Disclaimer: I'm just borrowing the crew of Serenity; I'm not sure I would be able to handle owning them, so I'll leave that in the hands of the master.
"... without darkness
Nothing comes to birth,
As without light
Nothing flowers."
-May Sarton
The old Firefly's hull creaked gently as Inara's bare feet padded across the smooth floor of the mess hall. It was a comforting sound, and one that she had missed as she lay awake at night in her lavish quarters in Sihnon. In a way, she appreciated the Operative's impromptu arrival on her home planet since it had given her the opportunity to return to Serenity; and the double entendre wasn't lost on her.
Unfortunately, the Alliance's other activities had torn apart the ship and her crew. The things that could be fixed, both physical and mental, were being patched up; but Inara knew there were some wounds that would never heal. They would push forward and persevere like always, but the experience had drastically altered their lives; nothing would be quite the same ever again.
Continuing her trek through the ship's bowels, she paused in the mess hall and ran a graceful hand over the well-worn chairs, remembering happier, less-complicated times. If she closed her eyes she could almost hear Wash making everyone laugh with one of his hilarious anecdotes, or the Shepherd imparting some words of wisdom that everyone took to heart.
She removed her hand with a sigh; the 'Verse would be a lesser place without Derrial Book and Hoban Washburne.
Inara gathered herself and moved on without a backward glance. The stairs leading to the cockpit soon came into view; she had reached her destination. She had just put her foot on the bottom step when she heard movement. Someone was already up there amongst Serenity's consoles, wires and switches.
Mal,was Inara's unconscious thought and she paused, hovering in indecision. She wasn't sure how to act around him anymore. Neither one of them had known how to deal with their thoughts and feelings, so the relationship that had formed had been complicated and tumultuous. Instead of acknowledging their emotions they had hidden behind harsh words and bitter insults. After Miranda though, things had changed; they hadn't become any better at communicating, but where once heated arguments had emerged from the tension, now there was…nothing. They just sort of floated around each other, timid and unsure.
She was about to turn back when her ears caught what sounded like a muffled sob. Apprehension was replaced with concern and Inara raced up the steps, figuring she had been mistaken and that River was the one in the cockpit; River, who now acted much more like a normal teenage girl, but whose mind occasionally still betrayed her, sending her wild visions. Inara's only thought was comforting the poor girl until the spell passed; but when she reached the Firefly's base of operations she was shocked to discover her second assumption had been no more correct than her first.
There in front of her, knees drawn up to her chin and cheeks marred by tear tracks, was Zoe.
To say Inara was surprised would have been an understatement; she had never seen the ship's second in command cry. She had always thought the other woman to be a rock, immoveable and tougher than nails, even when it came to her emotions. Seeing Zoe in tears would be as strange as if Jayne suddenly decided to turn into a decent human being; yet here she was, fingering her late husband's toy dinosaurs and sobbing quietly…and Inara had no idea what to do about it.
When she saw the Companion, Zoe hurriedly swiped at her eyes and sat up straight, "Inara, what can I do for you?"
The thought that immediately popped into her head was, you can't do anything for me; I can't even do anything to help myself.
Immediately pushing that notion away, Inara focused on the distraught woman sitting in the pilot's chair, "Are you all right Zoe?" It was a stupid question, because it was pretty obvious that she wasn't, but Inara hoped Serenity's first mate would slip back into her soldier mode and deny anything was wrong; because then she'd be able to run away from this intensely uncomfortable situation back to the safety of her shuttle. Just this once, Inara wanted to be a coward. No, that wasn't right; who did she think she was fooling? She was always looking to escape, always running…from him.
She was shaken from that particular revelation by Zoe's quiet confession, "No, I'm honestly not okay; I'm not sure if I ever will be again."
Inara was floored; first she'd caught the normally stoic woman crying and now this? It felt like all the laws of nature had suddenly disappeared, like nothing was holding the 'verse together anymore. Why Zoe's sudden transformation had scared her so badly she wasn't sure; maybe it was because now anything, even the things she'd feared or scarcely dared to dream about, could come true.
"I wanted us to have a baby, Inara, so badly it hurt," Zoe's eyes were now fixed on the innumerable glittering stars on the other side of the glass.
The admission would have seemed strange, out of place, but compared to everything else Inara had discovered, the reaction it elicited was rather mild.
"A baby?" Inara couldn't help but be incredulous, "Out here?"
A sad smile crossed the other woman's face, "You sound just like him."
Pulling her shawl tightly around her shoulders, Inara sat in the copilot's chair, "Like who? Wash?"
Zoe sighed heavily and picked up the plastic allosaurus, "He told me it wouldn't be a good idea to bring a little person into this environment."
Inara couldn't help but think that the deceased pilot had had a valid point.
Zoe's eyes narrowed, "You agree with him?"
"Well the business you do is extremely dangerous, and a life out in the black doesn't exactly lend itself to any kind of stability."
"Inara, there ain't nothin' in life that's certain; that don't stop people from living," Serenity's second pointed out with a shrug.
She couldn't come up with a rebuttal for that one.
