Get Smart, Again. Episode 2. The Body
*Numbers in parenthesis are references.
*Not Connected to the 1995 Series. (I only used Zach's name from the series.)
99 pushed her two youngest children through the door as they arrived home from school. She was feeling jealous that Max was at the old/new Control headquarters. Both Max and 99 had been reactivated, but between waiting on her book to be published and taking care of the children, she had little time. Max, with Larabee and Hymie, was reinstating the old Control, mostly moving out all of the plants Larabee had collected while manning the fort for twenty years. Soon it would be up and running as it had in the good old days, and from there USIA would be appointing a new Control Chief. Max had absolutely no doubt who would be the new Chief, which is why he personally saw to decorating the new Chief's office.
99 was bent over the desk, examining the mail, when Adam crept behind her and ran his fingers across her back, giving her a fright. Adam stepped back quickly, startled by 99's gasp, unexpectedly.
"Adam," 99 said, catching her breath. "Don't ever do that." She rolled her eyes at the thought of sounding like Max, which was even more frightening.
Just then Max walked through the door, rather jauntily. He smiled at Adam, who was nearly as tall as his father, even at the age of twelve,"Son."
99 threw her arms around Max, "Hello, Love. How was your day?"
Adam, embarrassed by his parents, left the room in a hurry.
Max straightened his tie in a pompous way, "The office is coming along nicely. I'm just waiting for them to announce my name as new Chief of Control."
"I hope so… Maxwell Smart, Chief of Control. That has a nice ring to it." And she kissed him and released him.
"Let's go out tonight to celebrate," Max declared, sitting on the sofa.
99 fell in place, beside Max on the couch, "Alright. Where to?"
Before Max could get another word in, Amanda came bursting in. Her energy in the room alone made Max and 99 tired. And she had no normal way of doing anything. Instead of sitting in a chair, she threw her body into a chair in a way that would have pleased Greta Garbo, and then languorously draped her limbs over the edge.
"Don't plunk, dear," 99 sighed.
"Dad, so where are you taking us? Don't deny it, I overheard you talking to mom about it," Amanda asked.
"You," Max began. "Nowhere. Your mother, somewhere."
"But, Dad. Here I am giving you the best years of my life—"
"We've got to get rid of them, 99."
99 gave Max a chuckle and squeezed his hand, "Well, they were your idea, Max."
"Were they?" He seemed surprised.
"Surely, you didn't think to keep this figure I wanted to have four children," 99 retorted, jokingly.
"I'm right here," Amanda interjected standing before them now, though they ignored her.
"99," Max started, pointing to her. "As I recall, you…no, never mind. Maybe the twins were my idea and I guess, Adam, too. But you didn't protest. And that," He continued, now pointing his thumb to Amanda. "Was all you."
99 laughed as she grabbed Amanda to cradle her. Amanda did put up a fight, but 99 would force the love if she had to. "I'll call Mrs. Harris," 99 informed Max.
"Not her," Amanda whined from 99's grasp.
"Aren't they old enough to stay home alone? I mean we could save money that way," Max said thinking of his frugal wallet. "How old are you anyway?"
"I'm ten, Dad."
"Well, I'm doing good if I guess anywhere from six to twenty, at this point."
"Well, remember last time?" 99 asked with dread.
Amanda piped up, "The time I broke my arm or the time Adam broke his leg?"
"Call Mrs. Harris, 99," Max demanded.
The Smart family returned home around 10 p.m., after the children had talked their father into taking them to the movies instead of a romantic celebratory dinner with 99. Adam and Amanda were rather appalled that their father had fallen asleep in the movie, and razzed him the whole way home.
"Joan Blondell couldn't even save that picture," Max said, exhausted and wished his children were ready to go upstairs to bed, because he was.(1) And their ceaseless talk about hoverboards and hydrators made him secretly curse those futuristic films.(2)
99 led Adam and Amanda up the stairs, as Max went into the kitchen. At the top of the stairs, 99 heard a commotion and went to investigate. Of course it was no surprise that Max might be having trouble in the kitchen. There in the kitchen, 99 found Max standing over an unconscious KAOS agent.
"Max, are you alright?"
"Yeah. I took him out with one swift karate chop," he explained, impressed with himself.
"How did they find us here?" She asked genuinely concerned.
"I'm not sure 99, but there must be a leak."
Max and 99 then noticed that Adam and Amanda were standing there—mouths agape. Max lifted the agent's arms and turned to his children, "Well, don't just stand there. Help me. We'll take him to the basement."
With no questions asked they managed to drag the body to the basement, prop him on the sofa and tie him up.
