Akatsuki FUQ
(Akatsuki Frequently Unanswered Questions)
Genre: Humour/ Down right illogical stupidity!
Rating: T/ M
Rating is only for some jokes with an adult theme… but nothing too heavy… I can't help it, Akatsuki jokes are not fun without a little tease!
Summary: Oh yes, this, my fellow fans, is an account of all the "frequently asked questions" which are always left unanswered. Those answers which the Akatsuki refuses to answer but I, Ame, will get the answers out of them today- means of doing it- utter mental torture! MUAHAHAHA!
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto nor am I the Okashira of Akatsuki (Though I wish I was…)…
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Ame: This whole account will be all-in-one with the interrogation of all the Akatsuki members including the ex-Akatsuki member. If you, the readers, have any questions which you want answered, please contact me with those questions by either reviewing or emailing (preferably reviewing ).
Now we begin with our favourite shinobi from the cursed clan, Uchiha Itachi!!
-Applause-
Itachi:W-what the!?!? Where the hell am I?!? Why the hell am I where I do not know I am!? How the hell did I get here!?
-Itachi looking baffled- (which you don't see everyday)
Ame: -chuckles evilly- You are in the one place no one dares to come to. You are sitting on the "you-have-to-answer-all-my-questions" chair. Fear me…
-The light on the top hangs loose and dangles giving a suspense look-
Itachi: O-Okay… Uchiha Itachi does not get scared of a stupid chair. -closes his eyes and tries to get up-
Ame: HA! I used "Super, SUPER Ultra-strong Permanent Steel Special Akatsuki Member Stick Glue" to stick you here! So there are only two ways that you can get off this chair. One: You can pick up the chair itself and walk out. Then you will have to answer every single questions truthfully to whom ever you come across. Second: Well… you pull hard enough that you detach your bottom from your body.
Itachi: -tries to compose himself- If you are trying to get some secret Akatsuki information out of me, you are and will in the near future, desperately fail.
Ame: Why would I want to know about some stupid secret mojo you guys are doing. I am very happy as it is following the Shippuden episodes. You will spoil all my suspense like that… -whines-
Itachi: Then what do you want from me? -Still very composed-
Ame: I will dare to ask the famous Uchiha Itachi-kun, charged with the famous Uchiha Massacre, some questions which have been burning and killing me inside.
Itachi: You are just wasting my time, worthless creature. You seriously don't want to suffer the wrath of my-
Ame: Yeah yeah, shut your yap! I know the whole "You will suffer from my mighty and awesome Mangekyou Sharingan" and frankly, even though it still is very cool, maybe you should come up with a better slogan. Something like, "And so, once again, everybody has gone mentally insane, thanks to Itachi and his Mangekyou Sharingan" or "Sasuke-kun, I am your brother… Muahahahah!"
Itachi: He is my brother and he knows that I am his brother too. There is nothing diabolical about being that worthless brother of mine's brother. -rolls his eyes in irritancy-
Ame: Don't you mock me! Okay, so now I will start with my torture, Itachi-kun so beg for Lady Mercy to be on your side.
Itachi: It's Lady Luck, not Lady Mercy.
Ame: Urusai! I know that! So first question: When I saw you wipe out the entire Uchiha clan, I noticed you left your brother alive. (Urusai means shut up, just like Uruse, but you all should know this by now if you are a die-hard fan of Naruto!)
Itachi: Gee, you noticed that? I thought no one would know I left him alive… Only a genius can figure that out… -narrows his eyes in sarcasm-
Ame: flames in eyes Enough with the cynicism. So, you left him alive. Now tell me very honestly, did you actually and in sheer reality leave Uchiha Sasuke alive because you loved him too much to kill him? -grins-
Itachi: WHAT!?!? Who in fuckin' hell told you that!? I left him alive because I thought he would be a good person to test my skills in the future! Not because I "loved" him!! -finally looses his cool-
Ame: -narrows and rolls eyes in disbelief-- ahan, keep telling yourself that honey!
