Flames

On the outside Newt was very strong. Probably the bravest of them all. He never showed any fear and he was always positive about everything giving the others hope, support and even a bit of joy.

When the pressure was too much any glader was welcome at Newt's room or could pour his heart out to him-get some weight lifted off his shoulders by talking to "the Glade Mother". Newt was really mature and kind, always understanding. Whatever their problem was the others could tell him and they would get useful advice. The most common topics were of course being homesick, but not remembering where they came from, feeling trapped, sad and hopeless; being lonely, or sometimes having a crush on another glader. But of course that was not so common. After sometime- well not the green beans obliviously – everyone befriended Newt on a level and whenever they needed cheering up, they'd go to him to talk. And he would always be there for them, patient and caring.

His other side was also brave, and his most commonly known self. The strict, mighty, respected second-in-command. They respected him- hell, sometimes even feared him a bit-and never dared to go against his (or Alby's) rules. Alright Gally's always been an exception, but before he went completely nuts Newt actually did not dislike him at all, of course he wasn't his favourite person but it was pretty alright. Sometimes-if Alby was busy- he'd take the Greenies on tour too, or would do anything to help their leader.

Also there was a time when he was a Runner. A great, brave Runner. He didn't like running at first, hell he never really did. He never lost his cool for real but at first he was terrified, and if he wanted to be honest with himself it was harder and harder for him to keep going back into the bloody Maze, just to find nothing. After a year and a half he lost nearly all hope. Of course he wouldn't let it show.

Because he had to be strong, brave and faithful for the others, he was the second in command for God's sake.

So yes, Newt was strong on the outside.

Though he had particularly lots of friends-only a couple of people actually knew him. At first it was only Alby. He never talked to him about his emotions or bitterness though. He didn't want to let his best friend down, show his weakness. He had to support him. Then it was Minho. It was a lot easier to open up to him. And Minho was surprisingly good at supporting him and keeping his secrets. But even the keeper was shocked when he found out about his suicide attempt. After that Minho was extra conscious around the blond and always kept an eye on him.

Newt also grew to like Chuck-Chuckie, instantly. He didn't want to put weight on his shoulders though; he never talked to him about his sad thoughts. Chuck was like a little brother to him, who had to be taken care of. So yeah, he felt like he had no reason or right to feel lonely-sad yes, but not lonely. Sometimes he would feel lonely though, and sad, depressed, hopeless.

Then Thomas arrived. Tommy. Newt only let his guard down for a moment, and he realised how quickly he fell for him. But "of course" Newt was a hundred percent sure that the bloody bugger would never feel the same. They quickly became good friends though, but by the time Newt had to put on his fake smile more and more times, until his only real smiles were either given to Thomas or Minho. Rarely Chuck or Alby.

On his especially lonely nights after every glader fell asleep he grabbed his candle and box of matches from the bedside drawer of his room in the Homestead, and he'd sneak down to the kitchen. Sometimes he felt like he'd rather sit under the night sky, but he was afraid that he'd wake someone up. So he'd tiptoe down the stairs and sit down at the kitchen table, grabbing a cold mason jar filled with Gally's special brew from the fridge on the way. He'd just sit there in the dark for a few seconds taking sips, then gulps from the liquid, then he'd light the candle and stare at the flame. It warmed his heart seeing the tiny golden flame dance and made him get a strangely familiar feeling. Déjà vu almost. He knew those flames; he's seen a candle before. He wasn't sure but he remembered four candles and cold outside. Love, warmness inside and a sweet smell, cinnamon probably.

Suddenly that single candle didn't cut it. It was never enough. He always lit a significant number of the matches too, and watched them burn one-by-one. He was mesmerized by them. He watched the hungry, little, pathetic flames as they ate up and burned all they could before they died. But they'd always die anyway. They could light a candle-well there the only one Newt had-they could leave something behind but they died anyway. Just like humans. And he knew the flames-yes he did. He had seen a bonfire at the Glade and he was sure that he had seen plenty of candles in his previous life outside of that hell-hole. Some made him feel happy-others made him feel sad. He was not pyromaniac-well at most slightly, but he loved the fire. And he also loved his alone time with his thoughts on a rare occasion.

He finished his last match off and blew the candle. He used nine matches that night including the one he lit the candle with, so the air was pretty smoky.

In the morning Frypan couldn't help but wonder why the hell his clean kitchen smelt so gross again.

…

The next night Newt found himself in the kitchen again. He lit his seventh match a few seconds previous.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps- someone was entering the kitchen. His current match's light just died so; at least he wouldn't have to explain that. He didn't move. Why should he? He sat there in silence staring into the flame again. After a few seconds, the door finally opened from the outside.

"Newt-what the…?"

"Tommy, what the bloody shuckin' 'ell are ya doin' here so buggin' late?"

"Well, I could ask you the same you know."

"So, what's up?"

"I… just couldn't sleep, and I didn't wanna wake Chuck so, I thought I'd come in here and get some of that horribly disgusting liquid you're having."-Thomas pointed at the mason jar in Newt's hands which naturally contained Gally's special brew.

"Mind if I join you?"

"Have a seat."

"So, what are you doing up here so late, huh?"

"I couldn't sleep"

"Like, I'd believe that klunk. You look goddamn tired Newt. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's bloody wrong!"-He burst out – I just wanted to be alone for a sec, is that so much to ask?"

