Chapter 1

I know I was making the biggest mistake of my life when I left her six months ago. From the moment, I stepped foot in San Francisco it felt wrong. It felt like I was in the wrong place. It felt like I was missing something important. Something very important. I didn't feel whole, and I knew why. But I chose to ignore it, and now I'm paying for my stupidity.

Now, I'm on a goddamn flight from San Francisco to Toronto, and the fucking plane can't get there fast enough. I must see her. I need to see her. I should have never left her in the first place. But I got scared. I never thought I could fall for someone so hard in such a short amount of time, but I did. I love her with every cell in my body. Now I hope I'm not too late to fix things. That phone call from Steve made my heart pound so damn hard. All I can hear right now is the pounding of my heart. All I can do is think of the last time I saw Gail…

Six months earlier

"So, you're leaving in two weeks, Holly? San Francisco?" Gail whispered as she rubbed her hands down her face. I couldn't stop the tear that rolled down my face. Just five minutes ago her future looked so promising. But not only promising but maybe even fantastic.

Gail looked like if her heart was breaking piece by painful piece. She kept rubbing her chest. Like if there was a dull pain there now and she was trying to make it feel better by rubbing it.

I could tell she was so excited to tell me about her intent to adopt Sophie, to have her meet me. Gail wanted to have me be a part of their lives, as her significant other, not as a friend. It looks like what I had hoped and prayed for all these months before had finally come true. It had finally gotten through Gail's thick skull that I had always been more than just her friend.

"Come with me?," I asked hopefully.

"Why don't you tell me you were even considering a change in location?" Gail snapped back as she bore those beautiful ice blue eyes into me.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. I didn't know what to do. The job offer had come out of nowhere. I didn't go looking for this. At the same time, I never went looking for Gail; and here we were.

"Gail, it came out of nowhere. The head of the lab read some of my science articles, looked me up, and decided that I would be a good fit for his team. He's doing groundbreaking research. It's a dream job. You know?," I said quietly.

"So, it's what you want?" Gail whispered as a tear ran down her face.

Seeing that single tear roll down her face made a boulder get lodged in my throat. All I could do was close my eyes, ball my hands into very tight fists, and restrain myself from going to her, and wrap my arms around her. I know that this time that just wouldn't be enough, but at the same time her eyes seemed to be pleading with me to try to make it better. They were pleading with me to try to fix this whole mess. It was as much my fault as it was hers. I just don't know how.

I took a chance and walked over to where she was standing. I could immediately tell she was stiff as a board and that she was desperately trying to get her defenses to go up again. Those beautiful blue eyes I love so much looked stormy, and I could tell she was trying hold back her tears.

I took a tentative forward so that I was in her immediate space. I wrapped my arms slowly around her waist, pulled her into me, and nuzzled my face into her neck. I took a deep breath and couldn't help but to close my eyes. Inviting the unmistakable scent of Gail Peck to seep into my entire body because I wanted it to be a part of me. I wanted to be able to remember it. Always. Because this little small moment might be all, I get.

It felt like it was an eternity, but finally, I felt Gail wrap her arms around my neck and hugged me for all she was worth. She buried her face into my chest and grabbed the back of my shirt. She was holding onto me so tight. It seemed like she was afraid to let go for just a second. She seemed afraid maybe that I would disappear or leave. Just as everyone in her past had done and as I was getting ready to do.

Damn, damn, damn. I was getting ready to do the same thing everyone else in her life had done to her. Leave her without a second thought. And with that, my tears just started to run down my face, and I began trembling in her arms. I couldn't stop or hide my reaction, even if I'd tried.

I pushed her away from me a little and tilted up her head so that I could see those beautiful ice blue eyes. What I saw broke my heart. All I saw was pain and, at the same time, love. The way she looked at me made me feel like she was doing the same thing I was. We were both trying to absorb every last detail of the woman standing in front of you (us). So that on those lonely nights when you're going insane because you miss your love so much, you can force your mind to access these memories. And hopefully, they'll be enough to help you keep your sanity. At least for that one night.

Gail cupped my face so gently and then started caressing both sides of my jaw. She was so sweet; her caresses were so soft. I feel her wipe away my tears and she whispered, "Holly, all I want you is to be happy. So, if San Francisco is what will make you happy, then I'll support you all the way. In the end, this whole mess is my fault. I never actually gave you a reason to want to stay here."

