The world went black for a fraction of a second as I flinched against the loud buzzing sound the door made when it opened. After six months of working this meaningless job, you'd think I would've gotten used to it.
One thing I was used to was sneaking my work home with me, so I confidently passed security and made my way to my car.
I suppose I should explain my new job. After being fired from the lab for my frequent stress-related sick days, the only work I could find was with some new, twisted variation of the Federal Communications Commission. Ever since Lord Darcia took over, only certain types of music were allowed to be played within his domain (and often many neighboring parts of the world, megalomaniac that he is). My coworkers and I listen to all kinds of songs to make sure they have no hint of anarchy, love, free thinking, or other radical ideas he so highly disapproves of.
I've often wondered if I'm the only one who ever figured out that it was possible to transfer audio files to those archaic music devices that are too old for our security devices to detect. MP3, I think it was called. Of course, this information didn't matter to me until I realized I actually liked some of the music that didn't slip through the cracks of our security system. Beyond that it was only a matter of having nothing to lose in bringing it home with me.
Today's song was just one of the hundred-plus that I'd reviewed: "Teardrops on My Guitar," by Taylor Swift. I hadn't actually listened to the words, but the tune was catchy and I was in a quiet mood tonight.
When I got home, I said hello to my plants as usual, called up my friend Jack Daniels, and curled up on the couch with those old ear buds my grandmother used to wear when she made it a point to defy the ban on music altogether. I had to read around the cracks on the screen and the buttons wouldn't respond immediately, but eventually I found the song I'd picked out today and started listening to it.
As I listened, I drank, and after hearing it a few times over on "repeat," I began to connect to it for reasons I couldn't quite understand. Then a pair of striking blue eyes flashed into my mind, and I understood and began to change the lyrics accordingly:
"Blue looks at me. I fake a smile so she won't see that I want and I'm needing everything that we should be."
I never told anybody about my closeness to Blue. It's hopeless and wrong and a sin against nature. Not that we're both female, but that we're not the same species. When I touch her, she's no longer human.
"I'll bet he's wonderful, that guy she talks about, and he's got everything that I have to live without."
Hige does have a lot that I don't have, despite the fact that he's the wandering out there in the snow somewhere. She sees something in him I never will. And he's got her. He's got everything.
"Blue talks to me. I laugh 'cause it's so damn funny that I can't even see anyone when she's with me."
I remember the first time I noticed how I felt about her... All I remember are her eyes.
"She says she's so in love, she's finally got it right. I wonder if she knows she's all I think about at night."
She really is. I've had so many wonderful dreams about her, not necessarily sex dreams, just about us being together. She just has this way of setting me free, and she has no idea. Though I'll never admit it, under pain of death, my life scares the living hell out of me. Looking into her eyes is all that takes that fear and doubt and grief away from me.
"She's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar, the only one who keeps me wishing on a wishing star. She's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do."
It's so incredibly wrong for me to love her... but I can't seem to help it. I can't really define what pulls me to her; all I can say is... she's an angel.
"Blue walks by me. Can she tell that I can't breathe? And there she goes, so perfectly, the kind of flawless I wish I could be."
I will never understand how she mesmerizes me the way she does, and even though it's painful to love her so much, I feel like I have to. I'm addicted to her, but... secretly. I halfway hope she never finds out, because then she'd have to go through the process of rejecting me, which I know she doesn't want to do, in case she hurts me. That's why I hate myself for this... I'm so selfish, for wanting to tell her. I have to keep reminding myself that... I just can't.
"He'd better hold her tight, give her all his love, look in those beautiful eyes, and know he's lucky, 'cause..."
Those beautiful eyes... This is my new "I love Blue" devotional song.
"So I drive home alone..."
Always alone.
"As I turn out the light, I'll put her picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight."
It's a good thing I don't have a picture of her. It's a good thing cameras were made illegal seventeen years ago, or else I'd never get any sleep.
"She's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar, the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart. She's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do. She's the time taken up, but there's never enough, and she's all that I need to fall into..."
No... I can't have her here with me. She has Hige. She loves Hige. Hige loves her. I love her too, but... she's happy with that jerk. I don't mind wasting my life in a fantasy, as long as she's in it.
"Blue looks at me. I fake a smile so she won't see..."