Author: Um, yeah, the first chapter of a story I'm kinda just pulling out of my ass. ; Sorry if it sucks I ahven't gone back and done any sort of editing or revising, but I couldn't wait to post it here. Enjoy, and please rate. Pwease. puppy eyes
Naruto Yuri and Yaoi Fanfiction with Incest and Transies and Its. Oh My!
Chapter 1: Enter Ruri, Junko, and Their Plans of World Domination for Closet Monkey and Lonely Gay Eskimo's Freedom Along Side Fellow Afro-man Nabeshin.
"Here we are," Junko cackled, flipping her violet haw length hair in a seductive manner and flirtatiously winking at the camera. Her tri-colored eyes glistened under the pale moonlight, altering between hues of blue, green, and grey. A pure white yukata contrasted perfectly with her slightly bronzed complexion, and seemed to blaze within the night sky.
"Jun-" Ruri began, suddenly drawing Junko's attention upon the petite girl. Burgundy locks neatly grazed the edge of her jaw, a complement to her deep chestnut eyes. An elegant crimson kimono concealed her sallow body, the edges skimming across the sullen earth.
"Junko!" Ruri barked, her eyes boiling with enmity. "Would ya stop with the narrations?"
"Humph. Some people just have no appreciation for the arts," Junko huffed, shaking her head in disappointment.
"What the feckin' crumpets are you talkin' about!"
"Banana's?"
"Wha…?"
"Broccoli. Beef stew. Sushi. Catfish. Teriyaki Beef."
"Rice cakes. Udon noodles. Ramen. Fried calamari!" a perky orange haired lass continued.
"Who the eff are you!" Ruri exclaimed, rudely pointing at said orange haired lass.
"I am Excel Excel, but you can call me Excel for short! Faithful servant to Lord Ilpalazzo!" the lass shrieked in a singsong tone.
After Excel had finished her elaborate song and dance in honor of Lord Ilpalazzo, our two heroines heard the sound of muffled voice far off into the distance. As time went by the voice became more distinctive, and much clearer, until they could eventually be comprehended. "Quick she went this way, men!" a booming voice commanded, followed by the sound of a coordinated march of soldiers.
"Le gasp! They have found me!" Excel...gasped and immediately withdrew a tiny Ford Mustang from the bottom of her pocket. "Au reviour."
With that said Excel dove into her newly acquired sports car and sped off into the distance, abandoning our heroines in the exact spot of which our story had begun. "Note to self," Ruri muttered quickly scribbling in her handy dandy notebook. "Buy sport's cars for faster world domination."
"Note to self, sign Ruri up for meeting with psychiatrist to sort out schizophrenic behavioral issues," Junko mumbled, jotting down her note in her "uniquely acquired" handy dandy notebook curtsey of Ruri.
"I heard that!"
"Heard what?" Junko cluelesssly inquired.
"You?"
"Boo?"
"No!"
"Bo?"
"Not bo…" Ruri began before Junko abruptly interrupted her.
"…but Bo-Bobo!"
"Did somebody call me?" a tall man exclaimed, his giant brown afro juggling as he came to a halt.
"Dude," Ruri sighed. "You ain't Bo-Bobo."
"Yeah man, you're Nabeshin!"
"That's right! I--------'m Nabeshin my afro suits me…" Nabeshin sang, with Ruri and Junko accompanying him.
"Ha! Who! He-yah!" they all shouted, each striking a unique pose and ending their show with an all-together hand pound.
"Good he is on our side," Ruri proclaimed. "You are now a member of…"
"Ruri and Junko's Plans of World Domination to Free the Closet Monkeys and Lonely Gay Eskimo's and Lead Them Down to Path of Destruction in Which They Shall Massacre all Goody-Two Shoes and Silicon Sluts with a Bludgeon and Drink the Brains Through Bendy Straws Until They Gain Enough Power to finally Conquest Europe, Asia, Africa, America, Canada, Australia and Greenland, Alongside their only Afro Member Nabeshin!"