That made me angry, and it made me realize that maybe Gail had grown a little. She was thinking of me first, but I can't stand it when she puts herself down. I put my hands around her waist and pull her to me until she was flush against me, then I squeezed her hips so that she would look at me, and then I said, "This whole mess is not just your fault, Gail. I think I had a pretty good hand in fucking this up as much as you did. So, stop just blaming yourself."

Gail just turned away from me and murmured, "It's mostly my fucking fault we wasted so much time. And nothing you can say is going to change that."

With that, she pulled away from me and walked to the exit of the locker room. My heart started to throb even more when I heard her softly say, "You deserve the best, Holly. You always have. Hopefully now, that you've stopped wasting your time on me, you'll be able to find the person that truly deserves you. I'm sorry I can't stand being with you for these last two weeks. I just can't. I'm just not strong enough."

With that, she walked out of the fucking locker room without as much as looking back. In the meantime, I fell on my knees and sobbed as I had never sobbed before.

At the airport, I desperately scanned the crowd as I stalled to board the flight that would take me away from Gail. Stalling, till the last possible moment to board the plane; praying that I would look back and get a glimpse of platinum blonde hair and icy blue eyes. But I didn't see her; I just put my head down, gave my boarding pass to a lovely lady at the door, and was the last one to board the flight.

I snap back into reality when the air steward asks me if I want a drink. I just mumble, "Jack and coke." Once she serves me my drink, I swallow it in one gulp, and I ask for another before she leaves. After the third, she says she can't serve me anymore. They have a limit. I don't say another word and close my eyes.

As soon as I do that, the same mantra that I've been repeating over and over again start up again. No, no, this is NOT happening. It can't be happening.

I'm living my very worst nightmare. I'm sitting on a crowded plane counting the seconds to land in Toronto, Canada finally. For the millionth time, reciting the same chant in my head since I got the phone call from Steven Peck.

"No, no, this is NOT happening. It can't be happening. There has to be a mistake. It can't be my Gail in critical condition at University Hospital," I recite it in my head as I try to get a grip, and not fall apart on the damn plane. I rub my eyes with shaking hands and look at my watch for the millionth time. Willing it to go faster. So, that I can finally get out of this fucking plane and run to Gail.

My Gail.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. How did this happen?" I mutter under my breath. I didn't get any details from Steve when he called. I didn't even ask where she'd been shot on purpose. I don't want to be thinking about the injury, and all the possible complications. All he said was "Holly; this is Steve Peck. Gail's been injured in the line of duty. It's bad, Holly. She's asking for you."

"I'm on my way," was all I was able to croak out. A lump as big as a boulder had begun to form in my throat as soon as Steve said, "injured in the line of duty." I grabbed my bag, stopped at my boss's office, said I had to get home because of a family emergency, and ran out of the lab. I didn't even wait to hear if my boss said if it was okay or not. I simply didn't give a damn. I got in my car and sped to the airport. I didn't even take the time to pack a bag. No time. I had to get home ASAP.

That's how I find myself on a red-eye to Toronto. I got the last seat, and it cost me an arm and a leg, but I didn't blink. I just plunked down my credit card and told the lady behind the counter to hurry. The flight wouldn't leave for four hours. Damn, damn was all I could think, and when the lady behind the counter asked for my passport. Whatever blood I still had in my face drop to my feet. Passport? Fuck. I begged the lady to give me still the ticket; I convinced her that I would run home and be back with the passport in time for the flight. Thankfully, the lady took pity on me and gave me the ticket.

I got back to the airport an hour before the flight. I was barely able to clear customs in time to catch the plane. I don't know what I would have done if I had missed it.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are 15 minutes away from landing at Toronto International Airport. I just want to thank you for flying with us," the pilot says over the speaker.

All I can do is sigh in some relief and run my hands through my hair.

"I'm almost home, baby," I whisper under my breath. Fuck, I made the biggest mistake of my life leaving you. When it comes down to it, you're my home.

Another two hours pass before I'm finally through customs. Apparently, traveling without any luggage is a huge red flag. The minute I get passed them I start running towards the baggage claim. That's where Steve said he'd be waiting for me to take me to my Gail.

When I finally see him, I can't help but run into his arms and hug him for all I was worth. The tears I have been trying to control finally start to run down my face.

"Holly, thanks for coming so fast," Steve murmurs into my shoulder.

I just nod. After a minute, I'm finally able to let him go, and tearfully ask, "How is she?"

Steve just grabs my elbow and starts to briskly walk me out from the airport to his patrol car. As he opens the door for me, I stop him and cry out, "How is she, Steve? Is she dead?"

