
Shocked, Rose scrambled out of her chair and stood behind it, the ice cream falling to the floor. If there was one thing that had been burned into her instinct from her past travels, it was to find cover if attacked. She just never imagined an attack could come from him...
"I can't TAKE it anymore!" he roared, stomping about the room, kicking over any furniture that got in his way, "Don't you see?! Are you blind? Oh, I know you're not! You're smarter than that so what is it? Haven't you noticed how miserable I am? Eh?" he paused to stare at her, awaiting a response, and when after a second she didn't, he shook his head and continued to rant, "I hate it here! I'm stuck! Cornered! I feel trapped! I'm the bloody rat in the maze, but this maze has no exit! A job? Seriously? Me?! A regular job? A normal house? Ha!"
He paused at the window to look up at the sky, "I'm used to having whole galaxy's at my fingertips! GALAXY'S! Whole systems and stars and time itself and everything! I'm used to everything! There was no place or time I couldn't go!"
Rose was honestly terrified; she had never seen this side of him. She had witnessed moments where his inner demons had begun to leak out, but he had always quickly shut them back in. Here and now, it was frightening. His eyes burned with a fury and pain she had seen only briefly before, but they weren't his eyes, and they certinely hadn't been aimed at her. Still, she gathered her strength and attempted to redirect him with saying, "What...what about the Tardis piece you were given..? I know it takes a millenia or something for it to grow but didn't you say you found a way to-"
"I lost it," he snapped bitterly, "True, I found an equation that if applied at precisely the right time to the coral's stability matrix controls, and fed it some powdered silica and oddly enough, apple juice, it would speed up it's maturity process exponentially from centuries to roughly a decade. But then I lost the damned paper and can't remember it!" he shoved a chair over, "And now I'm trapped!"
He swept a whole mess of books and papers from a table onto the floor in a new burst of rage, and flung the globe sitting next to them half way across the room, "One planet?! ONE?! I can't do that! I'm aTime Lord dammit! All the universe is mine to explore! It's my birthright! I'm...I'm...the...Do.."
John Smith sank to his knees, burying his face in his hands, suddenly spent as he realized what he had been about to say.
"No I'm not, not really, but...I'm...I'm not...I don't think I belong here." he managed to choke out.
Rose's knees were so weak she had to hold on to the chair to stay standing. She was crying quietly. She wanted to run to him, to hold him, to try and comfort him, though considering the rampage he had just went about, she was still afraid to even approach him. She couldn't help feeling scared and wounded. He had bascially just said that he didn't want to be here with her, after everything they had been through and everything she had done to try and reach him. Still, love was never easy, and loving this man was far more complicated. Her mind raced, trying to figure out a viable solution.
After a few terribly long minutes of silence, save John's quiet sobs, Rose made a decision and said softly,
"...Then go."
It was raining. Again. It was always raining. At least it seemed that way to him.
John (the name he had chosen to go with. ("For now", he had said, "it's not everyday one gets to pick his own name!") sat in the window seat of the library room, chin in his hand, staring blankly at the rain running down the glass pane. All four (well five, inlcluding Rose's little brother) lived in her father's mansion for now, though Rose had been trying to aquire her own flat. No one else was home; Rose's parents were staying at a friend's for the day and wouldn't be back until tomorrow, and she was at work. He should have been too, but he had called out that day. He had been calling out more often lately. He was bored. Terribly, frustratingly, excrutiatingly bored. Ever since that day, the day of his creation, of Davros's downfall, of the parting of the ways, his new life...he had been trying. It had been only six months, but sometimes it felt infinitely longer. Because of who he was, he had been given a position at this dimension's Torchwood, as well as a scientific advisor for UNIT. But... There were no more adventures. He couldn't simply come and go as he pleased. He had one planet now, not scores. Some deep, long-surpressed fibre of his soul was overjoyed at this; a home! A home again at last! Not the same, but a home none the less! A house, not a Tardis, but an actual house, with walls and floors and cupboards and closets and stuff in it...all with finite dimensions.
And at this moment, he hated it.
Suddenly he heard the front door slam. He had almsot forgotten he was alone . "-anyone here for meeee?" a voice sang loudly and merrily, "I bought two tickets for paradise, so won't you come along and we'll see..." John sat up slightly. Rose. Dear, sweet Rose. He loved her with all his heart and soul, but he found even that was becoming a weak anchor for his wanderlust. He knew he had to talk to her about the whole matter at some point, he just wasn't sure when or how to begin. Suddenly, she strode into the room, carrying a small pint of ice cream and a spoon. Upon seeing him, she started and nearly dropped them,
"Oh! For heaven's sake...you nearly scared me half to death! I didn't realize you were home. Did you hear me a minute ago? ..Were you sleeping? Sorry!" she set the food on a small table, "Do you want some too? I'll grab another spoon."
