1. Spirits

I woke up, trying to stretch out the stiff ache that seemed to touch every part of my body when the tidal wave of nausea hit. I bolted for the bathroom, one hand clamped tightly around my mouth, hoping that I would make it in time. I prayed that Charlie was still asleep as I wretched over the toilet bowl, choking spasms rushing from my stomach to my throat, tears streaming down my face as I tried to force up the now all too familiar burn of last nights vodka. I tried to remember what had happened, what I had done, but it was all an alcohol fuelled blur. I remember Charlie being called out to a major accident on the freeway, me seizing my chance and running from the house only moments after he'd left. I had carried my secret prize in my left hand and jumped into my truck. Roaring the engine to life I had drove up the secluded roads to his house, opened my bottle and drank. I don't even know how I got home.

The bathroom door slammed open then, hitting the side of the shower cubicle in a loud ricochet. I couldn't bear to turn, to see that look on Charlie's face as he took in the sight of his once again hung over teenage daughter. I heard him mutter under his breath, I was sure I didn't want to know what he'd said and stomp down the stairs. He came back a few moments later with a glass of water and placed it by my side.

"Get yourself cleaned up" was all he said before he left, too early, to go work.

****

"Bella" Renee's voice came hard over the other end of the telephone. "Are you even listening to a word I'm saying to you?" It felt like me and my Mom had had this same conversation a million times. I don't know why she was still even bothering. Nothing made any difference. Nothing could take away the tearing, searing agony that ripped through my chest every second of every day. Sure, the alcohol numbed it but only for a time. I sighed deeply in response.

"Yes, Mom, I get it." She was threatening, again, to come and get me. To take me to Florida to live with her. Once upon a time this had garnered some sort of reaction from me and her, Charlie and my step dad Phil were all counting on it making some sort of difference, but it had soon stopped working. The only thing that would work is if they could somehow bring him back. I stopped there. I couldn't think of him now. I couldn't risk the pain.

"I'm sorry honey, but this has gone too far and it has to stop now. I'm putting my foot down this time, the plane tickets are already booked, we'll be there to pick you up tomorrow. You need help, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand back and not do a thing as my daughter slowly destroys herself for nothing." I stopped breathing. No. They couldn't do this. Forks was the one place on Earth I could be close to him. If they took me away, I would loose him forever.

"Well, your just going to have to un-book them because I'm not going anywhere with you, I'm not leaving Forks." My voice was tight, sharp. How had I got myself in this situation? How had it come to be that I would risk loosing my family for somebody that didn't love me? That had stopped loving me long ago.

"Bel…" I didn't even bother listening to what my Mom was going to say, just slammed down the phone in a rage that caused my body to shake. I ran up the stairs and into my bedroom. I pulled my bag from the top of the wardrobe and began shoving clothes into it, not even looking at what I was packing, the tears blinding me. I dug around in my drawer, pulling the stash of money out that was once meant to have been my college fund, found my passport and an unopened bottle of vodka and dashed from the house. I didn't know where I was going. I did, however, know what I was looking for. Edward Cullen. My life, soul and reason. The vampire, who, so many months ago left me broken. My parents couldn't take me out of Forks, but I could take myself. I would travel the world three times over if it meant I could end up back in his cold, hard arms. I remembered the feel of his icy breath against my lips and stopped short. Slamming the accelerator of my truck to the floor, I swerved off Charlie's drive way, pushing the ancient vehicle to its speed limit as quickly as I could manage. I didn't look back. It would only be a matter of hours before Charlie came home from the station and realised I was gone. I knew the only chance I had of him not finding me was to put as many miles between us as was possible in the short space of time I had. My hands shook with an emotion I didn't recognise. It couldn't be relief, although I was sure it came close. The feeling of actually doing something to remedy the way I had been feeling these long, lonely months was short of euphoric. My mind was whirling, a thousand different thoughts coming together at once. My 'college fund' was just short of three thousand dollars. Having a job, no social life and a desire to buy nothing but the cheapest, strongest bottle of spirits I could find had to some degree paid off in the end. The only thing I was sure of was that I would start at the airport in Seattle. I would catch the next flight that I could, wherever it was that would take me. I had no real idea how I was going to find Edward, or any of the Cullen's for that matter. I thought I would come across as just a little insane if I approached strangers in the street. "Have you seen this vampire" I said grimly to myself. I giggled, feeling on the verge of hysteria. Maybe if he hadn't taken the photos of him from my last birthday this could have been my starting point. Passed him off as a missing family member, somebody I was desperate to be reunited with. The latter part of course was true. But I knew I had to do this quietly and draw no attention to myself. I couldn't risk being found. And I was quite sure that to find somebody in hiding, I would first have to hide myself. The thought of dark back alleys began to fill my mind. Sleeping rough. Drug dealers, mafia bosses and murderers. Of course, I would never find him in a place like that but they were the places that I would now have to unwillingly submerge myself. I took one long, deep breath, steadying myself as I began the journey to find my destiny.