Closer to the Edge

by mouse555

There's a time for love, and a time for regret...a time for looking back on ones life and righting wrongs. Will it be too late for Jasper to fix what was broken, to close the door on the past before it's too late? Jasper AH, rated M.

Closer to the Edge:

No I'm not saying I'm sorry

One day maybe we'll meet again

No I'm not saying I'm sorry

One day maybe we'll meet again

No no no no

I will never forget

No no

I will never regret

No no

I will live my life

Title: Closer to the Edge
Author: HeartOfDarkess and Mouse555
Rating: M
Summary: As Jasper begins to fade, faces from his past become clearer.
Warnings: Grab a big box of tissues
Banner Link: .
Banner Designer: Christag Banners

Author Note: This story was inspired more by the title of the 30 Seconds to Mars song of the same name than the lyrics, until we read the ones at the beginning. Hope you enjoyed it. As usual, we have to say that neither of us own Twilight, but mouse does have a bit of a crush on Jackson Rathbone (only a small one) and HeartOfDarkess owns mouse's affections

~JASPER~

I couldn't go on with the lie my life had become. I had to tell her the truth. No, I owed her the truth. She needed to know that, as much as I loved, love, her, she was never 'the one'. I had to tell her that... that...she was and always would be second best.

I closed my eyes and remembered, then I began to tell her. Everything.

~CttE~

It all began in the playground...everything happened in that playground. I remember sitting on the swings when they were brand new and I felt so proud of myself being the first kid on the block to have a go on them.

It felt like I was flying, I was weightless. Then, in the blink of an eye, I was bleeding. I'd slipped and bashed up my knees. I was so brave, and I didn't cry or anything...well, not so that the other kids would notice, anyway.

Eyes soft and warm watched me from the shadows on the other side of the playground as I hastily wiped tears and snot off my face onto the sleeve of my jacket, but when I looked back up...there was no-one there.

But I knew, something or someone was there, offering me comfort from a distance.

And I felt safe.

~CttE~

I had to stop thinking about my life back then. It still hurt too much. Plus, she ordered me to rest, telling me I could continue tomorrow. Her voice was void of emotion, her obvious frustration about our situation shining through. Besides, what if tomorrow never came for me? I needed to tell her everything, but she refused to listen anymore. Even after she walked out of the room switching all the lights off, her cold silence speaking volumes as the door clicked shut, I had no choice, I had to sleep.

My dreams that night were full of a face in the distance. I willed it to come closer, but it never did. It was a face I'd never thought I'd see again. A face that filled me with a warmth I hadn't felt in many years. Too many. For once I had a full night's sleep without waking numerous times wracked with pain and guilt.

Waking up to bright sunshine was also something alien to me. For years I had been confined to my bed so I kept the curtains clamped closed so that I couldn't see what I was missing, but now I wanted to actually go outside. Maybe continue my tale in the sunshine.

She brought my breakfast to my room, and was momentarily surprised that I'd elected to get up and open the drapes to let the light in, usually preferring to shut the world out, but not today. Today was a special day, after all.

She gave me a quick kiss as she set my tray down over my lap as she had done every day these past weeks,ever since I'd been sent home, her normally loving, kind nature giving way to inklings of resentment and exhaustion. I couldn't blame her. After all, I'd become a shadow of my former self, and had nothing to offer her but a future filled with uncertainty. The only thing I had left to hold onto, the only thing that offered me any sort of solace was the past, and as I sat there, my stomach churning as I inhaled the off-putting smell of oatmeal and honey, I picked up my juice and began downing the cocktail of pills that were my constant companion.

I watched her walk out of the room to go and do what it was she did in other rooms of our home, which now felt more like a prison. I noticed her fuller figure and wondered when she had morphed from girl into woman. Had I changed that much? I still felt like the sixteen year old boy that had his heart broken and never recovered.

As the sun streamed in, it's rays reminding me of the angel I'd known long ago, tears welled in my eyes as the regret for all the years I'd wasted living a half-life weighed heavily, all the decisions I'd made bringing me to this point, making me question everything.

How I longed for a simple, uncomplicated life where those you loved never left you behind to wither and die. How I dreamed for the ghosts of my past to rest in peace, fearing that every choice I made back then left others I loved to pay the ultimate price.

How I wished for you to be here with me, right here, right now.

But, no amount of wishing would ever change what had come to pass.

"Happy Birthday, love," I whispered as the tears streamed, blurring my already ailing vision.

I needed to be where I could picture you, where I could sense you the strongest. She had gone out to run some errands. As quickly as I could, I climbed out of the bed and pulled on some clothes without paying attention to what I wore. Within thirty minutes, I was outside breathing in real fresh air, and it was far bettr than the oxygen I had to inhale through the mask that reeked of burnt rubber.