"Max, are you sure we're safe here?" 99 asked.
"This house is pretty well booby trapped."
"Yes, I know, but you're the one always getting trapped."
"99, I can only deal with one body at a time."
Then Amanda spoke up, "Is that man dead?"
Max hissed, "No."
"Then are the police going to come?" Adam asked, concerned that his father may have killed someone and he, himself was now an accomplice.
"No."
"What I want to know is," 99 began. "How word spread so quickly about us being reactivated."
"I don't know, 99."
There was a long silence as Max and 99 tried to come up with some conclusion. Max's concentration was interrupted by 99, "The book company!"
"Not so loud 99, you don't want the whole world to know," Max said. (3)
"Sorry, Max," 99 spoke softly. "The book—"
Max covered 99's mouth before she could say anymore. With his beady eyes, Max surveyed the room, "The cone of silence."
"Oh, Max, do we have to?"
"Like, I always say, 'Life's a kumquat'." When he saw the expression on 99's face he continued, "Life isn't a kumquat?"(4)
With a deep sigh 99 obeyed Max and followed him to their bedroom. Once they were seated on their bed, Max lowered the cone of silence. (5)
"Here we are," Max said as the cone covered his and 99's head.
"Why would I want a cigar?"(6) 99 shouted back, looking puzzled and barely able to hear Max. She continued, "There could be a tie in between KAOS, the book company, you and me!"
Max shouted back, "You want me to tie you up at the company!"(7)
The two Smart children stood in the doorway, unsure of what they had just witnessed. Adam turned to his sister, "What if they're actually insane and we've been brainwashed into thinking they are normal."
"Well, I don't know," Amanda replied. "But I want to get a closer look."
Amanda hopped onto the bed with her parents to investigate the cone of silence. Max said to her, "Would you believe that we were top agents at Control?"
"Well, that's hard to believe," she answered.
"Would you believe we were best dressed agents?"
"Well…"
Then Adam joined the party. As 99 rolled her eyes, she noticed that Max's blazer, hanging on the closet door, was blinking.
"Max, your cuff link is blinking."
"Oh, yeah I got that at Control. You just have to talk into the lapel."
In Max's laziness, he decided to crawl across the bed to get to the blazer instead of walking around it. Just as he reached 99's side, it collapsed and they all toppled onto 99.
"Oh, Max," 99 whined from the bottom of the pile.
"Sorry about that," he said as he answered his blazer's lapel.
Helping 99 off the floor, he informed her, "That was Beamish, I'm wanted at USIA."
"What about the body in the basement?" She asked.
"What body? Oh, right. It's not a body, he's not dead yet!" Max was becoming defensive. "Okay, 99, you take the body—I mean the KAOS agent to Control and I'll go meet Beamish and we'll meet up later."
"What about the children?"
Max counted Adam and Amanda with his index finger, "All present and accounted for, 99."
"No, Max, I mean we can't leave them here. Not since KAOS has located us. The house isn't safe."
"Well, they'll be more manageable if we split them up. I'll take Adam and meet Beamish. You take Amanda and meet Larrabee and Hymie."
"Right, Max."
"Okay, I'll help get the agent into the car and then we can split up."
The Smart family crept to the basement to check on their body. Just as they were ascending the stairs into the concrete room, the KAOS agent was coming to. Max and 99 rushed over to question him, when from behind Adam hit him over the head with a nearby vase.
"Adam!" 99 shouted out of surprise.
"Sorry," Adam retorted.
99 began brushing ceramic fragments from the unconscious agent's shoulders, "I hope he isn't dead."
Max lifted the agent's torso, while Adam and Amanda each took a leg, and made their way up the basement stairs. 99 went to park her car in the garage. By the time they reached the hallway, Max dropped the body. "I'm not as young as I used to be," he said, resting against the wall.
99 rounded the corner to help Max when to their fright, heard the doorbell ring. And they all froze. 99 quickly grabbed the children, and held herself and them against the wall with Max, in hopes that no one could see them. The ringing subsided, but only to be followed by knocking.
"Who could that possibly be?" 99 whispered to Max.
Then came a voice through the door, "Is everything alright?"
"Mrs. Harris," 99 sighed.
"Mrs. Harris!" Amanda echoed.
"What are we going to do," 99 whined.
Mrs. Harris was now looking through the window, "Is everything alright? I just saw your lights on…"
Max began, "You distract her and I'll move the body through the kitchen and into the car."
"Right, Max."
99 waited until Max pulled the body through and into the kitchen, to open the door to Mrs. Harris. 99 braced herself as Mrs. Harris stood in the doorway, trying to peer over her, "Is anything the matter?"
