Warning: This story contains quite a bit of sexualized humor and probably occupies the upper cusp of the Teen rating. Read at your discretion.
[*]
Zelda Is Your…
"And so," the silvery haired dark skinned man continued, "I said to the Innkeeper, 'Fine, kick me out of my damn room. I've been sleeping in your daughter's the whole time anyway.'"
The man on the opposite side of the table collapsed as he tried in vain to suppress his chortling. The tip of his green hat and his coppery locks cascaded onto the table as he pounded it rhythmically with his fists. He finally recovered and pointed to the pair of glowing red eyes across the table: "Bold sir."
Dark Link shot a wolfish grin, shrugged, and tipped back yet another shot glass—pounding it on the table beside six or seven more. "I guess," he said evenly. "So, Link… what kind of game are you chasing? That ginger's been looking at you the whole night."
Link arched an eyebrow and traced the trajectory of Dark's index finger towards the red-haired bar maid behind the counter. "Who? Malon?" Link said somewhat incredulously. "Nah, man. It's nothin' like that. I'm actually kind of settling down."
Dark failed utterly at concealing his grimace. "Dude, really! You're like the hero of… of somethin', man. Chicks dig that shit. Why stop playin' the game?"
Link drained the amber hued liquid courage in his shot glass. He paused, scratching the back of his neck. "She's one in a million." Link probably knew that explanation was as lame as it sounded, but that was all he could manage for now.
"Pfft!" Dark spat almost in contempt. "Don't tell me it's your fairy."
Link forcibly ejected the strong smelling whiskey snaking its way down his throat. "No!" he coughed, "No!"
"'Kay, so is she, like, rich?"
"A Princess."
"Well that's something."
"Yeah, she takes care of everything. I haven't had even had to break pots or cut grass since—well, a long time."
"So how'd you hook up?"
Link shrugged. "Got kidnapped and she sent me a telepathic message asking me to rescue her."
Dark sighed in exasperation, "Ugh! She's the clingy type. Princess of what kingdom? Termina, Calatia, Gamelon?"
Link took another shot as he shook his head. "Hyrule."
Dark cackled. "Whoa man! Did I just hear you correctly? Little Linkie here is tapping the Princess Zelda!"
"Shhhhh! Shhhh! Not so loud!" Link pleaded futiley with Dark as eyes around the bar fixed on the hero and his guffawing doppelgänger.
"Aw man, no wonder you need the Triforce of Courage. Good luck trying to dump that. She'd probably execute you." Dark said, still comsumed in his own amusement.
"I told you, I don't want to leave her and she's not like that."
"Uh-huh… First she asks you to come rescue her and then, next thing you know, she asks you to go down to Beedle's shop to pick up a box of tampons. Game over, dude. I mean really, what kind of bitch telepathically contacts a kid and asks him to haul ass to rescue her? Wouldn't you contact, I dunno, the army? Or maybe some other assorted badasses like ERROR?"
"I told you," Link said clenching his teeth, trying to suppress the genuine irritation welling up inside, "it wasn't like that. Besides the entire army had betrayed her. My Uncle went to rescue her but he… didn't make it."
Dark was taken aback by the awkward and depressing tone the conversation had taken. "Tough break, dude."
Link sighed and stared off into nothing. "Yeah…" He paused and looked down at the torn leather of his aging boots. "You know, come to think of it, he tried to tell me something before he died—something about Zelda."
Dark arched a bleached white eyebrow. "Oh?"
"Yeah, he said 'Zelda is your…' and that's all he got out before he died."
Dark seemed to chew on the words. "'Zelda is your…' What the hell does that even mean?"
Link shrugged as he stared into yet another shot glass. "I dunno, man. Honestly, I never really thought about it until now.
Suddenly, Dark's bloodshot irises went supernova. His entire body froze, before he all but shouted. "Aw shit dude! You know what? Zelda's your sister."
Link's mouth contorted into every possible expression of disgust, plus a few previously unknown. "'The hell, man! She can't be my sister! That's just wrong!"
Dark slapped an ashen hand across his equally ashen face. "Dude, I'm trying to level with you. What else could he by trying to say? 'Zelda is your dentist?' 'Zelda is your fifth cousin?' Or was he trying to be obvious and say something like 'Zelda is your Princess?"
Link scoffed, "That would just be retarded."
Dark shot his arms up in exasperation, "That's my point dude! What else could he have been trying to say? Why else do you think a dying man in the last few seconds of his life would be trying to say about a chick you'd never even met before? Yeah, I am about to croak and I say 'Link, Zelda is your Princess.' That's bullshit. I choose to believe that your Uncle's wasn't a dumbass and was trying to tell you something important because he just maybe thought his retard of a nephew might try something funky on her."