"Well that just rolls of your tongue…"
"I know, man!"
"You need to lay off that damn sugar man!"
"I ain't on no sugar, man!"
"Then explain why you're always sugar high, man!"
"I ain't high on sugar; I'm high on life, man!"
"Righteous dudettes," Nabeshin exclaimed, interrupting our two heroine's argument.
"You got it dude! But about your drug problem," Junko sighed, wagging her finger at Ruri.
"I don't have a feckin drug problem!"
"Denial is always the first stage," Nabeshin interrupted again.
"Yeah, what he said!"
"You guys are idiots! Complete idiots!"
"So says the druggie," Junko snickered.
"For the last time I am not a druggie, you dumbass hippie and your equally stupid afro partner!"
"Hey I ain't no hippie, I'm really a…..MAN!"
"Le gasp!" both Nabeshin and Ruri gasped, simultaneously inhaling a vast amount of oxygen and taking a step away from Junko.
"How could you lie to me all these years?" Ruri cried, wiping her tears on Nabeshin's jacket.
"And how could you lie to Laquesha and Taneekwa!" Nabeshin bawled.
"Laque-que and Ta-who who?" Junko questioned, raising her eyebrows at the afro man.
"How could you! Acting like you don't know your own children!" Nabeshin spat. "That's it we're through!"
After Nabeshin's little outburst he exited the scene just as quickly as he appeared. "And I was just about to tell him I really wasn't a man," Junko sighed, tilting her head to the side as she gazed off into the distance.
"You really need to stop that," Ruri glowered.
"Stop what?"
"Lying! It's a sin!"
"And so is murder!"
"Are you accusing me of murder?" Ruri gasped, taken back by Junko's statement.
"Remember Kagome…?"
"Hmmm," Ruri pondered, gazing up into the sky lost in her memory.
"Oh flash back time!" Junko exclaimed as she pulled down a screen and brought out her handy dandy portable projector.
A scene flashed upon the screen, and suddenly our heroines were drawn into the memory, finding themselves in the midst of desolate field, with everything around tinted a dingy yellow. "Damn I really need to update my system," Junko muttered, cursing incoherently under her breath.
Suddenly the murky clouds above gave in, and rain began to cascade, lightning and thunder embellished the rain, sparking across the dreary sky. On the outskirts of the meadow lie an ominous woods, populated with a vast amount of predators and scavengers, with trees dancing to the howl of the wind.
"This field is all dandy and what not," Ruri began. "But why are we here?"
"Oops my bad," Junko replied, whipping out a tiny remote and fast-forwarding the tape.
Soon our heroines found themselves in feudal Japan, watching the dramatic, and slightly pathetic, battle between Kagome and Ruri. "Go Ruri kick her ass!" Ruri hooted, thrusting her fist towards the sky.
"Come on! Come on!" Junko cheered.
The battle was ended by Ruri who, after a grand total of three minutes fighting, got bored and pulled out a hand pistol shooting Kagome in the head three times. "Yes!" Ruri exclaimed, dancing in tune with her former self.
"No!" Junko wailed, sobbing over what looked to be a portable TV.
"You were cheering for Kagome!" Ruri growled, pulling out a giant bazooka from her purse and aiming it in the direction of Junko's head.
"No," sobbed Junko. "We-we just lost…three thousand dollars!"
Five anger marks spread across Ruri's forehead, as her left eye began to twitch and that ever common anime way. "How did you lose our money?"
"Hey, why do you think I lost my money!"
"Because you're…you."
"You make a good point young grasshoppa."
"I'm a year older then you, fecker!"
"No, only four months older then meh!"
"Same thing. Now, I say this again. How the frocking crumpets did ya lose our money!"
"I do not know this frocking crumpet of which you speak."
After that, statement Ruri's left eyebrow began to twitch more, and the veins on her face began to grow. "That can't be healthy ya might wanna get those checked out," Junko pointed out.
"Junko!" Ruri barked, her eyes blazing with fury. "How the hell'd you lose our money!"
