A/N: This story came up after looking at a drawing that made Snape look like a Grandma. Not a Grandpa. A GRANDMA. And so, Vulpi (DarkBlade Weilder) and I, came up with the plot. And I wrote it. It was rather funny, and it's not angsty!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Besides a co-ownership with Vulpi over the plot, and I fully own Lemony Lime Man.
The Tale of Grandma Snape
and Little Red Riding Hood
(Oh how twisted)
Little Red Riding Hood was a very pretty young girl. And on this day, she was carrying butterbeer to her grandmother, who was dreadfully sick with a serious case of aging. What a pity if she died. Not really. Red would inherit loads of money and become RICH. MWHAHAHAHA. Ahem. Not that she cared or anything. She could get rich on her own. She was devilishly smart. Because you know who Red Riding Hood was, do you! She was Hermione Granger, bitch. Resident Gryffindor know-it-all of Hogwarts. Hooshah!
She trotted down the path merrily, slightly delaying her walk. She wanted that money, damnit! As she skipped along, she could have sworn she saw a fleeting black shadow with gray hair. She shrugged. It was just her money-clouded mind playing tricks on her. As she rounded the corner, she saw pretty pink flowers and picked them. Maybe her stupid, old, grandmother would be allergic and die because of them. As she continued to skip along jovially, she finally saw her grandmother's house.
She trotted up to the door and knocked on it, looking very much like a sardonic, brain storming, evil, money obsessed, child. Which currently, she was.
"Come in, dearie." called a rather deep voice. Hermione shrugged. Her grandmother must be suffeirng a cough too. She opened the door and walked in to find...
GRANDMA SNAPE! NO! THE UTTER HORROR!
He was like a wrinkly old prune. Only, not two wrinkly. He was just old. And his hair was...gray. Had he suddenly aged over the time they'd been out of school! It was freaking her out. She gaped at him then tossed the flowers in his face. He caught them in his mouth and stood up.
"I killed your grandmother. But, I gave her corpse to Lucius. He was stalking me like a hunger deprived dog. Which he is. But, still. He took her body and I think he ate her in a dench somewhere. Want to have sex?" He informed her of all of this rather plainly, and he asked The Question as if it was no big deal. Hermione's eyes widened and she nodded.
"Okie. Let's do it." And so they did the nasty right there on Hermione's grandmother's bed. As they sat beside each other afterward, they said nothing. Hermione was impressed with 'Grandma' Snape's obvious sexual powers. And Snape was well...uninterested in anything.
Suddenly, as if a whirlwind had hit the door, a super hero clad in green tights and a bright yellow leotard that read Lemony Lime Man! in the center of it bursted into the house, carrying an axe.
"No! Not Lemony Lime Man!" Snape gasped, and Hermione sat on the bed, staring at them both rather dumbfounded. Lemony Lime Man, obiously a part time super hero and part time woodsman, glared at Snape befpre speaking.
"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! Now! DIE!" he yelled, the cut Snape through the stomach with his axe. Hermione watched this bloodshed and shrugged. Lemony Lime Man walked over to her and scooped her into his arms, carrying her out of the house and into the sunset. Hermioen didn't mind. After all, she got the money, a man, and she screwed Severus Snape. What else could anyone want?
-The End-
A/N: R&R would be kinda cool. Yanno. XD Was it amusing? Huh? HUH! XD being overbearing Hope you guys liked it's stupid randomness.