The Tell-Tale Heart

I know it's masochistic but I just can't help myself. I think sometimes that my love life or my significant lack thereof as always been like one of those accidents on the freeway. I just can't look away from its tattered remains no matter how hard I try. The paper is sitting on my steamer trunk, huge headline and unflattering picture of me standing out as boldly as if they were a neon sign. I hate that this happened. Hate that I didn't know and Chloe did. Hate that I chased Lana away just by being me and now she's about to marry him. Hate that stupid quote blown up to thirty point font.

She says she wouldn't hesitate if I had asked, and that's a lie. I know it's not her fault that it's a lie, but the statement still stings. Lana doesn't know we were engaged, never will, but I remember. All of it. I remember taking her to the Fortress and watching her face go from awed to totally confused. She hesitated. It was only a few hours but it gave me more than enough time to imagine the worst case scenario of her rejection. Lex had had weeks to worry about it.

I almost felt sorry for him. I'd been there first, and waiting for Lana's verdict was not a fun experience.

I sigh and shake my head, still staring down at the paper. It figures that this would be the week that my mom would have an immigration summit in Washington. Everything's coming so fast and furious at me and even I can hardly find the time to take a breath. There's that weird kiss with Lois that Chloe just won't let me forget and my so-called best friend shouldn't have that much fun razzing me. That girl has a mean streak, I'm sure of it. Then there's that weird fight with Chloe. She's been distant with me lately and I thought it was just Jimmy Olsen (who, for the record, I'm about as fond of as I am of Lex Luthor), but I've been letting her down, taking advantage of her. That was never the type of friend I wanted to be.

Now there's everything with Lana. I never saw this coming. I mean, yeah, she and Lex have been dating since May and they'd probably been sleeping together since she moved into the mansion, but I never thought marriage would be a possibility. It's just such a far-off grown-up concept. A lot like having a baby, actually.

I can hear her car pulling up on the gravel, and I listen as she makes her way across the lawn and into the barn. My hearing's excellent, of course, but I can't detect all the nuances of certain noises. A car engine is a car engine is a car engine, you know? Okay, so one of Lex's high performance cars stands out on farm, but everyone else around here, Lana included, drives a truck and they all sound pretty much alike. I can still tell it's her though because when I perk up my ears I can hear two heartbeats.

We haven't seen each other since last December when we had the not-quite-fight in the barn. I should have picked up on it then and I'm not sure how I missed it. I don't know much about how babies develop, not outside of long forgotten AP Biology classes, so maybe the heart wasn't pumping then. Or it could just be me. Sounds get overwhelming if I don't block them out. I mean, if listened at full capacity, I'd be able to hear the heartbeat of every animal on the farm.

I've sort of been expecting her to show up since I got turned away at the mansion and even now with Chloe and Lex both assuring me (or in Lex's case gloating) that it was true, I still have a hard time believing she's pregnant. But I can hear it now for myself and it's very real.

She comes up the stairs and hasn't even reached my loft level before she starts talking. "Sorry that you had to find out like this."

I'm sorry too. I don't think there would have been any way she could have said it that would have made the fact that she was engaged to Lex not hurt, but having it splashed across Metropolis's version of Page 6 was definitely an exquisite form of torture. At least she wasn't wearing his ring yet.

Knowing that yet another tense conversation is coming, I sweep around the side of the trunk and stand to face her. "It's okay. You don't have to tell me every little detail of your life anymore."

I'm trying to give her a comfortable out for all of this. To let her know I'm not holding a grudge, and I'm not at least with her. I am harboring fantasies of things I could do to Lex, but since I'm not actually a torturing kind of guy, I don't think those will get acted out any time soon. Maybe if I stopped short of bodily harm and just keyed a few of his cars it would make me feel better.

Yeah, a scratched Porsche would really make us even.

Anyway, I'm trying to be a gentleman about this so Lana can leave and I can go back to my moping in piece.

But Lana ignores my gracious defeat and continues on as smoothly as she ascends the stairs. "Clark, we both know that a proposal is more than a little detail, and, as messed up as it is, you were the first person that I wanted to tell."

I have no idea how to answer that. My first instinct is to blur over to The Talon and ask Chloe if she's sure Lana's just pregnant and not also suffering from a head injury. Look, I may not be an expert when it comes to dating, but, oddly enough, I have been married once, and my first instinct after the nuptials wasn't to run back from Vegas and tell Lana what I'd done. There was just an etiquette about this sort of thing and trust me, the ex-boyfriend really doesn't need to know how happy his former girlfriend is with her new fiancé.