99 thinking quickly, "Oh, it's just Amanda. She fell from her bed and we think she broke her arm."
"Do you need any help?"
Amanda appeared next to 99, holding her arm, "We need to hurry, mom."
"You poor thing," Mrs. Harris said.
"Goodbye, Mrs. Harris," 99 said trying to shut the door.
"Perhaps," Mrs. Harris began, but 99 cut her off, "We really must be going." And she slammed the door.
99 rushed Amanda to the garage and sighed, "I'd rather deal with KAOS."
Adam approached 99 in the kitchen, "Dad left the body in the car and we're leaving."
"Okay, thanks. And Adam be careful and take care of your father."
Amanda got into the back seat, unable to see much with no light from the garage on. 99 slipped into the driver's seat and started the ignition. As the lights' beams bounced from the closed garage door, 99 screamed—the KAOS agent was sitting upright in the passenger's seat. "Max," she gasped. She thought he was going to put the body in the trunk.
99 pulled out onto the dark, quiet suburban street as Mrs. Harris looked on. 99 waved to her and turned the corner only to have the unconsciousness agent fall over into her lap. She steered the car and tried to push the body back, with the aid of Amanda. Finally getting him against the passenger's window, they heard a ringing noise.
"Is that a phone?" Amanda asked.
"Probably. But from where?" 99 answered.
She began to check for the phone that might be hidden in the dashboard and Amanda searched the back seat. The ringing persisted as Amanda found her old gum from last Sunday in one of the ashtrays, hoping her mother didn't see it; however she got it stuck to her hand, which resulted in 99 driving the car, searching for the phone, keeping the agent upright and trying to pull gum from her daughter's hand. She was definitely the child of Maxwell Smart. At last, 99 removed the cigarette lighter from its socket and the ringing stopped. Talking into the end of it, 99 answered, "Hello?"
Max could be heard from it, "99."
"Max!"
"Like it, 99?" He asked wryly, talking from his lapel.
"Not particularly, Max, I don't smoke."
"Alright, 99, I've contacted Larabee and Hymie, who are waiting for you. And then I'll meet you at the parking garage by the abandon shopping mall on King Street."
"Right, Max." And she mindlessly tossed the cigarette lighter onto the KAOS agent's lap. "Sorry about that."
They finally reached the building which stood above the Control headquarters. 99 pulled up to the curb.
Thinking aloud, 99 began, "How are we going to inform Larabee or even get the body all the way up there?" She stepped out of the car.
"Well, at least it's dark," Amanda acknowledged, while peering out of the window. "However, there is a cop on the other side of the street."
99 got back in the car and looked out of her window.
"If," Amanda continued, "we're on the side of goodness and he's on the side of goodness, can't he help us?"
"Not when you're transporting a body. We'll just wait until he leaves."
99 was nervously drumming the steering wheel when the officer finally approached the car. She rolled down her window and cleared her throat, "Yes, officer?"
"Everything alright?" He asked.
"Um, well, no, my husband, um, fell and hit his head and we're on our way to the hospital."
"Ma'am the hospital is the other way."
"Well, my husband asked me to pull over as he was feeling sick, you see."
The officer leaned more into the window and yelled over 99, "Sir, are you feeling okay?"
The body did not stir.
"Don't you think we ought to get to the hospital, officer?" 99 said quickly.
"I'll give you an escort," he said, uncertainly.
The officer walked over to his motorcycle and 99 said to Amanda, "Untie his hands."
99 whipped the car around and followed the blinking lights of motorcycle.
Amanda finished untying the agent when 99 slammed into the curb at the entrance of the hospital. "Sorry about that," she said, looking at Amanda. She then called out to the officer and asked if he wouldn't mind getting a wheelchair. With the officer's help, he and 99 managed to get the groggy agent into the mental chair. The officer wheeled him through the double door entrance of the hospital. 99 mouthed at Amanda to stay in the car in case Max called back.
At the front desk, 99 stood nervously with the officer as he was talking to the nurses. He then turned to 99, "Ma'am…ma'am."
99 came to, "Oh, yes."
"You're name?"
"Uh, Mrs. Sm—Mrs. Hilton." (8)
"I take it, he's Mr. Hilton?"
"Yes. Yes, that's right," she said with enthusiasm, and placed a tender hand on the agent's shoulder.
Just then, the agent said wearily, "Where am I?"
99 gave a nervous laugh, "We're at the hospital, Love."
"Who are you?"
"I'm your wife. Don't you remember hitting your head?"
"Wait a minute," he said turning to face 99. "You're 99."
She pushed him back into the wheelchair with a chuckle, "He's forgotten my age. He must have amnesia."