Link, visibly shaken, managed: "Well, he could've been trying to tell me that Zelda was my goal, or objective, or…something."
Dark scoffed. "Yeah, geez, thanks. I've already hauled ass out of bed in the middle of the night—summoned by a telepathic bitch who's been kidnapped—and you're spending your last dying moments telling me she needs to be rescued? Again, either Zelda's your sister, or your Uncle was a dumbass."
Link brought his legs up to his chest as he began rocking back and forth in his rickety chair. "That's…not possible. Not possible… I had parents. My parents weren't royalty, they…"
"Dude, you were raised by your Uncle, you don't have a clue who your parents are."
"But… but…"
"And think about this," Dark cut him off, "You two are the only Aryans in the entire damn kingdom. You look almost exactly alike. Your relationship is practically masturbation as it is."
"I… I don't feel so good." Link managed dizzily.
"You fellas alright?" Malon's drawled as she came over to their table and took their shot glasses.
"Uh," Dark began, "My friend here will take the red potion."
"Comin' right up," Malon said as she withdrew.
"Can't breathe! Need… air!" Link said as he began hyperventilating.
On cue, Malon returned and set the red potion on the table. Dark opened the bottle and threw its thick, jelly like contents into Link's face. He exhaled deeply.
"Chill out, dude." Dark said, trying to be as supportive as a sinister doppelgänger could.
"Thanks, man." Link said, barely concealing his utter despondency. "I've got to get back and tell her. Aw, geez I've got to tell her! How do you even tell somebody something like this!"
"Chill man, just take your time. When are you supposed to go back to the Castle?"
"I'm side questing, so I told her I'd take a couple of days."
"Alright, so just take a couple of days and figure out what you're gonna do."
Link cupped his face in his palms, "I think I'll just move south. She'll never need to know—"
"Link!" an all too familiar voice from the bar's entrance piped up.
"Shit." Link spat as Princess Zelda in all her royal splendor approached the table.
Zelda nearly ran forward and held an expression on her normally impassive face that was new and altogether terrifying. Honestly, Link had never seen her in such a state before, and this fortunately made him forget that he was now reuniting with his sister.
"Thank the Goddesses I found you!" Zelda gasped as she ran forward, her arms outstretched towards her lover turned brother.
Concern infiltrated Link's voice, "Zelda…what's wrong?"
"Wrong? Nothing is wrong." Zelda playfully slapped his arm before she embraced him. She turned towards Dark and smiled. "Dark Link! Link's told me so much about you."
Dark made an uneasy smile, "Pleasure…" he snapped his fingers in the air and caught Malon's attention. "Uh… closing out my tab. Thanks!"
Link scratched the back of his neck, utterly bewildered. "Zelda, if nothing's wrong why'd you come all the way out here?"
"Link, the most wonderful thing has happened, and I had to share it with you." Zelda said with almost musical reverie.
"You found a triple clawshot?" Link grinned, "Because that would be badass!"
"No silly!" Zelda chuckled and smiled softly. "I'm… pregnant."
Link died.
Well, at least Dark thought Link had died. It probably would have been easier on everyone if he had. But instead he lost consciousness and slumped to the floor. Under normal circumstances, Dark would have labeled him a wimp, probably would have laughed at him, and painted various phallic symbols on his face. However… these were not exactly normal circumstances.
Dark got Malon's attention again, "Never mind the close out, just give him three more red potions and put it on my tab. Thanks."
Zelda looked at her unconscious lover, her violet eyes narrowed, puzzled. She turned towards Dark. "What's wrong with him?"
Dark made a poor attempt at a genuine chuckle, "Oh…heh heh… you know how it is with new fathers…"
Not satisfied with this answer, Zelda began forcefully shaking Link by his shoulders. "Link! Link! Link!"
And all at once, the Chosen Hero bolted awake and tried to scream before Zelda gripped him in a firm embrace, unintentionally gagging him. "Link, this is one of the happiest days of my life! I can't think of a better man to be the father of my children!"
Dark's stomach began to churn.
"I think I'm going to have twins! Call it a hunch or call it the Triforce of Wisdom. Either way, I've got a feeling… I hope we'll have a boy and a girl. I never had a sibling, so I've always wondered what it would be like to have one."
Dark's stomach began to die.
Zelda continued. "I hope one day they'll be just like their mommy and daddy!"
Dark promptly lost his liquor.