I pull myself together enough to answer but it's a bitter response. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

She tilts her head a little at me. "Clark, you said that you didn't love me anymore, and I tried to cut everything off, but I'm not made that way. Even if we're not talking, you are still a part of my life and I'm not trying to deny it anymore. I am trying to put it in perspective."

Honestly, I haven't felt like a part of her life in a long time, and the sad part about that is not that I'm measuring the time by how long it's been since we've kissed. No, I'm marking it by the last time I saved her from a meteor mutant or a Phantom Zone escapee. I think that might be a sad statement about our relationship, since it seemed to thrive best when she needed to be saved. I mean, Chloe has needed almost as many rescues as Lana from the various Kryptonite-infected, but we've always been more partners than Lana and I have been. I save Lana. That's how it works, except in the last few months she hasn't wanted my help.

In fact, when I've come by the mansion she's either ordered me out or pushed me away. Maybe my perspective is shifting, but it really doesn't feel like she's even wanted me in her life since we broke up. Besides, perspective has totally shifted in the last twenty-four hours. She's pregnant after all and Lois thinks she has a crush on the "Green Arrow" and Chloe's just this side of ragingly jealous/highly amused.

My life is a total mess. It's sort of amazing how badly I can screw things up when I barely even leave the farm.

Taking a breath, I reply, "I guess we both need to do that."

"Chloe said that you came by to talk to me." Lana steps in closer to me as if proximity will make me see her point more clearly. "What was it about? Whatever secret Chloe is helping you to protect, Clark, please…"

Her voice breaks and I know what she wants. She wants what she's always wanted at least since sophomore year. She wants to know the truth. Idly, I make note of the fact that she knows that Chloe knows. Poor Chlo's been put through the ringer this week first with me complaining, and I'm sure Lana's confronted her about the "secrets and lies" as well. It'll probably kill their friendship now that Lana knows she's my coconspirator. I really need to buy Chloe a puppy or something to make up for all of this I've gotten her mixed up in.

Lana continues, and I can see tears welling up in her eyes. She's so desperate. "…Just once…just trust me."

And there's the point of this whole stupid soap opera we've got going on. I want to tell, really I do, but I know I can't. Everyone who's ever known my secret has suffered for it. Every random scientist, cop, or reporter who's figured it out has died, sometimes at the hands of my friends. Pete was tortured twice for it. My dad ruined his heart for my sake no matter how many times my mom tries to convince me it's not true. I'm not stupid. Chloe and my mom have just been incredibly lucky so far not to fall victim to my path of bad luck. One day something will happen to them and it'll be my fault. It's how things are.

And I've already lost Lana once, pulled her broken bloodied body from the wreckage. I won't go through that again. So I won't tell her, no matter how pitiful she sounds. Besides, she's in bed with Lex, quite literally now, and I could never take that kind of risk. If she ever slipped up and he found out…

Better not to even think about it.

"It doesn't matter now." I turn away when I say it. It's too painful to look in her eyes and think of all the could-have-beens

Her arm is on my shoulder now, soft and gentle, and I almost allow myself to slip, to remember happier times with her up in this very loft. "Clark don't do that."

I look down into her eyes and I can feel myself falling into that pattern again. I know why she's here. She wants to come back to me, or at least she thinks she does. To be honest, it seems like she's been a bit schizophrenic lately.

But I'm the one who shut the door on this. And no matter what she thinks she wants, none of our issues have changed. I'm still me and she's still her; I'm still a freak and she's not. Then again, her hand on my shoulder feels so right and her eyes are as deep and soulful as ever. I might not be thinking clearly when I gaze down at her, but I'm starting to fantasize what it could be like if she took me back.

Maybe it could be nice.

I swallow hard and I'm about to answer when my hearing flares up again and I hear it---the baby's heartbeat---steady and strong. I'm almost awed by it, how it speeds along like a hummingbird's. I haven't heard anything quite like it since mom.

And no. I know I can't do this no matter how tempted I am. It wouldn't be right and there's not just us to think about---this frustrating rollercoaster we're always on---but there's a baby now. One that deserves a chance for a full family with his or her father.

When I answer, I'm still facing her in profile, making as little eye contact as possible. "I know about the baby. Lex told me. Everything's changed."

But she just won't let it go. "Even the fact that you told me that you look back at the past and regret it every day? Has that changed too?"

And if only she knew the regrets that I have. Mom's right about a lot of things (I think that's one of her superpowers, actually). If Jor-El had given me the chance to choose between dad and Lana, I could never have done it. I loved them both. I think sometimes that it must make me a bad son, since the choice should be obvious, shouldn't it? But I just can't choose, and no matter how much I screamed at the Fortress, I couldn't go back and change things. My greatest regret is not that I saved Lana's life, but that I had to make the trade at all. That despite all my gifts, I let my father die.