The nurse from behind the desk began to wheel the agent down the hallway, who was protesting and declaring that he was an agent and 99 was an agent, all to which the nurse replied, "Sure you are."
99 gave the agent a caring wave as the officer asked, "Is there anything else I can do?"
"Oh, no, you've done plenty. Thank you."
She watched the officer walk out to his motorcycle and looked to see if Amanda was still waiting at the car. Amanda gave her mother an assuring wave. 99 paced the hospital lobby, keeping an eye on Amanda. A shrill ring pierced the docile waiting room. The noise gave 99 a start, but she quickly forgot about it, until she noticed a woman staring straight at her. Soon everyone was looking at 99 as the ringing continued. She then looked to her feet, which seemed to be the cause of the commotion. She excused herself and ducked into the hallway to answer her loafer.
"Max!" 99 whispered into her shoe.
"99, where are you?"
"I'm at the hospital," she said panicked.
"Is everything alright?!"
"Well, yes and no. We're fine, but we ran into a slight hiccough. We were escorted to the hospital and now the body—the agent's here."
"I'm coming that way, 99."
"Alright, Max."
Putting her shoe back on, 99 walked back to the lobby, but no longer could see Amanda. She rushed outside and surveyed the dark parking lot, which only confirmed her fear that Amanda was in fact missing. Thinking, 99 headed back to the lobby in case Amanda decided to come inside. 99 bit her lip in panic when a hand grabbed her shoulder. But when she turned around it was Max.
"Oh," she said.
"Don't be so disappointed, 99." Max said.
"Amanda is missing."
"Well, wait till you hear my news."
"Yes?"
"I may or may not have lost Adam," Max said looking around.
"Oh, God."
"Well, 99, two out of four ain't bad."
"Max!"
"Sorry, 99."
"Besides, Max, we can't even be sure the twins are alright while they're away at college."
Over PA system came a voice, "Paging Maxwell Smart. Paging Maxwell Smart."
Max shrugged his shoulders and he and 99 strolled to the front desk.
"I'm Mr. Smart," Max informed the woman at the desk.
She handed him the phone and looked quizzically at 99, "Didn't you check your husband in?"
"Yes," she answered. "I guess he's recovered." She grabbed Max's arm and gave it a squeeze.
Max added, "Uh, well, yes, I'm feeling much better." Then he turned around to answer the phone, far enough as the cord would allow. "Maxwell Smart here."
Over the wire came the familiar accent of Smart's dearest enemy, "Well, if it isn't Maxvell Schmart!"
"You called me, Siegfried." He whispered to 99, "It's Siegfried."
"So I gathered," she rolled her eyes.
"Let me keep this short," Siegfried continued. "We have you children, vell, two out of four, which ain't bad. Vut, we might be willing to trade for our KAOS agent, if he doesn't escape first."
Siegfried hung up and Max handed the phone back to the woman at the desk. He said to 99, "Well, there's good news and bad news."
"Max, I can't see how there's any good news."
"The good news—Siegfried has the kids."
"How is that good news?"
"At least we know where they are, which is something we didn't know a minute ago. And he's willing to trade them for the agent."
"So, what's the bad news?"
"The location of the agent."
"Surely he hasn't left the hospital. They wheeled him down that hallway," 99 said pointing to the hall in front of them.
"Maybe we should split up and check all the rooms," Max suggested.
"No, I think we should stay together. We've already lost enough of our party."
"Alright, let's start this way," he said, pointing to the left.
"No, I think we ought to start that way," she said pointing to the right.
"Why?"
"It's the doctor's locker room and we can disguise ourselves."
"99, I think I have a plan. We go into the doctor's locker room and find disguises."
"Right, Max."
Once Max and 99 gained access to the locker room, their plan seemed to foil—there was only one uniform.
"Well, 99," Max began, "It looks like there's only one outfit in here, so, you'll have to play the patient."
"Max, that's a nurse's uniform."
"I know that 99, but men and women are equal now," Max explained taking the uniform from the locker.
"Max, I know, but it's a female's uniform. It fits a woman's figure."
"How can you tell, 99? It has pants."
"Max, I'm wearing pants right now," 99 said rather annoyed.
99 emerged from the room in the nurse's uniform pushing Max in a wheelchair, who was wearing a hospital gown. They headed in the direction they thought the nurse had taken the agent when 99 first arrived at the hospital.
Max let out a low groan. "What's wrong?" 99 asked.
"I'm acting, 99."
As 99 rolled her eyes, Max saw the face of the KAOS agent through a crack in the door. "99, stop. I saw him."