"Well ya see I was wandering around Egypt one day-" Junko began before Ruri immediately interrupted her.
"Why were you in Egypt?" Ruri questioned, raising her eyebrow.
"I was, cough, on business. Anyways continuing with the story. I met some woman there and she told me she could see into the future. Think her name was Isis, or maybe Darcy. Any who. So I asked her what she saw and she told me I would win three thousand dollars if I bet my money on this horse named "Marty" in the next horse race. We had a drink, cough, got to know each other and then as I was about to leave she began to mutter things about "ancient Egypt" and "protecting the pharaoh" oh and something about "the millennium necklace is mine" and began cackling evilly. Then she ran into the corner and began rocking back and forth muttering something about Yugi and Domino City."
"Wait let me get this straight. You went to Egypt, had some psycho lady tell you you're fortune, bet three thousand on as horse that lost, and now we have no money!"
"Yup, sounds right to me!"
"Idiot!"
"Who Alex?"
"Yeah well him too-"
"And that guy Joey. Remember him?"
"No," Ruri stated shifting her eyes back and forth.
"Here let me refresh you're memory!" Junko gleamed, taking out her handy dandy remote and fast-forwarding the tape, until our heroines were in the midst of a large Japanese city. "Welcome to Domino City. Home of major hotties who should all be totally gay and lesbo!"
"Why are we here?" Ruri questioned.
"Because. Because. I said so!" Junko stammered before noticing to incredible hotties walking down the street. "Oh look it's Bakura and Malik!"
With that said Junko bolted towards the unwary young men prepared for a glomp attack, but instead ended up charging through the bodies. "You can't touch a flash back, dumbarse," Ruri sighed, as she caught up to her friend.
All of a sudden Junko withdrew her ever-handy remote, and zapped Bakura and Malik with a turquoise beam. A sinister smile formed upon Junko's lips, as the two hotties vanished along with the beam of light. "Where the mother crumpets did they go!" Ruri gasped, while she gawked at the area the two men had just momentarily been standing. "Don't tell me you transported them to some fifth dimension, and locked them up inside a deep dark dungeon where you force them to perform sexually intimate task with one another, while you watch and video tape the whole session, selling the tapes on EBay later for vast amount of money!"
"No…but that's not a bad idea!"
"Oi. Then what is your plan, missy?"
"World domination! Muahaha, commence with the plans!" Junko cackled, zapping herself and Ruri with her remote.
The two of them soon found themselves within a dim, murky chamber, where a single spotlight shone upon the kidnapped Malik and Bakura. Donned in a policewoman's uniform, with a nightstick at hand, Junko stepped forward approaching the bound Bakura and Malik. "I'm not even gonna ask," Ruri sighed.
"Where the fuck'd you take us!" Malik barked, glowering at Junko and Ruri.
"Don't glare at me mister! She's the kidnapper, I'm just the rapist!" Ruri grinned wickedly.
Bakura and Malik merely gulped in response while Junko continued the interrogation. "Now, onwards with the investigation! Take over officer Maguire," Junko proclaimed, while a stout, bald man entered the scene.
"Ahem, yes," the man began before his moustache fell off, followed by the remainder of his costume.
A tall, orange haired teenager of an idiotic and hideous mien stood before them, a look of astonishment dominating his countenance. "Le gasp! It's Kuwabaka my arch foe!" Junko cried.
"Arch foe?" Ruri, Bakura, and Malik questioned in unison.
"Yes! We goes back along time," Kuwabara explained with his ever raspy and chafing voice.
"Yupp'ms. Let me show you with a flashback!" Junko beamed, extracting her remote for the umpteenth time.
"Not again!" Ruri wailed, snatching the remote from the clutches of Junko and pulverizing said remote with her portable bazooka gun.
Junko merely reached into the depths of her endless pocket and grabbed another remote while cackling," Mwahahahahah! Fear me and the awesomeness of le remote!"
"Never!" Ruri hollered. "I call upon the powers of the Inner Senshi!"
"Le gasp, you wouldn't!"