Itachi: You are seriously starting to test my patience!
-opens his eyes wide and his eyes shift into the Mangekyou Sharingan mode-
Ame: That mumbo-jumbo technique aint gonna work on me dear! I have state-of-the-art CIA Men In Black glasses of the 21st century! instantly puts on black glasses and stays unaffected
Itachi: Kuso! When I get off this chair I am so going to rip you apart limb from limb!
Ame: Until then, my next question: Did you ever have a girl friend? -opens eyes bright in anticipation-
Itachi: NO! I don't have time for all that crap. It makes you weak and vulnerable!
Ame: Aww Itachi-kun, you shouldn't be that harsh… you should try having one sometime… someone as cruel and ruthless as me would fit very well with you… -snickers-
Itachi: Hey look, you dropped something: Your respect!
Ame: Itachi-kun! That hurts… imagine how many other fan girls die in your name everyday… give them at least some hope for life.
Itachi: I am NEVER gonna have a girl friend!
Ame: I have no reason to live anymore… falls to the ground and whimpers
Itachi: Feh! Baka!
Ame: -suddenly jumps up and looks as if nothing happened- So our next question: Some people put you and Haruno Sakura together in fanfictions. Do you secretly have an affair with Haruno Sakura? -raises eyebrows-
Itachi: Who? Who the hell is- oh wait… I remember! She is one of the shinobis under Kakashi-san… Hell no I ain't havin' an affair with that girly girl! She really freaks me out with the pink hair and "unwomanly" looks! I mean… the first time I saw her, I really was surprised that she was a girl! (A/n No offense to Sakura fans because I also like her in Shippuden, not in Naruto, but in Naruto Shippuden!)
Ame:- grins -Take that Sakura! I told you Naruto was right when he said "It's okay Sakura-chan, you haven't changed one bit!"
Itachi: -sweat-drops- You know, I am not the only Akatsuki member in the world!
Ame: YUSH! Lets bring out Sasori Of The Red Sand!
-Applause-
Sasori: Where am I? -Looks around as if nothing big has happened-
Ame: You are here to answer my questions, Sasori. And you will not be able to go until you give me the answers!
Sasori: What can you do if I walk out that door? -points to the small wooden door with the huge sign of "EXIT" on it-
Itachi: It's no use, she has glued us with "Super, DUPER Ultra-strong Permanent Steel Special Akatsuki Member Stick Glue" to stick us here… there is no way for us to escape without actually walking out with this chair stuck to our behinds…
Sasori: I seriously don't want to use my puppets against a girl… -narrows eyes in superiority-
Ame: Aren't you a puppet with double standards!? No man can live a day without a woman… -lowers voice and mumbles- excluding emo people like Sasuke! But that is besides the point! Weren't you the one who was exiting a hooker's club just yesterday night… or should I say today early morning!?!
Sasori: -eyes wide in horror and shock- H-How did you find out!?! No one knows that I go-
Ame: Now every friggen' person in the world knows!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!
Itachi: Sasori, I knew from the start you were that low but did you have to bring down Akatsuki's name this low too? Why couldn't you be low without the whole world finding out!? -Narrows eyes in detest and disappointment-
Sasori: I thought I made sure no one would find out! There wasn't anyone around when I go out!
Ame: SO YOU REALLY DID GO TO THAT CLUB!?! Haha, I was just blowing you off! But you- -falls on the floor laughing-
Sasori: I just told you that I spend my nights at Hookers'…
Ame: Every night?!?! Oh I didn't think it would be this easy to embarrass an Akatsuki member!! This just keeps on getting better! -laughs uncontrollably-
Itachi: -Looks at Sasori and twitches eyes- Teme wa… (Teme wa means 'you Bastard')
Sasori: -laughs nervously- I didn't m-mean e-every-
Ame: Okay, on to my next question! Do you still look as hot as you did when you first left Suna? -stars in eyes-
Itachi: Sasori was low, but you are lower… mumbles at Ame
Sasori: Yes, actually I haven't aged since then!
