Disclaimer: I only own my writing and Lily, the OC.
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Chapter 1- Near
"HEEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!!! GUESS WHAT I HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lily shouted at the top of her lungs.
"What is it that you have obtained?" Near asked in his usual monotone.
"Awwwwww... you're the only one here?" Lily whined.
".........It appears so." Near replied.
"Well, then... you'll just have to be the harbinger of doom to everyone else... and the FIRST VICTIM!!!!!!"
"...What?..." Near said, but his thought was cut short as he was tackled by Lily.
He said nothing, but inwardly was very startled, because god forbid he show emotions.
"We're going to the store!" declared Lily. "Hmmmmm..." she said thoughtfully, "...but first we need to get you properly dressed." Suddenly she whipped out a shirt that said "Yes, I AM GAY." on it and pulled it over his head.
"What...?" Near said quietly as he fingered the bright, neon shirt.
"Time to go buy your mood ring!!!!" Lily cheered, dragging Near behind her all the way to the store on the corner.
"HEEEEELLLLLLOOOOOOO MANAGER-MAN-PERSON!!!!!!!!!!" she said to the guy that ran the store.
"Oh god, not you again..." the depressed man said glumly. "Nice, you brought a friend... who's gay... apparently..."
"YESSSSSS!!!!!! HE IS GAAAYYYYYY!!!!! AND PROUD OF IT!!!!!!" Lily shouted.
"Yeah, yeah, wattaya want now?" the man grumbled.
"My friend here needs a mood ring for the benefit of all others around him!" Lily told him gleefully.
"........Whatever." the man said, leaving to get a mood ring.
"You never told me." Near said, whispering.
"What?" Lily asked.
"You never told me what you had."
"Oh silly silly Nia, that would spoil the surprise!" she said happily. "And I'm sorry I'm torturing you, but it found something I simply couldn't resist!"
"Wha-" Near started, but was interrupted by the annoying man who ran the store.
"Here'syourringnowbye." he said, pushing them out of the store.
"But, don't you want your money?" Lily questioned.
"NO, JUST LEAVE YOU GAY FREAKS!!!!!!" he shouted from behind his now looked doors.
"YOU'RE AN ANTI-GAY MEANIE!!!!!! AND I'M A GIRL, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!" Lily shouted back.
"......" said Near.
They shouted back and forth for an hour, then Near had to drag Lily back to the SPK headquarters. As soon as they got there Near quickly started looking around for his figures representing everyone, he needed to have them.
"Oh, YAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!" Lily yelled. "YOUR GONNA PLAY WITH YOUR DOLLS!!!!!! HOW CUUUUUUUUUTE!!!!!" she cheerfully yelled, plopping down next to him and grabbing the Mello and Near dolls. She then tilted them and made them make out. "AAAAAWWWWWWWZZZZZZ... HOW KAAWWWWWAAAAAIIIIII!!!!!!!"
".........What is wrong with you today?"
She looked at him for a minute... then proceeded to jump on his leg.
"................ o_O"
She continued jumping until...
"Ow." Near said unemotionally
She gasped, "I GOTTA CALL MA FRENDS!!!!!" she exclaimed. "Er, wait... friend...BUT STILL!!!!!!!!" she added, dialing the number.
"WILLLLLOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! OH EM GEE! You will not be-leve wat just happened!!!! Yeah, so I was like jumping on Near's leg right and then I kept jumping and then he went like OW! and I was LIIIIIKE OMIGOSH!!!!!! because it's like Near has emotions?!?!?!?! I KNOW!!!!! So like I was like OH EHM GEE I have to like call Willow and like tell her about this!!!!" Lily exitedly told Willow.
"......" Willow said, "Are you ok?"
"Near... can I have some friendship advice?"
"...No."
"Why?"
"...Because I have no advice to give."
"Why?"
"Because I have no friends."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"Why?
".....Shut up."
"Are you okay Lily?" Willow asked.
"YESI'MTOTALLYFINEBYENOW!!!!!!"
Silence filled the room. Near stood up, mumbling about cleaning up his leg.
Lily gasped openmouthed and pointed at him as he stood up.
"THIS IS MADNESS!!!!!!" she shouted.
Suddenly the Kool-Aid Man burst through the wall and yelled "Madness... THIS, IS... SPARTAAAA!!!!!!!! THIS, IS, SPARTAAAAA!!!!"
Then techno music began playing in the background and the Kool-Aid Man continued to scream about how this, was, SPARTAAAAAA, Lily joined him. Near was very confused.
As the Kool-Aid Man left Lily, panting, walked over to Near.
"So... just curious, but... are you a seme or an uke?" she casually said.
Near stared at her. "Well, seme... I guess, since I'm a boy."
"Aww, little seme!!!" Lily cooed.
"But I'm not gay." Near said.
"Oh... so you're the uke?"
"No, I just told you that-"
"Aww, the uke is stuttering!"
"But-"
"Look, are you seme or uke? Easy question. Aren't you a genius or something? You should know this!"
"I already told you that I'm not-"
"The seme? Yeah, I got that."
"But I already said that!"
"Now the little uke has lost it. You make no sense... Yeah, put the 10 foot lava lamp riiiight there, boys. Thanks."
"WHAT?!?!?!?"
"Near... you have let yourself go. You need to regain control and come to terms with your being an uke."
"I'M NOT UKE!!!!!!!"
"Geez, someone's making up for something...It's okay to be uke, Near."
".........."
"Your seme, then?"
".........."
"Oh, OH!!! I guess you don't want to talk about it then..."
"About what...?"
"You being neither a seme nor an uke of course! You're a he-she, right?!"
"........... Rester, Gevanni. Shoot her please."
"HAHAHA! They aren't here! They're covered in peanut butter and tape!!!!!!