I took my time walking along the uneven footpath until I reached the deserted expanse of overgrown weeds. The frames of the swings rusted over time, but still strong enough to support my plummeting weight as I sat on the swing for a moment before moving to the relative safety of the bench that overlooked the whole area.

"I should never have left you," I said remorsefully as I sat hunched and withering, two rungs of timber missing, the stock-standard green paint peeled away long ago from years of neglect. Much like my life, this place had fallen to ruin, and was condemned to become something unnatural...a multi-level office building, the only piece of green in this neighborhood destined to be gone forever.

Why did everything have to have a use-by date?

Why was my life broken and worn, filled with nothing but a void I could never hope to fill, my hopes, dreams and desires dashed many years before?

What did I expect to find by coming back here?

"I miss you," I whispered into the void, shivering and cold as I huddled into myself, my disintegrating body barely able to hold itself up as I closed my eyes. Memories flooded my every thought as I remembered the first time I saw you as you quietly sat in the vacant swing next to me...the image of thick, dark hair, alabaster skin, your smile as warm as sunshine, clear as if it had just happened yesterday.

~CttE~

I had spent every day since feeling your presence in that park, sitting on the swing, waiting for you to be real. I wasn't sure if I had imagined you, so I wanted to prove to myself and the world that you weren't an apparition.

And as you opened your mouth, your plump, beautiful lips creeping into an uncertain smile as you asked me if I was okay, a spark of warmth and comfort that I never knew existed before blanketed me and held me close. And that's when I knew it. I'd found my other half.

We became instant friends, you and I, and belonged together, just like peas and carrots. That was how you had described our friendship. It still makes me hungry, remembering your voice when you said that, watching as you always rubbed your stomach while your infectious laughter filled my ears, made me smile.

The way you accepted me like it was no big deal never ceased to amaze and inspire me. Back then, I favored my own company to that of others, much preferred reading than socializing, and I didn't move in the popular circles at school. You made me feel like I was a little bit less of a freak, and it didn't matter quite as much as it used to that the other kids thought I was the gangly weirdo loner with legs too long for his body, and who wore a retainer to fix an overbite.

From that moment on, we did everything together. You were new in town which enabled me to show off my pitiful street smarts, and then, when you arrived at school at the beginning of the week, my heart swelled. I could be with you there too, all day, every day.

As we grew older, we grew closer...sharing every milestone. As cliché as it sounds, there was no-one I'd have rather done it all with. All the awkward moments as we both struggled through puberty garnered us unwanted attention from the kids at school, but the only attention we wanted was from each other. We were the only ones who mattered in our little bubble.

Then there was the playground. It was always there. None of the other kids thought it was the 'cool place' to be, so it became ours. I can't think about it without thinking about you, even now. Even after all these years.

I can still smell the salt in your tears when you told me how scared you were that I would leave you when you admitted how you felt. The tears I shed when I returned those sentiments were ones of pure relief. We hugged for what felt like hours before that first, tentative kiss.

I honestly thought I was going to explode in those few minutes. All too soon, it was over and I shivered from the lack of contact. My lips already missed your warm ones. My serenity was jolted by the clank of the chains of the swings as you swayed slightly, a small smile on your face.

From that moment on, we spent most of our time 'perfecting our technique' as you described it. Every moment we could, we showed each other how we felt and though we tried to hide what we meant to one another, our parents became concerned about how close we had become. By the time your fifteenth birthday came around, and I gave you a friendship ring as a gift, they'd worked out that we were much more than friends. To say they were shocked would be an understatement. They thought our relationship was too intense for ones as young as us, and they used every trick in the book they could to try and keep us apart.

~CttE~

I woke up to find myself unable to move. She was in the chair beside the bed, my hand clenched within hers, her head resting on the soft covers, fast asleep. As I cleared my throat, her head flew up. I was getting worse, I knew it. She didn't have to tell me, it was in her eyes.

I managed to sit up. I needed to tell her the rest about... She had to know the truth before it was too late. She wanted me to wait, to work on some sort of recovery from the turn for the worse that I couldn't remember. Why couldn't she understand that there wasn't going to be much more recovery for me? This was the beginning of the end...I just knew it.

She wouldn't let me go outside for fear that I would 'run away' again. I assured her that she wouldn't need to come looking for me again. No...I'd said my goodbyes to the playground…and to my past.

~CttE~

We always managed to find each other. Our parents still insisted we were too young, in too deep and that we needed to step back from each other. They didn't understand that we were two halves of a whole. We couldn't be apart. It simply hurt too much.

The worst part of our enforced separation was the curfew. Neither of us had really been the type to stay out all hours without contact with our parents, but to be told to be home at a certain time just so we couldn't have too long together was taking it too far. I became an expert at shimmying down the drainpipe next to my bedroom window so we could sit at the end of my garden and just be together.