Ame: Kakkoi!! (Kakkoi means cool) But you shouldn't have made that stupid puppet around you! You look like an Old Geezer! Otherwise, you're a hunk!
Itachi: He is an old GEEZER!
Ame: Next question: Does your nose grow long when you lie?!
Sasori: -twitches eyes- N-No…
-nose elongates-
Ame: HA! It does when you lie!
Sasori: No it doesn't!!
-Nose gets longer-
Itachi: -moves back in shock- S-Sasori, what the fuck is wrong with that nose of yours!?
Sasori: -tries to pull in his nose but to no avail- N-Nothing!
Itachi: -starts laughing insanely- N-No wonder you never played 'Bluff' or 'Truth or Dare'!!
Ame: -hoots while laughing- Sasori you are too easy!
Itachi: I have to admit, I have one less thing to hate Ame about! I would have never found this out and would have never found a way to torture and black mail you for the rest of your life if it wasn't for her question! -still laughing-
Sasori: -pulls in nose completely- Hmph!
Ame: -wipes tears of laughter- Okay next question: chokes from laughter Okay back to serious business. Do you ever wish to become a real boy- I mean man?
Sasori: I purposely turned myself into a puppet. Why would I want to become a human again, retard?!
Ame: Put one of your broken wooden tooth underneath your pillow and the Fairy God Mother will come and make you human again!
Sasori: Are you like seriously retarded!?! What is your fuckin' problem?!
Ame: Do you brush your teeth or do you put that piece of cloth on your mouth so that people can't smell your stinky breath and see your brown wooden teeth? -asks innocently-
Sasori: -burns in fury- My BREATH DOESN'T STINK! So shut your yap!
Ame: Did you have no friends in your childhood that you sought to puppets?
Sasori: That's a lie! I did have friends when I was young! -folds into a ball and buries head in his legs, mumbling incoherent words of hatred and loneliness-
Ame: Sure… you are just like that Kankurou guy.
Itachi: No wonder I always over heard you talking to yourself… but I knew you would never be insane enough to talk to yourself… you… YOU USED TO BE TALKING TO YOUR PUPPETS!!!!!! -falls back on the chair, head dangling down from the back, laughing tears coming out of the eyes-
Sasori: Uruse! I DONNOT TALK TO MY PUPPETS! Itachi, who's side are you on anyways? -eyes Itachi sarcastically -(Urusai means shut up!)
Itachi: Shikatane, you are making your life hell yourself so don't blame me if I laugh at your stupidity! -tries to control laughter -(Shikatane means "It cannot be helped")
Sasori: Baka yaro, futari tomo! Get off my case!! -fumes in anger- (Baka yaro means you fools/ jerks and futari tomo means both of you)
Ame: Seriously Sasori, you need serious help! Or some wood polish to start with… -giggles-
Sasori: Fuck off! -turns head away-
Ame: Maa maa, you shouldn't get this angry. It is bad for your wooden heart… So I think we should spare our Sasori-danna for some time… Lets bring out my favourite blonde, Deidara!!
-Applause-
-The third light turns on from above and a figure with blonde hair covering the face appears…-
Deidara: -flips his flick- I know I'm the best, yeah…
Ame: -stars in eyes- oh yes you are Deidara-kun!
Itachi: -looks at Deidara sarcastically- Self-praised loser!
Deidara: Don't be jealous, Itachi-kun, yeah. Actually, I am not only praised by my own self, but the whole world praises me!! MUAHAHA!! -closes eyes and starts getting caught up in thought of self…-
Ame: WE LOVE YOU DEIDARA-KUN!! -falls on the ground freakishly-
Itachi: Wimp!
Deidara: I told you already, don't be jealous! -grins- My good looks and hair charms can leave anyone breathless, yeah…
Itachi: … -mumbles under breath- even people like my emo brother…
Ame: So Deidara-kun, what shampoo do you use…?
