Written for The Big/Lil' Sis Team Prompt Competition.
It is the Companion story to Eemmatt33's piece of the same name.
Dedicated to without whom I could not have written this.
Tonks returned from her mother's house. She had asked Andromeda to watch Teddy for the day as she needed to be alone but the house had been far to quiet. It had been Remus' top choice. There were no neighbours, it was better that way. Remus couldn't have people around him when he transformed. Tonks supposed she would have to move, it wouldn't do her any good living in the house she and her now late husband had bought. The isolation would kill her, then again so would anything at this point.
The house screamed of Remus. It smelled like him. The masculine scent of man and wolf that was so very him invaded every corner of the house. If she closed her eyes she could see him standing there, calling to her.
"Come with me, Dora."
The sound of his voice vibrated through her head. Tears come to her eyes and she looked around her lover's nest. The love still seemed to be in it. Everywhere she looked were the signs of Remus, it was almost less painful to just close her eyes and see him than it was to see all the pieces of him.
At first it hadn't even seemed real. The first night after the battle she kept waiting for him to come home. It just didn't make sense, that didn't even begin to cover it, lots of things didn't make sense, magic for one. This was so inconceivable language couldn't cover it. Her own mind couldn't comprehend that he was never coming home. Teddy would not remember his father at all. He would have no memory of the warm smile that always came on Remus' face when he saw his son. In that way she was jealous of Teddy.
He would miss having a father, but he wouldn't miss HIS father. He never knew his father and therefore had nothing to miss. She on the other hand loved the man. She loved the way their personalities and hands and just everything about them fit together like a puzzle. They were truly soulmates. There was no other word for it, and he was gone. He was gone forever. After a couple days sleeping alone-Andromeda kept Teddy she knew what her Dora was going through for she too had lost her husband in the war-Tonks finally came to terms with the fact that she was a widow. Still practically a blushing bride and yet she was widowed.
That did not mean however she was ok with it. When she woke up on May 6th the first thing she did was go down to the cellar and hit every single flask of Wolfsbane potion with a blasting hex. She didn't consider selling them, no she was just angry. She had to blast them. Remus would never need them, because he was dead.
They were useless. They were worthless. Anything useless had no purpose in her life right now. Or ever. Who needed blue cheese? It stunk and if Remus wasn't going to enjoy his stinky cheese why should it stay it her fridge? It was dead to her just like Remus was dead. Looking back on it now, she knew she shouldn't have gotten that mad at cheese, but ti was reminder of what she had lost.
When Teddy came home her anger finally started to go away. Instead she was left with this empty feeling inside. What if it had been her that had died? Would Remus have been this upset? He was much better at handling his emotions than she was. She found her self using her metamorphic abilities to change her face to Remus'. It was unhealthy, yes, but she had to see his face.
It wasn't perfect, no where close. No one could be Remus but Remus. No one could achieve perfection anywhere but him. He would have been much better to live. He would have made a much better single father to Teddy than she was as a single mother. Then she was hit with the thought, what if they had both died? What would happen to Teddy? Would he be ok? This constant questioning left her in a state of endless tears she only managed to hold back because of Teddy's smile.
When the first Order meeting following the battle happened she had finally reached one of the final stages of grief, depression. She couldn't even morph herself very well anymore. She knew she was depressed but she couldn't do anything about it. It just was. She could barely smile at Teddy anymore and almost considered skipping the meeting, not wanting to see all the empty seats. But she went.
What she noticed was everyone sat at the seats they had held previously. The empty spots had a bigger presence than those that were there. They spoke more then even those who tried to talk. Surprisingly, one of those people was not Fred. The one person one could count on to try to lighten the mood no matter the circumstance was silent. He looked to be in more pain than Tonks herself.
It was then Tonks began to accept Remus' death. As she looked into the clouded eyes of Fred Weasley. She may have lost her soul's other half but Fred lost his physical one too. She felt that he alone would no what she was feeling more than anyone else here.
