A CURSE AND A DREAM
Out flew the web and floated wide
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.
Alfred Tennyson, The lady of Shalott
A lightning bolt had passed across the sky, but I didn't look up. My hands were cold from the rain, because I hadn't bothered to take my gloves on.
I actually didn't care if I died tonight. I deserved to die.
I didn't dare to close my eyes because I knew that I would see if I closed them.
Tessa. Tessa's horrifying face, when I broke her heart.
I didn't know that nobody told Tessa about warlocks not being able to have children. I thought that Charlotte or one of the silent brothers…
It was one of those excuses that my mind came up with to try justify what I said about warlocks to Tessa.
My inner demons smirked at the weapon I had used against her, which turned out to be more powerful than I expected, and my self-hate grew stronger than before.
She hated me now. And I didn't blame her. That had been the purpose of my cruelty. To make her hate me, to protect her from myself, from my curse.
Since that day in the Sanctuary I had been in panic. It would have been only a matter of time before the curse hit Tessa. I knew it wouldn't be enough to just say that I wasn't interesting, to push Tessa away, really away, I had to be really cruel, something that make her despise me more than anything in the world.
But when she turned from me and walked away, it had felt like I was dying inside leaving the rest of me empty as an undead body.
I heard my father's voice in my head.
I was born to be a warrior of Raziel's blood, but I also knew that your mother was the one person, I was born for. I chose your mother and I have never regretted it.
I stopped with my head looking on my boots.
If I wasn't cursed, then maybe right now we could sit together in the library at the Institute, kissing, reading quotes to each other, talking happily, and planning our future.
There is no future for a shadowhunter, who dallies with warlocks.
The reminder of my own words was almost a blow into my stomach and I shake my body with guilt and horror.
Right now I didn't feel like the heartless man from the roof. Right now I felt like the twelve-year old boy who had left Wales after he had lost everything.
You and I are alike, Tess. We both lost the life we had known and can never have it back.
I began walking again. The rain became stronger than before. But it shouldn't be long before…
I found it as I turned around the corner. Camille's house.
It was a mansion of that, where you could see that, there lives somebody who was rich. The windows were all blocked to keep the sunlight out as typical for all vampires.
But it wasn't Camille, who I was going to see, but Magnus Bane.
I had found out from Charlotte's notes, that Magnus were for the moment living in Camille's house. It was easy for me to leave the Institute, since everybody thought I was drinking and all other things. If anybody could help me, it would be him.
I stopped at the front door and considered what I was going to do. This mission mean that I would be forced to open op the box of horrible memories that I had been trying to keep lock up forever.
Roots of the past would be ripped up in sun light.
Did I have the strength to do it?
I saw for me Tessa standing in front of me, when she came with holy water to me. The way that she had looked like an angel.
I knew that I had to do it.
Camille's human subjugate – whose name I had forgotten – answered the door when I knocked.
"I want to see Magnus Bane," I said at once. "It's urgent," I added.
Ancher – I remembered the name now – raised his eyebrow at me, but open door up, so I could come in.
"Do you want me to dry your clothing, sir?" he asked as he led me to a parlor, where there was fire in the fireplace.
"No, thank you," I answered and walked over to fire so I could get some warm after that wet walk. My clothes were really wet, but I didn't a vampire's servant to dry them for me.
"Very well," Ancher said. "Wait here, I will see if Mister Bane wants to see you." And then he left the room.
What if Magnus wouldn't help me? What was I thinking? He would help if I could pay his price. There was some money that I had set aside to get my own place when I became eighteen, but sometimes I had to take from it to pay for Jem's drugs without him knowing the real price. There was still some left. I might to take from it again, if Magnus' price were too high.
I looked at the fire and was thinking back to that time where Tessa had talked to me about what her and her brother should do when the case had ended. She had said that she wanted to go back to New York. She had wanted to return to her old life. If she could maybe it would have be better for her. That way I would have only become a memory of her first kiss. A man she had met and kissed and probably never cross her ways with again.
But no, there nothing in New York left for her now. She had no family who could take her in and protect her from Mortmain. She had only us and the institute left.
It was impossible to avoid her now.
But I also knew something else.
Tessa was more than just a downworlder or a friend. She was something… something that couldn't leave my thoughts, something that I couldn't shake off me.
When I closed my eyes, I would see her face. Her eyes with the grey colour of the clouds from Wales. My body longed after holding her, kissing her and making her smile.
But that was all a dream. A dream that I couldn't forget. For the first time in five years, there was something I wanted, that I didn't want to have to give up.
I heard the door behind open and I turned around to see Magnus standing in front of me.
"William," Magnus said. He sounded surprised. "What on earth are you doing here? Has something happened at the Institute?"
"No," I said, feeling my body stiff as it was trying to stop from I was doing. "I'm here on my own account. I need your help. There is—there is absolutely no one else that I can ask."
My first steps on my journey to my dark past.
The one thing I had to do to get room for my first dream.
I was going to get rid of the curse.
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