Deidara: You think I'll tell you, yeah!? It's my own special recipe of egg and Sikakai and yogurt and mustard and cinnamon and 99 different oils and-
Ame: O-Okay that's enough… -looks nervously at how down right freaky Deidara can get about his hair-
Itachi: Hey Deidara, aren't you at all bugged about where you are or how you got here or why you are stuck to the chair?
Deidara: Oh yeah, I totally forgot about that because I was too consumed in myself and my awesomely good looks, yeah. Why am I here?
Ame: You are HERE at my Top Secret 'Completely-Dedicated-to-Akatsuki-interrogation' layer!!
Deidara: Oh yeah, so if it is so secretive, why was there a gigantic and not-so-hidden "Top Secret 'Completely-Dedicated-to-Akatsuki-interrogation' layer, do not disturb" sign outside, yeah?
Ame: Well it is there because- C-Chotto matte yo! How did you know what my layer looks like from the outside??!! (Chotto matte means wait a second)
Deidara: You do know that our Top Secret Akatsuki Hide-out is your neighbor and I have crossed that huge "Top Secret 'Completely-Dedicated-to-Akatsuki-interrogation' layer, Do Not Disturb" sign like everyday! Did you really think it wasn't obvious at all, yeah?? You must really be slow to the head…-eyes Ame like she is a retard-
Ame: Hehe… I purposely made my layer next to yours… It was easier to teleport you here… -nervously holds and rubs hand with hand-
Deidara: Why do I feel like my butt is glued to this chair… -tries to desperately get up and stand-
Sasori: No use, Deidara. She has glued us here with "Super, DUPER Ultra-strong Permanent Steel Special Akatsuki Member Stick Glue"
Deidara: O-Okay... so let me get this straight. You are an obsessed fan who is trying to get us to answer the questions we have never answered before by driving us insane, yeah…?
Ame: Yup… that is exactly who I am and what I am going to do with you people… -beams in pride-
Itachi: Not that I like you or anything Deidara, but your Sasori-danna actually has a nose- gets strangled by Sasori
Deidara: -looks puzzled- What?
Sasori: URUSE!
Itachi: -pushes Sasori aside- His nose grows long when he lies… -starts laughing again-
Deidara: What? Is that true Sasori-danna, yeah?
Sasori: NO! Kore wa uso! -tries to pretend as if nothing will happen- (Kore wa uso means that's a lie!)
-Sasori's nose grows long again-
Deidara: S-Sasori-danna… your nose… its… umm… t-ries to find a more polite way to describe Sasori's nose while his eyes pop out in shock-
-Itachi starts laughing again with Ame-
Deidara: Umm… its… -gives up trying to be decent- Your nose is freakin' fucked up! It's like… so long, yeah! -Laughs hysterically-
Sasori: Not you too, Deidara. Look Ame, ask your stupid questions, I don't like it when people keep me waiting...- tries to ignore the hysterical people beside him-
Deidara: Yeah, you shouldn't keep Sasori-danna waiting… who "NOSE" what he will do to you…!!! -breaks out into another round of laughter with Itachi and Ame-
Itachi: Wait, Wait… what about this? Sasori shouldn't be asked any confidential questions! He "NOSE" too much! -both start laughing again-
Deidara: Yeah, Sasori-danna "NOSE" all!! still… -laughing…-
Sasori: Fuzakeru nai, you three or you are all going to die slow and painful deaths…! (Fuzakeru nai means don't fuck with me)
Ame: -stops laughing- Okay Deidara, next question: Have you ever eaten with those hands of yours?
Deidara: Actually well yeah, yeah! But the taste buds in my hands are really weird so I don't eat from there…
Ame: But your hands cant be directly connected to the esophagus so where does the food go?
Deidara: I don't know… maybe Sasori-danna "NOSE"!!
-Both Itachi and Deidara start laughing again-
Ame: Okay… Now it's getting old. Anyways… you aren't a natural blonde, are you?