"Same place; same time." Kingsley said in his deep baritone. Tonks was pulled from her thoughts realizing that the meeting was already over. All Tonks wanted to do was go home make a nice big mug of hot chocolate, it didn't matter it was late spring approaching June, hot chocolate could always make her feel better. But she also didn't want to get up. She wanted to sit her forever. That is until Fred-who she hadn't even realized was still here-turned to her and went to say something but all that came out was,
"So, umm"
Also at an apparent loss for words she mimicked him, repeating his "So."
He asked her about Teddy and she told him he was at her mother's. Leaving out that he was usually there these days. After that silence fell. She thought to herself that maybe Fred would like some hot chocolate too. It was what a good mother would do. She thought about the state her home had fallen into thanks to her depression and she decided against it. Instead she asked him if he wanted to go for a walk. She mentioned Teddy again so she could feel like a good mother even if she didn't see herself as one.
He told her Verity was minding the shop so it was ok. Tonks figured Verity minded the shop most days now. Fred didn't look like he belonged in a joke shop and she figured his apartment would be even more painful then her little house was. They grabbed their coats and Tonks wrapped a scarf around her, it had been a gift from Remus and it still carried traces of his addicting but fading scent. She also kept her wand in her holster on her arm. Even in this time of peace Moody still would have said "Constant Vigilance!"
The two walked over to the park across the street, Fred spotted a bench and suggested they sit down. It looked damp but even though Tonks was on her way to acceptance, she was still to depressed to care. The pair sat in silence watching two young muggle girls. She wondered briefly if that could have ever been Teddy and a little brother. Running around a park driving her and Remus mad. She was past the What Ifs though, she knew it only hurt more.
She finally spoke her depression and the remaining traces of her anger mixing, " It isn't fair! How can they be so innocent in such a depressing time?"
Fred gently replied with the obvious that she didn't want to hear, "They're muggles. They obviously haven't been touched by our war."
Tonks was jealous of them. She wished for ignorance. She wished she could live
free of all this pain and knowledge. The pain bubbled up as she once again spoke, "Look at them. Not a care in the world. She would never have to be a single parent. Never have to struggle to live day by day to support her family" Comparing herself to this woman brought tears to her eyes.
"I'm stuck in this house with my infant son and my grieving mother. I just want help. I just want Remus back," the tears started to fall as she continued, "Is that too much to ask? To have my husband back. He wasn't meant to die. We were supposed to be a family and raise Teddy together. I-I just want…" She couldn't continue. One part due to her realizing how selfish she was being, here was the one person who knew what she was going through and she was only complaining about her own lot.
She began to think about her healing process as they settled back into silence. She realized that Fred had it worse then her and she had no right to continue to be miserable. She even forgave the Death Eaters. After all she had left families broken too. How could she judge them? And with that she escaped the weight of her suffering. Though her other half would be missing forever she could move on and tryo to see where her broken half could fit in the worl...
Her thoughts were interrupted by Fred, who also seemed to be coming to terms with what had happened.
"Oh God, George. George why? He was my twin, my best friend, my other half. I can't live without him. I just can't. It's too hard." With that Fred put his face in his hands. He was letting himself grieve, and Tonks knew how hard that was. To break past that initial shock and let everything fall out.
Tonks knew she had been selfish and she apologized to Fred for not acknowledging his pain earlier.
Fred continued, "He was everything to me. Everything! I can't just let him go. What's a pair, when one's missing?"
Fred sat and cried and Tonks had moved into acceptance. She would to her mother's house and get Teddy. Then she would make some hot chocolate and read her favourite book. She would not move and she would be a good mother. When she and Fred finally left the park that is what she did.
Fred began to heal as Tonks became ready to move on.
I know Tonk's healing process may have been a bit fast but I needed it to be Spring so she is a strong woman she can do it.
Love you all! Hope you enjoyed it!