That got Steve's attention. He rubs his hands over his red rim eyes and says, "No, she's not dead. She's still in critical condition."

Hearing that makes more tears run down my face, but this time they are tears of pure relief. Gail's alive.

"Holly, I think there's something you need to see," Steve mumbles softly as tears well up in his eyes.

"What?" I ask impatiently; as if anything was more important than getting to Gail. All I wanted was to get to the damn hospital.

Steve's shoulders slump as he opens the back of the police car and pulls out a worn brown journal of some sort. He silently hands it to me. Steve quietly says, "You need to read that, Holly. Gail never stopped loving you."

When I'm finally able to focus on the journal, my tears start to run down my face again profusely. There was a picture of my pathology bag, the one that Gail says is my lunchbox. Underneath the picture of the bag, she had pasted a strip of white paper and written "Lunchbox."

My hands tremble as I open the book. On the first page, there was a picture of me sleeping in bed. I can't stop the blush from coming on. Under the picture, Gail had written, "Just so gorgeous, so perfect."

As I thumb the book, I can see that Gail had practically printed every photo she had of me on her phone. On the bottom, she'd always written something. On other pages, there were some of my papers that had been published after I left Toronto. She even had some news articles from San Francisco papers where I was merely mentioned or where I was quoted. And every so often, she would write me a short or long letter.

The first one that caught my eye was the one dated the day after I left:

Dear Holly,

You've only been gone 20 hours, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop missing you. I honestly don't know how I'm ever going to get through this. I know I told you that I didn't want to see you anymore after that one night, but that was bold face lie. Sometimes after my shifts were done, and, if I knew you were still working, I would wait in the morgue parking lot so that I could just get a glimpse of you. Stalks and pathetic, huh?

I even went to the airport, and discreetly watched you get on the plane. It took every fiber in my body not to run to you, and drag you from the airport while ripping up your ticket. Selfish, huh? Just thinking about me, and not thinking about what was best for you. Thankfully, I was able to control myself. I couldn't stop the tears. I made a total ass myself in front of all those strangers. I was surprised security wasn't called. I stayed there till the plane took off and went straight home. And tried to drown my sorrow in tequila. All that did was make me worse and gave me the worst hangover of my life. I'm such a fucking mess.

I don't deserve you, I never did. You're so much better than me. You deserve the best. Not a broken girl that can't even work things out like an adult. I fucked everything up, and it's only fair I pay for it. You will forever be my biggest regret.

I hope that you make all your dreams come true; that you find someone that truly deserves you. You're going to be awesome, Lunchbox. I know you are.

Thank you, for making me a better person. That's what you did. You're the one person who's truly loved me for what I am, and doing that made me want to be a better person. I just hope I don't revert to my old self now, that you're gone. I'm going to try not to do that. I promise, Lunchbox, I'll always try to remember everything you taught me.

Always yours,

G

P.S. I just can't talk to anybody about how I was feeling. You were the one that I would ever trust with these ramblings. I just can't keep them in. I feel like I'm about to fall apart and that just wouldn't do. So, I got this journal, or whatever it is, where I can vent to my heart's content. I'm hoping it helps. Good night, Nerd.

I look up and desperately try to wipe the tears away, but I fail miserably.

I whisper tearfully, "She went to the airport? She was keeping up with me. She was missing me as much as I missed her."

Steve hugs me tightly and whispers, "Read when you can. You need to know what's in that battered journal. Since you left, she never let it out of her sight."

I just nod, slip into the front seat of the patrol car and hug the ragged journal as tightly as I would hug my Gail. I then simply mumble, "Turn on the damn sirens and get me to my love."

Steve simply nods and drives.

The car doesn't even come to a stop when I open the door. I run into the emergency entrance. I don't even give Steve a chance to tell me where she is. I run to the nurse's desk and say out of breath, "I'm here to see Gail Peck."

"You are?" the nurse asks.

I fist my hands in impatience and bark out, "Dr. Holly Stewart, where is Gail Peck?"

That gets the nurse's attention, she looks up from her computer screen, and says, "ICU room 4."

And with that; I'm off and running. I'm very familiar with the hospital. That's where I had done my residency after all. So, I run up the six flights and into a wall of blue uniforms. I pushed them out of my way and ran into her room. That's where my legs finally give out on me, and all I can do is sob uncontrollably. I don't cry just because of Gail's condition. But for being the stupidest woman on earth, for ever leaving her one true love in the first place.