Deidara: -suddenly gets serious- I AM TOO! This is my natural hair color, yeah! I get so fuckin' pissed when people doubt my hair color!
Itachi: You are such a girl… maybe that Haruno Sakura gave half her hormones to you or something… -points to Deidara-
Deidara: Yeah, very funny! I care about my looks and hair Itachi-kun! Don't pretend you don't care about your looks! I've seen you standing in front of the mirror for hours, thinking of methods to hide pimples on your face!
Itachi: flames I DON'T HAVE PIMPLES ON MY FACE! I use Neutrogena Anti-Acne for an Acne-less and Perfect skin, plus, it also is Anti-aging to reduce wrinkles and keeps my face rejuvenated 24 hours a day!!
Deidara: SEE! You do care for your skin, yeah! -smirks-
Ame: Itachi-kun, you just sounded like a commercial… -narrows eyes in sarcasm-
Itachi: You are so lucky you have those "state-of-the-art CIA Men In Black glasses of the 21st century" or else… -grits teeth-
Deidara: Yeah, like what is up with those glasses of yours, yeah?
Ame: It protects me from Itachi-kun's super awesome and all-powerful Mangekyou Sharingan…
Deidara: Itachi-kun, is she serious? Could your famous Mangekyou Sharingan actually be outsmarted by something as feeble as those "state-of-the-art CIA Men In Black glasses of the 21st century", yeah? -asks in amazement-
Itachi: grits teeth in anger and annoyance Stupid "state-of-the-art CIA Men In Black glasses of the 21st century"…
Ame: Nee, Deidara-kun… when are you going to finally have a sex change operation…?
Deidara: W-Why would I wanna have that?!?
Ame: I dunno, it's just a frequently unanswered question… -shrugs in annoyance-
Deidara: My fans do tend to ask some freaky questions… -rubs head-
Ame: Okay… enough of this bullshit! Lets bring in another Akatsuki member…-everyone points to the shadow-Hoshigaki Kisame of the Hidden Mist!
-applause-
Kisame: W-Where am I!?! -looks awkwardly at Itachi, Deidara and Sasori...- and why does my butt feel like its stuck to the chair? -awkwardly asks-
Deidara: She has stuck us all with "Super, DUPER Ultra-strong Permanent Steel Special Akatsuki Member Stick Glue" so we don't escape…
Ame: You are in MY evil "Top Secret 'Completely-Dedicated-to-Akatsuki-interrogation' layer"… so fear your worst nightmare…!! -laughs out diabolically-
Kisame: My worst nightmare was fighting that Might Guy dude in a pink mini skirt with white frills on the bottom… -informs-
Ame: Uh… okay…- confused-
Itachi: I did not just hear that… -Sees Ame and Deidara laughing hysterically and glares at Kisame- I am surrounded by buffoons… hits his head with his palm
Deidara: K-Kisame still laughing I could just imagine you with that skirt… and you look… no offense dude but you would look… like a freakin' UGLY HAG!!!!!! -Both Ame and Deidara start laughing-
Kisame: -huffs and turns to Sasori in anger- You don't think that, do you Sasori…?
Sasori: -looks at him for a while… then laughs and is about to say something while shaking his head when-
Itachi: Careful Sasori, I don't think you wanna lie about this by taking Kisame's side… -grins-
Deidara: Yeah, like Sasori-danna, he might know too much… I mean, right now, he "NOSE" nothing… -Itachi and Deidara start laughing again hysterically-
Ame: God that is getting old!
-Sasori looks away while forcing himself to stay quiet-
Kisame: -looks in utter confusion- Would someone fill me in… oh never mind! Why the hell am I in your evil "Top Secret 'Completely-Dedicated-to-Akatsuki-interrogation' layer?