Max leapt from the chair and crouched down in the corridor, outside the hospital room. "99," Max whispered, pulling out his gun. "On the count of three." He waited for the usual Right, Max, but there was only silence. "99, if I knew you were going to tire this easily—" (9)
Then Max saw 99 confront the KAOS agent through the door. Max rushed in, which caused the agent to spin around, aiming his gun right at Max. 99 in haste grabbed the nearest weapon—a bedpan, and smashed it over the agent's head. As the agent dropped she apologized. Max quickly got the agent into the wheelchair and they all made their way through the hall.
As they thought they were gaining some ground, a clatter of boots could be heard at the other end of the corridor. "What are we going to do?" 99 cried. "Our disguises can't help us if he's in the chair."
Max with his pistol raised, looked around. "Come on, 99. Let's get in that broom closet."
"Right, Max. What about him?" She said pointing at the agent.
"Well, we'll have to bring him with us."
Max and 99 lifted the body from the chair. 99 lifted from behind to lean him against Max's back to drag him into the closet.
"Okay, on my count," Max instructed 99, "gently ease him against my ba—" Before Max could finish 99 had dropped the body on Max and they all fell like a line of dominos.
99 jumped up and rolled the agent off of Max, "I'm so sorry, Max. He's heavy."
Max rolled his eyes and pushed the body into the closet. 99 followed, sucking in so they all could fit. "Max, maybe you should call Larabee."
"I left my shoe phone in the locker room."
"What about your garter phone?"
"Uh, well, I'm not wearing my garter's either, 99. I wanted to look the part of the patient. I thought my socks looked ridiculous with the gown."
"Oh! I have my loafer phone."
"To be honest, 99, I don't like the way this gown gapes in the back."
Just then the closet door swung open. "It's Siegfried and Shtarker!" 99 shouted.
"Well, it ain't Doc Bricker and Captain Stubing," Siegfried snapped, coaxing them out with his gun.(10) "Now, put your hands up!" Siegfried slowly looked Max up and down, "Are you wearing a dress?"
Max rolled his eyes, "It's a hospital gown."
"Vell, you look hideous."
Then Shtarker whispered, "I don't think it looks that bad."
99 could no longer take it, "Siegfried, I thought we had a written agreement that you would never involve our children."
"Unt 99, I'm the bad guy. I don't follow the rules."
"That's a valid point," Max added with his hands still in the air.
"Max, the children!"
When 99 thought all was lost, Hymie appeared at the end of the hall. Siegfried turned, "What's that idiot doing here?"
"Hymie!" Max shouted in glee.
Siegfried ordered, "Shtarker, shoot him!"
But the bullets only tore through his suit and ricocheted off his metal body. Then Siegfried fired his gun until the bullets ran out to which he shrugged his shoulders and threw the gun at Hymie. Max karate chopped Siegfried to the ground, and Shtarker turned to help him.
"Shtarker!" 99 shouted, and knocked him out with one swift blow to the jaw.
The bullet-ridden robot approached Max and 99, "Max, the color of your dress really brings out your eyes."
"Is that all you came here for, Hymie?" Max questioned.
"No, we rescued Adam and Amanda. They're with Larabee."
"Oh, thank you, Hymie!" 99 hugged Hymie.
Max murmured, "I'm not sure they're safe, yet."
Hymie continued, "And USIA has announced the new Chief."
Max's eyes lit up and he rubbed his hands together, "Go ahead, Hymie."
Hymie pulled a small piece of paper from his pocket, and read, "USIA has declared Agent 99 as the new head of Control." Placing the paper back in his pocket, he shook 99's hand, "Congratulations, 99."
99 was afraid to look at Max. Finally Max said, "But she's a girl!"11
Hymie tried to comfort Max, "Max, you'll still be top agent."
Max embraced 99 and gave his best h-okay.
THE END
References:
1 Max discusses a film, stating that not even Joan Blondell could save it. Episode: The Amazing Harry Hoo.
2 Back to the Future 2
3 Quote from Greer Window. Repeated in other episodes.
4 Quote from episode A Tale of Two Tails.
5 In the tv movie Get Smart, Again, Max states that he purchased the cone of silence on sale and it is now above his and 99's bed.
6 Max and 99's two lines here were taken from the paperback novel Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets by William Johnson.
7 Two lines taken from Get Smart Again.
8 Reference to episode 99 Loses Control and 99 goes by the name Susan Hilton.
9 Quote from episode Shock It To Me.
10 Catch phrase from episodes Schwartz's Island and Ice Station Siegfried. Also, Doc Bricker is Bernie Kopell's character from The Love Boat.
11 Reference to episode Aboard the Orient Express.