Link emerged from Zelda's embraced and made a stroke inducing scream.
Zelda's ebullient features morphed to abject terror as Link began flailing wildly. "Link! Link! What's wrong? I thought… I thought you'd be happy." Moisture began to seep out of her violet irises.
Link continued his hyperventilating for a handful of seconds, and then breathily managed, "Zelda, look I… How do I say this? I'm always going to… love you. But sometimes love… changes… that's the word… in surprising ways you don't expect."
Zelda's expression morphed into something approaching contempt. "I'm not into that if that's what you're about to ask!"
"Huh?" Link replied, "No. No! Nothing like that. Look Zel, I don't know how to tell you this but, I'm your bro—"
"Link!" A booming voice resonated throughout the bar.
Link turned towards Dark, "Did your testicles just drop? Was that you?"
Dark sat there motionless, finally recovering from the shock long enough to slowly shake his head.
"Link!" The voice repeated.
"Un…Uncle!"
"Yes," replied the voice as ethereal matter coalesced into the familiar outline of his deceased uncle.
"B-b-b-b-but…how—"
As if anticipating his question, his Uncle cut him off. "The Goddesses have granted me a reprieve from the world-after to allow my shade to return to the mortal realm."
Malon approached the table yet again with the three red potions. "Hey, uh, I don't know what kind of friends you got here," she said thrusting a finger squarely into Dark's chest, "But we got a strict 'no gangs, no goblins, and no ghosts policy' here. If you have netherworldly business you have to take care of, you best take it outside."
Dark deftly tried to slide a few red gems her way. "Something extra for your trouble then, if you can make an exception."
"Minute I make an exception all them Poe asshats will be staking out here 'till closing."
Dark tried his best to put on the smoothest smile he could summon. "I can see why they would with you lookin' so fine…" Malon blushed.
"Uncle," Link continued, "It's really great to see you and all, but I have a few questions I want to ask about Zelda and me."
His Uncle's smile, however ghostly, looked as flesh and blood as any he'd ever seen. "Excellent, because that's why I have returned. I have something very important to tell you."
Link braced himself for the inevitable. His Uncle continued: "Congratulations."
Link's jaw hung limp. For possibly the fourth time in the space of an hour, he had lost the ability to form words.
"Wh—what'd you say?" Link finally managed after a few moments of looking dumbfounded.
"Congratulations." His Uncle repeated, "Your parents would have been so proud of you. You are the last scion of a very old and ancient family, and now the family shall live on through your children."
"But Uncle—"
"As I said many years ago, and I will say it now, Zelda is your destiny."
"But Uncle, Zelda is my sis—uh…destiny!"
"Your destiny, Link."
"Oh…" Link stated in dumb stupor.
Dark grinned and finally yelled out, "Dude, deux ex machina for the win!"
His Uncle managed a final, ghostly smile. "Farewell, son not of my blood, but of my heart."
"Goodbye, Uncle." Link whispered as he at last faded into the ether of the universe.
Zelda approached Link and draped an arm around him. "So, what is it you were going to tell me?"
Dark turned again to Malon, "Closing out—for real this time."
[*]
Centuries ago…
Zelda and Link's lips met again before she abruptly terminated the embrace and disappeared into the doorway of her Skyloft apartment. Zelda smiled softly and smoothed out the wrinkles in her elegant burgundy dress. She crooked a finger at the Chosen Hero, beckoning him inside.
Link smiled, his enthusiasm and excitement all too obvious. However, as he entered the room and strode towards his beloved, he suddenly halted. A haunted expression festered on his visage.
"What's wrong?" Zelda asked.
"I just have this strange feeling… like what I am about to do is going to alter the balance of the cosmos and spread untold amounts of pain and suffering to future generations…"
Zelda arched an eyebrow. "Really?"
Link took a moment of introspection. Finally, he grinned and kissed her again. "Nah!"
They closed the door.
[*]
Author's Note: More perverted humor than I normally write, but I still enjoyed it. Usually the "Zelda is your sister" argument is used by those who hate the ZeldaxLink pairing. I do not personally believe they are related, but I could not resist using the continuing controversy as a cheap ploy for humor. For those of you not aware, this is hopefully an obvious reference to the controversy over the original line in A Link to the Past where Link's uncle says "Zelda is your…" before promptly dying. Many fans concluded that he meant sister, citing Star Wars, physical appearance, etc. etc. During the rerelease of ALttP on Game Boy Advanced, the line became "Zelda is your destiny." Anyway, tell me what you thought and thank you for putting up with my Link and Dark Link as frat boys. Please review and I hope you enjoyed.