We were caught more than once, but it didn't dampen the burning need we had to be together. Why couldn't they just leave us to get on with our lives?

Then, the day before my sixteenth birthday, my world was shattered. Why did it have to be you? Why couldn't it be someone else? Was the whole world against us being together? In that moment, we decided we would make the most of the time we had left regardless of what anyone else thought or said.

~CttE~

I pulled my eyes away from my hands that were clasped in my lap to look at her face. I was shocked to see that she was crying. I guess I didn't think about how my story would affect her. Then she shocked me even more... she told me she'd always known. Not the details, but that she wasn't the one for me. She'd always suspected that my heart, and sometimes my mind, belonged to another.

I couldn't believe it. Throughout our time together, she'd always been loving and attentive. The only time we ever really argued was whenever the subject of children was raised. I couldn't commit to that, knowing that I had essentially settled for second best. She was born to be a mother, but that was the one thing I could never give her, and because of my decision, she will be alone.

~CttE~

It wasn't long until the effects began to ravage your body and as our last winter together closed in, your skin became pasty, and your eyes bloodshot, the sparkle within them dulling with each passing day. And then one afternoon, as we met at our usual place, you decided to tell me you loved me, your confession giving me the best early Christmas gift ever.

Of course you beat me to the punch, because I had planned to do something special that day, and as I smiled and professed I felt the same, and we held each other close, you made me a promise that I knew you couldn't keep. You told me that though treatment had ceased, and that they had sent you home as there was nothing more they could do, you vowed to see the holiday out. I told you, as I reached into my pocket and handed you a small box beautifully wrapped in dark blue paper and a red bow, that I couldn't wait a moment longer, and wanted you to be mine in every way possible, even if for just a brief moment in time. If it was to be our last winter together, I needed our love to be acknowledged, even if the trees, the bench and swings in our playground were the only witnesses. It didn't matter that our families were against it. It didn't matter that we were too young. The only thing that mattered in that moment was that you were mine, and I was yours.

As you opened the gift, revealing two silver rings, the inside of each ring engraved with the words 'forever within each other's hearts' I got down on one knee and placed the ring on your long, delicate finger, asking you to be mine. You smiled that smile of yours, your pale lips cracking and bleeding as you said yes, that one word making me the happiest boy alive.

And then, in that playground, as snow fell softly on your hair, clung to your long dark lashes and rested on your shoulders, the heavens blessing our union, we professed our undying love for one another…a love that we vowed would even transcend death. And as you nervously placed my ring on my finger and we sealed our promises with a kiss, clinging to each other desperately, I knew in that moment I never wanted to let you go.

You lost your battle on New Year's Eve. We spent our last moments together waiting for the ball to drop and as I sat by your side, your entire family gathered around the TV as the countdown began, you took one last, deep breath before you rested your head on my shoulder and slipped away quietly into the night.

~CttE~

The relief that surged through my wasted body at finally telling her the truth was like getting into a warm bath on a cold winter's day. I felt extremely guilty for deceiving her all those years, but she assured me that as she'd always known deep down I loved someone else, it wasn't true deceit. She had entered our relationship and our marriage with the suspicion that she couldn't completely satisfy me. I asked why she did that, and her answer was simply that she had enough love for the both of us.

Then, she got angry, telling me I should have told her sooner, because maybe then she would have had a chance to meet someone else, have children even. Her rage soon gave way to tears and apologies, the regret and sadness etched in her features. I tried to reassure her that she still could have that when I was gone, but she insisted she was too old before she stood and left the room. I wanted to follow her, right my wrongs and somehow make her understand that her life wasn't over just because of her age, but I knew she wouldn't listen. Not yet, anyway.

She eventually returned, bringing my lunch with her. She even apologized, which I refused to accept. She had nothing to be sorry for. It was all on me…all my fault. We sat and talked for hours and I made her promise to live her life after I was gone. I knew there wasn't much time left, and I wanted to make sure she would be happy. Maybe I was easing my own conscience, but this was something I needed to do for her. She had sacrificed so much to be with me, and it was her time to shine.

Finally, we made our peace and I could feel my body starting to give up, almost as if it had been waiting for this moment. Waiting for me to tie up all the loose ends, so to speak. My grip on her hand began to loosen, and we both knew that it was time.

Out of the corner of my eye, a strange shimmering light caught my attention. Was this the infamous 'light at the end of the tunnel' that people spoke of? The light continued to shimmer until it finally took shape. The gasp that escaped me was the final breath my body experienced as I took hold of Riley's hand. He still looked like the boy I fell in love with, all those years ago.

"Jasper, I've been waiting so long…"

A/N: We'd love to hear your thoughts. Xxx Mouse555/HeartOfDarkess.