Ame: To be interrogated, duh! It wouldn't take a half wit to understand what happens when your stuck in any evil "Top Secret 'Completely-Dedicated-to-Akatsuki-interrogation' layer…
Kisame: You cant interrogate the Akatsuki… we are the most evil organization in the world! We steel babies…!!! -beams in fury-
Deidara: Uh Kisame… That's not our story, yeah…
Itachi: That's Rumpelstilskin, you dumb fuck! -Looks at Kisame as if he was a retard-
Kisame: Oh.. yeah… I forgot! -looks at Itachi nervously…-
Ame: Right… so my first question to you Kisame… was your mom a shark, or Dad a shark or were you a test tube baby… or did you have DNA mutation or something?? -eyes pop out in curiosity-
Kisame: I'll tell you! It was… umm… wait… I'm remembering… I know this one… It's in the back of my mind… its there…………… -sighs- okay it's not there! I don't know my parents and who was who…
-Itachi and Deidara twitch eyes-
Ame: … Right… okay… next question: Is it true that you had played with 'Bratz' and 'Barbie Repunzel" when you were younger and you used to be a fan of Spice Girls and Brittany Spears…?
Sasori: You better not say-
Kisame: OF COURSE NOT! I NEVER PLAYED WITH 'BRATZ' Or 'Barbie Repunzel'!
Itachi: Finally, someone gives a decent and worthwhile answer… -sighs in relief-
Kisame: 'Barbie Repunzel' is seriously not my type. I had 'Barbie Swan Lake' if you must… if you must… I did not just say that out loud… -closes eyes in embarrassment-
Itachi: Kisame, you are never going to be seen with me again! -backs away from Kisame-
Deidara: I'll pretend I never even heard that and let you go… I think…- twitches eyes like there is no tomorrow-
Ame: Oh GOD I didn't think Itachi-kun's Akatsuki could fall so low as to hire shinobis who played with 'Barbie Swan Lake'!! This is priceless!! -falls on the floor laughing-
Sasori: If you had done something that fuckin'embarrassing while you were a kid, did you have to have to say it OUTLOUD! You disgrace the Akatsuki, Kisame! -growls-
Kisame: What do you mean, "When I was a kid…"… okay I wasn't supposed to say that either… -rubs cheek with index finger-
Deidara: OKAY now I am so NOT gonna pretend I didn't hear that! Boy, Kisame, your future life will so be hell!! You play with DOLLIES!!
Kisame: I didn't say that!! URUSE! Itachi-san, tell him to shut up! -whines-
Itachi: Do I look like your mother or boyfriend that I would start defending you like that, you excuse for an Akatsuki Member! You are SO not my partner anymore… I don't want people to see me with a half human confused shark who STILL plays with Barbies!!
Kisame: -curls up into a ball and starts muffling weird and sharky words-… That's harsh…
Itachi: I so need to talk to the leader to get freakin' pieces of crap outta the Akatsuki!
Deidara: Itachi-kun, you shouldn't say that. -shakes head and finger-
Kisame: Finally, someone takes my side! I love you Deidara-kun!!
Deidara: -looks at Kisame like he's a mad-shark- What you should've said, Itachi-kun, was that you would want to talk to the Leader about getting the 'Freakin' piece of 'girly-girl pink' piece of crap out!
Kisame: U-Uh! chokes
Itachi: My apologies, Kisame, for not addressing to you correctly…
Ame: -still laughing hysterically- each member has something GRAND up his sleeve… like BARBIES!
Kisame: -still looking away-… Urusai!
Ame: Okay, I am gonna come back to you, 'Barbie Swan Lake', but for now, lets welcome the ever-so-hunky-yet-religious dude, Hidan!
-Crowd starts praying and saying Amen-
-Another light is turned on from the side and a figure with his hands clasped is sitting on the chair with his eyes closed-
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Okay I am tired now and my brain has stopped processing not-so-humorous humour which is a desperate attempt for humour… I am going to update soon and this will only have two chapters which are going to be up in exactly 2 days…!!
Thanks and keep reviewing!
JA NE!