Before he could open his mouth to decline, she had bounded back to the kitchen. She paused and leaned against the counter, hugging herself. She had seen his eyes when he turned to look at her. They were so terribly sad and hopeless, with an undercurrent of anger. He was still in the rumpled t-shirt and pajama pants he had been in since yesterday afternoon, and had obviously not shaved in a couple days. His utter lack of care about his appearance worried her as much as his mood. She too had sensed his frustrations as of late, but like him, had no clue where to start. Taking a breath to steady herself, she plucked another spoon from the untensil drawer and walked back to the library.
Not quite sure what to say, she tried "So...no work today, huh?"
"Apparently not. Didn't need me today..." he replied cooly, rolling his eyes and turning back to look out the window. He leaned back against the wall, putting a pillow behind him, and crossed his arms.
"Yeah, they let me and some of the other newer staff go about ten...slow day, nothing real exciting going on, so they didn't need us. Still get paid for a full day, so that 's good." said Rose, sitting herself on her favorite plush chair and grabbing her ice cream.
When he didn't respond after a minute, she proferred the ice cream, "Hmm?" she said, "It's really good. Banana cream pie...?" and wiggled it to get his attention.
He glanced at her, shook his head, and turned away again.
Her heart sank. There were days he was distant and melancholy, and they were getting more frequent, but today there was something different. Not only was he acting depressed, she now sensed he was being downright cold and indifferent, even a tad sarcastic.
She asked,"Okay...um, want to go catch a movie? There's a really good sounding action flick out now...it's about-"
"No thanks."
"Grab some food? Chips? I know how much you, we, love them."
"No."
"Go shopping? You did mention last week that you were considering some new jeans, and a jacket."
"No." at this his annoyance was beginning to leak into his voice.
"Erm...what do you want to do?"
He didn't answer. He also felt his mask cracking, his calm disposition start to weaken. One thing about this human self he had quickly learned was that emotions were more difficult to conceal and control. That in of itself he found irritating, which only made it worse.
Rose bit her lip, "If it stops raining soon enough, want to...go to our hill and star-gaze?"
John clenched his fists, but she didn't see it, instead trying once more to elicit a proper response from him, "We could bring my dad's telescope, and a picnic, and-"
Suddenly, he couldn't take it anymore. The dam burst, and all his frustration, rage, sadness and everything else flooded out,
"And then what!?" he snarled, quickly standing to turn and face her, throwing the pillows away as he did, "What?! Talk about adventures we used to have and never will again? Look at stars that will never be more than distant points of light?! Torment myself with how trapped I am?!" he viscously kicked over a side table.
Shocked, Rose scrambled out of her chair and stood behind it, the ice cream falling to the floor. If there was one thing that had been burned into her instinct from her past travels, it was to find cover if attacked. She just never imagined an attack could come from him...
"I can't TAKE it anymore!" he roared, stomping about the room, kicking over any furniture that got in his way, "Don't you see?! Are you blind? Oh, I know you're not! You're smarter than that so what is it? Haven't you noticed how miserable I am? Eh?" he paused to stare at her, awaiting a response, and when after a second she didn't, he shook his head and continued to rant, "I hate it here! I'm stuck! Cornered! I feel trapped! I'm the bloody rat in the maze, but this maze has no exit! A job? Seriously? Me?! A regular job? A normal house? Ha!"
He paused at the window to look up at the sky, "I'm used to having whole galaxy's at my fingertips! GALAXY'S! Whole systems and stars and time itself and everything! I'm used to everything! There was no place or time I couldn't go!"
Rose was honestly terrified; she had never seen this side of him. She had witnessed moments where his inner demons had begun to leak out, but he had always quickly shut them back in. Here and now, it was frightening. His eyes burned with a fury and pain she had seen only briefly before, but they weren't his eyes, and they certinely hadn't been aimed at her. Still, she gathered her strength and attempted to redirect him with saying, "What...what about the Tardis piece you were given..? I know it takes a millenia or something for it to grow but didn't you say you found a way to-"
"I lost it," he snapped bitterly, "True, I found an equation that if applied at precisely the right time to the coral's stability matrix controls, and fed it some powdered silica and oddly enough, apple juice, it would speed up it's maturity process exponentially from centuries to roughly a decade. But then I lost the damned paper and can't remember it!" he shoved a chair over, "And now I'm trapped!"
He swept a whole mess of books and papers from a table onto the floor in a new burst of rage, and flung the globe sitting next to them half way across the room, "One planet?! ONE?! I can't do that! I'm aTime Lord dammit! All the universe is mine to explore! It's my birthright! I'm...I'm...the...Do.."
John Smith sank to his knees, burying his face in his hands, suddenly spent as he realized what he had been about to say.
"No I'm not, not really, but...I'm...I'm not...I don't think I belong here." he managed to choke out.
Rose's knees were so weak she had to hold on to the chair to stay standing. She was crying quietly. She wanted to run to him, to hold him, to try and comfort him, though considering the rampage he had just went about, she was still afraid to even approach him. She couldn't help feeling scared and wounded. He had bascially just said that he didn't want to be here with her, after everything they had been through and everything she had done to try and reach him. Still, love was never easy, and loving this man was far more complicated. Her mind raced, trying to figure out a viable solution.
After a few terribly long minutes of silence, save John's quiet sobs, Rose made a decision and said softly,
"...Then go."