Yes, Lana, I have more regrets than you'll ever know.

It's quiet for a few seconds and I can tell she's waiting for me to answer, to jump at the chance to take her back just like I did when she was dating Jason. That's probably not one of my prouder moments, either, even if Jason did turn out to be a psychopath that nearly killed my parents.

I'm struggling for an answer, knowing that I'll never be able to give her the one she wants to hear and still the steady beat of the baby's heart fills the room. It's almost overwhelming.

Finally tired of my hesitation, Lana adds. "I guess that I can't ask you to see me the same way." She turns and starts making her way down the stairs and when her back is toward me, I squint at her, focusing my X-ray vision.

It doesn't always work the way it's supposed, most of the time I see in actual X-rays, bones and all. Soft tissue is still harder for me to see through and I haven't consciously tried to do it since this particular "gift" first came on-line. I'm still kind of freaked out by the Gray's Anatomy (the book not the show) of Pete's face I got in gym class. Muscle fibers are not a good look for anyone.

But I focus my eyes and little by little I see the layers of Lana's body peal away (and yes it's still as creepy as it sounds). The baby is actually bigger than I thought he or she would be. I can't see all of the baby's body so I can't tell the sex yet.

I don't want to just assume it's a boy because that's kind of sexist and my mom has trained me better than that. While it's sort of hard to think of the baby as either a he or a she at the same time, I really hate the word "it," and don't want to think that way either. No one gets referred to as an "it" on my watch.

Anyway, the baby's bigger than I thought. Like I said, I really don't know much about development, but Lana's been acting funny since at least Thanksgiving, so I figure she's been pregnant for at least two months. Odds are she was pregnant for a while before she even knew it so I'm guessing the baby might be about twelve weeks old. I watch the child for a while. Lana's baby is kind of cute, with eyes still open and little hands making fists.

Seeing him or her hurts a lot more than I thought it would.

And it's not just because the baby is Lex's. I mean that part sucks, don't get me wrong. The fact that he got to be the father of her baby and I didn't feels like pouring Kryptonite dust in an open wound, but it's not just that. When I was sitting at Lex's engagement dinner to Helen what seems like a lifetime ago, I could see how happy he was. For a little while, I imagined what he'd be like as a father, how happy he'd be then. And I figured then that if I were his best man, I'd probably also get to be the godfather of his children too. Now I really don't think Lex will let me within a hundred yards of his kid.

It's depressing how friendships fade away.

The baby shifts a little, curling even further into a ball and it might be the cutest thing I've ever seen. Boy that hurts too. I'd always wanted to be the one for Lana and standing there, staring down at her child, I desperately wished I was the father. But that's not how it works. Sometimes I think that my life is some kind of cosmic joke or something. I mean, not to brag or anything, but I'm probably the strongest guy on the planet and I can't…it's just…

Well I'm probably not going to be a father ever.

So no, I can't see Lana the same way, not with her baby's heartbeat hammering in my ears and the little tyke staring right at me. But I can't just let her walk out of the barn thinking that I don't care because I do.

I call out her name, "Lana." She turns and I focus my vision back so I can see her face one last time. She looks like she might cry some more. "I hope Lex makes you very happy."

I try to make it sincere, but I can hear the slight hint of bitterness in my voice. I don't want her to be happy with Lex but I do want her to be happy. It's what I've always wanted for her and, as I realized last year, clearly being with me made her miserable.

Moreover, I want the baby to be happy. There's something unsettling about the way Lana came here, as if the last year never happened, as if the life growing inside her doesn't matter. Maybe it's different for her. She just gets the morning sickness, but I can see the baby, hear the heartbeat. He/she's real and alive and deserves a home with both biological parents around.

Lana of all people should understand that she needs to give Lex a chance if only because she owes her child to grow up with his/her father also.

Being abandoned, even if there is a reason, sucks.

Lana nods a little and turns back down the stairs, her shoulders slumped. She looks anything but happy, and I can't shake the feeling that I'm watching a re-enactment of Lionel and Lillian's marriage. This time around, though, I'm really afraid that it's not the man who will be cheating. I feel just a little sorry for Lex, even he doesn't deserve that.

After she's gone, I turn back and sit down on the couch, perking my ears up and listening to the paired rhythm of their heartbeats. It's the tell-tale sign that everything has changed, keeps changing, and will continue moving forward with or without me.