There's no escape!!!!!! HAHAHA, I rhymed!!!!"
"............. Do you think I can commit suicide with toys Optimus Prime?"
"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!!" the "magical -cough, hallucination, cough- toy
answered.
"I could hold my breath..."
"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!"
"Is there any way I can kill myself and escape this torture, Optimus Prime?"
"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!"
"Is that all you can say?"
"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!"
"I hate you." then he threw the toy across the room.
5 minutes later, he was making out with it.
While he did that, Lily lined up his collection of dice to read "YER GONNA GET YER ASS RAPED CHIELD"
"NEAR!!!!!! QUIT EATING YOUR ONLY FRIEND AND COME LOOK AT THIS!!!!"
"......... oh.... really?" Near said, looking at the message. But Lily was too busy hacking into his computer to answer, and at this point, Near didn't care. He began to pick up his dice. That sounds nasty.
He was almost finished when Lily called him over.
"I've gone over your Kira case data... L is ashamed."
"L is here?!?!?!"
"No, I called him."
"You has phone?!?!?"
"No, I blew it up."
"......"
"Oh, and I screwed up your computer. You have to fix it."
"Oh..."
While Near was busy with the computer, Lily managed to lubricate all his toys with cooking oil and gather supplies (such as a blanket, Kira marionettes, rope, and a chair) (duh-duh-DUH!!)
"OOOHHHHH NIIIIIIAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" Lily warbled. "LOOOOK WHAT I GOT CHU!!!!!"
""Is it more food, I mean, toys?"
"Same thing to you, why does it matter?"
"It matters... food is not edible, toys are."
"......You have a warped mind, Near..."
"SO?!?!"
"I don't have food OR toys, I have these!!!" she declared, triumphantly holding up a batch of Kira marionettes.
"......... AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!"
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" some random guy shouted dramatically.
"YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" Lily shouted back, not wanting to be outdone.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Near shouted..... again.
Lily took a deep breath. "I'm not gonna scream anymore."
".........AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Near screamed.
"These puppets are going to follow you all day."
"... AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
"For the rest of the year."
"........ AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!"
"Forever."
"......"
"... So, um, aren't you going to scr-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
As Near attempted running, Lily threw the puppets at him, tangling him up.
"C'mon Near, we need to talk about our relationship." she said, tying him to a chair.
"You're just not committed enough!!!"
"...What does that mean?"
"I don't know...... You can get up now."
"Um... Thanks......"
"NNOOOOOOTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!" she yelled pulling him into a closet.
"I was going to bring in pedophiles, but I couldn't find any. So I'm bringing bulldogs. Named Edward. Cullen."
later...
"Oh, Near's bleeding.....again..." Lily said to no one in particular.
"TIME TO NAG!!!!!!!!!! Why do you wear that, are you an escaped mental patient, how old are you, why is your hair that color, why do you have so many toys, where are your parents/legal guardians, and what is the last digit in Pi?!?!?!?!?"
"... I like wearing this, no, 17, i don't know, i like them, parents, dead, legal guardians, i don't know, and i don't care."
"WOW."
"Now I will turn you into beautiful Nearosaurus!" Then she wrapped him in sheets and trapped him in a HALP box.
"Oh, by the way," she said a she jammed him into the box, "Kira's killing the albinos next!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Then she closed the lid of the box.
a week later.....
The lid of the box comes off.
"YAY!!!! IT DIDN'T WORK!!!!!!!!!"
"So.... hungry... need, toys..."
"Oh, here." she said throwing him Optimus Prime.
"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!"
"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY OPTIMUS PRIME!!!!!!!" Near said,
biting his arm.
"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!!"
"SHUT UP!!!!!" Near said, biting the head off.
"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!"
"I already ate your head!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!!"
"i have a tape recorder, see?" she pressed the button.
"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!"
"........ Hahahahahahahaaaahahaaaaa..." Near laughed dementedly.
"Ahahahahahaaaaaaaa." Lily joined in.
"AHAHAHAAAAAAA!"
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAA!!!! You're racist."
"AAAAAAHHHAAAAAAHHHAAAAAA... wait, what?"
"You're racist! See, Mello has like that one black guy who works for him. But you're surrounded by white people! HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!"
"... You're right..."
"YES I AM!!!!!!!!!!"
Near decide to go curl up in a corner. Naturally, Lily followed him.
"Leave me alone." Near said, twirling his hair.
Lily smacked his hand away and started to twirl it herself.
Near didn't object, but at this point, he was about as sane as BB. Meaning Near's Sanity= ZERO.
"Ok, you've had a long day." she said picking him up and cradling him in her arms. Then she covered him in chocolate until he almost suffocated. Then she screamed to no one in particular "MELLO DID IT!!!!!!" Of course, no one answered.
later...
L was about to have a slice of strawberry cheesecake. But then, suddenly, someone was pushed through the door. Maniac laughter was heard in the hallway.
Damnit BB, what did you do this time?
The person fell over and said, his voice muffled by the carpet, "Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!"
What the... Near?
He picked Near up. He was wearing a bright tie-dye shirt reading "YES. I AM GAY." and he was covered in melting chocolate. He was extremely thin and very scared-looking. While Mello was busy laughing at Near and Matt was busy saying "I knew it..." and other people were doing other things, L read the note taped to Near.
I am unstoppable. Beware, you could be next. Oh, btw, this is Lily. And I need to borrow some tape. BWAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!! Ha...HA!!!!!!
L just stared. Why was this constantly happening?
A/N: Special Hugs and Chocolate to ~Rainwing202 and ~tatteredmemory on Deviantart. You guys rock! Nearly everything done in the fic is from their combined 3 lists (~tatteredmemory has 2, double-thanks!) If you want spoilers, read the lists. But you never know what I'll do...