"Sssh, you slinthead, keep it down!"

"Dontcha' dare orderin' me 'round greenie!"

"It's Thomas! And there's no need for you to be angry with me!"

"I know all right Tommy. Sorry. Erm, I'm not angry with you in particular. Sorry,really."

"It's alright. Pass that jar on will you?"-He took a sip and shivered.-"So who are you angry with then?"

"The rest of the bloody world."

"Really, Newt what's wrong? And what's up with the matches? You have one candle and you lit seven of them. Why? And how did you get them anyway?"

"I asked for them a long time ago. I like to watch them burn. The flames y'know."

"Why seven?"

"All of them resembles somethin'. But I gotta' light two more."

"What do they resemble?"

"One first, to light and remember the ones I can't. Three candles the second time… for the years I've spent 'ere. Another three: for my friends, one for each of 'em."

"But what about the two last ones?"

"Those two are for the one that matters the most to me."

"And who would that be?"-Thomas smiled a comforting, warm smile. Newt had never seen him smile like that before. He liked it way too much.

"That I cannot tell."

"Can I light some too?"

"Sure, suit yourself."

"Alright."-He lifted the box of matches and lit his first one.

"One for the life I can't remember."-They watched it burn, Newt's huge chocolate eyes reflecting the flames, enchanting Thomas.-"Three for my friends here. The fourth and the fifth; for the one that matters the most. The one I am in love with."

"Who would that be?"

"That I cannot tell."

"Why?"

"You don't wanna hear it, trust me. So what's wrong?"

" I… am so bloody, tired Tommy… I just can't keep holding on. I've… I've always held on for others, but now I'm tired of this. Tired of it all Tommy. I gave up hope long ago. And… and… Tommy I lied to you y' know. When I told ya' 'bout my bad leg. It… it wasn't a bloody griever Tommy…"-At this point Newt's eyes were wet and his held back tears where threatening to fall.

"Who was it? Newt answer me, who was it?!"

"Me!"-He burst out, his tears finally falling, his sobs shaking his whole body bursting out of him. He kept quiet though, he was careful not to wake up the others.- "I… I… w-wanted to commit suicide Tommy. I wanted to die."

"Oh Newt…"-Thomas had never been this sad before he knew that for sure. He wrapped his arms around his sobbing friend and slowly, gently lifted him onto his lap, so Newt was straddling him, burying his face in the crook of his precious Tommy's neck.

"It's…It's been so bloody long since I… since I cried Tommy. It's been so shucking long."

"SSh, it's okay Newt, it's okay love. It's alright I'm here for you now, and I swear it on my life, that I'll find a way out. I promise, I'll get you outta here Newt! I promise love… I promise. Ssh…it's okay.

"N-no Tommy it's bloody not! I-I don't have a reason to live anymore… I don't."

"But, what about your friends, Newt? What would we do without you?"

"Screw everyone, you'd all get along just fine! You'd all forget me eventually."

"N-Newt how can you say something like that? You're hurting me…"

"Oh God, I'm so sorry…I'm so bloody, shuckin' sorry Tommy, but I can't keep doing this…I don't have a reason to keep fighting!"

"But yes, yes you do! Do you want a damn reason to live? Do you want me to tell you something? Well, listen well Newt, 'cause I'm only saying this once! You do matter! In fact you matter the most, you glue this whole place together and keep it in one piece. You keep us a team. And if that isn't enough, I love you Newt! I…I love you! I lit those candles for you, and though I shouldn't remember this, but I'm positive- a hundred shucking percent sure- that I've never ever loved anyone this much before! Never! A-and I know that you probably don't feel the same but- if-if you die- then I'll get the others out of here-and then I'll go after you. Because I'm fighting for you and Chuck and Minho and Teresa-but if you'd be gone I'd…I'd want to die with you. And I'd-I'd have so much love to give to you! I-I want to make you happy…your smile makes me pull my klunk together and keep fighting! When you smile at me I feel like the world is okay again! And I…I couldn't stand loosing you…Please Newt, please!"

"Oh, Tommy! Tommy, Tommy, Tommy…"-by the time Thomas was halfway through his speech they were both crying silently.-"It's okay Tommy, I'll stay with you, I love you too, you shuckface! But you gotta get it… it's hard!"

"I know babe, I know right. We'll sort this out. I'll help you through this. Just trust me!"

"But I can't trust myself. I believe in you but…"

"Then believe in the part of me that believes in you! Trust the part of me that trusts you!"

"Okay, I could do that."- Newt smiled a little.

"We should go and get some sleep now. Wanna join me at my spot?"

"I…"

"Please Newt."- Thomas looked at him with huge puppy eyes.

"Okay, okay bloody hell, in the end you will be the bloody death of me."- he grinned.

"Maybe."-Thomas chuckled.-"Shall we…together?"

"Together."-Newt smiled.

And they blew the candle.

…

Thomas was hugging Newt from behind, holding him tightly.

"You comfy?"

"Yeah, it' weird but 's all right. But the others…will see us Tommy."

"I don't care, I love you babe."

"Oh, okay. I love ya too, Tommy. I always will."

Hey guys!

Thanks for reading this, I hope you enjoyed it!

Please review and let me know what you think. Were our lovelies in character?

Ugh..this was my first attempt at a oneshot ever :)

I hope you had a merry Christmas ..ehm Newtmas! I wish you a happy New(t) Year!

Love,

Ann :)