"I told Wash that I wasn't so afraid of losing something that I wasn't goin' to try to have it," Zoe fixed her with what looked like a knowing smile.
Inara recoiled as though she'd been slapped; Zoe had never breathed a word that sounded like advice in the entire time she'd known her. The Companion was suddenly struck with the ridiculous notion that it had been Wash who'd kept the couple so discrete.
She stood quickly, her wrap sliding down her back to form a silken pool on the floor, "I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to have that something."
Zoe nodded slowly, that enigmatic gaze still directed at her, "I guess we just always thought we'd have more time."
It felt like all the oxygen had been sucked from the cockpit, and Inara suddenly felt claustrophobic.
She quickly bent down and picked up her shawl, "Again, I'm sorry Zoe; I, uh, I really need to go, so I'll leave you alone."
She didn't wait for a reply, but flew down the stairs like the Reavers were on her tail. She didn't care where she went, so long as it was away from the ship's perceptive First Mate; and her feet carried her through the fore passageway and down into the cargo bay. Her thoughts were in such a turmoil that she didn't see the ship's Captain until she ran into him.
"Whoa 'Nara; what's the rush? You late for one of your fancified tea parties?
He must have seen something in her expression when she raised her head to meet his gaze, because his flippant manner quickly changed to concern, "What's wrong Inara?"
"I'm…" Her first instinct was to reply that she was fine and plaster a smile on her face; it was only then that she realized that she and Zoe were more alike than she'd thought.
Mal just stood there, a mixture of uncertainty and expectancy in his stance.
With the mourning widow's warning still fresh in her mind, Inara decided to try something terrifying and completely out of character; she was going to open up.
"I'm not okay," her answer came out all in one breath.
Mal looked slightly surprised, but offered her a tentative smile, "I kinda figured that, darlin'."
"I was talking to Zoe and she said some things that really…" she trailed off with a sweeping hand gesture.
Inara closed her eyes and gathered all her courage, "Do you want to know why I left, Mal?"
She was bridging the gap into the realm of the unspoken, and she watched his face pale slightly at her question.
"I…I care about you a great deal," Inara ducked her head and her heart hammered in her chest as she willed him to just hear her out, "And I…well, after Nandi I realized that it would kill me if you ever fell for another woman." She wrung her hands anxiously, "I realized, of course, that it was incredibly selfish of me, because I could never be with you; so I decided to leave so you wouldn't feel guilty if you found someone to give your heart to."
She dropped her eyes and uttered the last part in a whisper, "And I didn't want to be there when you did."
Mal made what sounded like a choking noise and Inara's head shot up in alarm. A moment later that alarm turned to horror and abject humiliation when she realized he was trying not to laugh.
"Is something amusing, Captain?" She was indignant; here she'd been pouring her heart out and he had responded by laughing in her face.
His face was turning red and he clutched his side as he shook in silent mirth.
Tears prickled in Inara's eyes as she turned and fled, her hand gripping the railing for strength and direction.
"Inara, wait!" Mal recovered enough to call after her.
She pointedly ignored him; her heart was bruised enough.
The sound of boots on the metal grating told her he was coming after her. Inara tried to speed up, but a couple of steps later she felt his calloused fingers on her arm.
"'Nara, wait," Mal repeated, spinning her around to face him, "It ain't what you're thinkin'."
Her eyes flashed in anger, "Oh really? Well why don't you enlighten me, Mal?"
His face showed no sign of his earlier amusement; and his hand stayed latched on her arm, as though he were afraid she would bolt if he let go.
"Confound it woman; you make it so difficult for me to express myself in a coherent manner," Mal ran his free hand through his hair.
Inara shrugged his hand off and replied icily, "You'd best try Captain Reynolds, and you'd better do it quickly."
"Fine," he almost growled, "You want to know what's so funny? You are Inara! Because you actually think I could fall in love with someone else!" His anger dissipated all at once as his eyes found hers, "You are my heart 'Nara; I can't give somethin' away when I ain't got it no more."
Even if she hadn't heard his words, the sincerity and love in his eyes would have been enough to undo her; and Mal's heartfelt admission broke the dam and brought tears to her eyes.
He gently pulled her into his arms. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, boabei," he whispered into her hair.
Inara clung to his shirt, abandoning the rest of her pride, "We hurt each other; I'm as much to blame as you."
Mal touched her curls almost reverently, "It's 'cause we both got walls around our hearts; we were too afraid to let each other in." He pulled back and smirked, like he knew something she didn't, "It woulda made things complicated."
"We wasted so much time," Inara sighed.
Mal wiped the tears from her face with a roughened thumb and looked right in her eyes, "There's not a moment I ever spent with you that I would call wasted, 'Nara."
She had to fight to keep the tears from returning. "Where do we go from here?" she asked softly.
"I don't rightly know sweetheart." He graced her with a genuine smile, "but I'd surely like to find out."
It was impossible not to smile back, and Inara was struck with the inexplicable sensation that this was right, that 'together' was where they had been meant to end up at last.
"You know what Mal? I think we finally agree on something."