"Aha, but I will!"
Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Venus soon entered the scene, an array of neon lights and floating stars and such followed them. "Now I commandeth you to destroy all her remotes!" Ruri ordered, and immediately the scouts attacked Junko.
However, before the inner Senshi could cause Junko any harm, using her ever-handy remote she zapped herself with a deep emerald light. Once short hair violet in hue grew to waste length and altered in color until it became a deep jade. Her white yukata suddenly vanished, and was replaced with the traditional Sailor Senshi attire, hers being of an emerald hue. Thus, she became Sailor Pluto. "Wait, wait. Stop the story!" Ruri exclaimed, snatching Junko's remote and freezing the scene. "How can you be Sailor Pluto when she's Sailor Pluto?"
Ruri then whipped out a picture of Setsuna , otherwise known as Sailor Pluto. "I have my ways," Junko curtly responded.
"And besides, why would you choose her. She has a feckin' wand for a weapon man?"
"Aha. Not anymore!" Junko cackled unsheathing a large gun-blade from its holder. "I got an upgrade!"
Out of the blue two, rather tall and handsome, men emerged, one with bright sapphire eyes, golden blonde locks, and a .44 magnum sniper slung over his shoulder. The other had brunette hair, deep cerulean eyes, and a scar running across his face. "That's mine you little bitch!" the brunette declared flipping her off.
"Way to be outta character Squallie," Junko pouted, pointing the gun blade at said "Squallie." "Where's the aloofness. The cool demeanor, the whateverness! Huh? Huh?"
"It flew out my ass now give me my fucking gun blade back!"
"Pft. She'd never give a gun blade to such an OOC Squall!" Ruri barked, forming her hand into a gun and pointing towards Squall.
The other man just stood silently in the background taking in the conversation, when he suddenly became trigger-happy. Needless to say, many bullets were fired, and our heroines quickly found safety behind the bloody corpse of the once aloof soon turned rabid after loss of gun Squall.
"Well that was...awkward," Ruri commented staring at the strange blonde man.
"Oh em gee it's K!" Junko gasped and immediately glomped the poor man.
"Jun, he's 36…"
"Pft age ain't nothin' but a number!"
"Aha but I am also married and have a kid! And have my friend .44 magnum!" Mr. K added a large smile plastered on his face.
"Pft they're all the way in America! And we're here in the midst of; well I'm not quite sure where we are…."
"But you brought us here!" Ruri barked.
"Indeed I did."
"Which brings up another effin question, how the hell did you get here!"
"I did a little bang, bang, bang, and soon found myself here!"
"That explains nothing!"
"For once I agree with my short tempered and equally short heighten partner Ruri," Junko exclaimed. "But before your argument begins to heat up, what are we going to do with all of them?"
Junko then pointed out all the additional background characters who had been forgotten about until this very second, remaining frozen in time, in this dimensions, where not even god knows where it is located. "Who man, who the hell are they?" Mr. K inquired and pulled out his .44 magnum, yet again. "Tell me before I blew your god damn brains out."
His trust "friend" was now aimed at Ruri's forehead where beads of sweat neatly began to form. "Well, um, they're. Uh. Some people we, uh, sorta kinda, kidnapped. I think, uh, yeah," Ruri stammered, in utter fear if her life.
"Oh is that all," K replied, and with that began to light heartedly laugh, a bit psychotically might I add.
"Aww he's so psychotic!" Junko beamed, stars gleaming in her eyes. "Can I keep him, can I?"
"He's a grown man, not a pet!"
"But, but. He's so cuuute!" Junko bawled, glomping the trigger happy Mister K.
"Really am I cute?" K gleamed, stars shining in his eyes, as they were in Junko's eyes previously.
"Yes, and now you are mine!"
"No, you're mine," Mr. K cackled, drawing out his magnum and, now directed it at Junko.
"Yes, ma'am! I mean sir!"
"Once again…I'm SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!" Ruri barked, whacking both Mr. K and Junko across the head with a large paper fan.